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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ditched as a bridesmaid

53 replies

Imsickandtired · 14/02/2018 18:17

I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid for a very good friend however today she told me she is considering dropping me from being a bridesmaid. I can't go to her hen do due to money and health reason and today she has told me that because she loves me she is deciding if I should be her bridesmaid or do her wedding cake (I offered to do her cake to save her money because I was her friend) but now she is saying because of my health she is no longer convinced I can be a bridesmaid and make her cake. She is saying it would be better for me to let her decide which one she wants. She constantly reiterated the fact this was all to do with me and my health and how she wants me to be OK. I explained that I could do both as the cake will be done over numerous days prior to the wedding. She says she isn't pushing me out because I'll still have some photos taken with her but I feel like I've been kicked in the teeth. AIBU to no longer want to do her wedding cake? I feel like she is pushing me out so why should I help with her cake. In fact I'm considering not going at all to the wedding. Another bridesmaid has said she cannot go on the hen do but she can still be a bridesmaid, this confims she is purely kicking me out based on my health. I don't know how to react to all of this. Any advice please?

OP posts:

Eliza9917 · 14/02/2018 18:20

Maybe she's trying to think of you and make things easier for you so you don't have to worry about whether you'll be well enough. It doesn't sound like she's done this in a bitchy way, more out of class verb for you.

Eliza9917 · 14/02/2018 18:20

Class verb? Concern!

Whocansay · 14/02/2018 18:21

She is trying to manipulate you into going on the hen do. Tell her to do one and definitely don't make the cake.

She doesn't sound like a good friend, I'm not sure I'd bother going to the wedding at all and save myself a lot of cash.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2018 18:21

Sounds awful, how serious is your health condition, mabey it's genuine concern if your health is quite bad. Really she should let you decide. My BM just fallen pregnant when I asked her, ment she would be 8 months by the time of my wedding. I just let her decide.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2018 18:23

Mabey she is worried you might not be able to do her cake because of your health, or you might find it too much stress.

Loonoon · 14/02/2018 18:26

It's sad for you but if it's her wedding I guess she can decide. Some brides worry a lot about the 'big day' and I guess maybe worrying that your health might interfere with the finishing of the cake or your full participation on the day is an added anxiety she can do without.

Offering to make the cake was a lovely gesture - if you withdraw it at any point it will confirm her belief that you are not well enough to have these extra burdens. And would you really not go to the wedding? That could well end your very good friendship. Your feelings obviously run very deep about this and if it means so much to you as a bridesmaid it probably means even more to her so I hope you can resolve this together.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 14/02/2018 18:26

If it was done out of concern for you surely she'd let you decide what you thought you could manage? Instead of telling you what you could do

If you've explained it to her that it feels like you're being pushed out and she still persists then yes it sounds very manipulative.

I'd say thanks for the kind offer. Perhaps doing the cake was too much for you after all. and thank her for taking that duty back

MrsBertBibby · 14/02/2018 18:27

If she ditches you as bridesmaid, do the cake, but fuck it up. Subtly, but unmistakably

CotswoldStrife · 14/02/2018 18:27

Hard to tell from the info that you have given OP, but do you have any past history of dropping out of things at short notice because of the health issues?

Snowydaysarehere · 14/02/2018 18:29

I would make her cake with Pedigree Chum filling.

Dozer · 14/02/2018 18:29

Tell her that she’s right and you would like not to do the cake after all, thanks for her concern, but would still like to be bridesmaid if she still wishes. Puts ball back in her court.

Wornoutbear · 14/02/2018 18:30

I don't like this bit - She is saying it would be better for me to let her decide which one she wants - so she's going to decide what's best for you? No - you decide, and I agree with a pp who says shes trying to manipulate you

CotswoldStrife · 14/02/2018 18:31

I wouldn't deliberately mess up her cake though, that would make you look unhinged!

Fishface77 · 14/02/2018 18:32

Just say
“actually your right! I don’t think I’m up to either of the roles so I’ll just be a valued guest!
Thanks so much! Your such a good friend!”

Bambamber · 14/02/2018 18:32

I would tell her to stick the cake where the sun don't shine. It should be up to you, you know your health better than she does. She thinks your well enough to do the cake but not be a bridesmaid? What a crock of shit. I would have said to you not to worry about the cake to enable you to still be a bridesmaid!

JackmanAdmirer · 14/02/2018 18:33

no, no, no, no, no!
Don't do the cake! Cheeky fucker!

ShiftyMcGifty · 14/02/2018 18:34

If you really are dropping out of a hen do for health reasons (and not just mainly money reasons) then the bride is perfectly justified in not wanting to have count on you to do a wedding cake or any other things she’d hope her bridesmaids would do for the wedding.

inkandstone · 14/02/2018 18:34

Yes, I like MrsBertBibby's suggestion.

FancyNewBeesly · 14/02/2018 18:35

Pfft.

If she were so worried about your health, she’d tell you not to worry about the cake (as I know making wedding cakes is utterly exhausting, as a disabled former cake decorator myself!) so you will have all your energy saved for the big day.

Atalune · 14/02/2018 18:38

I thinkuoir bride is trying to help you. You should listen to her.

What are your health reasons?

I honestly think your friend is trying to be kind to you. And the fact that she doesn’t kicked out the other bridesmaid who can’t attend the hen do confirms that for me.

Can you tell us a bit more?

I really think she’s trying to be kind.

Don’t make the cake if you would rather not but don’t fuck it up out of spite.

FancyNewBeesly · 14/02/2018 18:39

She’s trying to be kind? Bollocks. If she were being kind she’d get someone else to make her cake.

maddening · 14/02/2018 18:40

I would tell her being a bm would be better health wise than the cake making

Cuppaoftea · 14/02/2018 18:40

What a surprise it will be when she decides for your benefit to stop her looking bad for dropping you as bridesmaid while being cheeky enough to still want a free wedding cake she decides it's best for your health if you just make her cake.

YANBU.

FancyNewBeesly · 14/02/2018 18:40

She’s worried you’ll be so exhausted from the cake making that you either won’t come to the wedding or you’ll be too tired or unwell to participate - in which case, the kind thing to do would be to take the more exhausting task off your hands and still let you be bridesmaid

dustarr73 · 14/02/2018 18:42

I would tell her you are doing neither.Take back some control.Who needs friends like that.

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