To hope my baby will grow on me?

[Babyblues99]

Having a hard time right now. My baby son is 2 weeks old and i think i'm having some attachment issues.

We were separated on day one as he had to go into the NICU and i could only visit and not really hold him at all. After several further days in the hospital we were released and have now been at home for a few days. I love him and think he is really cute but it is in a rather detached way and i cannot help but feel super guilty and worried about our relationship. I don't think it is PND i feel fine and positive just really concerned about doing right by my son. I was planning to spend a year off with him but now don't know how i will cope emotionally. I feel like all my energy is going into catering to his physical needs and i don't have time to enjoy him. This is made worse by my other half who is being a model loving father, cuddles the little man all the time leaps to change nappies etc etc this is hard to see when i feel its do difficult for me to enjoy this.

My mother always said to me that she was never very maternal and didnt really like us until we could interact and now we are close but she was never emotionally available growing up so i am terrified that i will inflict this on him and the cycle will continue.

I am also aware that this may simply be me worrying about something that may never happen and this is stopping me from simply enjoying my son and creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

I am hoping this is just a blip because of the separation and hospital stay.

I would really appreciate some stories about your own early relationships with your children and if you had any early issues. i do know that the immediate bond is sometimes missing and needs to grow over time so i hope this will be the case with me but i do wonder if i'm simply a bit broken from my own history and need to let that go and just enjoy the experience.

Btw, despitebthis rocky start, I did bond with dc1 and we have a great relationship now (even as a teen lol)

The first week are super hard, and it gets easier with time. Many women need weeks and months to bond, and it's fine. For me it got easier at 6 mo and then much easier at 1y. Keep going and please don't feel guilty

I feel like all my energy is going into catering to his physical needs and i don't have time to enjoy him.

There is so much pressure to 'enjoy your baby'. It's something I see ordered on here so often and it grinds my gears, 'Give up x, do y, and just enjoy your baby!'

Babies are not enjoyable for a lot of people, and that is perfectly OK. Mine didn't sleep for longer than two hours at a stretch until they were well past a year, wouldn't be put down during the day or they'd scream until they puked and were the most fractious irritable little buggers during every waking hour. What's to enjoy? It is hard work, no affection is reciprocated, it's not enjoyable and that's fine to feel that way.

I also didn't get any rush of love with either of them. An undeniable need to keep them alive at all costs from day one, but rush of blissed-out adoration? Never happened, not even later. Did I grow to love them deeply? Yes, yes and yes. They're three and five years old now and utterly enjoyable. But they sure as hell weren't as babies.

I could have written so many PP posts, my first was a horrible birth and honestly my first thought when he finally came out was he is alive...can I sleep now..?' None of this magical rush of love and happiness just relief, exhaustion and a sense of feeling totally overwhelmed. And terror.

For the first few weeks I took comfort in the fact I knew something was driving me to get up with DS every 2/3 hours a night and even remember thinking I can't be a mum forever if it comes with this much anxiety about every breath the kid was taking or whether there was something more sinister behind every single cry!! Turns out I had PND, but until those moments came where i felt the real rush of love that's how I knew it would eventually happen for me.

Hang in there OP it's fucking tough at first and no one tells you this stuff beforehand

It took me about 3 weeks. I loved them to start with but after about 3 weeks it changed and that bond was there.
It can take longer for some.

My children are twins, I didn't fall in love with either of them until several weeks in, and then spent several more weeks feeling guilty because I'd fallen in love with one before the other. Then one day realised I'd fallen in love with both. It's such a shit storm time, you're permanently running flat out to keep up at the same time as being utterly bored (because in some ways newborns are incredibly boring, they scream, eat, pee, shit and sleep but at random-ish times so you can never settle down to sleep yourself). Don't worry about it, just try and grab any rest time you can. Best wishes xx

I was utterly bewildered by the first 9-10 weeks. Possibly longer. I mean I had the care skills, I'm organised and efficient and competent and all the rest of it, and I did like bits of it but I felt like I was on a running machine I couldn't get off or slow down. Keeping up with and adapting to the baby's needs alongside my own was a hard juggling act. I used to read here about mums who spent all day in bed doing skin to skin and not much else except feeding and changing and I felt that they had it right, proper love-ins with their newborn, whereas I was up and showered and ready with a drawerful of clean baby vests and new nappies and muslins waiting to catch the next leaky poo or whatever.

I guess I felt life had been tossed so out of control I got my bearings by being organised but maybe at the expense of enjoying it and relaxing into it more.

Babies change a lot as the months go by. I do remember when my first DC was 6 weeks and he smiled at me properly... it was magic. Also when he was around 5 months old and really taking an interest in his baby gym toys, really alert and reaching and kicking etc. Baby massage classes started at around 9 weeks old helped me to bond a bit more, it was good to be doing something other than feeding, changing, singing to him or cuddling him. He enjoyed it too.

But 2 weeks in... honestly it's hard work. I specifically remember wanting a break from it all at the 2 week mark. Logically I knew that wasn't what I really wanted - I didn't want to actually be separated from him, but I just felt like I'd been working so hard, and I was so tired and bewildered and exhausted I just wanted the world to stop for a bit whilst my mind and body caught up.

It gets better, it really does, and pretty much all a newborn needs is to be clean, fed, kept safe and cuddled. Looking back I really wish I'd done more skin to skin duvet days in the newborn weeks, or at least a whole morning or afternoon. I'd love to go back to the newborn days. People say children grow so fast and time goes so fast, but it's never as fast as the newborn days, it only lasts a matter of weeks and then they get heavier and chunkier and bigger - but picking a little newborn up, and their tiny faces and noses and ears... ahh, it's lovely. Congratulations.

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this OP.

My DD is now 8 months old and I genuinely didn't bond with her until she was a few months old. I ended up having an emergency c-section - she was an IVF baby and I was so desperate for a natural birth, but in reality didn't feel like I'd given birth at all. I felt like I'd just been handed a baby that wasn't mine, and for the first few weeks I didn't feel much for her at all.

I felt like I was caring for her out of duty rather than love to begin with, and was so down about it. I thought after wanting a baby so desperately for so long I'd love her instantly, but just felt nothing. But we carried on and started to get to know each other and by the time she was a few months old I was absolutely smitten! I literally couldn't love her any more now.

You will be fine. Just keep caring for him and soon you'll be totally in love with him!

Good luck OP xx

My friend always goes on about this instant bond and rush of love. I'm not knocking it. It might have been there for her. However i will freely admit I had to grow to love my dd. I mean don't get me wrong the sun shines out of her arse, now.
She was a C/section birth, though so I didn't hold her properly until she was almost 2 days old.

Don't fret about it. Treat him like you love him, and he will be fine, and so will you.

I too didn't get that instant rush that people talk about and I thought that there was something wrong with me. It will happen. Congratulations x

Also with the greatest respect to your DH. He didn't carry your DS or give birth to him.
He's not been through the hormonal side of pregnancy. I remember when my sister was born. My mum had a really bad time and my dad took over for the first few weeks with night feeds ect.

A million YYs to what Reanimated said.

I can't emphasise that enough.

My 4 week old spent her first 15 days in NICU.

Having had two other children, the difference having a child in NICU makes to the whole bonding process is insane. I think every single person involved in the care of poorly newborns is fantastic and cannot fault how well my baby was looked after, but fact is it interfers with the process of getting to know your brand new baby.

My baby is still tube fed so we aren't even able to bond that way.

She has a condition which means she is quiet, sleepy and not very alert - she doesn't cry or get unsettled.... So I have to remind myself to pick her up / have skin to skin / have cuddles etc.

It's hard. I'm also contending with two other children and a rather shitty diagnosis for my wee baby but we're getting there.

I find making time to just sit down with baby helps. I make sure every few hours (around tube feeds) that I dig baby out and have her in my arms. I stroke her, talk to her, sing to her and try to banish all distractions. If other kids are about, I involve them too.

I feel all the usual things like the love and the want to protect etc but it's been a hugely different experience for me this time. Something you sadly don't understand unless you have had the misfortune to have to live it.

I never had that ‘rush of love’ or instant bond with my first son, I was overwhelmed and couldn’t see a way out of how hard everything was, a new baby changes your life, you don’t have time for you any more it’s hard adjusting. I think you will be fine in the end, it takes time for things to feel normal again. Do anything that will help make things easier nobody will judge you. After a few weeks I promise everything will feel easier and a new normal will naturally happen. Your not alone feeling like this. Things will get easier, sleep will get better and you are a good Mum if you weren’t you wouldn’t worry so much.

I always think the first few months are like having a pet. I care for them, I love them, I can see they're cute and I keep them alive. From 6-9 months I start to see what it's all about and fall in love with them as people. Then from 9 months onwards bang, they're fun, good company, easier to look after and the love is all consuming and, even better, reciprocated.

The love was there from day one in hindsight but It grows beyond belief over that first year. I didn't get a whoosh of love as they were passed to me. They fascinated me, they were sweet in a knackering sort of way but omg if anything happened that ever needed to test my love of them (an illness, accident, after their jabs) BOY did I feel it then.

Just survive the first few months. You're doing fine and it sounds pretty normal.

I can absolutely relate to how you feel. The weird detached feeling - I think it’s your brain working hard to rebalance all the chemicals, everything has been turned upside down. I can remember taking DS to the shops and glancing in my mirror to see him in the car seat and thinking ‘oh yeah!’ As if I’d momentarily switched off or something. It was a bit unnerving. I think it evened out by about 20 weeks old. It’s very normal. Congrats to you... it will be ok.

Your hormones need a few weeks to recover and the 'caring' element/ realisation can be overwhelming.

Try daily skin to skin, baths together and just
Have some quiet time
Where you smell him, look At his body and all the creases and fingers And toes. Lounging around in bed.

If it continues I'd see the GP - good luck xx

I felt like this with my first too. I felt like such an awful person. I didn't really notice the bond creep up, it was very gradual. My second and third it was instant. I still feel guilty about that but what can you do. I didn't have syntometrine with the second and third because I read that it blocks your natural oxytocin rush by giving you a synthetic one. Don't know if there is any truth in that potentially interfering with initial attachment...probably not...but I wasn't taking any chances.

I had twins, one was with me when I came round doped out of my head on morphine, I bonded very quickly, one was in nicu and I got very strong panic driven flashbacks every time I saw them. I can report that now ten years on the one I am most bonded with is the one making the least chaos at that particular moment. I love them both dearly and would never choose one over the other. Give yourself time and try not to worry.

I felt hugely disconnected from my DD for the few years of her life. I'd look at her and couldn't believe she came from me. I'd think who/what is this? I didn't understand how to be a parent. It was definitely not a natural process for me. I regretted becoming a parent hugely. I had no attachment to her. As she got older, she felt more like my little sister than my daughter. It was weird.
It came with time though.
She's 8 now and I can connect with her so much more even though I still struggle with it at times. I still don't know what I am doing re parenting occasionally. But the attachment is real and evident and there is a deep love.
OP.

Also what SGB said.
That was the best advice I ever came across.

My son had a milk allergy from birth and I am sad to say I couldn't enjoy him, it was hard, he cried loads and was in pain poor thing but was very hard on me. I felt awful but roll forward to now he is 9 months and I enjoy him every day he is amazing, (most of the time lol). We have a bond and I am so glad those early days are over. I can honestly say I am so happy with my both my boys and although it is not easy it is worth it. Just give yourself time OP and give yourself a break

@Bluelady this is the truest thing. Such wise words.

Op, you've only known him a few weeks, it is normal for it to take longer to feel that bond, and to feel that love. Honestly, you sound like 90% of mums I have known and been close too. Down to pretty much the minute detail of your post.

It's totally normal, your bonding all the time and building a relationship with him like you would be with anyone else you had only just 'met'. You are doing so well and should be so proud of getting through the first few weeks as a family and frankly meeting his needs are enough for now. You don't need to put this pressure on yourself to feel anything more then that he is cute and you must do a feed/nappy change...literally that's enough

I can remember feeling in love with ds1 very early hours into his life, but the next few weeks felt vv terrifying tbh (operations in the first weeks of life do that)

I struggled to feed him, felt aggressive rushes of anger towards people that I love or respected (midwife spoon feeding my baby; my mum, who perfectly reasonably walked on ahead with the pram when waiting for me), and I felt like I was on autopilot and anxious a lot.

A very good health visitor befriended me and I only realised she was giving me extra support quietly when a friend said ‘is she still coming?’ It took some months for me to remember that early feeling. He’s 17 now and I think I’ve been totally in love with the annoying, enormous hairy lump for about 16.75 years, but certainly felt overwhelmed before that. Hope things pick up for you very soon, op, but please be kind to yourself until they do.