PIL issues. Wanting to see GC separately

[Coffeeisnecessary]

Hi mumsnetters, I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable about this particular problem so please help me! My MIL is a tricky person, diagnosed personality disorder along with a host of other issues, she is very negative and has been nasty about me for the whole 16 years I've known her behind my back, face to face she is pleasant enough. She adores my 2 DS and they her, however she treats my eldest DS as if he is the second coming, she has openly admitted she prefers him and sees her as 'hers' whereas my second DS she describes as 'theirs' meaning my family's. She only wants to see them separately but plans for my second DS always seem to fall through so she sees him far less. He notices this and has started pulling away from them. I hate it as it seems like such obvious favouritism. My FIL always used to seem so rational but he also agrees they only want to have them on their own as they can't cope with both. He thinks they need time apart from each other, which may be true. They go to the same school and we generally have them both together so it's possible they would benefit from time apart. My DS are 6 and 4 and get on well mostly. I'm conflicted as I know my own views of my MIL may be tainting my opinion but aibu to dislike them seeing them separately?

I also do not understand the need for them to have time apart. My sister and I are 13 months apart and never went to my grandparents separately, we we're each other's play mate.

my mil does this. says she wants to see gc's separately and then only sees 'her favourite' (actually said this in front of the favourite's sibling).

it's crap and i don't much care for my mil.

if i were you i'd stop these visits. or you could say 'you haven't treated ds2 yet.' but would be better to only see them at family gatherings. her treatment of you isn't on.

It's perfectly normal for two children close in age to spend most of their time together. This is just a way of shoring up their favouritism.

As they get older, it may indeed be good to spend time doing different things if their interests diverge but at their age, it's not necessary.

And if your 4 year old - who really is still a baby - realises that his GPS are actively favouring his brother, you need to step in. It must be absolutely blatant for a child that age to clock it. You need to protect both your kids from this toxicity

Hi. I don't think I'd let MIL see either kids alone but alongside FIL I think I would.My ILs are great but can't cope for long with both my kids - they tire them out and they want to be able to give full attention to one child. So don't think its a problem seeing them separately. Agree with others if she cancels on child X then its their turn next so its not all one sided as long as they are happy to go.

My Gran was all about her boys, was okay towards me and disliked my sister. Which I understood but didn't like. My other Granny saw this and would treat me and my sister to equal it out.

As long as overall the boys get treated and looked after I think its ok. I would expect gifts to be pretty equal or they would be sent back/given away/ sold and money spent on both of them.

I would have a word with FIL about treating them equally but would be happy to let them look after one at a time as long as they take in turns with which child they have and are fair about what they do with them.

I wouldn't let her have them on her own at all
Even if she evens it out and sees them both you don't know how she is treating them or what she is saying

As PPs have said, you will never get her (or FIL) to see that this is disordered thinking. Trying to manipulate or force them into seeing the one alone that they don't want is just going to make things worse, plus the unwanted child is going to pick up very much on the rejection and the resistance to seeing him.

We have a family member with a personality disorder who when twins came along almost talked us through the process when they were babies of their making a decision which one of the two they were going to have a relationship with. It was quite weird to watch. For some reason in their mind a relationship with two just wasn't possible, they had to choose one. At that point we started maneuvering to prevent the removal/focus on the chosen one with avoiding and rejecting the discarded one, which includes an adult who is clued up on the situation being around all the time to manage things.

You're not limiting or preventing the relationship but you do need to ensure that the children are protected from something MiL will not be able to fix, or change or accept is harmful for them. If she could, she wouldn't have a personality disorder. You only have to look up the golden child/scapegoat dynamic to see that the psychological harm to BOTH children is severe, sometimes even worse for the golden child, and it will mess up the relationship between the children too. You may also end up facing anger from them in their teens and adulthood if you let them be treated this way. It's a crappy situation all round.

I would not ever leave children with your PIL. She has a personality disorder ffs. FIL isn’t able to manage her behaviour.

I feel sorry for her, but not enough that I’d let her screw up 2 children. This kind of favourite behaviour is damaging to both of them as well as upsetting for you.

You only have to look up the golden child/scapegoat dynamic to see that the psychological harm to BOTH children is severe, sometimes even worse for the golden child, and it will mess up the relationship between the children too.

I totally agree with this. Please don’t allow this to happen.

I wouldn't allow either of my DC within a mile of this woman unsupervised.

Sorry I disagree with some of these comments.
I encourage seeing the GP separately. They can concentrate on each child on their own and it gives them special time. Mine love it.
I wouldn't want to have to look after a six and four year old together. I much prefer it when I get one on one! And I speak as a practised mum of four!
You might find, that favouritism apparent or otherwise shifts about - depending on what is convienient at the time.

sometimes it's swings and roundabouts.
One child gets more money spent in them, another more time, another might get more activities, another their own bedroom.

Have you even read the OPs posts Head?
They have already decided which child is their favourite. This is not about spending time with their grandchildren

@Coffeeisnecessary I would just take turns. So she sees DC1, then the following time its DC2. If the day falls through for either of them it doesn't just go back to DC1s turn - its still DC2s turn. Until they are forced to have him. Then back to DC1 again.

Although if she is as wierd as you say I wouldnt trust her with my DC.

I would be very blunt about this. 'MIL, ds2 is noticing that you have a favourite and it's not him. Your behaviour is damaging to both boys and I don't intend to put up with it any more. Either the favouritism stops or you don't see them any more. And we can't let you have them on your own for a while because we need to see that the favouritism has stopped.'

This sort of stuff is too damaging to pussyfoot around. And if your dh won't deal with it, unfortunately you need to.

Feb

Your mum tried to talk to her but it just caused arguments???

My jaw is on the floor! Just caused arguments and!! That's the most terrible awful thing that's happened there?

My Mil is awful too, I cannot begin to imagine the argument that would ensue if she dared to treat my dd like this, argument too right, argument and either supervision or no visits but I can assure you 100% no favouritism allowed.

My children are the same age as yours, and are with their grandparents right now.

If the 4 year was left behind, he would be baffled and devastated.

You can't let this happen OP.

YANBU. My DC sometimea go to my DM and MIL separately because they enjoy the time on their own but they also go together. We are NC with my father's wife, she used to favour me and my siblings switching favourites and trying to play us off against each other. There were many issues with her and we were LC but when she started to favour DC1 over DC2 we cut all contact. My father has chosen not to see us because he won't come without his wife but that's his choice to make and neither DH or I regret our decision to protect our children from this woman. Please be careful and don't let your MIL damage your children. If you continue contact I agree with PPs that it sounds unwise to allow any unsupervised contact with either of your children.

My youngest doesnt stay yet with gp! So the middle ones have time now - the oldest has left home - and in time he will have time with them.

The thought of looking after a six and four year old together actually horrifies me. Not now. I'm middle aged. You've no idea how your energy and capabilities drift away. Some people can - great for them. Some can't. Don't criticise until you have been able to - and then thank your lucky stars you still can.

You appear to be posting about a different thread @Headofthehive55

Meet with them alone and tell them that they refuse to treat the boys equally they won't see them at all. And if you are still comfortable allowing it, make sure they see DC2 before they see DC1. if the plans "fall through" DC1's visit is postponed until they've seen DC2. (But I would feel uncomfortable sending the unfavoured DC off with them alone tbh...)

I would be very blunt about this. 'MIL, ds2 is noticing that you have a favourite and it's not him. Your behaviour is damaging to both boys and I don't intend to put up with it any more. Either the favouritism stops or you don't see them any more. And we can't let you have them on your own for a while because we need to see that the favouritism has stopped.'

I think this is the best way to handle it.

Nope. Both or nothing.

It would be OK to see them separately if there wasn't blatant favouritism going on, and if they were making even the tiniest effort to try and treat both of their GS equally in terms of time and attention.

But the whole 'he's ours' and 'he's yours' thing is awful and very unhealthy. They will notice the disparity and it's completely inappropriate and unfair to allow a golden child and scapegoat child dynamic to develop.

I would not be allowing this manipulation.

And considering outright favouritism towards DC1 I wouldn’t be allowing unsupervised access even if both children were present. 4yo is not old enough to defend himself from this.

My dad didnt allow us around his parents unsupervised ever. It was hard on him, he used to bring us for a visit every month but that had to stop because of their comments and blatant favouritism of our cousins. My cousins would get thoughtful expensive gifts while we got nothing. I would be compared with my cousin and her private school education that they paid for. When I got my junior and leaving cert exams he didn't believe I had past because I was the "dumb" one so he demanded to see my results. The favouritism wasn't hidden, he would tell us at the dinner table what he though of each of us.

My parents have 5 grandchildren and they tie themselves up in knots making sure one isnt left out of left lacking. It might mean one gets a bit more than the other but its fair for each child and they enjoy spending time with them. Its not fair on your ds that he is found lacking by his grandparents and as his parents you need to say enough. They are either treated fairly or not at all. With a personality disorder in the mix is it really fair for the children to be left with her when they are too young to be able to deal with her themselves? I find it worrying that she is allowed around them unsupervised especially as things stand now.