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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect MIL to feed ds only what I leave out for him?

92 replies

mildredpierce · 02/05/2007 09:44

MIL is looking after ds (8 mo) for a day a week whilst I work, which is great for us all; they enjoy the time spent together & I get peace of mind at work. However, she's always been of the 'I know best' brigade, which mostly isn't an issue, as we have fairly similar views on bringing up kids. I leave food for him so she hasn't got too much to do, but she's always giving him things I don't want him to have - she gave him weetabix the other day with his fruit & porridge. I know it doesn't sound like much but she has no idea what a balanced diet consists of, and I'm worried that one day I'll come home & she'll have fed him chocolate or stuffed him with biscuits before tea. Also, if she can't respect what I want him to eat, will this disregard spread into other areas? So, am I unreasonable to be so bloody annoyed?

OP posts:
suejonez · 02/05/2007 10:28

"am loving the image of a woman handing her child to her mother and running out the door with fingers jammed into her ears and singing LA LA LA" - wanderingtrolley were you following me this morning

munz · 02/05/2007 10:35

yes and no - I totally understand where you're coming from, as in MIL did this with my DS once after i'd given him much the same as you with 9oz of milk, she then gave him 2 buscuits and a bottle of squash (and i'm not talking really well duileted either) anyhow I didn't say anything when I woke up and found out what he'd had as well - ooh and an extra bowl of porridge - which I wasn't as bothered about, anyhow the time for me came when he wouldn't eat his tea - my responce as all new mothers was well if he'd not had such a big breakfast he'd eat this - now he won't want tea won't sleep - I really did feel it was hte end of the world that day.

thing is thou, MIL then took on board that we didn't want DS to be fed anything extra iycwim, and now gives him grapes/dried fruit etc for snacks, and I have relented also and said we don't mind the odd treat as long as he's eaten his fruit/veg first.

so what tyou're feeling is natural, but it's all a learning curve for u as well as MIL, trust me i've learnt how to work things to my advantage, and tbh i'm not fussed if he has ice cream with them - cos I managed to have a 'me' day iycwim. and also it's a treat cos he certainly doesn't have it at home.

WanderingTrolley · 02/05/2007 10:36

I was walking toward you and had to dive out of the way.

You really must open your eyes. You do have a beautiful singing voice though - do you do requests?

Enid · 02/05/2007 10:36

yes you are being unreasonable

but it is forgiven as it is your first baby and he is only 8 months old

I think I was a bit strung out over dd1 at that age

WanderingTrolley · 02/05/2007 10:44

Oh, and I've had the full page of instructions for a baby.

"What to do if he cries"
"How he likes his bottle" including details of how to use my own microwave.
"His favourite songs"

He was 6 months old.
I'd been looking after babies for over 10 years.

"Bless," I thought, and launched into a jolly version of 'Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter' as soon as the door was shut.

OK, that last bit is a lie. Just.

suejonez · 02/05/2007 10:50

Why thank you Wnaderingtrolley, as a matter of fact I do take requests (for a minimal fee)

I think my mum would like to give me instructions for DS - in our "bonding period" before ihs adoption I ran out of nursery rhymes and started on "Four and Twenty Virgins", luckily carers only spoke Russian. {blush]

suejonez · 02/05/2007 10:50

that should of course be ,

Saturn74 · 02/05/2007 10:54

YABU.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 02/05/2007 10:55

I thought weetabix was part of a balanced diet!

Can't see the problem myself, unless she was feeding melted chocolate over the weetabix!

fizzbuzz · 02/05/2007 11:34

My mil fed dd 9months some chocolate at Easter, which I only found out by accident.

TBH I wasn't bothered, one little bit of choccie didn't hurt her. Mil looking after her gives me a huge break! So I'll trade the little one offs, for some peace and space!

agnesnitt · 02/05/2007 11:58

Actually, the grandparent is being unreasonable. Yes, they are doing you a favour, but most of them get as much out of the experience as you do. If they can't respect your wishes then you need to tell them. My parents have never fed my daughter anything that I haven;t given the okay to, but maybe that's because I have parents who actually respect my parenting decisions and aren't selfish enough to deny me the right to treat my child as and when I wish to.

Do not let grandparents push you about, they've had their turn at parenting, you now have to have your turn.

Agnes

LIZS · 02/05/2007 12:01

agnes, there is a huge leap from offering a bit of weetabix in addition to what the OP had left for breakfast to disrespecting her right as a parent.

beckybrastraps · 02/05/2007 12:56

I agree with the general gist of the thread. IMO, the grandparent-grandchild relationship is totally different to childminder-mindee. Difficult I guess to get the balance when they are regularly looking after the child.

TheArmadillo · 02/05/2007 13:04

They are doing you a fvour and you have to pick your battles.

So doing something that puts child's life a t risk (not using car seat or similar) = someting to be dealt with.

Giving him a weetabix, bury your head in the sand and pretend you don't know.

NOt everyone will look after your child in exactly the same way as you do no matter how hard you try.

They benefit from this more than the disadvantages.

MaloryTowers · 02/05/2007 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ginnedupmummy · 02/05/2007 13:33

Message withdrawn

FiveFingeredFiend · 02/05/2007 13:34

Yes.

agnesnitt · 02/05/2007 14:03

LIZS, I don't think so. When push comes to shove, I am the parent and I will not allow somebody else to dictate how my child is brought up. It's not unreasonable, it's just about respect. I respect that my parents love my daughter and wish to treat her, but I also expect them to respect the fact that some things are out of bounds

I don't see why so many people are happy to let their parents and parents-in-law to ride roughshod over their wishes. If you put your foot down at the start there is no need to 'pick your battles' as the boundaries will already be set and nobody need get all antsy because there should be no complications.

Agnes

suejonez · 02/05/2007 14:09

I agree that I expect my mum to accept that some things are out of bounds...

using a car seat
giving him nutricious meals
making sure he naps enough
not letting him do anything dangerous

However I have not given her a prescriptive list of items he can and can't eat, things that he can and can't do. I trust her not to anything too ridiculous (after all she raise me and I survived to adulthood). If I want to dictate precise details then I would pay a childminder to do exactly what I say (in fact I don't dictate to my childminder either but then, I trust her too).

Agnes if your mother is prepared for you to give her a prescription and she is prepared to follow it then good for you. (Are you sure she follows it )

LIZS · 02/05/2007 14:28

So if , for the sake of argument(bearing in midn we don;t kwno the circumstances) , the op's baby ds had had the fruit and porridge she 'd left but was obviously still hungry , perhaps unsettled and crying,in your scenario, would it not be permissable for anything else to be offered without it disrespecting your wishes ? You'd rather your baby went hungry ?

oranges · 02/05/2007 14:30

agnessnitt, I think if you feel that way, you have to be willing to look after your child all the time, or pay someone to look after them, thereby giving you the right to tell them what to feed your child. If someone is doing you a favour, you have to have the grace to accept that they may do things their way, and in this case, no actual harm is being done.

beckybrastraps · 02/05/2007 14:38

Gordon Bennet Agnes. The odd sneaky weetabix, or worse, biscuit , is not going to influence your child's upbringing.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 14:43

YABU. Do you like your MIL otherwise, or is this just another reason to dislike her?

lucyellensmum · 02/05/2007 14:58

i understand why you are annoyed but what is so bad about weetabix at eight months? Isn't it good for them to have cereal, im not sure if i remember giving dd at that age but anyway, you could politely mention that you like to keep track of what she eats. And dare i say it, but what is wrong with a bit of chocolate now and again, my mum loves to give dd (20m) chocolate (I might get expelled from MN with comments like that but i clean her teeth, she doesnt have much and doesn't drink fruit squash or fizzy). Its not a big deal really i just like to see my mum having fun with dd, she plays so well with her and my mum really looks forward to it. I too work once a week, for the sake of my sanity so im simply grateful that i can leave dd with my mum who, whilst she might give dd the odd snack that i would necc approve of, will show her more attention and love than any childminder or nursery who i can dictate diet regeimes too. I hate to admit this though, if it were my MIL i'd be spitting teeth! And i like her too, but she is one of those women who think that her generation know best, well OK but she thinks it is acceptable to smoke around young children and babies so i would not allow her to look after dd as i know that as soon as my back turned she would be in a room full of smoke with MIL and SILs all puffing away like chimneys.

agnesnitt · 02/05/2007 16:01

I'm not talking about a weetabix (always think the singular should be a weetabic, it sounds odd!) I'm talking about a principle. If the grandparent was aware that the food was a no go she should have left well alone. What would have been wrong with more fruit and/or porridge?

When I have looked after other people's kids I have followed their wishes to the letter. They have with mine too. It's just about being polite.

Agnes