My dying mother wants me to have a baby

[SadOz]

Hello all - apologies for the long post, but I really need your help - I feel like I'm in the middle of an impossible knot.

My mother was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, with a prognosis of around 2 to 4 years - maybe less, maybe more. I am 34, and - although we are close and I love her and I consider her a really great mother - ever since I turned 26 (the age my mother had me) she has been pressuring me to have a baby, saying things like: 'If you don't have children, what will my life have been for?' And since being diagnosed, she has upped the pressure. I have two younger siblings, but neither of them are in long term relationships and my mother doesn't pressure them in the same way.

The main problem is that my partner of 12 years doesn't want and has never wanted children. Although I always imagined myself with children, when we met in our early 20s it didn't seem important and I hoped, although didn't expect, for him to change his mind. I assumed I would at some point get broody, as my other friends had done, and that would force the issue i.e. I would have to make a choice - but the broodiness never kicked in.

Even before my mother's diagnosis, it was something that I worried about constantly - due to my age, I knew I had to make a choice between my partner and my life (which I am worried will be consumed by a child), and having a baby. I had come to a decision that I was going to use the next year to travel and perhaps live in countries I have always wanted to live in, and I would have a baby (with or without my partner).

However, now my mother is ill, the timeline I had laid down has been torn to shreds - and it isn't just for her that I want to have a child while she's alive, it's also for me - I would really value my mother's help.

But I don't want to break up with my partner - although we have our problems like any couple, I can't imagine being with anyone else. In addition, my mother loves him too and would be devastated if we broke up. I also don't know if I would even have time to break up, heal, meet someone I could fall in love with, get pregnant and have a baby in the time my mother has left. He's also not the only obstacle - I'm earn a good salary, but I'm freelance, so no maternity pay, and honestly I don't really feel ready. I also live overseas and I'm not sure whether I should move home now - but my partner can't/won't move due to his work, and my work is also tied to a certain location-specific industry. But I know I'll look back and regret not moving back home and spending more time with my mother.

I'm in an impossible situation - I really just want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and not think about any of it. I feel that I have totally messed up my life and I can't understand how I have let myself end up in this position. All my friends somehow managed to have careers and relationships and children and I feel like a total failure. I have no idea how to work out what I want or what I should do.

Any advice would be very very much appreciated - I feel like it's driving me mad

Thanks so much for reading (have name changed for obvious reasons)

Not the same as your situation with your mum, but a fair few years back a friend had to make a decision between children and the guy she was with. It was a long hard decision and she decided against children and to stay with her partner. It's about six years ago, we were your age and she said recently she had no regrets, she's never felt broody and they have a great life.
Ps as a freelancer you maybe entitled to maternity leave allowance. Which is similar to statutory mat leave.

Touching on what @seven201 said, my dp said to my mum and I that maybe we should get married ASAP so she could see it , but DM said "don't do it on my account, don't rush into something you don't want to do yet just to please me". She's not one for "needing" to witness me graduate/go down the aisle /etc luckily.

As it goes we are getting married this year anyway , with full knowledge she will be dead by that point , but she has seen my dress, I've told her about venue , everything. She has been involved in that way.

Sorry to hear about your mother OP, but I have to agree with the other posters who say that you cannot have a child for your mother. You are the one who is going to have to look after her/him, for at least 18-20 years.

I am also confused about your life plan, and the plan to travel for a few years and then maybe have a baby (with or without your partner...) ??? So will he be the father?

Also agree with some others that your partner sound selfish and stubborn and I also think that putting off having a baby for several more years - if you do want one - is a bad idea. You're 34 already, and the window of opportunity is closing fast. Fertility starts to decline rapidly after 35. Don't leave it any longer if you want a baby!

I always wanted kids, and no matter how much I loved any man, I would not sacrifice having a baby for any man. Why do his wishes trump yours?

I agree that you can’t have a baby because your mother wants you to. But equally is it right for you not to have a child because your partner doesn’t want one? Fast forward ten years, how will you feel having given up a chance of having a child? If you can imagine yourself content, then you have your answer, if not you have a decision to make.

This ^

I have friends who stuck with partners who didn't want children and convinced themselves they didn't want any too.
One was dumped by her then DH aged 41 and had to start right over. She was pretty bitter and started to see she'd only said no kids because it was part of the conditions to stay with him. The other later split up with her DH, met someone else and is a happy step mum.

Take your mum's feelings out of this - what is right for you? If your DH said "let's have a baby", would you jump for joy, need persuasion or flatly say no?

I'm sorry about your mum..

Both your partner and your mum sound very selfish.

Your partner, for wanting everything his way and refusing to have any discussion or entertain any kind of compromise about where to live or work. That's not a relationship love, that's living with a dictator. As you know from your Mum's diagnosis; life is short and it is far too short to spend it with someone who wants his own way all the time.

Your mum, for emotionally blackmailing you about having children. It's manipulative, passive aggressive and extremely unpleasant. You owe her nothing. Comments like "what's my life been for" are ridiculous in their hysteria and immaturity. Being blunt, the cancer has just given her the perfect excuse to ramp up the pressure on you. Notice how in all of her demands she isn't actually stopping you ask you what you want - no, it's all about her.

Have kids because you want them - not because someone else says it's a good idea. There is no magic answer to this. I have no DC of my own (through choice) and am 39. I made my decision at 31 and am quite comfortable with it. Will I regret it at 45/50/76 etc? Who knows? But what I do know is that I would far rather regret not having had kids, than regret having them.

You have two issues here which need to be separated; whether you want children and your mum's behaviour. The first will dictate whether you stay in your current relationship. If you want kids then you need to leave him. DO NOT WASTE YOUR REMAINING FERTILE YEARS HOPING HE WILL CHANGE HIS MIND: IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. 34 still gives you time to meet someone else who does want a family. There is nothing wrong with splitting up because you want different things - but do not be sucked in by promises from him to "think about it". He won't because he made his decision a long time ago. Having kids is a deal-breaker and you cannot compromise on it.

Your mum's behaviour needs to be the subject of a short and sharp conversation, where you tell her that she needs to back off. That you love her but that your decision to have children or not will NOT be driven or influenced by her and that it is hugely unfair and manipulative to keep on at you about it. That the subject is now closed and you will not be discussing it again. Every time she mentions it, tell her "I am not discussing this with you. I have made it clear I don't want you to talk like this to me because it is unfair. Please stop" and change the subject - rinse and repeat and be firm.

And the other thing OP, recently my DM has been in hospital due to some seizures, I did personal care for her , spoon fed her , wiped her , helped her do stuff that you would a little baby. It's not the right dynamic for me personally with 2 small ones of my own and I can imagine she feels like shit that she can't help her daughter with her babies and that her daughter has to help her to do every day activities.
Yesterday I saw her and she recounted a fall she had recently , where she said " I just fell and it was horrible and I wet myself and they had to clean me up because I couldn't do it anymore". That was fucking horrible to hear.

I didn’t want children until my forties - when it was a case of now or never. Nothing like that to focus the mind. My partner didn’t want children, but when he found out I did, he “went along with it”. That is to say I thought he’d changed his mind, but after we had our first I asked him, when he’d changed his mind and he said “when he was born”. He immediately became the doting father, which is fairly common apparently. I was surprised that you say your DH woukd break up with you if you decided to have children. I can’t imagine really being with someone who would give me up like that. I think it’s really important that you decide what you want. It occurs to me that these “no children” decisions are easier for men - they can have children in later life. Your husband is now very career focussed. That may be reassessed when he’s in his late forties, early fifties. People do change as they age, priorities shift. Now he’s thinking “no” to a baby. In 10 years he’ll be round a friends house and see them all sitting round a table with their 12 year olds, laughing and joking, or maybe swapping opinions and doing stuff with their mature 18 year olds, and then maybe he’ll look at you in your late forties with your dried up ovaries and suddenly take an interest in some fertile, willing 30 year old. He may not, but don’t not have a baby because of him, please. It goes without saying, not to have a child to please your mum, but I don’t think that’s the real issue here. Also, life isn’t “right” decisions and “wrong” ones. Everything we do is imperfect, nothing, or rarely is anything a “happy ever after”. I have 2 young children now, lucky enough to conceive easily in my forties. I love that I have children, that I see them growing up, developing and it’s exciting to wonder how they will turn out, to see them change and mature. I was never broody and never oohed and aahed over other people’s children, but another part of my heart opened when I first saw my DS. It is different for everyone, but this is a time limited decision for you. I thought of all sorts of reasons not to have children. In the end I decided I did not want to die childless, so stopped deliberating, pondering, overthinking and just went for it.

Although I'm not currently terminal, there us a chance I will become so.
I don't think the woman is selfish, you say things at this time that are strange and pushy. Until you have been there I don't think you can criticise.
Personally I have said the same to my DD. The difference being I know she wants children, and I hope I can see her with one. Not actually for me though, more fir her to see me love her child. It was a most unexpected thing that I had with my mum - I didn't expect it to be so pleasurable to see my mum love my child. I don't want her to miss out.

Sorry to be blunt, but your mum's wishes are irrelevant. You need to untangle what your mum wants and what your DP wants from what you want. If you want a child it sounds as though your are with the wrong man.

As you are living abroad, my only recommendation would be read through the Hague Convention and the impact that would have if you were to have children and then wish to return to the UK with them.
From what you are posting in regards to having children, it doesn't sound like a burning desire, so if you could take or leave the idea, then you would probably be better off leaving it. Don't underestimate the amount of change that having a child brings to your life.

Hi. You're going to get lots of advice, and I understand not knowing what your heart even really wants. But I was struck by two things you said. First, that you would love your mother's help if you had a child. Second, that you don't feel like this is a good time for reasons utterly irrespective of your partner (mostly work reasons).

I'm sorry that there are no easy answers here. So sorry.

My advice is this: in answer to the first, speaking as someone who's mother died of cancer 10 years ago, there is a good chance that your mother will not actually be able to give you much help. If you were to fall pregnant tomorrow, then perhaps in the first year. But not only is it possible she will not be in a condition to help, but even that she might be gone. Or, perhaps worst of all, that she will most need your help at the moment you giving birth or trying to deal with a brand new infant and least able to help her.

Second, your concerns relative to your job seem wise and sensible. If you can't take maternity leave right now and won't have a partner willing to help, and also your mother's position is unpredictable, it sounds like it might be a bad moment.

My suggestion would be to go see your mother in person and tell her all this. Tell her that you are in an untenable position just now, and it would be unwise, and possibly even unkind to her unborn grandchild. I realize that would be hard and unpleasant. I don't envy you one bit. But I suspect she needs you more than she might be letting on through the pushing for a grandchild.

And beyond that, when she is gone you will have regrets and wish you'd done some things differently. That is just the way of life: it's hard to live in such a way that we won't ever have regrets about the way we've dealt with the people closest to us in some way or another. Talking to her directly, honestly, and in person might minimize those regrets; while giving in to pressure to bear a child when you're not ready may leave you feeling resentful at a time you most want to love your mother. That will painful, and I'd avoid it if I could.

You cannot have a baby for your mother. I'm sorry to hear of what she is facing (and you alongside her), but she has a deeply wrong idea of what she can expect and demand, and it sounds as if she had it before her diagnosis too. How incredibly hurtful to you and her other children to assert that her life would only have had any meaning if you had a child! The hurtfulness and unreasonableness of that statement and that attitude don't go away because she is terminally ill. She effectively wants to make you an object to produce a grandchild for her, and it is always wrong to make other people into objects.

Whether you (as in YOU) want a baby or not, and the choices you then must make around your relationship (and you must - TheDailyMailLovesTheEU is spot on there) if the answer is yes, is another matter, and I think some time exploring things with a good therapist who will be solidly on your 'side' in everything would be time well spent.

I have to agree with Aquamarine1029 and many others, it's not a good idea to have a baby for your DM. Even without her diagnosis, she can't dictate when you should have children....or even 'if' you should have children. That is entirely your decision.

If DP is totally against having children then you have to think, do you really want to stay with him (and remain childless) or have children on your own. Lots of people choose the latter and you could still travel, but whatever your decision it needs to be 'yours' without coercion from anyone else.

Sorry to hear about your DMs diagnosis and all it entails. Been through that with someone near and dear so totally understand what's ahead.

Looks like some tough decisions ahead and I wish you all the best. Life's not easy sometimes!

Your mums illness must have hit you hard OP, but you can only have a baby if it’s right for you, not for anyone else. My mum desperately wanted me to have a baby so I understand the pressure. She is in good health, but has been a useful as a chocolate teapot as far as being a GM is concerned, but that’s a whole different issue.

When and if you want a baby you will know, for me the feeling was overwhelming.

If your partner doesn’t want children the strain on your relationship will be immense.

Think very carefully about what you want. No one should be pressured into having a child regardless of the circumstances.

I hope your mum is receiving the best possible treatment and will enjoy many more years to come.

I agree with the PPs above who have set out exactly why you need to make this choice for yourself, not your mum.

But what also struck me was your mum's comment 'otherwise what is it all for?' I'm a mum but I have several childless friends - some by choice, some by circumstance - and I would absolutely take issue with the idea that their lives are less meaningful than mine. In fact, being childless has allowed them to do many things I simply couldn't - for example, giving a lot more time in their 30s to charity and other community projects, travelling to more far flung places, radically changing careers in their 40s without the pressure of having to maintain their salary to feed their children. They are also fabulous, involved aunties and uncles. So if you do decide having children isn't for you, you can absolutely assure your mum that your life will have meaning and joy and fulfilment, even if you choose a different path to the one she has. I think sometimes parents find it hard to see a child live a different life from the one they envisioned, but it's part of accepting your children as adults with minds and desires of their own.

Good luck with it all.

I was never broody. Watched my friends have kids and almost felt I’d dodged a bullet by not giving up my freedom and my career.
I thought I might want kids one day but I couldn’t visualise a baby. Husband was the same.
I had private medical insurance as part of the job with one employer, and as part of it I had some tests done which showed I might struggle to conceive. I was about the age you are now and it hit me hard.
I realised it was more important than I’d thought and we started treatment.
A few years down the line - and IVF - later and we have our baby. I shudder when I think I might have missed out on the most important and rewarding experience of my life.
My one regret? I wish we’d done it sooner. I’d love to have had more than one.
I can only speak for myself, but if I were you I’d move back to be with your mum, start finding work here and get your bloods checked.

I think you are asking permission to leave this man.

Deep down you know you want children and he isn't the one to have them with.

If you want them, then make the change for yourself.

I was in a similar situation with a man who didn't want kids, and it eventually split us up - it wasn't that I was desperate to behave babies, but I knew he would never stick by me if I did become pregnant. He was selfish!

I've only read your OP and my gut feeling is tell your mum you are trying, maybe in a few months time when you have legitimately had time to discuss with your partner? I know it's a lie but it might buy you some space.

I was pregnant when my nana was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I was hurt that the baby wasn't enough for her to live for. Now, 12 years on, I just feel so ashamed of myself at my selfishness as she's had a quarter of a century as a widow and had had enough. A baby can't have so much pressure put on them and to be frank, your mum will go and the child will still be here. You have to 100% want them as it's forever. It's hard. What if your mum gets too ill to help just as you're about to give birth? If you have a baby after she's gone you'll be sad she wasn't there but it can't be the reason to have one. Also, is your desire to please your mum more than your love for your DP if he says no, no baby and then you split?

I’m so sorry to hear your mum is unwell. However, she is being very unfair to you. The “what has my life been for” line is silly. You don’t live your life with the sole purpose of being a grandmother! And what if for some reason you can’t have children? How would she feel then?

There are a number of issues at play here and you are tying yourself up in knots trying to please everyone. However, the most important thing is to do what’s right for you. Try not to feel pressure from your mother. Talk to her about it and tell her how it makes you feel and she needs to stop. It’s your life, focus on you.

G12... punctuation!

Op, your mum is not going to be able to help you raise your children or be in their lives. You and she need to grieve this.
The questions about your future, with or without your partner or children are for the longer term. What would happen if you were accidentally pregnant? Seems like he calls the shots, you are happy to comply but not really all that committed. Is that ok, do you need more?
Visualise yourself with and without a child, your partner, how does it feel? Don't let your mum pressure you, spend what time you can with her, but on your terms. She is dealing with a lot but can't put it on you.
Good luck.

Move home to be with your mum...if he loves you ,he will be making plans to do the same..you could adopt as a single mum at a later date.dont let a man take away the very last years with your mum...has he ever in the time you've been together asked you how you feel about having children? Or is it all about him...maybe your mum knows you better than you think...maybe she thinks the baby is actually what you want deep down,but can't allow yourself to feel that feeling as you know it means the end of your relationship

I was also 34 when my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I'd always been ambivalent about having a baby and so had my DP. My mum never once put pressure on me to have a baby but soon after she was diagnosed I decided to have a child. Even then I wasn't 100% sure I wanted one but I wanted for my child to meet my mother, and that I would have something else to focus on. My DD has been a source of light for all of us, not just me, and a great joy to my mum who died a few weeks before her first birthday. My Dsis calls my DD the "saviour" (I know, poor child!). I don't know if I would have had a baby had I not been "forced" into it. I feel like my life would have, quite happily, gone on without my DP and I ever making the decision. But I'm so glad I did. It was extremely hard, physically and emotionally, looking after a baby and my mum but it was also really meaningful. Sometimes life just forces decisions. I'm absolutely not saying you should do this for your mum, who is being unfair to ask you, but it sounds as if you'd like a baby. Also, with respect to PPs, I don't think it's necessary to be 100% sure you want a baby or to wait until you feel broody. You may never feel like that - I didn't but I'm so grateful for my DD now. (I also think I would have been happy in a different way if I didn't have a child.) Your DP has been honest with you about his feelings, don't expect him to change. This is about you and how you feel about having a baby. Good luck

For the last eight years your mother has been selfishly trying to push you into having a baby. You clearly don't want to (for whatever reason and you don't have to justify here or to anyone) or you would have acted on it before this. You managed to resist her up until now. The only thing that has changed since your mothers diagnosis is that your guilt over not giving into her has increased hugely and she is playing on that.

You say she doesn't pressure your siblings in the same way - are they better at standing up to her? The oldest child is often the 'good' one, the people pleaser and it sounds like your mother is relying on that to get her own way.

This is a case of 'the woman's right to choose'. No one , no matter how close or loved has the right to pressure you into having a child.I think deep down you know it is not right to have a child you are not sure about but it is not easy or usual for you to defy your mum in this way.

I write as someone who has adult daughters and would dearly love to be a grandparent but would never dream of pressuring them. They are adults and should be free to make their own life choices. I wonder if your mum is from a background where she wasn't free to make her own choices? That might explain why she thinks it is acceptable to behave in such an unboundaried way with you.

Stand strong OP. Do what you think is right for you.

I'm so sorry about your DM. I think your priority has to be spending time with her.

As for the decisions about your relationship and having a child, I think your DM's diagnosis has brought those issues to the forefront but you have to try to remember that they are not any more or less urgent than they were before her diagnosis. It does sound as though you haven't thought through your relationship and children plans in much reality. You have had a little fantasy about travelling and babies but it's not been real.

I know you have a therapist but they may be best for discussing all the issues you are currently struggling with. Coping with a parent's terminal diagnosis is a very difficult time. I think you may benefit from visiting the Maggie's Centre if you have one local to your DM in the UK. My DF had terminal cancer and actually my only regret is that I didn't spend more time in the Centre because it was such a supportive and nurturing place for families and individuals living with cancer. You might need to have support to have an honest conversation with your DM about your hopes and fears including that any child will not be your DP's. You're carrying a lot of the emotional burden on your own. You don't have to.

There's an interesting documentary on BBC about a woman deciding whether or not she wants a baby. Some bits will be relevant to your situation although not all of it, think it's called Baby Love. It came across as very impartial and gave a balanced view of the situation from my perspective. Your mum wanting a grand kid and you partner not wanting kids shouldn't affect your choice as a woman of whether of not you want kids. The pressure should not be on you to have kids. My mums older sisters all had kids when they were in their early twenties. However my mum only accidentally fell pregnant when she was 30 which turned out be an ectopic pregnancy. It was only after this that she realised how much she wanted kids. Before that she'd never really thought about it even though she'd felt a little bit of pressure from her then partner's side of the family to get them a grand kid.