My dying mother wants me to have a baby

[SadOz]

Hello all - apologies for the long post, but I really need your help - I feel like I'm in the middle of an impossible knot.

My mother was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, with a prognosis of around 2 to 4 years - maybe less, maybe more. I am 34, and - although we are close and I love her and I consider her a really great mother - ever since I turned 26 (the age my mother had me) she has been pressuring me to have a baby, saying things like: 'If you don't have children, what will my life have been for?' And since being diagnosed, she has upped the pressure. I have two younger siblings, but neither of them are in long term relationships and my mother doesn't pressure them in the same way.

The main problem is that my partner of 12 years doesn't want and has never wanted children. Although I always imagined myself with children, when we met in our early 20s it didn't seem important and I hoped, although didn't expect, for him to change his mind. I assumed I would at some point get broody, as my other friends had done, and that would force the issue i.e. I would have to make a choice - but the broodiness never kicked in.

Even before my mother's diagnosis, it was something that I worried about constantly - due to my age, I knew I had to make a choice between my partner and my life (which I am worried will be consumed by a child), and having a baby. I had come to a decision that I was going to use the next year to travel and perhaps live in countries I have always wanted to live in, and I would have a baby (with or without my partner).

However, now my mother is ill, the timeline I had laid down has been torn to shreds - and it isn't just for her that I want to have a child while she's alive, it's also for me - I would really value my mother's help.

But I don't want to break up with my partner - although we have our problems like any couple, I can't imagine being with anyone else. In addition, my mother loves him too and would be devastated if we broke up. I also don't know if I would even have time to break up, heal, meet someone I could fall in love with, get pregnant and have a baby in the time my mother has left. He's also not the only obstacle - I'm earn a good salary, but I'm freelance, so no maternity pay, and honestly I don't really feel ready. I also live overseas and I'm not sure whether I should move home now - but my partner can't/won't move due to his work, and my work is also tied to a certain location-specific industry. But I know I'll look back and regret not moving back home and spending more time with my mother.

I'm in an impossible situation - I really just want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and not think about any of it. I feel that I have totally messed up my life and I can't understand how I have let myself end up in this position. All my friends somehow managed to have careers and relationships and children and I feel like a total failure. I have no idea how to work out what I want or what I should do.

Any advice would be very very much appreciated - I feel like it's driving me mad

Thanks so much for reading (have name changed for obvious reasons)

Of course you shouldn’t have a baby to please your mother whether she is dying or not. I do think death focuses the mind on the next generation though, for both the dying and those who are left behind. Losing a parent shuffles you along the conveyor belt so you are next line to drop off - looking back and seeing no one coming up behind you can be very sobering. I think I’ve expressed it rather clumsily, but what I’m trying to say is that I’m not at all surprised to hear you are grappling with this dilemma and neither should you be. Your mum’s diagnosis has brought a lot of aspects in your life into sharp focus. At 34 it is also starting to be crunch time in terms of whether you settle for a childless future with your partner or make a break to give yourself time to meet someone else. In your shoes I think I would go home and spend some time with my mum and talk to her honestly about the dilemma you face. Take some time away from your partner to think about what you want from your life while you still have time to make changes. I would also talk to your partner about how you are feeling and about how your mum’s imminent death has made you begin to re-evaluate your life. Be honest about what you want - is it possible that your mum’s demand is forcing you to face up to something you know you want anyway? Can you imagine yourself at your mum’s age and in your mum’s position with no kids? People always think about babies when they think of having kids, but the baby bit is such a tiny window in the grand scheme of things. Your children are part of your life forever - as adults for much longer than they are children for most people. At 34 you still have time, but it sounds as if it is your partner not your Mum who is the problem - even if she is the one who has brought it to the forefront. for you - a diagnosis like this for a loved parent is your worst nightmare when you live abroad.

You really are in an impossible situation - caught between two people and their needs/wants.

Does your mum have access to counselling? I can understand why she's struggling with it all - it must be horrendous to face and I expect she is searching for a point to "it" all. But if someone can get through to her and remind her that her life is so much more than grandchildren it might mean she takes the pressure off you.

The time you have together now is what is important.

I can see though that all of this is leading you to question your current relationship and maybe that will be a good thing in the long run as you need to make active choices about what is best for you.

I'm sorry your dm has been given this diagnosis, but how would you feel if your mother died suddenly?.....both my dm and df died without warning and df never saw me graduate, marry or see my dcs
Ultimately you must live your own life and not do what others want, I know it's corny, but you only have one life and from working with cancer patients, living in the moment is essential....spend time with your mum and reevaluate your life

So sorry about your mum.

I didn't really want children. There was a small feeling deep inside that I thought could be the yearning for kids, but I suppressed it as my partner didn't want children. I then accidentally fell pregnant, about a month after moving jobs, so right at the wrong time (for me). I then miscarried, and then came a rollercoaster of emotions. I did want kids. So we talked and sorted it out, and I eventually got pregnant 2 years later - I was 38. Not everyone gets broody before, so don't worry.

My mum was then diagnosed with a terminal illness when I was 6months pregnant. It was awful. She lasted till my child was 2, and passed away a few weeks after his birthday party (held in the hospice). Before she died she kept asking me to have another child. I wasn't ready with so much trauma to deal with (other stuff going on as well, so not a great time.) Anyway, she used to beg me to make sure I had another - we haven't as it isn't right for us, even though that made her a bit sad.

As for children in your life, like other posters have said, my life honestly feels much more complete. I feel like I have a purpose, and I can't imagine life without my naughty, cheeky, funny, incredible mini me. He created a stability for me after my mum had passed, a reason to keep going and without him it would have been a lot more difficult.

Just keep saying to your mum that you probably will have children, but you're not ready yet. You have to have them when YOU and your partner are ready. Conceiving also took nearly a year for me so factor that in. You can't be pressured by anyone else. Its YOUR decision. But be aware, for me it was the best thing Ive ever done in my life, even when he drives me mad!!!

Good luck!

really
Absolutely. Its the "Gotta do it now - I might be dead by Friday " mindset that affects most cancer sufferers by what I've seen.
Instead if a calm oh wouldn't it be lovely if....it turns to for goodness sake do it now!

You’ve been given some excellent advice here OP. Indeed one of the best of the serious threads on here: no bun fights and views from all perspectives. Just one final point about your therapist. Not sure what orientation they come from but may not be best for you at the moment. If they are strictly Freudian, they will be v hands off and not try and help you shape what the issue is and what you’re thoughts are about it. That’s fine if you’ve got five years to do this but not great in your situation. If they’re very CBT they are great for helping you to regulate your emotions and break unhelpful thought patterns but not necessarily great to help you resolve life decisions. You may wish to find someone who is more relational, ie helps you to work out how you manage other people’s needs, get your own needs met etc or existential, how you deal with big life questions and discover who you are, or ideally someone who combines the two. Good luck OP

Re Freudian, and leave you to work this out yourself

I am sorry you are going through these things.

There has been a lot of good advice on this thread, humour me while I add my own take on it. As a general principle, if someone is pressuring you to do something, don't do it. Stop, take a step back, ignore them and take whatever time you need in order to work out what you want for yourself.

If your mother continues to try to pressure you, just change the subject, or smile and nod. Don't engage on that topic. Be happy to talk about anything else, or let her rant for a limited period of time, then go. All the very best.

Sorry to hear about your mum. My mum
Passed away when I was just engaged to dh so missed being a grandma by a few years. She did used to pressure me a bit to get married (before she was ill), I do regret leaving it later than I could have, but the decision wasn’t just mine to make, it was dh’s too and we got engaged when I was ready to have kids as I wanted to be married first.
I think what I’m trying to say is that you need to do what’s right for you and your dh, not what your mum wants. You say you live abroad so she’s not going to see any potential grandchild very much esp if she’s ill, it might take you a couple of years to conceive and be pregant, by which time your mum may have passed away.
Having children is great in a lot of respects but if you’re not broody or not bothered then don’t do it!! I was soooo broody and the first year or so was tough as hell - you will need the support of your partner in this.

Am very sorry to hear about your MUm, somethimes people with terminal cancer live many years, HOWEVER its your life, your body, you say she has been on at you since you were 26 to have a baby, otherwise "what is your purpose in life", I love kids, had 4, but that was MY choice. No-ones business if you have 10 or none. But I think you do need to have serious chat with your partner, about your relationship as a whole, good luck.

I am so sorry about your mum.

However comments like If you don't have children, what will my life have been for? are just awful, I'm sure most of us here haven't had our children for the pure intention for them to give us grandchildren. That's their decision.

I do think your mum needs access to counselling, but the decision of having children is one anyone's parent should not be part of.

Just lie to her. Say that you are trying. After a year, say that you are doing IVF. She won't know. I know everyone thinks you should be open and honest and functional and respectful and all the rest of it, but why bother. You don't need to make the last few years you have with her, full of conflict and angst, you can bypass it and make her happy thinking you're doing what she wants.

Then sort out in your own head, what you actually want. You need to decide PDQ, if you want children or not. And if you want to live with a man who denies you them even if you want them. Your priorities, your choices, your life.

Alternatively go to counselling, you're under horrendous pressure and need to talk about this in RL to sort your head out.

Clearly you can't have a baby - a life changing and a hopefully life-long commitment to please your mother.

However I'm wondering why she is pushing it with you and not your siblings - could it be a clumsy way of voicing concern for you?

You're 34 and have spent 12 years with someone who doesn't want kids - perhaps she worried you'll keep pootling along till your options are drastically reduce and you perhaps find you have little or no options left.

At 34 you have time to find someone who does want kids or make changes to your life so you at least have option of going it alone but another 5 years it’s less time to do that ten it would be really hard.

Though it’s possible her view of you isn’t how you see yourself – perhaps she always thought of you as being a mother so is unhappy you’re not – my family find is odd I am as they never saw that in my future and it taken time for them to adjust.

With her being terminally ill it’s not a great time for you to be thinking about huge changes in your life but it does sound like you need to think about what you want long term at some point.

Just lie to her.

Really, don't do this. Distract her, use ambiguity or whatever works for you to change the subject. Don't pretend to be something you are not, for anyone, but mostly, seriously, for your own self esteem.

Hmm, a very tricky one, I feel for you, sorry about your mum :( Lots of good advice here already, to me it stands out that there's an intergenerational clash here - I'm same (borderline) millennial generation & I think we get a little cocooned by the modern world where we can just go about enjoying life/trying different jobs/feeling fairly confident that we can postpone the kids decision later & later without too many repercussions. It sounds like you've been with your partner since you were very young so not really surprising that the kids issue is only really crystallising now, it's all too easy to not really think about it in earlier years, however at some point reality bites. I agree that it sounds like your DP is being quite inflexible, but what do you think about that? Personally I have lived abroad with DH too but I know if my mum was terminal he would be saying 'you go & spend time with her, I'll support you however' - may be a bit premature to be saying that though, hopefully she may confound all expectations! Totally agree that practicalities-wise, there is no point trying to rush into having a baby now, even if DP agreed - you need to be in the right mindset for it; I don't mean feeling a sudden rush of broodiness, finding other peoples' babies all lovely or hearing some 'clock' ticking but pragmatically thinking 'Yes, I'm up for this now & happy to put myself 2nd for the time being..' Good luck.

I haven't RTFT, but I can see that people have said some very helpful and insightful things, but I just want to chip in this If you don't have children, what will my life have been for? - isn't actually about you, however much it sounds like it and it must be extremely hard not to feel put under pressure by it, it's about your mother facing her mortality and processing that, and forgetting (or not knowing) that she needs to keep some of it to herself or take it elsewhere and not lay it on you. Sorry, long sentence.

And to echo what other people have said, don't have children for other people. Being a mother is pretty much the biggest thing you're ever going to take on in your life, and you can only do it for you.

This is a lot to go through all at once. Take care of yourself.

Wow - totally bowled over by everyone's responses - thank you SO MUCH.

You have really helped crystallize some of the issues - I don't think I realized just how hard it would be to have a baby while my mother is ill. I think I (very naively) sort of thought it would make everything better.

I think the next step is to talk seriously to my DP and steel myself for the possibility that it may lead to us breaking up. I have no idea how to do that - esp with everything going on with my mother at the moment - but the clock's ticking and I've hidden my head in the sand for long enough.

Thank you again - and, to all those of you who have lost someone and/or been through something similar, I am so so sorry

I think the way to broach the issue with your dp is to talk about how hard you are finding your mum’s diagnosis, her being so far away, thinking about losing her etc etc and it’s made you start to re-evaluate your life, realise you only have one life etc etc. No need to mention your Mum pressurising you to have a baby - I don’t think that’s what this is really about anyway. Talk to him honestly and see how he reacts - I’d be expecting a degree of sympathy if he’s worth anything at all. You need to be able to talk about it and your feelings even if at the end of the day you come to the conclusion you don’t want kids. It needs to be something you work through together - not just him drawing a line. I think his reaction will help you realise how you really feel to be honest - is he the sort of person you want to spend the rest of your life and it be just the two of you with no other family. Are his parents still alive? I do think (speaking from my own point of view and my DH) that the death of one or both parents is a real game changer - when my Dad died recently the greatest comfort was knowing I had my kids and they have continued to be a huge comfort to me.

I wonder if your Mum knows that your boyfriend won't consider having children, so by saying that she wants you to have a baby, she knows that you'd have to confront your (from her perspective) incompatibility, which would prompt you to break up, and you would be inclined to move home to be near to her?

At the moment, you're living at the far side of another continent, with a man who will never have children, when you are at least ambivalent, if not leaning towards having children. Your Mum has limited time. She knows that your BF won't move and sacrifice his career. She knows you won't just go LDR. It's just a thought. Even if it's subconscious on her part.

Does she need you to have a baby, or does she need to want/need her again, for the little time she has left?

This is now in the Guardian: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/mar/24/should-have-baby-to-please-dying-mother

Well I'm not sure if the Guardian lifted the story from Mumsnet or if the OP submitted the same problem to the Guardian?

I would say the OP submitted it as well as it’s an advice column (and she got the same advice there)

I completely agree that it won’t ‘fix’ things and with posters who’ve said now is the worst time to have a baby.

My DM has recently been diagnosed with cancer. We don’t know a prognosis but I imagine it will be similar to your mum’s, possibly shorter.

I am pregnant with DC2 and really struggling with this fact. Will I be able to be a good Mum whilst caring for/visiting my own mother? How will she feel if she czar be a hands on granny the way she was/is with DC1?

On top of that, a great source of emotional pain for all of us is that she won’t see the DC grow up - DC1 is only 20 months.

I think you need to be honest with your mother and show her that, even if your partner wanted children, now is not the time,

It's certainly written as if she wrote them a letter but I'm wondering if it's true or just made to seem that way.