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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset with DP!

60 replies

lostjanni · 14/02/2018 19:45

OK, here goes, first post so please be nice haha.

Been with DP now for 5 years now and mentioned the desire for us to start trying to conceive and then he hits me with a bombshell!
He says when he was younger he was a super late developer like no signs of puberty til 17 and he is also quite small at five foot 5. He says because of this he doesn't want biological kids as he feels 'he will pass this stuff onto the kids' and he doesn't want them to go through the bullying he did.

Am i right to be pissed off? He says we can try other ways surely like sperm donor, adoption etc but i feel like this won't feel like the real deal for him.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Dljlr · 14/02/2018 21:33

My ex came out with shit like this when we had the talk. Eventually decided he did want a child (I did not push the issue, I had no desire to have a child with a reluctant father). Turns out he just actually didn't want to have kids, and he's a fucking useless 'father' as a consequence (although better since he's had to be, through having our child EOWeekend). My advice would be to either give up on the idea or, if it's important to you that you do have children, leave and find someone who actually shares your desire.

thecuckoosnest · 14/02/2018 21:36

This makes me wonder what else you haven't discussed! OP please don't even consider having children with him until you have really good lines of communication going.

Original poster
lostjanni · 14/02/2018 21:49

To be fair he has had self esteem issues so it could be this playing up again?
He made it clear he wanted kids, he does on my sister's kids but he just doesn't want them biologically. I know I want to be with him so I'm gonna sleep on it but I think if we talk more in the morning it will help.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 14/02/2018 21:55

Wise decision OP , just keep reassuring him you only want his children no one else Good luck .

Original poster
lostjanni · 14/02/2018 21:56

To the poster asking about were other people in his family the same, he doesn't know as he was adopted at birth.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostjanni · 14/02/2018 21:56

Thanks mrsmadevabs Smile

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 14/02/2018 22:23

You are welcome my dear , it seems even more understandable now you say he is adopted . Good luck OP

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/02/2018 12:02

Hi OP, hope you got some sleep.

Re: him being adopted at birth, this may be having a massive impact on his decision - not knowing his genetic/medical/family background etc.

HollyBayTree · 15/02/2018 12:08

he doesn't know as he was adopted at birth

Theres your answer - he doent know who he is.

Original poster
lostjanni · 15/02/2018 23:36

I think it may be having a big affect on it yes. We talked about it last night and have decided to look into sperm banks etc

OP posts:
WS12 · 16/02/2018 01:51

Hearing that he was adopted at birth, I now recon this has more to do with it than worrying that his children will be short.

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/02/2018 06:23

I think the comments that he's being daft about it are really emotionally tone deaf. For him to not want his own biological kids because of these issues indicates to me that he has had a really hard time as a teen, and maybe later and he can't bear the thought of his children going through the same. Reassuring him that you want would be happy to have kids with his genes and getting genetic counselling sounds like a good ideas.

In the end, though, he is right - it is his decision whether to pass on his genes or not. Your conversations need to respect that even as you seek to persuade him that he should do it.

C0untDucku1a · 16/02/2018 06:30

Are you married op? If not are you getting married before ttc?

troodiedoo · 16/02/2018 06:30

He's getting a very hard time here, rather unfairly. Those are valid concerns. I wouldn't just dismiss his feelings. Counselling might help you both figure it out.

CheeseGirl4 · 16/02/2018 06:46

I understand the damage this has done to his self esteem, but I think you'd be jumping the gun a little bit making a decision not to have children because of this.

A quick Google search has shown that delayed puberty MIGHT be hereditary, there are many, many other causes so his future children may not even be affected. If they ARE affected, treatment will have moved on a lot in the years since he went through puberty until your child is an adolescent. Is it worthwhile seeing a geneticist about whether his condition is/ was hereditary?

LemonShark · 16/02/2018 07:11

"14/02/2018 20:15 WS12

Tell him what he's saying is absolutely crazy. You love him and want to have children WITH him and by that you mean his sperm and your egg no a donors!! Also remind him sons always grow taller than their fathers 👍"

lol sorry but this made me laugh. Imagining a crazy tall master race of human men who only ever grow taller with every single generation! Given that that hasn't happened and we're not massively taller then we were several generations or hundreds of years ago I'm calling bullshit on this :)

Broken11Girl · 16/02/2018 07:33

I'd be concerned about his MH if he feels that much self-loathing. That is what bullying does to people.

Leilaniiii · 16/02/2018 07:36

I have two ex-boyfriends who were < 5 ft 5 in and they were both extremely popular, successful and (in spite of both being also quite ugly) never without a gorgeous girlfriend.

Sorry, but your OH is talking utter shite.

Leilaniiii · 16/02/2018 07:37

... oh, and neither were bullied. As I said, both were very popular. One ended up being a drummer in a famous band and the other grew up to make documentaries.

Broken11Girl · 16/02/2018 07:41

OP said he was bullied ^ aren't you lovely.

Broken11Girl · 16/02/2018 07:44

Oh just saw he's adopted as well. He needs MH help, OP, encourage him to go to the GP and look into private therapy options if you can afford it.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/02/2018 07:45

He needs counselling, not to investigate sperm banks.

hesterton · 16/02/2018 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scribblegirl · 16/02/2018 07:50

The adoption thing is a big issue and I reckon a lot of it is tied up there.

I have to admit both DP and I (normal weights as adults) both were very podgy at 12 - 15 and I do worry about how screwed our kids will be! But no way on earth would I consider having kids that weren't genetically ours if that were possible.

I wonder whether, if he had a happy adoption experience, he just doesn't feel that being genetically related is important?

Shortfatandangry · 16/02/2018 07:50

To be fair, whether his reasons are lame or not is kind of moot. He doesn't want biological children but is open to other avenues. If you had said to him that you didn't want children because (insert reason here) and he told you that you were being stupid and that your reasons were nonsense, how would you feel? Sorry, but he has rights over his body too the same way women do.