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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP bought valentines card for ex but nothing for me

126 replies

GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 21:30

Bit of context. Been with dp for 2.5 years. Both have kids of our own , own places, speak daily see each other every couple of weeks but have gone longer. He has kids every weekend mine go to their dads eow and I don't want the kids to always be involved so that's why our 'dating' is spread thin. Had great holidays and breaks away in that time and he's. been a rock when needed.
Previous two years for valentines I've always got a card and some flowers
This year - nothing.
He said it's because when he asked if I was going to see him Tuesday I said no I'm going to the gym... he said yea but it's valentines and I said we never 'do' anything for valentines
However when he had his son at the weekend he took him shopping as his ds wanted to get a valentines card for his mom.? So that means dp stood looking at cards surrounded by all the valentines crap and didn't even think to pick one up for me.
He can't see why I'm annoyed. I think it shows he's thoughtless and he's stopped making an effort .... which is something I've said for months.
AIBU to think a cheap card ( as appreciated in previous years) is too much to bloody ask when he had to pick one up anyway ?

OP posts:
JustVent · 14/02/2018 22:23

I can totally understand the issue with not wanting to shag when the kids are upstairs.

DH and I have had a fair few near misses when we genuinely thought the kids were asleep, but at least that’s their dad.

It’s something that needs to be handled very differently when it’s not.

So yes, I now see your point with that one.

Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:25

Tuesday he had a spears half hour. He didn't want to do anything for valentines. He realised valentines may be an extra reason for me to cancel gym and spend half hour with him.... doubt that would have been a romantic gesture in 30 min. More like a quickie thanks to valentines being the day after. Nah I'd rather spin.
If he wanted to do anything for valentines my kids are their dads this weekend and he knows that. No suggestion of that as he's off o watch boxing for the weekend. Just 30 minutes on the Tuesday lol ... yet I'm U for saying no thanks. I'm not an after thought

OP posts:
Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:25

@BastardGoDarkly yea but it's still sad to see

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Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:28

@Bluntness100 I'll be honest I'm 100% scared to end it
I was married from 19-26 to a bastard who physically and emotionally abused me: took me ages to pick myself up get some confidence. Then I had 2 amazing years being single.
Met dp and thought he's someone safe complete opposite of my ex and that's why I've stuck it out but I feel I spend too much time telling him what I need from him and expecting this 'spark' might not be real life but at at the same time alrhough I love him as a person I don't need him if it is 'mundane' cus it's bloody hard work !

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Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:31

Really appreciate everyone's insight and perspective.
Given me a lot of food for thought xx thanks Wine

OP posts:
JustVent · 14/02/2018 22:32

Oof that’s a telling post OP.

In an ideal world that spark would happen whether you were in a lovely restaurant or at home watching awful TV.
Going out is lovely, but you should still be laughing and flirting and having fun at home as well.

If I lost the latter than I would have to seriously work on my marriage and/or myself to figure out what went wrong.

It sounds like you’ve endured one extreme and chose the other which is very understandable given your past.

NordicNobody · 14/02/2018 22:37

I'm sorry about your marriage, that sounds horrible. I understand why you want something safe. But you need to end it. Honestly, from my POV this guy hasn't done a single thing wrong and frankly if I were him I'd be pretty hurt by the way you acted. Not seeing him to go to the gym, then fitting him in around the edges, then complaining about not getting a card but refusing to buy him a card because you didn't want to spend any money. But really it's like you've said a few times, it's a symptom of your relationship. You don't mix your kids, you don't feel comfortable with him in your home when the kids are there, you rarely see each other, you feel no spark, and neither of you seems to have the slightest amount of inclination to change things. Honestly I've rarely read a post which so clearly screams that you just don't fancy each other very much. You couldn't seem less invested in this relationship if you tried. It's scary, but it's time to leave. Good luck.

Kismett · 14/02/2018 22:37

I know what you mean about not needing something mundane. After I got divorced I had much higher standards. I enjoyed a lot of the time that I was single and wouldn’t have wanted to compromise for something that wasn’t great.

I hope you find something great, whether it’s with him or on your own.

Lashalicious · 14/02/2018 22:39

Why did you say you were going to the gym when he asked about Valentine’s Day? You screwed up is what happened. You basically told him to go f himself on Valentine’s Day because you had more important things to do, go to the gym. Now you’re complaining about not getting a card? Of course he didn’t get you a card. And there’s nothing wrong with helping his ds get his mom a card. But he didn’t get you a card because of how you responded to him about VD.

I bet you wanted to provoke him into suggesting some romantic evening by saying “I’m going to the gym because we never DO anything for VD” but instead he called your bluff and on top of it, didn’t even get you a card. Now, that’s not to say I’m not on your side, I am. Talk to him about it, and say you would like to do something special on VD in the future, not just a card though you want that too and always appreciate it. He may not understand that you want that and was just hurt/put off by your going to the gym and criticizing him. Men are dumb like that sometimes.

Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:40

@JustVent we do laugh and we have fun. When we see each other. That's just not often enough. We Both have responsibilities. And that's probably why something like this leads to what may be perceived as an over reaction from me because I feel like we never see Each other , he never makes an effort I've told him This so many times and yet this ? And then he'll make an effort so it will tick along nicely for a bit until again I have to suggest something and we just go round in circles.
But yes as he is safe and kind I put up with it but have subconsciously just begun to 'coast' myself.
I need a magic 8 ball to tell me what to do Glitterball

OP posts:
JustVent · 14/02/2018 22:42

To be honest, you don’t need a magic 8 ball. You have this thread.

It isn’t going to change. It actually can’t.

Lashalicious · 14/02/2018 22:43

Well, I just read my comment above, and what a mess it is, sorry OP!! It was much too harsh and actually doesn’t make much sense. It’s been a long day. What I meant to say is to talk to him about what you need and would like to do for VD in the future; you seem to have been trying to talk to him though to no avail. Even a great marriage has stuff like this though that really grates on you...if you love him, try again to talk to him, I don’t blame you for wanting something special on this day from him.

Valentinesfart · 14/02/2018 22:43

e didn't from September to January as he never made the effort to see me. It's difficult with childcare. He said no sex was an issue. I said we have to actually see each other to have sex so name a time and place other than my living room with the kids upstairs. Took him four months to sort it out

What do you think married people do? People always manage to have more than one child..

Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:44

@NordicNobody your post sums it up.
I've spent the best part of anything beyond our first year seeing him when he can fit me in. So yea that has resulted in now me having my plans and him fitting in around them. And it is sad but yea neither of us have that inclination to change things which is what I've said a number of times to him. We have these convos about needing to make more effort see each other more and we don't. And that has to highlight a much bigger issue as you said. Sad but true

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/02/2018 22:44

Well I think mumsnet have been loud and clear telling you what to do. But you're not listening due to thr fear.

End it. You'll meet someone who will make you happy. Kind and dull but uninvolved isn't that person. You can't change someone. Stop trying.

Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:45

@Kismett thanks

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JustVent · 14/02/2018 22:46

Valentinesfart unless you can lock a door, it’s pretty understandable that the OP wouldn’t want to risk her kids walking in on them.

It’s awful enough to accidentally walk into a room and see your mum and dad at it, let alone walking into a room and seeing your mum shagging a man you barely know.
And even if you did know him.... still it’s not what you wanna see.

In fact I’ve had both experiences unfortunately and the latter has scarred me, that’s actually being serious.

Valentinesfart · 14/02/2018 22:46

Out of curiosity I asked Dh about the OP.

He said, and I quote, "I don't see why he didn't buy a card when he was there. I mean, you'd cover yourself wouldn't you". Hmm

The romance.

Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:46

@Bluntness100 I hear you all loud and clear I really do. It's nothing I haven't been told countless times by my friends .... I just need to be brave.

He's a lovely guy but just not my missing puzzle piece. Maybe no one will fit with me lol but best I'm alone and happy to realise that than stringing us both along making do

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Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:48

@Valentinesfart lol .... that's it he couldn't even. Be bothered to cover himself ! Grin

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Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:50

This thread has helped more than you know.

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Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:50

I'm going to get some sleep. Thanks again all.

OP posts:
JustVent · 14/02/2018 23:00

Good luck Flowers

NordicNobody · 14/02/2018 23:01

I missed the bit on your earlier post where you said he could have made time for you at the weekend but wanted to watch the boxing instead, so yeh I can see why you weren't exactly champing at the bit to change your plans to accommodate him. Definitely time to cut your losses on this one. Hope you sleep well and feel better tomorrow.

te7037 · 14/02/2018 23:17

I'll be honest- you asked for it. He obviously wished to spend the VD with you but you indirectly said no.

What else did he have to do for you for the VD? Absolutely nothing.

I would never let that happen to someone I hold dear to my heart.

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