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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD?

62 replies

AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 15/02/2018 14:45

DS(10) has two activities that he goes to. Let's call them A and B.

  • He loves A but he's not the best at it.
  • He is extremely talented at B but doesn't love it as much, although he enjoys it, just not as much.
  • He started both at the same time last year, both on his request.
  • Both activities will need him to practice more and more over the years, so at one point he will probably have to choose one over the other (but not yet, time is easily manageable at the moment).

Now he says he wants to drop B. I think it's because he's reached a higher level now and he needs to put in more time to practice, and he can't be bothered.

I don't want him to quit - I feel it would be a shame, a talent wasted and also I'd like him to give it a bit more time, he's too young/it's too early to make this choice (and keeping in mind he's better at B than A). But I don't want to force him either.

Any tips on how to convince a stubborn 10 year old? I appreciate it's important that he does what he likes, and I have had a chat with him telling him all of the above (minus the fact that he's better at B). He still insists that he wants to quit B. WWYD? Would you just let him quit (and take the chance that he might regret it later, and it would be too late then?)

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 15/02/2018 14:49

I've got Adult children, I think its better to let him quit, otherwise he will cone to hate what you make him do and will never return to it.

Sport should be about finding out what you love, so you realise that exercise/ healthy hobbies are worth pursuing.

meredintofpandiculation · 15/02/2018 14:50

Is he talented enough at B for it to be a possible career? (Be realistic - most careers founded on "talent" as opposed to "knowledge" are extremely competitive).

If not, then it's a pastime, and the prime requirement of a pastime is that it should be enjoyable.

You could say "If you feel the same at the end of the academic year, you can give it up". Then you know it's a definite feeling and not just because he had a spat with his tutor/coach last week.

Pengggwn · 15/02/2018 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floralnomad · 15/02/2018 14:51

Let him quit , if he regrets it later he can always take it up again .

araiwa · 15/02/2018 14:52

Let him choose obviously

SweetMoon · 15/02/2018 14:58

I quit something when I was in my early teens that I did later regret, still do actually as I was talented at it and wish my parents had been a bit more pushy. They were very much, do what you like, sorts.

So based on this if the same scenario was to arise with my ds I would probably encourage him to give it another 2 months and then see if he still feels the same way, and if so he can quit then. I'd probably explain about my regret and that I'd want him to be 100% sure before fully giving it up.

If after that time he still wants to quit, then I'd accept his choice and leave it at that.

Original poster
AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 15/02/2018 14:59

According to his tutor he is talented enough for B to become a career.

You could say "If you feel the same at the end of the academic year, you can give it up" I have done this, but he doesn't seem very eager. Maybe I could push for this option, and put up with his constantoccasional moaning.

Pengggwn
He's been saying he wants to quit for the last two weeks.

It's my major worry that he might end up hating it if I force him, so I might just have to let him quit :(

OP posts:
SoozC · 15/02/2018 15:00

I was the same aged 10; two hobbies, lived one but had a natural talent for the other (but I didn't realise, my mum didn't tell me at the time that my instructor said this about me). I had to give up one so I choose to do the one I liked best.

Boy did I regret it later! I'm not the right build for the hobby so it was never going to progress far for me. But the one I was naturally good at? I could have done it nationally or further.

I've since tried to pick the forgotten hobby up but 25 years on I can't see it as more than a hobby, now I'm working etc. But it could have been my living.

Does your son know he is talented at B? Does he know what his coaches or instructors say? In the end, it's his decision, but as long as he has all the facts. Had I known then, I may well have chosen the second hobby and had a very different life.

Original poster
AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 15/02/2018 15:01

SweetMoon
I have had similar in my teens, I quit piano and now I wish my parents had encouraged me to continue. I still play but never took it up again properly and I regret it. Maybe this is why it's hard to let DS just quit.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 15/02/2018 15:04

Sooz
Yes his tutor has told him, and I have passed on the feedback too.

After the replies here I think I'll push for the option to give it a bit more time and then see how he feels.

OP posts:
AethelflaedofMercia · 15/02/2018 15:04

Sport should be about finding out what you love,

OP doesn't say that it's sport. It could be drama or music or dance, for example. Dance would be difficult to pick up again and reach the same level.

Trinity66 · 15/02/2018 15:09

That's a tough one, at 10 he probably won't care how talented he is at B anyway if he's not enjoying it. If you force him he may even start to hate it more. I'm not sure what you should do really.

FirstMumToBe · 15/02/2018 15:10

I am so torn, when I was younger my mum and dad allowed me to drop out of activities I loved and was extremely good at because I got bored after a while ... Don't know whether you can just try and ride it out, or do something like a competition or something to boost his confidence in his ability which might make him enjoy it more!!!

thecatsthecats · 15/02/2018 15:15

I would encourage him to remain an additional month at B, but to be honest, just let him drop it if he persists.

If he loves A, he has an intrinsic motivation for it, and it's very useful to know the difference for all areas of his life. Dedicating yourself to something you enjoy but don't have a natural talent for is far more valuable than doing something you're less interested in for praise or profit.

Pengggwn · 15/02/2018 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 15/02/2018 15:22

I have just told him let's give it another 2 months, and then if he still feels the same way he'll know for sure that he wants to quit, and I won't insist after that. He's sulking "thinking about it".

Dedicating yourself to something you enjoy but don't have a natural talent for is far more valuable than doing something you're less interested in for praise or profit
Yes, I agree with that. But I'm not asking that he makes a career choice, I just think at 10 he might not really see the whole picture yet and I don't want him to give up on something he can't just pick up and continue on the same level later.

OP posts:
mumpoints · 15/02/2018 15:24

Is it something he could stop but then do occasionally as a hobby or holiday activity? He may go back to it.

If it is something like an instrument, just leave it in his room, no pressure. He may pick it up and enjoy it again.

OutyMcOutface · 15/02/2018 15:29

It depends on the activity. Would you actually want him to make a career out of activity B? He clearly doesn't enjoy it so unless it pays well (or he is too academically challenged to have other career options open to him which is unlikely) I don't see the point of forcing him to do it just because he is good at it. It's not like he is a progidy.

usualGubbins · 15/02/2018 15:34

I had total the opposite experience from you OP. I did an activity from the age of 5, encourage by my parents. I was quite good, but by the time I was about 11 I'd had enough. But I was a shy child, and carried on in an effort to please my parents. From then on I resented the activity, and that has carried on into adulthood, and for many years resented having to spend so much time on it.

If he wants to give up, let him. He may well take it up again, but let it be his choice rather than putting pressure on him because you want him to do it.

AlbertaSimmons · 15/02/2018 15:36

My DH's friend is mad about horse-riding. She spends loads of time and money on it, has her whole family including her seriously ill father roped into it and isn't very good at it - as in after doing it for 20 odd years is still pretty novice-y.
She's very very very good at cycling. So good that she was scouted by national coaches and approached with a view to becoming a professional, and aiming for the Olympics, no BS.
She stuck with the horses...

Original poster
AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 15/02/2018 15:36

Is it something he could stop but then do occasionally as a hobby or holiday activity?
Yes he could. But he couldn't do it professionally if he quits now (unless he goes back to it soon after)

I'm not saying he's a prodigy lol just that I would like him to keep his options open.

Anyway, we're going to give it another 2 months and if he still feels he doesn't like it, I'll let him quit without objections on my part.

do something like a competition or something to boost his confidence in his ability which might make him enjoy it more!!!
I'm going to try to do something like this, thanks!!

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 15/02/2018 15:36

I'm wondering if A is a team sport and B is playing a musical instrument.

If so, there a lot more to a sport than being very good at it. The social aspect, being a member of the team.

Playing an instrument is solitary and there a pressure when it's just you and the tutor in the room.

Is that what it could be about?

What ever B is he could take it up again.

blackteasplease · 15/02/2018 15:53

It would help to know what they are!

Ohyesiam · 15/02/2018 15:58

Friends on what it is. If it's a musical instrument I think It's work pushing, as you can never get an older brain to learn music like a young one can ( according to my d uncle who is a music tutor at Wells Cathedral School ).

BarbarianMum · 15/02/2018 16:02

Enjoying something is more important than having natural talent - its the enjoyment that gets you through the hours of practise/training. No matter how big your talent, you need to put in those hours.