To hope my baby will grow on me?

[Babyblues99]

Having a hard time right now. My baby son is 2 weeks old and i think i'm having some attachment issues.

We were separated on day one as he had to go into the NICU and i could only visit and not really hold him at all. After several further days in the hospital we were released and have now been at home for a few days. I love him and think he is really cute but it is in a rather detached way and i cannot help but feel super guilty and worried about our relationship. I don't think it is PND i feel fine and positive just really concerned about doing right by my son. I was planning to spend a year off with him but now don't know how i will cope emotionally. I feel like all my energy is going into catering to his physical needs and i don't have time to enjoy him. This is made worse by my other half who is being a model loving father, cuddles the little man all the time leaps to change nappies etc etc this is hard to see when i feel its do difficult for me to enjoy this.

My mother always said to me that she was never very maternal and didnt really like us until we could interact and now we are close but she was never emotionally available growing up so i am terrified that i will inflict this on him and the cycle will continue.

I am also aware that this may simply be me worrying about something that may never happen and this is stopping me from simply enjoying my son and creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

I am hoping this is just a blip because of the separation and hospital stay.

I would really appreciate some stories about your own early relationships with your children and if you had any early issues. i do know that the immediate bond is sometimes missing and needs to grow over time so i hope this will be the case with me but i do wonder if i'm simply a bit broken from my own history and need to let that go and just enjoy the experience.

I felt the same too. I think there is so much made of the ‘rush of love’ feelings etc, and I was so worried that I just didn’t feel any of that. I knew I needed to care for her, but that was it.

The best way to describe it is as you have, she grew on me! She’s 9 months now and just wonderful. I love everything about her, and I feel like I have fallen in love with her for ‘who she is’ if that makes sense, rather than the sort of biological, maternal love I was expecting.

Sounds pretty normal to me. I found 6 weeks a turning point personally, but the feelings continued to grow from there.

It took a while to get used to her being around, no instant rush, ambivalence tbh for a while. Sleep deprivation did not help one bit, I think it can be a thoroughly bewildering time as your life changes so much it's a huge adjustment.

Don't beat yourself up OP, the love will come. It's all a huge shock to the system having a baby, it's not uncommon to feel the way you do. I know exactly how you feel.

I came from unloving parents. Neither my DM or DF were maternal / paternal and I grew up without any affection. Because of this I was convinced I would inherit this 'unloving' gene and was petrified of turning into them. I was desperate not to inflict the same upbringing on my own child. So from the moment DS was born I read way too much into my own feelings & actions and got myself so anxious and worked up about not being a perfect loving mother I couldn't relax enough to just enjoy it.

I was also suffering, I discovered after melting down in my GPs office, from PTSD after a traumatic pregnancy and birth. This on top of my perfect parenting anxiety culminated in me becoming detached and depressed.

I also struggled with, that overnight I went from being FarmerSee to just a baby's mother and everyone thought my life (and pressured me into) should revolve around babies, mum and baby groups, talking only about babies, making friends with other mums, parks and softplay centres....and I fucking hated it. I lost my entire identity, wants, needs and ambitions just like that. This baby orientated life just wasn't me.

I had counselling, and a short period of time on meds (although that's not for me to say that's what YOU need, only your GP can obvs tell you that), and I started to see more clearly. I started to gain a bit of confidence back and realised I am not my parents, I won't become them AND I have a right not to enjoy mum and baby groups without being the bitch from hell!

My son is in school now and the absolute light of my life. He's a little sod at times, but he's my little sod! I promise, even though you may not feel like the stereotypical maternal mother, you can still be a very good and loving mother.

Also, my DH found DSs baby yrs boring, and while he loved him he got no actual parenting enjoyment until DS was able to start interacting with us. They're very close now. There's no shame in saying, babies are pretty boring! They're also a lot of bloody hard work

Sorry you've had a rocky start. We don't all get that instant rush of love. My eldest daughter was a little stranger to me when she was born - a cute but baffling stranger who bore no resemblance to the baby I thought I'd bonded with in the womb. I didn't know anything about babies and for the first few months I felt as if I was getting everything wrong. That little stranger is now 10 years old and it feels like in some way she's always been with me. You will bond with your baby, and that bond will deepen and strengthen over time.

With my first I loved him instantly. With my second it took months to feel like I properly loved him. I gave birth without an epidural and it was very quick and painful. I felt traumatised after and had no interest in holding DS immediately after he was born - luckily DH looked after the baby. For the first few months I went through the motions of caring for him. I didn't adore him but I wouldn't have wanted anything bad to happen to him. Gradually he grew on me. There is no difference now at all in the relationship I have with both of my sons now. It made absolutely no difference in the end.

Hugs for you OP! I felt like this and I was so upset, I felt like I hadn’t given birth to my DS due to a traumatic delivery and he felt like a stranger. Everyone else I knew talked about loving their baby even before they were born but I just didn’t get it at all. Breastfeeding was super painful and every feed felt like torture and it was really hard to start loving him until that settled down too. I started taking a baby massage class when he was 14 weeks and this really helped us bond, I wish I had started it sooner. I felt like crying every time we had to sing “I love you” to him, but we’ve just “graduated” from our class and it couldn’t feel more different! He’s now 10 months and he’s turning into an awesome little dude, it’s so much better when they start developing their little personalities rather than just being an eating, pooing, crying machine.

I talked to my HV later when I was worried that I might have had PND and they said that things like baby massage, singing and skin to skin are all good activities to release oxytocin that helps with bonding.

I think TV and movies have a lot of answer for making it seem like the crazy rush of love thing is something that happens to everyone, and if it doesn’t it makes you feel like something is wrong if you don’t feel it.dont worry though, it seems we are not alone!

I had a GA for my c section so wasn't awake when he was born. When they handed him to me they could have got him from anywhere! This really did have a knock on effect on my bond with him. I completely agree with the earlier post that you just have to fake it till you make it! I'm mad about him now but it did take a little time.

Took me about 18 months too to really feel the love for my son. Now he is the light of my life, there are no words to describe how much I love him and the bond we have is extremely strong. I can see that in how he responds to me. He’s eyes light up for me and mine do likewise for him.

Please don’t worry about your feelings for your LO. Having a baby is life changing and absolutely exhausting. What with the hormones all settling down (took me about 18 months again to feel back to normal) it’s no surprise that many of us don’t feel bonded or attached to our babies at first. Newborns are extremely hard work, often the first couple of months are just about surviving. The bond will come in time. Incidentally my sons birth was very tricky too and he was away from me for periods of time. I still get upset that I didn’t get to cuddle him when he was first born as he was too ill etc... but I promise you this has not made one iotas difference in terms of our bond now. My mother was also very vocal about how much she disliked babies. To be honest I just ignored that comment and decided to be the type of mother that I wanted to be and you will too.

Keep talking about this, you have nothing to be ashamed of and what you are feeling is very very common. It’s just that other mums don’t have the guts to speak up which is a terrible shame as if they did, I’m sure they would feel happier about themselves and realise they are not alone in these feelings.

I didn't bond instantly first time - I was very protective and knew that if anyone did anything to hurt her I would have torn them apart, but didn't feel this overwhelming rush that friends had talked about.

However over time it grew - she slept in a cosleeping cot and about 8 weeks in I woke up and saw her little face and cried with how much I loved her. And in hindsight, looking back at all the rubbish pictures we took of the early days we were clearly obsessed with her from earlier than I realised, as they were the most boring videos! 😉

Second and third time it's easier to fall quicker, as you know what they will become.
Don't push yourself, and do check in and see how you feel in a few weeks - there's no shame in going to a gp to check in and if there is an issue, you want to pick it up early.

I didn't bond quickly with my first child. I loved him and I worried about him - especially about my ability to care for him. I was overwhelmed and a bit shocked by how all-consuming having a newborn was.

Even with my second, it wasn't an instant bond but I was more relaxed, knowing how it had been with my first. I think I just struggle with newborns and that stage where you could be anyone to them - just the provider of milk.

I don't think a huge immediate rush of love is necessary. If you do have a rush of emotion, great, but it's not doom if you don't. I don't think I had one with either child; I just grew to love them. I look at it like I do dogs and cats. When is the last time you heard of a dog owner panicking because their new puppy arrived and they didn't feel an immediate rush of intense love for it? It doesn't happen, does it?

People decide they want a dog, they get a puppy and they take one look at it and say, "aaw, you're cute" and that's generally all. It doesn't have to be love at first sight- they just take care of it and the bond between them builds and builds over their lives together.

If a complete stranger on the doorstep presented me with a kitten or a human baby right now and told me it was officially mine to take care of, I wouldn't feel an immediate rush of love. I would feel a great deal of panic in fact. But I would take care of him or her, kitten or baby, and rush around obtaining formula and all the paraphernalia necessary, and I bet I would come to love the new baby/kitten just as much as my older children/cats.

Congratulations on your baby
Don’t overthink it or compare your experience to your mum or husband’s. It will come. You’re already doing an amazing job x

OP, I hope you're reassured by seeing how very common this experience is, difficult birth/postnatal time or not. Fwiw, I never had any one "rush of love" moment and I didn't recognise my own protectiveness as in fact being a perfectly good bond to start with. I bet anything you worry about your baby already, right? Anxious his needs aren't met, he's hungry or tired, you might accidentally hurt him? That IS love and maternal instinct right there.

I never looked at him and had an "OMG I love you" moment. Instead he simply grew on me, day by day, hour by hour, until he grew through me too and now every part of my life is permeated by my love for him (and his for me).

It's gonna be OK.

Mine was in NICU, one day they just bought him to me. Felt like they’d just handed me a baby.

It will pass. It’s also very common with NICU mums. I felt shit at first because I felt like I was supposed “to know” what to do.

Honestly, the instant bond doesn't happen for everyone. Its a bit taboo to say, but more common than you might think.

With DS1 I had a very fast and traumatic labour and was totally shell shocked for weeks. I felt very much like you, he was cute and I obviously wanted to take care of him (and did) but it was a bit like having a new pet or something. I didn't feel this overwhelming love that people bang on about and felt awful.

Well, one day when he was about six weeks old I was sat in the car with him crying my eyes out. DH asked me why and I literally couldn't stop crying because I loved DS so much. Just like that. And now, the boy is 2.5 and is the joy of my life in so many ways, I love him so much.

I went on the have DS2 and absolutely did have that incredible rush of love the moment he was born. I will never ever forget it, it was like meeting my soulmate.

So I have had both experiences and now? I love them both exactly the same. They are very different but my love for them isn't.

Sometimes we just need to get to know our baby, and that's ok. It's a brand new relationship and it can be incredibly tough and overwhelming at first so whatever you feel is generally normal. The big love will come, just give yourself time. It will sweep you off your feet one day and you'll wonder how you ever thought you didn't feel it.

New babies are boring add to the mix, getting over birth, total exhaustion from sleepless nights, no wonder it takes time to bond. After a while you come to adore them...

“Shellshock” is how I’d describe it. I felt like that for a while after I’d had DS. I loved him but I just felt confused, looking back I suspect I had PND.

Don't worry, OP, your baby will definitely grow on you. I didn't get the rush of love people talk about. In fact, it sort of felt like I was babysitting someone else's child for the first few weeks. I just remember at one point, and I couldn't even tell you when now, I looked in my rear view mirror at DD in her car seat and thought 'I love you'. I couldn't love her more now (she's 3). Don't worry, the overwhelming love will come.

I felt like this - It took a good 12 weeks before I really felt anything for her.

My eldest was born 6 weeks early via emc, I almost died so don’t remember him being born or even the first few days of his life. He was in scbu for around 4 weeks but as there was no where for me to stay I had to go home after 2 weeks. It was very odd going in to hospital to have a baby then leaving him there for the nurses to look after every evening. I didn’t mention it to anyone at the time but I really struggled to “love” him how I thought I should, I just felt like I was on auto-pilot looking after a baby. It took a good month or two after he was allowed to go home for me to properly bond with him.. He is now almost 13 years old, bigger than me & I couldn’t love him or be more proud of the lovely boy he has become. Try not to worry too much it will come eventually xx

OP, I felt similarly when my DS was born. When we got home from hospital, my dh burst into tears and said 'this hasn't been the happiest day of my life. It's been horrible!' And I had to agree. We both looked at this baby and wondered if we had made a terrible mistake. He's 10 months old now and we are absolutely crazy about him and love him to bits.

The first weeks are brutal. You're more exhausted than you've ever been, and you may not be properly aware of just how knackered you are because of all the hormones. And tiny babies are just a bundle of physical needs to start with. You don't know who they are for a while. Smiles and laughter help enormously when they start to happen, and that's just a couple of weeks away really. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up about not enjoying changing nappies. I think men often find this sort of stuff more 'enjoyable' because their bodies haven't been through the wringer, and they are often not doing all the night wakings, etc.

The fact that you're aware of your relationship with your mother and the lack of closeness means that (a) you're very unlikely to continue that attachment cycle (b) you're likely to be looking for signs of suboptimal bonding because that's a worry for you. It comes across in your post how much it matters to you to be close with your child, and I think this makes it very likely that you will.

Don't believe the "rush of love" myth. Sure, it will happen for some, but not everyone.

Your whole world has been turned upside down, you have to do literally everything but breathe for a new person that you've only known for two weeks and you're inevitably exhausted and hormone riddled.

It probably took me 6 months to bond with DD1. DD2 was probably a matter of days, but she didn't change my life nearly as radically.

I too had a 'good' labour with my first, but felt like I was just going through the motions of looking after him without any emotional attachment until he got a bit older, and like your mum said, I could interact with him more. That's when I started to see his personality and really started to feel love for him.

I agree that there isn’t always an instant bind, even less so if you have been separated just after the birth.

HOWEVER, I had convinced myself when dc1 was little thatbthe issue I had was just that, that I will start enjoying him etc... and that I didn’t have PND. Just normal struggles that every parent has.
It wasn’t. I actually did have PND that ended up not being treated and me then really struggling to bond with dc1.
When I had dc2 20months later, the way I felt was in such stark difference, really like day and night. It was only THEN that I realised how bad I had been.
So please don’t worry atm. Learn to enjoy your baby but if it does carry on, have a chat with your GP and HV.

With my first I collapsed and was in a coma for two day and even when I came round I was in the process of a blood transfusion so holding he was awkward.

It was about 2 weeks later that I felt a sudden rush when I was feeding him. It will come ,it may not be a rush either it may be a little more each day.