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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to do DP & his son's washing anymore?

116 replies

hoolagirl · 02/05/2007 11:22

I currently work from home full time. I basically do everything I can (time permitting) in the way of housework.
This usually ends up in me spending most of the morning (in between doing work) washing and ironing.
I have at least 2 loads every day. DP and his son tend to hoard their washing, so the day it gets dumped in washing basket there is no way I can get it all done, plus the following day there is twice as much ironing.
This leaves me less time to do other things that I would prefer to do.
Now if I just do mine and my ds's washing, I can comfortably do all my work and get the house in order.
It was starting to piss me off, and DP has said many times, not to do it if I didnt' want to and they didnt' expect all their washing and ironing to be done for them.
Now I have done it for 3 months and its what my day seems to revolve around.
I told DP yesterday that he now needs to do his and his DS's washing as i am resenting it.
He said that was fine and done it yesterday, he asked me last night to do his and his ds's ironing and I said no, do it yourself.
He is now in a strop, banging doors etc, saying that all I do is lounge around all day etc and basically he is acting like my 2 year old who is not getting his own way.
So, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

fleacircus · 02/05/2007 12:29

DP and I take it in turns - week on, week off - to be responsible for washing. We do our own ironing but are lucky and have a cleaner once a week who does some of it. On the other weeks we do all the food shopping, cooking and washing up. It always surprises me to read threads on here about DP/Hs who don't pull their weight - how on earth do you respect a man who can't pick his own dirty socks up? Although, to be fair, our first child is due in December, god only knows how that will mess with our carefully worked out systems!

expatinscotland · 02/05/2007 12:33

As for a 13-year-old able-bodied kid not doing the ironing, well, then he can run around in wrinkled clothes.

I'll be damned if I'll be policing stuff like that for someone that old.

I was doing my own laundry at the age of 8. It's not hard. You put it in, put soap in, turn a dial and push a button.

I was doing my own ironing by about the age of 10.

Or it just didn't get done.

As my mother said, 'I'm your mother, not your maid. You want a maid? When you grow up, you get a job so you can pay for one.'

My 3-year-old helps me load the washing machine.

OrmIrian · 02/05/2007 12:35

When I work at home I confess to doing a few household chores incl stuffing things in the machine. It takes no time. But I would expect that they sort their own washing, make it available regularly not in a big lump, and do their own washing.

QueenofBleach · 02/05/2007 12:36

I told DH that was sick and tired of picking up his dirty clothes from floor when basket was 2 feet away and if it wasn't in the basket it didn't get washed, not working regards the basket biut not washing it either. Me and DD have lots of freshly washed clothes and he has nothing

Original poster

hoolagirl · 02/05/2007 12:38

I don't care who does their washing and ironing now, cos it won't be bloody me

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 02/05/2007 12:38

Keep leaving it there, QoB. Be strong.

Sorry, but I do not get men who are so lazy and disrespectful they can't be arsed to put their clothes in a washing bin and expect their wives to pick up after them like hotel staff/maids.

Or women who silently seethe but put up with it.

I mean, if it doesn't bother you, fair enough.

But if it does, then DON'T DO IT.

Original poster

hoolagirl · 02/05/2007 12:39

It does bother me, thats why im not doing anymore.
If it didn't bother me, I would happily do it.
It doesn't bother me tidying up/hoovering when I have time, but the washing drives me nuts!

OP posts:

QuiltHugger · 02/05/2007 13:22

I'm a SAHM but my dh still irons his own shirts after he made rude comments about how they were done.
he also made some lounge about all day comments so I did for two days. the state of the house. he can now see what I do all day.

my dd 'helps' with the washing at 18months

not unreasonable cheeky blightier!

dmo · 02/05/2007 14:11

just reading this thread has upset me a little why do most of you deal with your own children but not with your partners?
once a step child lives in your house it should become your child to share not thats mine and thats yours
my mum and dad divorced when i was 6yrs old and we all lived with dad, when i was 8 dad met a lady who he later married she had a 5yr old (her dh had died) and myself and brothers were always treated different (still are) when my sister (my dads dd and step mums dd) had a baby step mum said this is my first grandchild (my boys were 8 and 9) and she is always buying the baby things and having her overnight (my boys have never slept over)
my dh and i are thinking of adopting in a few yrs and i hope to god i treat my boys and the adopted children the same

edam · 02/05/2007 14:16

I think most of the stepmothers on this thread have older stepchildren ie children who are old enough to do some chores, maybe? If I had a 14yo and a 5yo, for instance, I'd expect the 14yo to put their own clothes in the linen bin and maybe load and unload the machine.

But really I think this is about the dads. They shouldn't be using their dws as unpaid laundry maids.

bozza · 02/05/2007 15:07

Good point DMO, but if the stepson is 13 he should now be able to do the chores. I have told my 2yo that if she does not put her clothes in the basket, I will not wash them and she won't be able to wear them. Obviously with a 2yo this could backfire, but she has lots and lots of clothes (grateful recipient of many handmedowns and gifts) so it would be a while before it was a problem.

RustyBear · 02/05/2007 15:14

I staged a strike when DC's were teenagers (can't remember exactly how old) so now theoretically everyone does their own washing and ironing. In practice, I generally shove anything that's in the utility room in when I'm doing a wash, but I don't iron the kids stuff. I do usually do DH's but since his work started the casual clothes thing it's usually only a few polo shirts.
Also DD is always willing to iron my/DH's stuff for cash - I pay 10p per item, but fizzbuzz's post makes me wonder if I'm being mean (especially as she does it better than me!)

lucyellensmum · 02/05/2007 15:15

Yes - i am afraid you are being unreasonable. MY dd1 is exactly the same, in fact i have to fish very dubious clothing out of her pit of a bedroom, welcome to the world of teenagers. BIG mistake to differentiate between stepson and your own child as this will lead to resentment (believe me, i know). I would lay the law down to step son, as you would your own, if he wants you to do his washing then he must bring it down in time etc and then it can all go into one wash and that you wont be doing separate washes. That is fair. Perhaps DP should help more around the home. I imagine working from home is tough, what do you do?

Carmenere · 02/05/2007 15:39

Hang on a minute before you pull the wicked step mother routine. There is NO WAY that I would do MY dd's washing and ironing when she is 13. I might do her washing if she puts it in the basket and I include it with the rest but I will NOT do her ironing. I don't enjoy ironing and I only do it for her now because she is too small to do it herself.

FYI my mother was the same and showed each and every one of her five dc's how to use the washing machine when we were 12. I think this is entirely reasonable, we are wives, partners and mothers but not housemaids.

bozza · 02/05/2007 15:46

When I was a teenager I was expected to do a stint at the ironing board doing the family's ironing.

expatinscotland · 02/05/2007 15:56

I was, too, bozza.

My dad was in his house, too, as were all five siblings.

FWIW, I think people baby their kids here too much, then wonder why there are all these slobby, sexist, dysfunctional adults out there.

Family means team. As in everyone pitches in and does his/her share as appropriate to his/her age.

Teaching kids chores teaches them respect for their stuff, other peoples' stuff and the other members of their family.

And 13 is old enough to use an iron. Or just go about wrinkled.

speedymama · 02/05/2007 15:58

When I was 8yo, my parents showed me how to the ironing. Thereafter, I did the ironing for all the family until I left home, age 25yo.

Now, I still do all the ironing and I don't mind. I find it therapeutic.

mummylin2495 · 02/05/2007 16:00

i do a lot of my ironing in the tumble dryer.i dry it in the garden and then if you stick things in tumble dryer for a few minutes only ( where appropriate) then when you take them out just hang on hangers or fold them up then whoever can just put their clothes away.

fizzbuzz · 02/05/2007 16:04

Yes, this is definitely about age.

My dss are 20 and 17, and ds is 13. I still do ds's washing, but it is up to him to put it in basket. If dss were 5 and 7 or whatever, of course I would do their washing.
But teenagers are adult size, so everything is large size which takes quite a lot of dealing with

bozza · 02/05/2007 16:15

Agree with expat, re the age appropriate stuff. Hence DD is 2 and expected to put her clothes in the basket. DS is 6 and is expected to put away his drawer clothes in the correct drawer. DH is 33 and expected to do whatever I ask.

speedymama · 02/05/2007 16:19

My 3yo DTS put their clothes in the basket. You need to start as you mean to go on.

In this case the parents of OP's DSS have been negligent in their training.

fizzbuzz · 02/05/2007 16:20

However, what nobody ever told me about becoming a stepfamily was how the amount of housework would increase, it was never mentioned in any stepfamily books I read, and I think it is a very big thing.TBH I bitterly resented it, and still do.

I hate housework, and apart from the eldest the other 2 seem incapable of doing anything, despite our best efforts.

Whilst I was happy to be with dp and his kids, I was not at all happy about housework issue, it was a massive shock. In fact have often wondered about posting a thread about this on the stepfamilies topic.

I am sick of shifting all their crap, wiping away crumbs scattered everywhere etc. It drives me mad.

I think part of being a stepfamily is doing what works best for you as a family

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 02/05/2007 16:31

Whoever said it doesn't take much time to do the washing, if you do it properly, it does. It takes 10 minutes to sort out whites from wools and coloured and make sure that the precious cashmere red jumper doesn't get put in the hot wash, or the red thing doesn't go in wiht the whites and turn everything pink.

And hanging it out takes me 20 minutes. I try and do it as quickly as possible but it takes 15- 20 minutes. Then it takes another 10 minutes to take it off the line and put it in a basket and take it inside.

That's 40 minutes before you've even sorted it into piles, let alone ironing. Quite a chunk out of a working day.

I agree you are not being unreasonable. People over the age of 12 are perfectly capable of doing their own laundry, although younger people might need guidance (re temperature, spin cycles etc.)

I also think you need to impress on your DP that you are working from home, not sitting on your arse from home. Your employer is not paying you to do the laundry.

wheresmysuntan · 02/05/2007 16:52

A you say you work fulltime I really don't see why on earth your dp thinks you should do any more housework than him. You both work fulltime - place of work is irrelevant. So all chores should be evenly split; when doing that then obviously consider who is where when. etc

lyrabelacqua · 02/05/2007 16:53

What'sdwrong with going out in wrinkled clothes? me, my DP and two ds's do. Anyway, body heat soon smooths out the creases.
Ironing is not part of my life - too many other things i'd rather be doing. (btw DP irons his own work shirts)

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