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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP needs to be a lot stronger with EXW?

93 replies

OnTheBeaches · 13/02/2018 17:30

Ok, so this might be long as I don't want to dripfeed. It's been prompted by something that happened last night, but I feel it points to bigger issues, and has left me wondering if DP really needs to grow a set of balls.

We are both divorced, I have 1DC and he has 2 (19 and 16). His EXW has been a nightmare ever since left her nearly 3 years ago (before I met him, I hasten to add). We have been together for just over a year. His children don't talk to him as ex wife has made it her business to avenge him for leaving her (there was no one else, they just had a shit marriage, she was emotionally abusive to him for years and he finally got the courage to leave). She has been extremely destructive since finding out that he was dating again...there have been death threats (seriously, she said she was going to hire a hitman), awful phone calls where she has hysterically bawled at him for hours at a time. This is still happening nearly 3 years later, and as far as I can see she hasn't moved on at all.
He takes all this shit as he retains some hope of having a relationship with his children again and feels the only way to do that is to take the calls and to take the abuse. Against the advice of his solicitor he gave her 70% of the assets in the financial settlement in the hope that it would help matters with the children. Of course it didn't change anything. She hates him and wants the kids to hate him too. I dread to think the effect this may have on them long term.
At the start of our relationship I stayed out of it all and didn't get involved as it wasn't my place or business, but it's becoming increasingly difficult not to when these almost weekly phone calls upset him for days, his children's atttitides and allegiance with their mother kills him and their belief in the lies she tells means that they now hate me too (she is spreading about lies that we had been having an affair all along which is absolute nonsense as I didn't even know him when he was with her). The threats also now are made against me, rude comments and nastiness, telling him he was a shit dad and a horrible person for leaving her, that everyone hates him and he deserves to die (totally insane behaviour). Generally it just feels like she rules us from afar, and we are never free from the shadow she casts.

My real issue is that he has taken a line of appeasement with this up to now, and puts up with all the abuse, it seems to be the way it was in his marriage too and I personally think his ex has mental health issues. To begin with I didn't realise what she was like and agreed that he should try to be nice to her and to foster a good relationship, as I thankfully have with my ex. But due to everything that's gone on in the last year I have radically changed my opinion and am now beginning to see him as weak, taking all this crap from her and not having a backbone to fight back. It hasn't worked so far and I think he needs to radically change tack. His children at this point don't really want to see him or talk to him and barely respond to texts, they are being fed complete propaganda by his exw. I don't really know what he should do, but it's really getting me down and beginning to affect our relationship, which is otherwise great.

The last straw was last night when we were out with my dc as we are away for half term. She called him and he stepped out of the coffee shop to take her call. He was gone for an hour. I didn't make a big deal of it when he returned as he was upset. We were just getting ready to leave as we had a dinner reservation, and she called again. He stepped out. Me and dc walked slowly to the restaurant and arrived. DP didn't arrive for another 40 minutes by which time I was getting upset and annoyed, dc was hungry and it was extremely embarrassing in the restaurant. She was just on the phone to have a go at him for being in contact with the children and not telling her first (they are 19 and 16). He was on the phone listening to her abuse for nearly 2 hours while me and dc sat around and waited.

I want to be supportive but I just don't know what to do anymore and am really worried about this continuing and potentially driving me and DP apart. AIBU for wishing he would grow a set of balls and tell her to eff off?

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2018 09:31

I agree Sundays, you need to grow a backbone, and stand up for you and your ds.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 14/02/2018 09:32

Oh... and forgot to say, if he cannot put down the phone on his exes, he would hardly had the guts to pick up the phone to put a legal fight on the basis of parental alienation.

ScattyCharly · 14/02/2018 09:35

There has to be more to it. Are you sure he actually left her 3 years ago?

I’d be wanting out. Something doesn’t add up.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 14/02/2018 09:49

You can’t make other people change they do it when they are ready and wanting to

You can change and he might realise what he is losing and make changes but then again he might not

But why waste your energy is what you should be asking yourself

LuluJakey1 · 14/02/2018 09:58

We have a friend - older than us- whose marriage broke up 15 years ago. He has since met someone else and they have been together 12 years. His wife - still his wife because she will not agree the divorce financial agreement - still lives in the family home and he still pays the whole mortgage! She tells anyone who will listen about how weak and shit he is. The two children, now adults, see him regularly but the son said to me recently 'We don't see much of him'. He has been a supportive dad- financially, emotionally and physically in as much as he has been allowed to be. Both children have lived with him when they fell out with their mum, he took them on holidays every year, sorted out the son's teenage criminal spree.
Wife gave up work when she was 50. Has sat around doing nothing ever since. Lives off a work pension and pays nothing for a 5 bed house she lives in alone.
He has been a wimp but has just not wanted to upset her becase of what she says to the children. House has been on market for years and has finally sold. She wants 70% of the money and part of his pension pot. Quite amazing really.
I have not been able to stay friends with her because of how she has behaved.

TeasndToast · 14/02/2018 10:00

I’m sure she’d have a whole different side to the story. The ‘she’s bitter since he dumped her, she’s mentally ill, kids are brainwashed ’ is the universal bullshit fed to new girlfriends about ex wives I’m afraid. You may be right OP but the two hour phone calls he has out of earshot and grown children who are ‘brainwashed’ doesn’t add up. At all.

He is too caught up in this to prioritise you I’m afraid.

SavageBeauty73 · 14/02/2018 10:08

I don't like my ex. He was incredibly abusive. I have the occasional text with him. He contacts my 15 and 12 year olds if he wants to see them (rarely).

NO WAY would I have 2 hour phone conversations with him. It all sounds very bizarre.

Birdsgottafly · 14/02/2018 10:55

You are enabling this and you're dragging your DS into it, because you are putting up with anything to keep hold of him.

I agree with what others are saying about teens not beungcthat easy manipulated. My Aunt was branded a 'nutter' by my Uncle and some if our side of the family, she didn't behave great when they split, which was used as proof. I've since met up with my Cousins and She was reacting to how he had treated her.

He might be wrapped up in the drama of it all, people fall into patterns of behavior, but he isn't doing it for his children. Are his children witnessing the phonecalls from their end? If these phone calls are keeping their Mother trapped in the time if the breakup instead of moving on, he's doing his children no favours.

Stop enabling all this and stop allowing him o treat you and your DS so badly.

Original poster

OnTheBeaches · 14/02/2018 12:08

Thanks for all your replies. Lots of helpful advice. I actually showed DP this thread, he wasn't so keen on the LTB advice, lol! We had a long chat about it all and how this impacts on our life together, he agrees that our life is the priority here, not the exw, and that these abusive calls and texts have to stop, it hasn't helped with his children anyway, and clear boundaries are now needed. We're going to work together on this, it's a tough situation when all he's doing is trying to be a good dad in the face of a completely batshit bitter ex, but sometimes you have to know where to draw the line. Sometimes you also need to see it in black and white to appreciate the objective reality of the situation.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2018 13:14

That's good, I hope he grows a backbone and starts setting firm boundaries.

Belindabauer · 14/02/2018 13:34

Why is he speaking to her on the phone?
I don't ring my ex.
It was incredibly rude of him to leave you waiting like that.
He should communicate only via email and only about the dc

WhataLovelyPear · 14/02/2018 13:36

It sounds like you and he have a good relationship.
Good luck to both of you 🙂

Coco30 · 14/02/2018 13:42

He needs to block her completely. They are old enough to have a relationship with their Dad themselves.
I think you need to point out to him that him putting up with this for three years hasnt changed a thing, His kids are against him and will carry on being so.

cestlavielife · 14/02/2018 13:49

My dd has been arran ging contac t with her dad since age 13. I have no need to tslk to ex or be involved. Dd checks if anythi g arranged etc.other dd has chosen no contact .
Your p has zero reason to speak to his ex. He chooses to.

MyBoysAndI · 14/02/2018 13:56

So what is your joint plan of action? You say you're going to work on it, well you need to make decisions now ready for the next phone call. Otherwise it will come and DP will be weak and pathetic and listen for the next 2 hours again

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 14/02/2018 20:51

Oh... and forgot to say, if he cannot put down the phone on his exes, he would hardly had the guts to pick up the phone to put a legal fight on the basis of parental alienation.

Tistheseason17 · 14/02/2018 21:02

I look forward to a future update where he has put th5d phone down on her or refused her call. Good luck

MyBoysAndI · 15/02/2018 06:29

I'm not convinced there will be any. Not because the OP hasn't updated but because nothing has changed

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