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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU funerals

55 replies

adelul · 16/02/2018 18:36

My partners Uncle died last week and so we are heading up to his funeral at the weekend with our 6 week old all the hotel is booked and we want to support my mother in law. My great Aunt then died and we are expected by my mum to be at her funeral in central London a week later, am I being unreasonable to just not want to be travelling so much with a young baby so to not want to go to the funeral in central London? The only problem is that since my daughter was born my family seem to believe I have a preference for my partner's family and that we somehow treat them better by allowing them to see our daughter more, which is not true, my parents were at the hospital 20 hours after I gave birth and we made my partner's parents wait to visit as they wanted to stay at our house. I just feel it will be a bit too much driving for my partner, in between his work, and the baby and I don't feel confident enough to do the drive to London by myself with the baby yet

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 16/02/2018 18:38

Go to the second funeral by public transport?

endofthelinefinally · 16/02/2018 18:38

Without dp I mean.

NewYearNewMe18 · 16/02/2018 18:39

Oddly funerals are a good place to catch up with family, but if you cant angle a lift, I wouldn't be driving midweek in central London, congestion charge, parking etc.

You can play it two ways - be up front and say you aren't going, or have a small trauma on the day..... baby with the sniffles/flat battery? White lies.

MincemeatTart · 16/02/2018 18:40

Traveling with a six week old is much easier than traveling when they are a little older and more demanding. What does your partner do,that he can’t drive in between work? Are we talking Devon to Harrogate return then in the same week Devon to London return? Could you go by train to London?
I think it’s acceptable to say you don’t want to go but I think you need to be honest and say you simply don’t want to.

whyismykid · 16/02/2018 18:48

Public transport is way easier with a tiny baby - you can just feed or cuddle them whenever they need it - take a sling and a back pack rather than a buggy - or just ask someone who is going (your mum?) to travel with you

Original poster

adelul · 16/02/2018 18:52

My dp works 12 hour days 5 days a week so I don't really want him having to drive halfway round the country on his days off. It'll be Somerset to Lancashire and then Somerset to London but public transport around here is not great, it's 40 minutes to the nearest train station and bus services are non existent and I just don't feel that confident travelling by myself with baby and am breastfeeding so can't leave her with dp. I suppose it's best just to be honest with my mum but not sure how it will go down or whether she will accept it as I have only just started standing up to her so she is finding it all difficult to understand when I say no from years of walking all over me!

OP posts:

FlibbertyGiblets · 16/02/2018 18:53

You're supporting your MIL which is admirable. Your Mum needs support, too.
So trek across London without too much grimacing.

I'm so sorry for your losses. Not an easy time.

OldBlueStitches · 16/02/2018 19:38

Maybe do it but block out the following two or three weekends and don't go anywhere for any reason. Knowing that you'll be staying put will help you get through the travelling.

But I agree about the travelling with a 6 week old. It's much easier than about 6 months later. Just make sure you rest during the week.

Actually, can you drive? Why not split the driving a bit too?

Original poster

adelul · 16/02/2018 19:39

My mum and I don't have the greatest relationship as shown by the fact she actually believes we prefer my dp parents, she can be very immature and mean to me whilst believing she is totally in the right so I don't like the way she assumes we will be going to the funeral because she has told us to be there when it is a long way to travel when we've travelled so much the previous weekend which I personally don't enjoy all the travelling and neither does my dp.
Thanks FlibbertyGiblets, it's been unfortunate but they were both expected

OP posts:

falsepriest · 16/02/2018 19:41

Suck it up and go to both. They'll only die once.

JamPasty · 16/02/2018 19:42

Could you drive to a tube station just outside London and get the tube in - that way you avoid driving actually in London

Karigan1 · 16/02/2018 19:42

It’s a funeral. It’s not as if it’s a daily occurrence. It might make for one hard week but personally I would deal with it and go. It means a lot to other members of your family and it’s when you get to say goodbye to a member of your family.

Aridane · 16/02/2018 19:44

Agree with falsepriest

milliemolliemou · 16/02/2018 19:57

Stay away from both funerals with apologies to everyone. Even if you were to go to both with great effort, you could end outside them nursing your six week old or stopping s/he crying.

And despite the distances, central London is harder to get to on your own with a 6 week old from the countryside than Somerset/Lancashire. 40 min drive to train station, train to London, tube or bus to funeral and then reverse journey. I make that 8 hours travel.

crunchymint · 16/02/2018 20:04

It seems as if you have already made up your mind?
Funerals happen once. Its not a fun day out. So yes I would go.

crunchymint · 16/02/2018 20:06

Personally I would get DP to drive you to train station and get an uber to the funeral.

negomi90 · 16/02/2018 20:10

From your mother's point of view. You are travelling with your baby to his uncle's funeral, but not to her Aunts.
As far as she concerned, there are two event one for his family, one for hers, both involve travelling but you're only going to his.
She has a point.
Go to both or none.

rothbury · 16/02/2018 20:12

Get DH to drop you at the train station and pick you up again when you get back.

I don't think you can say you are OK to attend Dh family funeral but not your own family. It would be better to attend neither tbh.

Gazelda · 16/02/2018 20:16

I'd either go to both or neither. From what you say, you obviously prefer his family to your own, so I think it's understandable that your DM points that fact out to you. And you are reinforcing her belief by going to your DP's uncles funeral but not your aunt's.

WhereIsBlueRabbit · 16/02/2018 20:19

If you decide to go to the London one, do you know exactly where it is, and would you be staying overnight? If so, would it be another hotel?

I've done Somerset to NE London more times than I care to count by public transport. The Somerset leg is also 40 minutes to the nearest bus station on a rather erratic service. I'd say it's about 3.5 hours to Paddington - our fastest journey one way all the way to NE London was just over 4 hours; usually 4-5 hours apart from the time there was a foot of snow but we don't talk about that.

If you want a steer on navigating public transport with a baby, happy to advise!

Bluelady · 16/02/2018 20:20

You can't do one and not the other, that would pour petrol on the bonfire of your mum's resentment. Go to the London one by train, a six week baby on a train is very manageable.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 16/02/2018 20:20

To be fair it sounds like you prefer your dh's family to me too so I see where your mother is coming from

Moussemoose · 16/02/2018 20:26

SIX WEEK OLD BABY!

Could some of you not read that?

Do what you can do. When I had a 6 week old clean clothes and not dribbling due to exhaustion was what I could manage.

If your mother is not prepared to support you at this time in your life because she is prioritising her needs tell her to get stuffed.

You have one funeral sorted and arranged go to that and then look after yourself. I can remember how hard those first few weeks are. Anybody who can't remember or won't support you isn't worth your time or concern.

Foodylicious · 16/02/2018 20:26

So sorry you are having to contend with all this as well as having just had a new baby!

I think the only thing you can do is be really honest with yourself. What you think you are physically and emotionally up to.

And don't worry too much about deciding what is best for your dp.
If he is happy to travel then let him support you in going to London.

Congratulations btw x

Original poster

adelul · 16/02/2018 20:30

The problem with my family is that since my DD's birth they have made nothing but trouble for me so I am finding our relationship hugely strained, they turned up the day after I gave birth, gave me a peck on the cheek then snatched the baby out of my arms and started a photoshoot with her without even asking if me and DP wanted a photo of us, they then even pulled the curtain further round my bed so I wasn't in the background of the photos. When they were arranging their next visit at the hospital we asked them to wait one day so that we wouldn't have clashes between people visiting and they proceeded to start shouting at me and tell me I was being unreasonable then got my brother to call me to yell at me and tell me I was being ungrateful and an awful person for not letting him visit Saturday evening and asking him to just wait until Sunday morning. This behaviour has carried on for the past 6 weeks without any care for us just becoming parents and going through some stresses with feeding. I think the crux of it is I am still very angry and disappointed in all of their behaviour over all of this and I find my DP's parents have been saintly in their behaviour compared to my parents so that's part of the reason I don't mind supporting my MIL but find it hard supporting my Mum because of all the names I have been called by both my brother and mum

OP posts:

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