My dying mother wants me to have a baby

[SadOz]

Hello all - apologies for the long post, but I really need your help - I feel like I'm in the middle of an impossible knot.

My mother was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, with a prognosis of around 2 to 4 years - maybe less, maybe more. I am 34, and - although we are close and I love her and I consider her a really great mother - ever since I turned 26 (the age my mother had me) she has been pressuring me to have a baby, saying things like: 'If you don't have children, what will my life have been for?' And since being diagnosed, she has upped the pressure. I have two younger siblings, but neither of them are in long term relationships and my mother doesn't pressure them in the same way.

The main problem is that my partner of 12 years doesn't want and has never wanted children. Although I always imagined myself with children, when we met in our early 20s it didn't seem important and I hoped, although didn't expect, for him to change his mind. I assumed I would at some point get broody, as my other friends had done, and that would force the issue i.e. I would have to make a choice - but the broodiness never kicked in.

Even before my mother's diagnosis, it was something that I worried about constantly - due to my age, I knew I had to make a choice between my partner and my life (which I am worried will be consumed by a child), and having a baby. I had come to a decision that I was going to use the next year to travel and perhaps live in countries I have always wanted to live in, and I would have a baby (with or without my partner).

However, now my mother is ill, the timeline I had laid down has been torn to shreds - and it isn't just for her that I want to have a child while she's alive, it's also for me - I would really value my mother's help.

But I don't want to break up with my partner - although we have our problems like any couple, I can't imagine being with anyone else. In addition, my mother loves him too and would be devastated if we broke up. I also don't know if I would even have time to break up, heal, meet someone I could fall in love with, get pregnant and have a baby in the time my mother has left. He's also not the only obstacle - I'm earn a good salary, but I'm freelance, so no maternity pay, and honestly I don't really feel ready. I also live overseas and I'm not sure whether I should move home now - but my partner can't/won't move due to his work, and my work is also tied to a certain location-specific industry. But I know I'll look back and regret not moving back home and spending more time with my mother.

I'm in an impossible situation - I really just want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and not think about any of it. I feel that I have totally messed up my life and I can't understand how I have let myself end up in this position. All my friends somehow managed to have careers and relationships and children and I feel like a total failure. I have no idea how to work out what I want or what I should do.

Any advice would be very very much appreciated - I feel like it's driving me mad

Thanks so much for reading (have name changed for obvious reasons)

@SadOz ?

It must be so hard as there are multiple things to consider?

Do you want children?
If your partner won't change on this would you choose him or children?
Regardless of the children issue do you want to come home to spend time with your mother?

I honestly don't know what to suggest other than think 10 or 20 years down the line looking back and try to work out which you would regret most? You can delay the baby, even if mum is upset about it, but you won't be able to get the time with your mother back, I say that as someone who does look back nearly 20 years and wish I had more time with my mother, I thought I had time but from diagnosis to death was a few weeks and a shock to everyone.

You're caught between what your DM wants (a grandchild and, I presume, for you to move back in the UK so she can play grandma with whatever time she has left), and your DP (who doesn't want a DC or to move back to the UK). And when your DM is gone you may then be left with a DC you had because she wanted it, no career and no DP in a country you only moved back to because your DM wanted it.

Please try to discount what everyone else wants and focus on deciding what YOU want. Your DM has made her choices in life (to have three DC), and it's now your turn to decide what you want. Don't have a DC because she wants you to - I realise it's tempting to fulfil her dying wish - but you are going to be raising that DC for at least 18 years, most of them without her being around, so it's essential that you actually want a DC. Don't rush this decision. Explore it fully with your therapist, maybe go away for a bit on your own to see how you feel about life without your DP in it, and by all means share your dilemma with him. Tell him how you're feeling really conflicted about all these decisions you feel pressured into making right now. See how he reacts. If he withdraws or tries to push you one way or another then you'll see where his loyalties lie.

I don't envy you these hard choices, but remember that they are choices and they're yours to make - not anyone else's.

Yep, life as you know it may well get a big upheaval - but hopefully for the better. The more positive outlook you can have about pain before gain etc, the better.

Good luck. Hope it all works out and sorry to hear about your mother.

Taking the situation with your DM out of the picture for the moment and focussing just on the question of whether you want a child or not.
People have given you excellent advice on visualising your future with or without kids but of course you still have to decide for yourself.
My situation was the opposite of yours in some ways -- my DH most definitely wanted children while I was ambivalent to say the least (had a great career and loved my life) but we agreed when we married we would try to have a family one day. I was still very uncertain when I conceived (tempus fugit and all that so I did decide, in one way) but had the baby and fell in love. Everyone is different, of course.
I think whatever you decide it's important to also consider whether or not you may regret your decision.
I'm very sorry about your DM.

My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer when ds1 was a couple of weeks old and died just after ds first birthday. It was hellish trying to care for them both. DF became increasingly disinterested in the baby as he became more ill. And DS1 has no memory of his grandfather anyway.
Have a baby if/when you want a baby. You can’t do it to make your mother happy.

@JustVent that did cross my mind but then she said she name changed which would make sense.

i can't add much to the mazing things that have already been said except to say in my circle of friends, most of whom are late 40s, early 50s, the vast majority did not have children ( i have one grown up child). One person would have liked a child but when it didn't happen came to terms with it and has a very happy fulfilling life . No one else wanted kids, they have full happy lives , they are not missing out so much as having followed another path. The one person in this group who did have a child really messed up badly as they shouldn't have had one unless they prepared to do some parenting (which they weren't) .

if you aren't feeling broody then don't suppose you will regret not having one.

My dying father wanted me to be married, settled with children. I lived alone in central London with no regular bf and was very happy like that.

He also wanted to see what smoking dope was like but none of us knew anyone who had any or where to get it, so he missed out on that too.

I was sorry I couldn't oblige him, but I couldn't. I didn't want children, I didn't want to be married. In the end, it was a toss-up between doing what he wanted and doing what I wanted. It was my life. I would have to live with whatever I did for the rest of it, so what I wanted was what happened. Poor dad.

Though I have to say I didn't regret my decision for one moment. Actually, I barely took his desire for me to provide a grandchild seriously, as it was obvious to everyone who knew me (including him) that I was most unsuitable parent material!

Please don’t be bullied into having a baby if that’s not what you and your dp want.

You say you have siblings, so the possibility of your mum having no gc is slim, but she can not be allowed to dictate the rest of your life just because she is dying. I know this will sound harsh, but we are all going to die some day, that doesn’t give anyone else the right to tell others how to live, especially not such a huge decision as having children.

What your mum is doing is emotional blackmail and you must tell her that you haven’t planned to have any children with your dp as he doesn’t want them. Her wishes do not trump the wishes of your dp.

you really need to decide whether you want a child or not - regardless of your partner or your mother and go from there. If you do, chat to your partner about it and make a decision. He may have actually changed his mind. My sister didn't want children to the point she had her tubes tied - and told her boyfriend that before they got serious. He did want children but decided he wanted to be with her more....she changed her mind and had IVF and now they have a son they adore.
Speak to your partner. He's the best person to guide you as he knows you better than us.

So so sorry about your mother.

Don't have a child out of guilt, it isn't fair

Sorry about your Mum.

Super weird that this is in the guardian. I hope op sent it in, rather than them stealing the story.

You definitely should not have a baby to please your mother.

She is being very selfish inflicting so much pressure on you.

Do what makes you happy. And if that means travelling and enjoying the world and being with the love of your life... is that enough for YOU or not?

Sorry to hear about your mum. Enjoy your time with her x

I also don't know if I would even have time to break up, heal, meet someone I could fall in love with, get pregnant and have a baby in the time my mother has left.

This. ^^

I really think that you need to take your mother out of this equation. You have some pretty big decisions to make, but they need to be made on a bit of a selfish basis.

Good luck.

Yes, I have just put today's copy of the Grauniad down and come on here to comment at the uncanny co-incidence. The paper, presumably, went to bed before 1am this morning?

Care to enlighten OP?

How strange almost the identical problem in the Guardian magazine today

"Super weird that this is in the guardian. I hope op sent it in, rather than them stealing the story."

I actually emailed a personal problem to Annalisa Barbieri after a couple of drinks one time - I changed my mind as soon as I sobered up but not before Annalisa emailed me back asking me to confirm that I consented to publication and that my problem hadn't previously been featured in another publication. So, whilst I'm generally cynical about journalists, I'd be surprised if that particular column was stealing from other websites, given that they had checks and balances even for voluntarily submitted reader problems.

(I'd also asked for advice on the same issue on a couple of other sites, including Mumsnet under another user name, because I was desperate and just wanted to talk to someone, anyone, asap. So I imagine the OP was most likely hedging her bets like I was by seeking advice through more than one channel?)

ThisWayThatWayForwards has it right - I sent in the problem around the same time I posted here. I need all the help I can get!

I actually forgot I'd sent it in and hadn't been checking for it - thanks for the heads-up

takes deep breath, heads to the Guardian website...

I never wanted children. My mam would have lved to be a grandma. When I met DH he wanted them and knew I didn't. It took me 5 years to change me mind - for him not me because I knew how much he wanted to be a dad. A month after we decided my mam died. I had DS 11 months later and DD 2 1/2 years after that. I so wish my mam and dad knew and had met them. They would have lved them to bits. I feel like I let them down. I am an only child so it would have had to be me, thete was no one else to do it.
I love DS and DD and wouldn't be without them now. 🙂

LuluJakey1 that's really though, I'm sorry you went through that - you didn't let them down, they got to enjoy having their own child - you - after all!

As for the advice from the Guardian column, I didn't think it was very helpful. There was some advice in the comments section that struck home though - that I'm trying to use my mother's illness to make up my mind and I'm avoiding having to make my own decision, which I think it probably true.

Everyone's advice here was great - I took the 'see a couple's therapist' advice and we started last week - the baby issue at the top of the agenda. I still feel lost, but I'm panicking now about the clock ticking, which on one had is paralyzing and on the other motivating - if that makes any sense at all!

Really appreciate everyone's advice though

I am so, so sorry OP. This is a devastating situation for you.

I don't think you have remotely messed up your life. You have a good job, a loving partner, and the ability to travel and move abroad. These are all fantastic successes you should be proud of.

You don't owe grandchildren to your mother. I don't mean to sound harsh because I know she is in a frightening place, but she is the one who is in the wrong for pressuring you. The only thing that should influence your decision is what you want and what would make you happy.

If you break up with your partner and give up the parts of your life you now love for the sake of a child that your mother would perhaps only know for months, you will still have to live with the consequences of that forever.

It sounds like you had made a really sensible plan for deciding what to do about children. You might not be able to stick to that completely now that you know your mother is ill, but you should stick to the fact that this is your decision only.

If your mother keeps pressuring you you will just have to very gently tell her over and over that it's your choice, and this isn't the time to make it.

I'm so sorry for you OP