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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP needs to be a lot stronger with EXW?

93 replies

OnTheBeaches · 13/02/2018 17:30

Ok, so this might be long as I don't want to dripfeed. It's been prompted by something that happened last night, but I feel it points to bigger issues, and has left me wondering if DP really needs to grow a set of balls.

We are both divorced, I have 1DC and he has 2 (19 and 16). His EXW has been a nightmare ever since left her nearly 3 years ago (before I met him, I hasten to add). We have been together for just over a year. His children don't talk to him as ex wife has made it her business to avenge him for leaving her (there was no one else, they just had a shit marriage, she was emotionally abusive to him for years and he finally got the courage to leave). She has been extremely destructive since finding out that he was dating again...there have been death threats (seriously, she said she was going to hire a hitman), awful phone calls where she has hysterically bawled at him for hours at a time. This is still happening nearly 3 years later, and as far as I can see she hasn't moved on at all.
He takes all this shit as he retains some hope of having a relationship with his children again and feels the only way to do that is to take the calls and to take the abuse. Against the advice of his solicitor he gave her 70% of the assets in the financial settlement in the hope that it would help matters with the children. Of course it didn't change anything. She hates him and wants the kids to hate him too. I dread to think the effect this may have on them long term.
At the start of our relationship I stayed out of it all and didn't get involved as it wasn't my place or business, but it's becoming increasingly difficult not to when these almost weekly phone calls upset him for days, his children's atttitides and allegiance with their mother kills him and their belief in the lies she tells means that they now hate me too (she is spreading about lies that we had been having an affair all along which is absolute nonsense as I didn't even know him when he was with her). The threats also now are made against me, rude comments and nastiness, telling him he was a shit dad and a horrible person for leaving her, that everyone hates him and he deserves to die (totally insane behaviour). Generally it just feels like she rules us from afar, and we are never free from the shadow she casts.

My real issue is that he has taken a line of appeasement with this up to now, and puts up with all the abuse, it seems to be the way it was in his marriage too and I personally think his ex has mental health issues. To begin with I didn't realise what she was like and agreed that he should try to be nice to her and to foster a good relationship, as I thankfully have with my ex. But due to everything that's gone on in the last year I have radically changed my opinion and am now beginning to see him as weak, taking all this crap from her and not having a backbone to fight back. It hasn't worked so far and I think he needs to radically change tack. His children at this point don't really want to see him or talk to him and barely respond to texts, they are being fed complete propaganda by his exw. I don't really know what he should do, but it's really getting me down and beginning to affect our relationship, which is otherwise great.

The last straw was last night when we were out with my dc as we are away for half term. She called him and he stepped out of the coffee shop to take her call. He was gone for an hour. I didn't make a big deal of it when he returned as he was upset. We were just getting ready to leave as we had a dinner reservation, and she called again. He stepped out. Me and dc walked slowly to the restaurant and arrived. DP didn't arrive for another 40 minutes by which time I was getting upset and annoyed, dc was hungry and it was extremely embarrassing in the restaurant. She was just on the phone to have a go at him for being in contact with the children and not telling her first (they are 19 and 16). He was on the phone listening to her abuse for nearly 2 hours while me and dc sat around and waited.

I want to be supportive but I just don't know what to do anymore and am really worried about this continuing and potentially driving me and DP apart. AIBU for wishing he would grow a set of balls and tell her to eff off?

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 13/02/2018 19:46

Get him a second phone and number. Keep the original for his ex and kids and when you are going out, turn this one off and leave it at home. And then just keep the other phone for everyone else.

Or as someone else has suggested, tell her he will no longer talk to her on the phone and she should contact via email.

She sounds fucking batshit though.

PandaPieForTea · 13/02/2018 19:58

MycatsaPirate is right. Either he goes down the two phone route or he just turns off the one phone he has when he’s out with you.

Chattette1 · 13/02/2018 20:10

I think your instincts about him having no backbone are correct. It's up to him if he wants to prioritise listening to her ranting over spending time with his new partner. Leaving you in a restaurant for that amount of time is appalling behaviour- he's being a doormat for her and you're being one for him.

I know he's probably trying to keep a relationship with her so he has access to his children but they're not young he can bypass her and if she gets annoyed tough shit. I think you need to have a full and frank conversation with him and remind him who he's actually in a relationship with.

OnTheRise · 13/02/2018 20:14

I don't spend more than a few minutes on the phone when I'm talking to people I like. I certainly wouldn't spend an hour or so on a phone call when the person on the other end of the line was abusing me.

OP, you need to stop waiting around for him when he's on the phone. Tell him, just once, that you're not going to wait for him anymore and then stick to that. If you're on your way to dinner when he takes one of those phone calls, go and eat your dinner without him. If you're in a cafe, have your coffee without him and then go off shopping or whatever. Don't hang around.

You could talk to him about setting appropriate boundaries with her. It sounds as though he needs to do that. But it's up to him to set those boundaries, just as it's up to you to set your boundaries with him.

I'm sorry, but he doesn't sound like he's terribly invested in his relationship with you.

crimsonlake · 13/02/2018 21:52

I am confused as you say he takes the abuse from his ex to salvage a relationship with his children. However you also say he no longer has a relationship with them. If that is the case there is no reason to keep in contact with his ex. I wonder if he is being entirely honest with you over this as the children are of an age where they can decide for themselves if they want to pursue a relationship with him.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/02/2018 21:59

He really doesn’t need to speak to her at all . The kids are almost adults ! He could just have text message and email

There is still some wierd twisted bond there isn’t there ?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/02/2018 22:06

And why would him not answering the phone to her lead to his kids being estranged ? There is something fucked up here . And something about the end of their relationship you maybe don’t know about

I would do some detective work personally

How often does he see his kids normally ?

Sorry Op but there is something very bonded abiut having a 2 hour call

He needs to learn about boundaries

ShapelyBingoWing · 13/02/2018 22:15

Well him putting up with these hours long phone calls isn't actually making him any headway with his kids, is it? So it really isn't about them.

I'd definitely be wondering if she had something on him.

But as many others have said, there isn't a chance in hell I'd put up with this. And I certainly wouldn't avoid confronting him about it because he's upset. It's his own fault he's upset! He's allowed this dynamic to go on for years after their split and allows it to affect his everyday plans. There isn't a chance he's oblivious to how distressing this must be for you, but he's choosing to ignore that.

I'd be telling him that I suggest he deals with this somehow because the next time he leaves the table for more than 5 minutes to deal with her calls will be the last time you'll be sat at the table waiting.

downtherivertohell · 13/02/2018 22:20

He doesn't need to talk to the ex wife at all! His kids are old enough to have a relationship with him and form opinions of their own. Maybe if your ex steps back from a little while it may make the kids miss him.

The ex only acts like this because your partner is letting her!

snash12 · 13/02/2018 22:25

I really feel for you, your DP and the children involved.

It sounds like his ex is very bitter, the kids are old enough to have contact with their dad without that much input from Mum. Three years together isn’t nothing.

I had a good friend at work whose marriage broke up, his exw is still very angry almost a decade later. People are saying LTB but some ex’s really have no issues with using children as ammo and will drag this on and on. He needs to put a stop to the hour long rants.

Bluelady · 13/02/2018 22:29

I'd be asking him to block her number. There's absolutely no need for them to communicate any more.

aproblemsharedandallthat · 13/02/2018 22:38

Don't give up on him. I was in a similar situation. It caused big arguments between me and my DP. I told him there was no contact needed and I supported him with any messages and texts he would get. He eventually sent a message telling her that there was no need for contact between them and that he wasn't taking her crap anymore. He blocked her on social media, WhatsApp and on his phone. Literally was a weight lifted off our shoulders. She's tried to call him once (it shows in the call log if a blocked caller has called) but that's it. She finally got the message. There is no need for contact, his DC are older and they will soon learn for themselves. If your partner and her don't have any contact she'll run out of things to say to others, eventually. Best thing you can do is support him and find things for you all to do as a family, once he had ended contact. We came out the other side and I'm so glad we got through it. It was just a shame that she nearly broke us but it is what it took for us to kick her out of our lives.

Good luck Smile

cherryontopp · 13/02/2018 23:00

  1. he doesnt need contact from her, kids are old enough

  2. he needs to block her and end her abuse

  3. if shes poisoning the kids minds already what's he putting up with the abuse for?

He needs to speak to his nearly adult children and let them knowhe loves them but he won't be answering the phone to their mother again as shes bullying him.
If they decide to see him great if not he'll have to live in hope theyll realise what shes like when theyre slightly older.

If not, I would leave him. Your life your relationship revolve round her when hes kids are adults!

Karigan1 · 13/02/2018 23:07

I admire his attitude but being polite for the kids is entirely different to spending 2 hrs being a verbal punch bag.

He chooses to answer the phone to her which is understandable but not allowing her to keep him on the line for that long whilst y

Karigan1 · 13/02/2018 23:10

Oops posted too soon was just about to rewrite last bit to say you need to explain to him that when he allows her to keep him talking for that longwith you waiting he is in essence putting her first. He needs to shut her down when necessary and you can still do that and be polite.

She’s currently still pulling strings there

WhataLovelyPear · 14/02/2018 08:16

Sorry I disappeared last night - suddenly realised I had to be somewhere and ran!

It sounds like your DP is a lovely man, and he's living by his code of being nice. Trouble is, his ex is totally taking advantage, to your detriment. Don't give up on him, but do help him see that his being nice and polite to her means she just takes and takes and continues to abuse him. Maybe read up on abusive relationships too.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 14/02/2018 08:24

Not ready for a new relationship at all. He needs to move from his current one before he attempts one with you.

The problem is not the ex wife, the problem is that you are already loosing respect for him, getting protective and little by little taking a motherly figure with him that is going to kill your relationship.

I would leave now, I am pretty sure that it won’t be long before you are the one shouting at him because he has not managed to grow a pair. (And if after all these years and almost no contact with his children, he is still not saying “enough” there is a very high likelihood he’ll never will.

Thebluedog · 14/02/2018 08:27

You are enabling him I’m afraid buy being so passive with his, yes HIS behaviour. I understand why you’d do it initially, but he’s being increasingly disrespectful towards you and your dc. Next time you go for a meal or outing, I’d suggest sitting down and ordering food and finishing and leaving if he’s going to spend all that time on the phone.

He needs to get his priorities straight. There’s no need for him to talk to his ex unless it’s direcrly in regards to his dc. And his DC can talk to him as they are old enough, so unless one of them is in hospital incapable of talking directly to him he needs to disingage with her. Put the phone down, turn it off and enjoy his time with you.

He needs to block her number and give her an email address to use for communication and he needs to make it clear that the dc can contact him at any point. I’m afraid he relationship with them will be damaged wether he talks to her or not.

notapizzaeater · 14/02/2018 08:38

He really needs to man up. He doesn't have to listen to her abuse - I'd just hang up gain and again and again every time she ranted.

BaronessBomburst · 14/02/2018 08:49

I don't understand the claims that she's poisoned the children's minds. The children were 16 and 13 when they split. At that age they were old enough to have had a relationship with their father, and to see the state of the marriage for what it was. My parents could have said anything about each other when I was that age and I would have seen that it was bollocks and mind-games. At that age children can't be brainwashed by one parent. Something was already seriously wrong.
He divorced to be free, yet he hasn't left the relationship. He's got the worst of both worlds.
I would be suspicious about the whole situation to be frank.

abilockhart · 14/02/2018 08:57

The crux of the matter is that he is being completely disrespectful to you by acting in this manner and leaving you waiting in a restaurant. There is no way you should tolerate this behaviour. Do not be a doormat. You are most certainly not his priority.

hettie · 14/02/2018 09:01

He could do with contacting a specialist is parental alienation.

Headofthehive55 · 14/02/2018 09:09

Children of that age make their own minds up. My dneices have chosen not to remain in contact with their dad, whereas he thought they all move on nicely and he'd still get a relationship with them. In 50% of cases it doesn't happen. In our family case he's lost his children and now has never seen his grandchildren. The children are not bothered, but were close to him when he was living at home. His only crime was to leave as he didn't want to remain married. He's obviously bothered, the now grown up kids not.

SundaysFunday · 14/02/2018 09:25

If I were you, I would make it very clear that the next time he takes a phone call from her in my presence the relationship would be over.

He is treating you with complete disregard and disrespect, and you are allowing it. I can not believe you haven't challenged him on this rude behaviour.

He does not need permission to speak to his own children, how preposterous.

He doesn't need contact with her at all, he should block her number.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 14/02/2018 09:30

Can you get teens parentally alienated? Unless they are a bit dim they can see both of their parents for what they are at this age.

And that goes without saying that even in the best parent and child relationships, teenagers want their own space and often prefer to meet with friends and do their own thing rather than spending much time with their parents.