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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ditched as a bridesmaid

53 replies

Imsickandtired · 14/02/2018 18:17

I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid for a very good friend however today she told me she is considering dropping me from being a bridesmaid. I can't go to her hen do due to money and health reason and today she has told me that because she loves me she is deciding if I should be her bridesmaid or do her wedding cake (I offered to do her cake to save her money because I was her friend) but now she is saying because of my health she is no longer convinced I can be a bridesmaid and make her cake. She is saying it would be better for me to let her decide which one she wants. She constantly reiterated the fact this was all to do with me and my health and how she wants me to be OK. I explained that I could do both as the cake will be done over numerous days prior to the wedding. She says she isn't pushing me out because I'll still have some photos taken with her but I feel like I've been kicked in the teeth. AIBU to no longer want to do her wedding cake? I feel like she is pushing me out so why should I help with her cake. In fact I'm considering not going at all to the wedding. Another bridesmaid has said she cannot go on the hen do but she can still be a bridesmaid, this confims she is purely kicking me out based on my health. I don't know how to react to all of this. Any advice please?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2018 18:44

I think if she were a friend, she'd find another cake maker and have you as her bridesmaid because you're her friend. It has nothing to do with concern for your health; if she really cared she'd give you the choice.

She's dropped you because you're not going to the hen do. Making a cake is more tiring than being a bridesmaid. Not really a friend in my book, sorry.

Pumpkintopf · 14/02/2018 18:44

Tell her that she’s right and you would like not to do the cake after all, thanks for her concern, but would still like to be bridesmaid if she still wishes. Puts ball back in her court.

This.

seven201 · 14/02/2018 18:44

But being a bridesmaid is stress free except for planning hen do's. All you have to do is get ready together, maybe look after the bride's bag for the day... It's a load of bollocks what she's saying. If you don't want to make the cake then politely pull out of that. Are you kicking up a fuss about bm dress or anything?

Atalune · 14/02/2018 18:45

Is she a nice friend otherwise?

Do you think she cares about you?

On the face of it I think it could be seen as shitty, but if she’s sound most of the time then maybe she is trying to have your best interests at heart.

Try to see the best in her.

There are a lot of people who want to see the worst in people and that’s the easy thing to do.

ExFury · 14/02/2018 18:45

If it was genuine concern about you then she'd get someone else to do her cake and badge it as wanting you on top form for the wedding.

Ditching someone as a bridesmaid (when a bridesmaid can, if you let them, simply turn up on the day, look good and support you if you are nervy in the morning) for health reasons, but ask them to make your wedding cake is a total contradiction.

Atalune · 14/02/2018 18:45

I’ve been a bridesmaid twice and it was hugely busy and full on and I would refuse the next person who asks!

Atalune · 14/02/2018 18:47

I can see both sides of this TBH.

It does seem suss.

What did you say to her?

mumzuki · 14/02/2018 18:49

I'm with Atalune - being a bridesmaid is fricking awful. Thank your lucky stars you've escaped, wear a lovely dress that actually suits you to the wedding, relax and have fun. Try not to be too obviously amused by watching the remaining bridesmaids carrying out tedious tasks and errands all day.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2018 18:56

Definitely don’t do the cake. Cheeky mare.

If you duck out of going to the wedding all together it might be end of the friendship. Is that what you’d be telling her?

I’m quite confused that two of the bridesmaids are missing the hen do due to cost. Weren’t you involved in arranging and planning it? How many is she having? Didn’t you know what the hen do was going to involve?

Being asked to be a BM is lovely. Doing it can be a load of fucking hassle. I’m doing it again in the summer and I’m already weary of the endless messages about the whole thing. That’s with a relatively sane good natured bride and it’s still not a walk in the park.

billybagpuss · 14/02/2018 18:57

This feels horrible, I know, I was due to be my childhood friend's bridesmaid (21 years ago, still hurts) Her mum was making the dresses, excellent seamstress she made mine when I got married we were that close.

I was going to be 3 months pregnant at the time of the wedding and I was told they couldn't have me as bridesmaid as I was pregnant and they couldn't afford the extra material. I was not showing at all and as a first baby was unlikely to be showing at all for the wedding. I was absolutely gutted. Went to the wedding, read a poem, felt shit throughout the whole thing. She divorced 2 years later and now we have just drifted apart and I never see her.

I do feel for you. Hold your head high and try not to feel too used. xx

borlottibeans · 14/02/2018 18:57

Even if she is genuinely doing it out of concern this sounds like patronising bollocks to me.

If I were her and worried your health might not allow you to do both but you insisted you were fine, I'd make it clear it was ok to change your mind nearer the time and quietly make contingency plans just in case (i.e. backup cake).

I wouldn't push you out "for your own good" and I wouldn't act as though I was doing you a favour by allowing you to make me a cake, WTF.

billybagpuss · 14/02/2018 18:58

I remember sobbing my eyes out after the phone call AND I still had to pay her for the bridesmaids shoes.

RidingWindhorses · 14/02/2018 19:00

I don't think she's handled this well but I think with a wedding you need to be sure that you can rely on your bridesmaids to be ok and not have to worry about them. If you agree to do both and then couldn't do one for health reasons - it would fuck up the wedding. She may be worrying about this and feel like she doesn't want the stress of worrying if you will be ok on top of wedding stress.

I was ill when I was younger and I refused requests to be a bridesmaid because of it. I didn't want to let anyone down nor give the bride extra stress.

RadioGaGoo · 14/02/2018 19:01

Sounds like she's more worried about the cake than anything else. A good friend would say forget the cake and concentrate on being a bridesmaid.

RidingWindhorses · 14/02/2018 19:02

I feel you have health problems it's quite enough just to turn up to the wedding without all the extra things on top.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/02/2018 19:11

Sounds to me like she wants to ditch you but not lose the offer of a free cake.

Tell her that you agree your health must come first so you have booked a holiday over the period of her wedding so she needs to find someone else to do the cake.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/02/2018 19:14

Mind if I ask what your health problems are? Just wondering if that would shed any light on her attitude towards you.

inkandstone · 14/02/2018 19:15

Was she going to pay you for the cake?

MillennialFalcon · 14/02/2018 19:19

Offering to make the cake was doing her a favour, it shouldn't be used as an excuse to exclude you from the wedding party. Surely if she really cared and was concerned about your health then she would rather you were a bridesmaid than made the cake? And she should ask you what you feel up to rather than making assumptions. It's rude for her to expect that she can exclude you from the bridal party but still get a freebie.

eddielizzard · 14/02/2018 19:31

it would be better for me to let her decide which one she wants. She constantly reiterated the fact this was all to do with me and my health and how she wants me to be OK.

well in that case tell her you won't do the cake, but you're happy to be a bridesmaid. then she'll look a right arse saying no, she wants you to do the cake. but it's so much work! and you're so ill!

she's being an idiot. sorry you're not well. Flowers

nNina22 · 14/02/2018 19:32

I was uninvited from my future sister-in-law's wedding because I had recently had a miscarriage and, in her words 'it will put the mockers on my wedding' . She told everyone there that I hadn't come because my dd was unwell (a lie). I was too upset to say anything but it eats me up to this day.
Stupid me went along with it at the time because I didn't want to show her up - misplaced loyalty and lack of assertiveness. I'm sure if my brother had known he would have overruled her.

LagunaBubbles · 14/02/2018 19:34

It would all depend on what your health problems are, it's hard to tell if she's taking the piss or is genuinely concerned for you.

GertNBert · 14/02/2018 19:42

I think the easiest thing to do and the least likely to cause any drama is to say that you would rather not be a BM and that you don't want to make the cake. Then you can not worry about it and can just go along as a guest. You will find out how genuine she is by how she treats you in future.

It's easier to decline now than later.

SecretsRsecrets · 14/02/2018 19:46

This reminds me of the thread where the gal wasn't invited (after a save the date card), but was asked to decorate the hall for the 'other' guests.

OP if you were my friend, my priority would be for you to be standing next to me as a bride's maid, I wouldn't give a tinker's damn about the cake! The friendship is the precious part in moments like a wedding.

After those comments by the bride, I'd say OP do what makes you happy and bugger the damn cake. Flowers

blackchina · 14/02/2018 19:49

What @fishface77 said

Just say
“actually your right! I don’t think I’m up to either of the roles so I’ll just be a valued guest!
Thanks so much! Your such a good friend!”

Play her at her own sneaky game!

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