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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD?

62 replies

AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 15/02/2018 14:45

DS(10) has two activities that he goes to. Let's call them A and B.

  • He loves A but he's not the best at it.
  • He is extremely talented at B but doesn't love it as much, although he enjoys it, just not as much.
  • He started both at the same time last year, both on his request.
  • Both activities will need him to practice more and more over the years, so at one point he will probably have to choose one over the other (but not yet, time is easily manageable at the moment).

Now he says he wants to drop B. I think it's because he's reached a higher level now and he needs to put in more time to practice, and he can't be bothered.

I don't want him to quit - I feel it would be a shame, a talent wasted and also I'd like him to give it a bit more time, he's too young/it's too early to make this choice (and keeping in mind he's better at B than A). But I don't want to force him either.

Any tips on how to convince a stubborn 10 year old? I appreciate it's important that he does what he likes, and I have had a chat with him telling him all of the above (minus the fact that he's better at B). He still insists that he wants to quit B. WWYD? Would you just let him quit (and take the chance that he might regret it later, and it would be too late then?)

OP posts:
deegee90 · 15/02/2018 16:09

Let him quit against your advice. You've told him your thoughts. He may suddenly excel at A.

Piffle11 · 15/02/2018 16:20

The thing is, is he really going to want to do B as a career if he's not enjoying it? Going into something half hearted isn't the best thing to do, either. Work is such a huge part of life, and enjoying it makes life so much more enjoyable. My ex was apparently a very talented sportsman when he was in his early teens: he played at national level and although he enjoyed it, he said it was never going to be a career as he couldn't really be bothered to practise - he said the fun had gone for him and although he was happy to play with friends or for local amateur sides, he didn't want to pursue it. His family was furious! I think with a lot of careers like that - sport, music, etc - no matter how much natural ability you have, you need to have the desire to push forward. If he no longer has that desire then it may be difficult persuading him.

Original poster
AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 15/02/2018 19:13

Sorry, I put A and B thinking it might help me be more objective, nothing secretive about it.
A is football and B is violin.

Fruitbrew you must be a detective lol
I know he gets a different pleasure from each, but I want him to take the time to decide which one is best for him. I will not be pushing him to make a career of either in any way, just to give it a bit more time before making a choice.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 15/02/2018 19:27

OK so he doesn't want to be a professional musician and probably won't be a professional footballer. So what? There are lots of other careers put there.

Neolara · 15/02/2018 19:34

If he's only been saying he wants to quit in the last two weeks, there is no way I'd let him drop it. Kids say stuff like that all the time.. And the next week they change their mind. I totally agree that the point of a past time is that its enjoyable. However, when learning most skills some bits are enjoyable and some bits are hard and require a bit of effort.. Don't let him give up something he is good at and does enjoy just because he's got to the stage where it may be hard.

Original poster
AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 15/02/2018 19:38

BarbarianMum but that's exactly my point, that he doesn't know YET which one he wants to eventually continue so he shouldn't drop one now. That's how I see it and my WWYD was just to get other mums' perspective.
I'm not saying it's the end of the world if he chooses neither. But I can't say it's ok for him to stop studying maths if he says, at 10, that he doesn't like doing maths, can I? Surely everyone then would say that's not a very clever move. So for me, football and violin are equally important to keep in his life for his future choices.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 15/02/2018 19:42

But the chances are he will do neither. He's 10 years old, they're hobbies not an apprenticeship.

Original poster
AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 15/02/2018 19:43

when learning most skills some bits are enjoyable and some bits are hard and require a bit of effort
Yes, exactly.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 15/02/2018 19:44

they're hobbies not an apprenticeship
Yes they are hobbies now, but they might become more than that later on in his life. The issue is that quitting now would eliminate the chances of one of them becoming more than a hobby.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 15/02/2018 19:46

Yes it might. But that's OK. Because there are lots of other things he can do.

saoirse31 · 15/02/2018 19:50

Think your way over thinking this to be honest. He's ten, tell him he has to finish out term and then let him decide. Sometimes you have to respect your children s choices....esp on their hobbies.

CoalitionOfChaos · 15/02/2018 19:51

Football v violin - no brainer.
Please let him do football, he's a child, let him enjoy himself.

BrownTurkey · 15/02/2018 19:57

But how would you feel if your parents HADN’T let you give up your instrument?

Honestly, we need to stop living our lives through our kids, its too much pressure. Of course its great to imagine our kids learning and achieving, because this is how they develop and become happy, because their parents think they are amazing at everything they do, but they become happy as a bank employee in Woking with a hilarious wife and 2 children, not as Ronaldo or a a violin virtuoso, in the end...

BrieAndChilli · 15/02/2018 19:58

To be honest, even if he’s very good at violin, unless he has an absolute passion for it he’s very unlikely to turn it into a career!
I agree to keep him at it for a while longer but if he doesn’t enjoy it I’d let him do the football.

BrieAndChilli · 15/02/2018 19:59

Many many more men have football as a hobby than violin!

FluffyWuffy100 · 15/02/2018 20:03

Football and violin and soooo different I would push him to carry on for a bit longer. Or find another instrument he likes?

It’s lovely being able to play in a band or Orchestra.
.

lecossaise · 15/02/2018 20:05

I play(ed) the violin (definitely NOT as a career) and I nearly quit age 11 or so, because my parents and teacher were pushing me to do the exams and I HATED the music I had to play over and over and over again. We came to a compromise and I only played folk music (and occasional jazz, essentially everything except classical) from then on, never did do a single Grade. My point is I wonder if you could take the pressure off and make it fun that he keeps it up, even if he only plays a couple of hours a week, and then in the future if he does have natural talent he might change his mind and focus on that?

Allthebestnamesareused · 15/02/2018 20:06

You say that at some point he will need to drop one - why is that?

I know plenty of academic kids who complete in high level or low level sport and play an instrument (and Re in more than one bans e.g.. orchestra, jazz band, quartet etc) - some high level at both.

I would definitely say if he feels the same at the end of the school year then yes.

Do you know what type of school he is likely to go to at secondary level? E.g.. independent think misic scholarships

ModreB · 15/02/2018 20:06

DS1 was the same. He was good at A, gifted at B, but preferred A. He did A to national level, could have done B to International level but left when it disrupted A at 13yo.

When he was 17, decided to do unrelated C as a career, and now excells at that more than 10 years later.

Let him do what he enjoys, not what you think he should do.

grannytomine · 15/02/2018 20:11

It is hard. One of my kids was talented at music, passed grade 1 at 4, grade 1 theory at 4 and got 100%. Had times when they wanted to give up but we encouraged them to continue. Decided to "take a break" due to A levels and part time job. Has never played a note since, still has the instrument and happy memories. I regret the money we spent if I am honest, lessons, books, better instrument after grade 5, exams, competitions. I hate to think what we spent, I know it isn't all about money but it just seems such a waste.

Maybe think about that? It isn't always a great career, a friend played violin with a well known orchestra and to be honest it was difficult with children, travel, performing at night etc and she wasn't paid that well, according to her but I took her word for it. She gave up and retrained for something totally different.

Obviously you get the stars who make a fortune but they are rare.

It is hard when you are told how good they are and I know it is hard to know what to do. Have you thought about letting him have a break and then when he gets to senior school, this year or next year?, he will be able to play in the orchestra and might find it more fun?

Good luck whatever you decide.

Mischa123 · 15/02/2018 20:32

I have a similar thing. My 8 year old is good at gymnastics and quite a natural so could be good at it as a hobby, at dance however she has the potential to make a career of sorts. We are currently in discussions as to whether to cut hours at gym to increase hours at dance. She is a little torn but I think will move to more dance.

Original poster
AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 15/02/2018 22:22

Ok, having read all the comments + chat with DH + some more thinking (A pp said I'm overthinking this, I tend to do that but oh well this is who I am), the decision has been made - and agreed upon by all parties - that DS will continue violin for another 2 months and then if he still feels that he wants to quit, he will.
And I'm going to find some fun popular tunes for him to learn and play, I think classical music is sometimes boring for children this age, so that might help too, thank you.

OP posts:
Pinkprincess1978 · 16/02/2018 07:11

Two weeks isn't a long time. My son
is the same about cubs. He often asks to stop a few weeks into the new term but as we pay termly I tell him he needs to see out the term then can quit. By that time he loves it again so stays. He is due to move up to scouts next term so when he said he wanted to stop two weeks ago I said the same, wait till end of term then you can stop. He has already changed his mind and wants to continue to scouts again 🤨

Original poster
AnyUsernameWillDo75 · 16/02/2018 10:40

Oh PinkPrincess you just gave me a great idea, thank you. I pay per session but I can tell DS I've paid for this term so he needs to see it through :)

OP posts:
5plusMeAndHim · 16/02/2018 10:58

The teacher is very irresponsible to say , only a few months in, that he will be good enough to be professional.he is most likely chasing your bucks!

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