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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU funerals

55 replies

adelul · 16/02/2018 18:36

My partners Uncle died last week and so we are heading up to his funeral at the weekend with our 6 week old all the hotel is booked and we want to support my mother in law. My great Aunt then died and we are expected by my mum to be at her funeral in central London a week later, am I being unreasonable to just not want to be travelling so much with a young baby so to not want to go to the funeral in central London? The only problem is that since my daughter was born my family seem to believe I have a preference for my partner's family and that we somehow treat them better by allowing them to see our daughter more, which is not true, my parents were at the hospital 20 hours after I gave birth and we made my partner's parents wait to visit as they wanted to stay at our house. I just feel it will be a bit too much driving for my partner, in between his work, and the baby and I don't feel confident enough to do the drive to London by myself with the baby yet

OP posts:

Manupprincess · 16/02/2018 20:33

I do the Somerset trip on public transport about once a month and it is such a pain. No way I would do it with a 6 week old baby. It may be kinder to your mum to use a white lie (D&V) at the last minute.

Moussemoose · 16/02/2018 20:34

It goes both ways, that's how relationships work.

They support you, you support them. They don't support you you don't support them.

You have to be prepared for the consequences they will see nothing wrong in their actions and will hold it against you. On the other hand do you care? How bothered are you about having these unsupportive, emotionally manipulative people in you life.

I would not go, I would look after myself and my baby and then I would get on with my life without them.

HateTheDF · 16/02/2018 20:34

If that's the way your family treat you'd I'd leave them to it.

Chunkymonkey123 · 16/02/2018 20:40

I would not travel into central London with a 6 week old Baby. I also think that your DH’s uncle is different to your great aunt. I am much closer to my uncle than I am my great aunt (never actually met her!) so that would influence my opinion.

Your family should be supporting you at this time, and tbh if they are already playing the ‘we are second best’ card going to the funeral will change nothing. There will be Mother’s Day, easter, Christmas, birthdays etc where they will be able to voice the same complaints.
Life isn’t fair and if you get more support from your husbands family then it is only natural you see them more. Sometimes you reap what you sow.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/02/2018 20:46

Did you have a good relationship with the lady, who died? What about when you were a child? If you didn’t know her very much, I wouldn’t go. But you need to separate how your brother and mother treat you from that and decide whether or not you want to go.

Your brother and mother sound horrible. I am also equally badly treated. It is disgusting to treat a post partum woman so appallingly. In your place, I’d be veering toward your in laws too.

BewareOfDragons · 16/02/2018 21:04

Not only would I not go, I would seriously be considering going NC for a while I try to figure out if your relationship with them is worth the hell they seem to put you through regularly.

Set your boundaries and stick to them, even if it means not talking to them at all.

Witchend · 16/02/2018 21:14

Send dp to his uncle, you go to your aunt.

Original poster

adelul · 16/02/2018 21:32

The reason I suppose I am linking their behaviour with the funeral is that it means spending a long time with them and after being told I am a bad person again 3 days ago by them both I am really not keen on going through spending that time with them when I wasn't all that close anyway with my great aunt and travelling all that way to socialise with people who can one minute hate me and the next send me wonderful daughter cards

OP posts:

inkandstone · 16/02/2018 21:35

I don't think I'd go either. I can imagine what they'll be like with the baby if that's how they behaved when she was born.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/02/2018 21:37

I really don’t understand the hate and the wonderful daughter cards. I get the hate and the cards too. Very fucked up people. I am nc with my brother and low contact with mother.

In your case, I wouldn’t go. And I’d seriously consider going nc for a while. I did it with my mother some time ago when she and my brother were vile about my dd. It was lovely not to have to speak to her.

AJPTaylor · 16/02/2018 21:43

Make your life a whole lot easier and find a white lie. Baby is poorly. I feel for you, its a lot to ask when baby is 6 weeks old
She probably wouldnt have expected it if you hadnt agreed to go to first. I have done somerset to london. Its a haul to do that plus whatever you need to do at the other end

officerhinrika · 16/02/2018 21:55

With a 6 week old getting dressed before lunchtime is an achievement so don’t give in to badgering to attend events at an inconvenient physical distance. Your family isn’t thinking of your best interests so ignore them. They’re too far away to pop round and you can screen calls.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 16/02/2018 22:07

Just read your update, nah don't bother, I see why you would prefer your In-laws. If you don't feel up to standing up to then your dh should, you don't need to take that shit off people, and the more shit you take the more people like that throw

JamPasty · 16/02/2018 22:07

Ah, given that situation, I would suggest that D&V bugs can come on very suddenly and leave you far too ill to travel to funerals. Send your condolences and stay home!

MatildaTheCat · 16/02/2018 22:12

Attend and show your faces at the funeral. Shake hands and offer your condolences to the close family members and then leave for whatever reasons you choose. It’s not usually funerals that cause trouble, it’s the aftermath.

VioletCharlotte · 16/02/2018 22:16

I think for me, it would depend on how close I was to either of these people. Partners Uncle -what was your relationship with him? Do you need to go or could your partner go alone? Great Aunt - again, were you close to her? I've got several great aunts, some I've not seen for years and one I'm close to. I'd only go to the funeral of the one I'm in regular contact with.

ASimpleLampoon · 16/02/2018 22:36

Don't bother going unless the person who died was very close and it will give you some closure. Don't be bullied into going to a funeral just to give in to your mother's bratty behaviour. Your non attendance will make no difference to the person who has died.

Your family sound like a nightmare to be honest. Could you go low or no contact or move far away from them. Whatever you do, do not rely on them for childcare and think carefully before allowing them to have a relationship with your baby. Voice of experience here.

Your family's behaviour is not likely to improve. Please read Toxic Parents and look into FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Look at the Stately Homes thread on Relationships.

I am NC with my nightmare family and it's the best decision I ever made. I only regret not doing it 20 years earlier, and my biggest regret is letting them in my children's lives.

norfolkenclue · 16/02/2018 22:51

Were you close to your great aunt? Because really, that's all that matters here. If YOU wish to attend the funeral of someone YOU are personally grieving for, then you really wouldn't be on here asking questions...because there wouldn't be any question that you'd be going if there was any way at all that you could get there. I don't even know my great aunts...my mum told me recently that her cousin had died and that she was going to the funeral. I was sad for her, but I didn't know the cousin, so didn't feel any need to attend (and my mum wouldn't have even thought to ask...plenty of her contemporaries there to reminisce with...I'd have been in the way!)

AJPTaylor · 17/02/2018 09:06

Blimey. Just read your last update. Jusy dont go. Hopefully your mother will stop speaking to you!

PurpleWithRed · 17/02/2018 09:11

With a 6 week old baby I’d only go to a funeral that far away if it was someone I was very close to and DH could get the day off. I certainly wouldn’t travel that distance to be with difficult, rude relatives.

Findingdotty · 17/02/2018 09:12

I wouldn't go to the second funeral. But then I wouldn't go to the first either. I would prioritise your baby and just settle in to parenthood. Your baby and being a parent is your new priority. This is just the first of many difficult decisions you will have to make as a parent and you need to learn to put your foot down.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 17/02/2018 09:13

Personally I wouldn't be going to either funeral with a six week old baby. Chances are you could be stuck outside with them anyway. Id let my dh go to his uncle's and tell my mum I couldn't make it to your great aunts.

CapnHaddock · 17/02/2018 09:17

I wouldn't take a 6 week old baby on a really long car journey unless it was absolutely necessary. And a funeral of someone you weren't close to is not an absolute necessity.

dottybooboo22 · 17/02/2018 09:28

Tell your family you're not going to either funeral and then go to the first one without them knowing.

Original poster

adelul · 17/02/2018 11:48

Mummyoflittledragon I am so sorry you have to go through this too, it has been such a hard time and instead of enjoying the first few weeks with my baby I have had more arguments than I can count over people staying over or visiting DD, at one point my mum, dad and brother expected to be staying when there were already 3 people and a dog staying in our house and then expected us to kick those people staying out halfway through their stay.
My DP sees how I am and it really upsets him and me when dealing with them and it has also affected my DD as when I get upset so does she.
I'm a lot closer to my DP's uncle than my great aunt, so that's part of the reason, my mum sees it as my duty to be there to support my dad but she doesn't seem to respect any of my wishes in regards to DD and just in general so in a selfish way I suppose I don't want their negative, manipulative behaviour around my DD, everytime they have seen her recently it has all been about getting the 'right' photo for them to send to their friends rather than just enjoying the time holding her which winds me up as people I have never met are getting photos of my DD and I won't even go into facebook, I have refrained from posting anything because I know it will be a competition as to who can share the photo the soonest after me, as it happened with the scan photo.
My DP's uncle's funeral will be 10 people as it is only very close family and I would like to pay my respects, it's just unfortunate that it has fallen on 2 consecutive weekends.
Thank you everybody for all the advice, whatever way I decide I am sure my family will have something to say, sorry as well, I feel like this has turned into a vent on my behalf!

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