AIBU funerals

[adelul]

My partners Uncle died last week and so we are heading up to his funeral at the weekend with our 6 week old all the hotel is booked and we want to support my mother in law. My great Aunt then died and we are expected by my mum to be at her funeral in central London a week later, am I being unreasonable to just not want to be travelling so much with a young baby so to not want to go to the funeral in central London? The only problem is that since my daughter was born my family seem to believe I have a preference for my partner's family and that we somehow treat them better by allowing them to see our daughter more, which is not true, my parents were at the hospital 20 hours after I gave birth and we made my partner's parents wait to visit as they wanted to stay at our house. I just feel it will be a bit too much driving for my partner, in between his work, and the baby and I don't feel confident enough to do the drive to London by myself with the baby yet

You said it - whichever ever way you turn they will have a go at you so you may as well do what's best for you and your DD.

adelul. Thank you. I feel very sorry for you too. I really think you need to cut these people out of your life. For a while at least. This time should be such a magical time, to bond with your baby. Not to appease entitled abusers. The most important thing to do is to protect your lo and yourself. You know they aren’t going to be good role models and aren’t going to be the grandma and uncle your dd deserves. You are at least blessed with a loving husband and in laws.

@mummyoflittledragon it's such a hard position to be in and I do worry that I will end up the same because my gran is the same as my mum and they fell out for 7 years, it was only when I met my now husband they reconciled because of him! My mum even did it over our wedding as well so I wasn't surprised just really disappointed in them. I'm very lucky to be supported by my in laws and husband just wish we hadn't started off like this but we've got many more memories to make in the future.

Now that you are conscious of the power at play, you have the opportunity to change the dynamic between yourself and your child/ any future children. You cannot change the relationship that you have with your mother. She controls that. And I expect she set the tone of the relationship between you and your brother and therefore controls the relationship as well. What you can control is a) how much you let this affect you and b) how often you have contact with them, if at all.

All you have to do as a mother is love your child for who they are, nurture and care for them. Give them unconditional love. Let them know that however upset or angry you are with them, you will always be there to support, love and care for them - and give them a hug. They can never do anything, which will possibly change your love for them. Talk a lot and have family values, which “we” as a family do.

You are already far more self aware than either your mother or your grandmother. Much as you may see yourself as the disadvantaged one as you appear to be the scapegoat in the family, you are actually the lucky one. Because you get to escape and you get to create a whole new chapter in your family life and leave the bitterness and divisions, which have plagued your family throughout perhaps many generations.

My mum sounds like yours. Mine is emotionally immature and very insecure. My mum is very jealous of my in-laws and likes to feel superior to them because she gets to see my DC more because she lives close by. She gets annoyed when I visit them and acts all passive aggressive.

Her behaviour has completely put me off her and I now very much limit the time we spend together. The strange thing is that her behaviour over my in-laws has made me see what lovely and normal people my in-laws are in comparison. I'm glad I have such a lovely MIL who's shown me what a normal mother behaves like.

You are still, in your mind, under the control of your mum. It took me a few years to open my eyes and see that I was making decisions in my life to keep my mum from getting annoyed. Now I decide what I do and if she gets annoyed that's her tough luck. If she gets passive- aggressive or makes unreasonable demands I back off for a while and distance myself. When she sends angry or over-emotional texts I just delete them.