Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to expect MIL to feed ds only what I leave out for him?

92 replies

mildredpierce · 02/05/2007 09:44

MIL is looking after ds (8 mo) for a day a week whilst I work, which is great for us all; they enjoy the time spent together & I get peace of mind at work. However, she's always been of the 'I know best' brigade, which mostly isn't an issue, as we have fairly similar views on bringing up kids. I leave food for him so she hasn't got too much to do, but she's always giving him things I don't want him to have - she gave him weetabix the other day with his fruit & porridge. I know it doesn't sound like much but she has no idea what a balanced diet consists of, and I'm worried that one day I'll come home & she'll have fed him chocolate or stuffed him with biscuits before tea. Also, if she can't respect what I want him to eat, will this disregard spread into other areas? So, am I unreasonable to be so bloody annoyed?

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 02/05/2007 16:17

Haven't read all the thread - but the sugar rush theory is baloney (did nobody else see the experiment on 'The Truth about Food'?)

CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 16:20

Agnes, I don't know how old your MIL is, but perhaps she's not used to people nowadays being so controlling and prescriptive about what goes into their children's mouths?

Aloha · 02/05/2007 16:24

God, that poor old grandma. Gives her beloved grandson a bit of weetabix (which is hardly crack cocaine) and gets grief for it - and this is when she is HELPING YOU! If I were her, I'd be so pissed off.

BibiThree · 02/05/2007 16:45

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I have the same beef with my MIL. Yes, I was and am very grateful for all the free help we get during the week and weekends/overnight from her, and she is a wonderful gran, BUT I don't feel she respects me and dh as PARENTS, and that's the issue. She sees dh as her baby boy and me as a young girl who doesn't know as much as her and her constant overriding of our wishes and decisions regarding dd is patronising and disrespectful. She raised her boys the way she wished, we have the right to do the same with dd.

Mostly, we get the snidey comments about dd "being deprived" as she's a veggie - she is a perfectly healthy, normal height/weight child. She also gives her sweets, chocolate, ice-cream, crisps, cartons of RIBENA (even though is says on them not suitable for children under 36m ffs!) and much more and her justifications are:

XX was having them so i couldn't deprive her(other granddaughter she looks after)
Being vegetarian makes her crave sweet things more (wtf?!)
My boys were never stopped form having sweet/ chocolate etc and they both have lovely teeth

As you can see, it annoys me

Should we ask the moderators for a MILs - WHY WE HATE THEM topic...?

lucyellensmum · 02/05/2007 17:16

now RIBENA is where i draw the line - my MIL does the same with SIL kids actually now i think about it i would be mad as a snake, but she does it in front of mother, asks the children if they want ribena so mother not in good position to say no. Luckily for me my dd only likes water

agnesnitt · 02/05/2007 17:38

My ex mother in law has bugger all to do with my daughter. She's a foul and evil old witch who will not go near any grandchildren she cannot control. So she has one grandson, instead of one grandson and three granddaughters. Her choice to live like this by the way, not mine or that of her other daughter.

As for my own mum, she's in her sixties, but she can still respect the fact that she is a grandparent and not a parent. She raised me and trusts that I am capable of making choices for my children. She may not always agree with me, and probably thinks I am a bit too strict at times, but that's the way it is, and we get along fine.

Agnes

Aloha · 02/05/2007 20:00

me, I think respect has to go both ways. YOu are not the holy madonna because you have produced a child, and if you are getting free loving childcare, you had better stop acting like an iron curtain dictator.

MaloryTowers · 02/05/2007 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rantinghousewife · 02/05/2007 20:10

Agnesnitt, I'd bet a pound to a penny, you're mother does disrespect your wishes, she's probably just wise enough not to tell you!! And a treat once in a while is not gonna kill your kids, believe me on this, once they're old enough to go out on their own, they nip down the local shop and buy themselves 6 crunchies to scoff at one sitting. What are you going to do then? Personally, I think all this control freakery around childrens food is a bit sinister. As long as they have a balanced diet most of the time, I can't really see the problem with one biscuit before tea once a chuffing week!!

agnesnitt · 02/05/2007 20:21

rantinghousewife, don't believe that for a second. My mother had to deal with her own mother mother, who was an absolute cow when mum was bringing up my brother and I. A mother who decided that her own child was unfit to be a mother and tried to have my brother and I legally removed from her care because my mum refused to do things the way she thought they should be done. As I said, there's a great deal of respect between my mum and I. They know my limits, and they respect them. If they wish to do something they are unsure of, they ask me and I give them an honest answer. Just because the rest of the world is of the opinion that grandparents have 'rights' doesn't mean I am. They have no rights, just family. Same as I have no right to expect them to care for my child. They sometimes babysit, but that's as far as it goes because there is no need for them to do any more for us.

Is it really so hard for people to accept? We are parents, while our children are under the age of sixteen we are their legal guardians. For the most part, we are the only people who can dictate the rules of life, and for anybody else to take those responsibilities from us is just damned rude.

Agnes

rantinghousewife · 02/05/2007 20:24

Agnes, I take it your children are fairly young. You must so look forward to their teenage years, trust me. Think you may get a teeny shock.

agnesnitt · 02/05/2007 20:24

mother mother?

That will teach me to proofread things >_<

I'm not arguing about biscuits or weetabix here. Just principles. If you as a parent say no, the bloody caregiver/grandparent/woman from tesco should respect your choices or go off and have babies of their own to play with.

Agnes

agnesnitt · 02/05/2007 20:26

No shocks for me.

Trust me, I'm evil [evil]

Agnes

rantinghousewife · 02/05/2007 20:29

Lol, like your chutzpah tho' Agnes, gotta say

empie · 02/05/2007 20:34

YABU. A little bit anyway! They like to do it their way, and it never did any of us any harm did it? She's sort of doing you a favour so I think you need to grin and bear it!

(I have a SIL who follows a certain baby rearing philosophy, so luckily she's already laid down the law with my MIL which means I don't have to )

You could try thanking her and saying, 'I really appreciate you helping me try to give them a healthy diet, it's SO easy to give in to temptation and give them cakes and sweets, I always struggle to get them to eat apples, do you think you could have a go for me?' I always find that a little implying that they are soooo much more experienced than me goes a long way

welliemum · 02/05/2007 20:35

I think children are good at dealing with 2 different systems in 2 different places.

eg dd1 eats things at daycare that we don't have/don't like at home, and she understands that the rules are different there.

If something she eats messes with her eczema, then that's different and we ask them to avoid whatever it is.

fireflyfairy2 · 02/05/2007 20:44

See, there's this thread where Agnes says grandparents have had their turn at parenting, then another thread where a poster argues that grandparents are/should be expected to babysit..

Anyway, I know where you're coming from Mildred as I was like that with my MIL at the beginning. I would have had a huge hissy fit if she so much as dared give my dd anything!! Be it a chocolate button, or even a bit of toast I hated her feeling that she had to feed dd up.

But, now I see her as dd & ds grandmother, who loves to spoil them. The usual things they were given when we visit are ice lollies & those yoghurt covered strawberries. It was me who had the problem, not that fact that MIL wouldn't respect my wishes.

One weetabix won't spoil a balanced diet. Yesterday when we were at MIL she asked if the kids could have crisps. I said yes, dinner was over. She said yes, I was going to give them to them yesterday but I knew you were going home for dinner...

So it works both ways. Give a little, take a little

newgirl · 02/05/2007 20:52

i think it comes down to cash

if grandma is babysitting for love then you/we all need to cut them some slack

if it is a job, then firmer guidelines are more acceptable

if you dont like the childcare, employ a professional

NKF · 02/05/2007 21:02

A Weetabix? Was that the problem? A Weetabix? And things might escalate and beoome something really serious? Like what? Shreddies?

I would give almost anything to have grandparents taking care of my children. I wouldn't egen complain about two Weetabixes.

Blu · 02/05/2007 21:07

Whatever happened to 'it takes a village to raise a child'? other people who love and cherish a child? That other people have wisdom on offer?

I do understand that if something definite is decreed it should perhaps be respected, but why be so untrusting of the common sense of a woman who successfully raised the man you fell in love with?

This grandma hasn't given chocolate...if she is responsible enough to care for your child in your absence, give her a little leeway.

We are so determined, these days, to programme everything in our children's lives, rather than letting them experience life as it crops up.

Rachmumoftwo · 02/05/2007 21:08

Poor Grandma. She looks after the baby so you can work and this is how grateful you are. It was a Weetabix for Gods sake- get over it!

Aloha · 02/05/2007 21:14

You sound like one of those kids who demand 'respect' from everyone while giving none. Despite this kind, loving woman looking after your children for nothing, which is a huge favour and one you should be on your knees with gratitude for, you offer her no respect whatsoever, for her kindness, her love, her bringing up your husband, your child's father, for her help, for her experience. Instead you whinge about her giving your child a highly nutritious food. I despair. I feel very sorry for women how only have sons and can never be anything but the despised MIL, who stroppy DIL keeps demanding respect for her hysterical, controlling ways and using the blackmail of contact with grandchildren to enforce it.

NKF · 02/05/2007 21:16

I've decided the orignal post can't be true.

frances5 · 02/05/2007 21:18

My health visitor recommended wheatabix when my son was about 8 months. If you look at the packet there is no salt or sugar. Prehaps advice has changed, but unless you have problems with gluten, I don't understand your objection.

There is nothing worst than spending an entire day with a crying child. You MIL needs to be allowed to use her initative to keep your baby happy. Its not as if she is sticking cereal in the bottle of newborn.

Why don't you ask your health visitor if you are worried? I think wheatabix and fruit is a better start to the day than many so called baby foods.

newgirl · 02/05/2007 21:38

she could try oatibix for a change? my dd2 hoovers up two a day yum yum shes lovely and cuddly xxxx

Flip

1 2 3 4