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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset with DP!

60 replies

lostjanni · 14/02/2018 19:45

OK, here goes, first post so please be nice haha.

Been with DP now for 5 years now and mentioned the desire for us to start trying to conceive and then he hits me with a bombshell!
He says when he was younger he was a super late developer like no signs of puberty til 17 and he is also quite small at five foot 5. He says because of this he doesn't want biological kids as he feels 'he will pass this stuff onto the kids' and he doesn't want them to go through the bullying he did.

Am i right to be pissed off? He says we can try other ways surely like sperm donor, adoption etc but i feel like this won't feel like the real deal for him.
AIBU?

OP posts:
mustbemad17 · 14/02/2018 19:47

Depends i guess. Did you discuss having kids before you got married? Its one thing to change tact now you're wanting to try, totally another to admit you actually don't want biological children when it's the first time you've discussed it.

As for adoption or using a sperm donor, only he can say how it will make him feel. The fact he suggested it points to him being okay with it

Notamorningperson84 · 14/02/2018 19:48

5 years together and he's only mentioning this now??

YANBU.

Have you discussed starting a family before?

QuiteLikely5 · 14/02/2018 19:48

Is he winding you up? You waited five years to discuss the prospect of children? Hmm

Bambamber · 14/02/2018 19:48

Is this the first time you've ever discussed the possibility of having a child? As in, have you previously had a conversation about plans for the future regarding children? It seems an odd reason, but he is well within his rights to decide he doesn't want biological children. YABU to be pissed off that he doesn't want kids of his own, but YANBU to be pissed off that you're only finding this out 5 years down the line

Original poster
lostjanni · 14/02/2018 19:52

This is the first time we have had a sit down discussion about kids, but he has mentioned previously he wanted kids.
Yes we waited 5 years to have the proper discussion about it we have had a bit of a care free 5 years haha.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostjanni · 14/02/2018 20:09

mustbemad17, sure he can say it will be ok with him, but then do i want to get kids another way?

OP posts:
WS12 · 14/02/2018 20:15

Tell him what he's saying is absolutely crazy. You love him and want to have children WITH him and by that you mean his sperm and your egg no a donors!! Also remind him sons always grow taller than their fathers 👍

mustbemad17 · 14/02/2018 20:17

But surely that's a further discussion to be had between you both? He's told you he doesn't want biological children...the next step surely is to decide if you want to pursue other methods of conceiving and if not, can you live in a marriage knowing that you won't ever have kids? To me him suggesting other options means the biology aspect doesn't bother him, which is what your OP questioned. Only you can decide if other options are what you really want

outofmydepth45 · 14/02/2018 20:21

Does he understand that you want his children ?

blackchina · 14/02/2018 20:21

Not being funny, but his reasons for not wanting a baby are really lame.

Also, I have to echo what another poster said - you only just discussed this now?! Confused

5 ft 5 for a man isn't overly tiny btw. Below average, but not super tiny.

Domino20 · 14/02/2018 20:22

Sons do certainly not always grow taller than their fathers!!

Original poster
lostjanni · 14/02/2018 20:32

thanks so far, i said all the stuff about i love you for you, i want your children etc and he just said i'm not respecting his personal decision.
Might have to make him sleep on the sofa tonight while i mull this all over...

OP posts:
Snowydaysarehere · 14/02/2018 20:33

I am 5'4, my df is not much taller, my dc all tower over me!! He is being a numpty.

meredintofpandiculation · 14/02/2018 20:39

see if you can get genetic counselling to tell you the likelihood of it being passed to children. It may be non-hereditary, it may be passed down the female line. Get all the facts first before making a decision

JaneEyre70 · 14/02/2018 20:41

He does realise that children vary in height and size??! We've got 3 DDs - eldest is 5 ft 5", youngest is 5 ft 11". Same parents, same upbringing. None planted overnight in Growmore. There are huge variables, and he sounds to be honest like he's making excuses. I think you need to hear what he's telling you - he doesn't want children, sorry.

Original poster
lostjanni · 14/02/2018 20:41

meredintofpandiculation might suggest this to him.

snowy, exactly what i think, but then i'm not 'respecting' his opinion.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 14/02/2018 20:47

I think he is one of those men that doesn't want kids yet/with you but is going to string you along with the ..you can always adopt/use a donor knowing this will take a really long time if, at all possible.

romany4 · 14/02/2018 20:54

He's an idiot.

I'm 5ft 4. DH is 5 ft 9
Ds1 is 5ft 11.
Ds2 is 6ft 4

After 5 years together, he's taking the piss

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/02/2018 20:57

Tricky one. Fair enough you are upset, but you have said yourself this is the first time you have ever discussed it.

He hasn't said he doesn't want kids WITH you, just that he doesn't want them to inherit his genetical traits.

If you really want to raise a family with this man, you may realistically have to look at other options.

It depends what is more important to you, raising a family with him, or raising kids that are genetically his.

Agree with some kind of counselling if the relationship is good apart from this.

sueelleker · 14/02/2018 20:58

You're not respecting his personal decision? What about him respecting yours?

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 14/02/2018 20:59

Not all kids inherit everything. My dad is 5’5 my Mum too but I’m 5’6 and my brother is 6’2.
My mum started puberty aged 11 I started aged 14.
Everyone is different, maybe try and explain this to him.

Mrsmadevans · 14/02/2018 21:01

Aw bless him he sounds as if he has very low self esteem. Can you shelf the baby talk for a while to get to the bottom of this with him , I hope he is ok OP Good Luck my dear.

Pixiedust1973 · 14/02/2018 21:03

Sounds like he simply doesn't want kids & is fobbing you off with a ridiculous excuse tbh! I'm so sorry! Flowers

GnotherGnu · 14/02/2018 21:15

He probably needs advice from a geneticist about how likely it is that children will inherit his characteristics. Were other people in his family the same? Are his worries confined to boys, given that small girls are less likely to be bullied for being small?

Proudauntie1 · 14/02/2018 21:20

Please forgive me if this has already been said, I'm so tired I can barely see the writing. Starting puberty a bit late and being short isn't a reason not to have kids with your wife, however if he just doesn't want biological children because he's kids might get the same symptoms as him (I'm assuming it's not a genetic thing) then that is he's choice but you are definitely not being unreasonable at all imo x