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Original poster

DP bought valentines card for ex but nothing for me

126 replies

GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 21:30

Bit of context. Been with dp for 2.5 years. Both have kids of our own , own places, speak daily see each other every couple of weeks but have gone longer. He has kids every weekend mine go to their dads eow and I don't want the kids to always be involved so that's why our 'dating' is spread thin. Had great holidays and breaks away in that time and he's. been a rock when needed.
Previous two years for valentines I've always got a card and some flowers
This year - nothing.
He said it's because when he asked if I was going to see him Tuesday I said no I'm going to the gym... he said yea but it's valentines and I said we never 'do' anything for valentines
However when he had his son at the weekend he took him shopping as his ds wanted to get a valentines card for his mom.? So that means dp stood looking at cards surrounded by all the valentines crap and didn't even think to pick one up for me.
He can't see why I'm annoyed. I think it shows he's thoughtless and he's stopped making an effort .... which is something I've said for months.
AIBU to think a cheap card ( as appreciated in previous years) is too much to bloody ask when he had to pick one up anyway ?

OP posts:
altiara · 14/02/2018 22:10

If you said we don’t “do” Valentines Day to me I’d think you were saying “we don’t do anything for Valentine’s Day” and would be disappointed that the previous years cards and flowers were classed as nothing, and certainly would be doing it again!!
Just saying that as I think its misleading rather than how you interpreted it as going out.

Bluntness100 · 14/02/2018 22:11

Languid yes..🤪

Op, you're not happy. You're eyeing up other blokes. Stop dragging this out. Put an end to all your misery and end it.

kinkajoukid · 14/02/2018 22:11

Sounds to me like you both need to be making more effort considering you are hardly able to see each other, but also that you have been giving off some 'meh' messages.

Could you not have made him a card from a piece of paper?! Drawn a heart on it and taken a picture even?!

Cheesy for sure, but sometimes cheesy is nice. If you don't do anything I don't think you can expect him to understand that you want to make a big-ish deal out of it.

Perhaps you expect the wooing to come from him only?

JustVent · 14/02/2018 22:11

Granny plenty of couples would settle for just that but you have to make an effort in relationships and have date nights.

This relationship is going absolutely nowhere.
You’re wasting his time, I actually feel sorry for the guy. He can’t do anything right.

There’s way bigger issues here than the card.

Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:11

@Bluntness100 I had a personal consultation with him Friday thanks.
Maybe it was his dedication and enthusiasm that helped too.
Dp has the same but for blowjobs and football Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:13

@Bluntness100 22.11 .... I think that's hit nail on the head. Real life people have said that ... it's just he's a good person but the spark has gone
Then I feel all childish for wanting a spark and not settling for safe and sound dp

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/02/2018 22:13

Op, many men have an enthusiasm for either blow jobs or football. Or both.

You're going to be hard pressed to find one with no enthusiasm for either.

Valentinesfart · 14/02/2018 22:13

nd I'm on a no spend month i have not stood in front of any card displays to even have chance to pick one up.

You didn't want to meet him and your excuse for not getting him a gift is it was a "no spend" month. I mean really. FFS.

JustVent · 14/02/2018 22:13

Also, if he’s never at yours, when do you ever have sex?

How often are you expecting to go out?

This is a very weird relationship, and that’s coming from someone who I’ve been with for 19 years and only lived with for 2....

WooWooSister · 14/02/2018 22:14

This isn't about Valentine's. Your relationship has run its course. You'd rather indulge your fantasies at the gym than spend an hour with your DP on Valentine's Day. Look at your own actions and see what they're saying about your priorities.

And personally I don't care about Valentine's. I think it's commercial nonsense. But you started this thread because you were so upset at the lack of a card. If Valentine's is important to you, ask yourself why you went to the gym and didn't buy a card.

kinkajoukid · 14/02/2018 22:14

sorry cross post as page was not updated Blush

Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:15

@kinkajoukid I don't expect the wooing to come from him only I agree it looks like that but back story is about 6-9 months ago I got sick of asking to see dp and him never making time / wanting to try anything new and said to him I'm not going to ask anymore you need to make the effort or it's done. This is where that has led to. I did 'warn' him that he needs to know I won't just sit in waiting g for him to find time I'll do what I'm doing anyway hence me being adamant to stick to my gym routine just cus one night he decides to find time to see me for half hour ?

OP posts:
JustVent · 14/02/2018 22:17

Part of a normal functioning relationship is staying in with dp and doing the mundane stuff.

If you can’t do that, then you need to realise that this relationship has no future.

Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:18

@Bluntness100 I get that. But I want dp to be enthusiastic about me ... seeing new places... trying new things together...

He only got a passport when we got together. Never been to a concert / festival. Not an issue but just be willing to experience new things even if only once.
I can be enthusiastic about football and blowjobs .... just want him to try and be about my interests too

OP posts:
Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:18

@JustVent you speak sense. thanks

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/02/2018 22:18

But you didn't stick to your gym routine. You went to see him.

Just end it now. Pick up the phone and Do it and Stop fannying around. You'll be doing both of you a favour. Sometimes things run their course or don't work out.

Then focus on you. The gym. The muscled hunk. Whatever makes you happy.

Cleanermaidcook · 14/02/2018 22:19

Yabu!
You couldn't even get him a card from aldi
You invite him to the gym where you oggle the bloke who is paid to give you attention (- the gym that is there every single week, Valentine's day is just once a year and you wouldn't budge your plans)
And critisise him for not making an effort!
You are being more than unreasonable.
If a woman wrote this from his perspective there would be cries of ltb!

Kismett · 14/02/2018 22:20

I saw a quote once that stuck with me. "Marriage is more than finding the right person. It's being the right person."

I know that you're not married, but I think it works in any partnership. It's not just about what you get out of it, if the other person is doing enough and is right for you. It's about what you do for them, too.

It's easy to think that we deserve this or that, and get upset when it doesn't come our way. Do I deserve a partner who does thoughtful things for me? Maybe, but it's not some inherent right.

In this case it sounds like he may have wanted to make that effort and you shot him down. I understand that you feel he has been making less of an effort in general, and that might be true. But in this case he has made an effort, and you said you weren't interested, and then got upset anyway. Think about the feedback you're giving him and work on improving that or he won't even try anymore.

Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:20

@JustVent we didn't from September to January as he never made the effort to see me. It's difficult with childcare. He said no sex was an issue. I said we have to actually see each other to have sex so name a time and place other than my living room with the kids upstairs. Took him four months to sort it out.
Is it any wonder I don't show too much enthusiasm ?

OP posts:
wysteriafloribunba · 14/02/2018 22:20

'Just in the context to me it seems as though 2.5years in the romantic dating thoughtful acts have stopped '

Really? HE wanted to do something together for Valentines and you told him you'd rather go to the gym.

I can see who's not making any effort and it's not him.

I wouldn't have bought you a card either. You were very hurtful.

Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:20

@JustVent I've said once a month would be great. A dedicated time for just us once a month would be a bloody luxury

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 14/02/2018 22:20

OK, I can see he's been reluctant for quite some time, and no, you're absolutely right not to be cartwheeling with gratitude if he wants to see you.on the one night you've got solid plans.

So, this warning 6 months ago, he didn't listen did he? I think you know it's not worth it op.

JustVent · 14/02/2018 22:21

Do you know what, is stuff like this where I really appreciate MN. When you can’t see the woods for the trees you can hash it out on Mumsnet and gain a different perspective.

It’s certainly helped me over the years!

Original poster
GrannyMac2018 · 14/02/2018 22:22

@Kismett that makes sense too

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/02/2018 22:22

Think about the feedback you're giving him and work on improving that or he won't even try anymore

I think she wants to end it but is too scared to.

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