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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed when people say I can have more children.

70 replies

darkriver198868 · 13/02/2018 15:02

Up until April 2017 I was a proud single mother to two daughters. Aged 3 and 6 months. Then my life fell apart. I have suffered from mental illness since I was a teenager due to an incredibly abusive childhood. In April I had a decline in mental health and my children were taken in to care under Voluntary Care Orders. I got them back once my mental health stabilised. They were home for three weeks when I had another break down.
They were taken back into care and the social services sought an ICO. It was granted.
The judge said this wasn’t because I was an abusive parent far from it. Its that I need to get the support to get well. It quickly became clear to me that this wasn’t going to happen overnight and in fact that its most likely to take up to 18 months therapy to start the road to recovery. I learned that the social services were considering adoption for the girls. It quickly became clear to me that this was the best outcome for the girls to have a good stable life. I love my girls but, I just cant offer a life of stability at this moment in time and its not fair to keep them waiting. Therapy is going to difficult and gruelling.
A family has been found for the girls and they will likely begin introductions in May/ June.
Everyone I explain this story to tells me how strong I am. How brave and ultimately I am doing the right thing.
The thing is I am also getting comments like. “You never know what might happen in the future. You might find someone, respond to therapy and be able to be a mum again.”
I don’t want to be a parent again. I don’t want in the off chance that my girls choose to find me when they are older to wonder why I could get well for x and not them.
Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed when someone says that to me?

OP posts:

delilahbucket · 13/02/2018 15:04

Yanbu op and I am so sorry you are going through all of this. What an awful position to be in. You concentrate on getting you better

kimlo · 13/02/2018 15:05

yanbu.

People just don't know what to say when they are faced with a difficult situation. I think they aee trying to be suportive.

But actually they are being arses.

beluga425 · 13/02/2018 15:06

elliejjtiny · 13/02/2018 15:08

Yanbu. I'm so sorry this is happening op and that you are having to deal with stupid comments as well.

Notevilstepmother · 13/02/2018 15:11

I think they are saying it to try to make you feel better, but obviously it doesn’t.

What I do think is insensitive is saying you could be a mum again.

You are a mum, you are an amazing mum becuase you are putting your children’s needs first and not making life harder for them. Even if you don’t have your children living with you, you are their mum, you gave birth to them and did your best to look after them, you are their mum, and them having another set of parents who look after them becuase you need to get better, doesn’t make you not their mum. Legally someone else might have PR, but you will always be their mum.

alotalotalot · 13/02/2018 15:12

It shows your love for them in that you are looking at what is best for them, rather than looking out for yourself. I think people are trying to give you hope for the future. Well meaning, but off the mark.

It's a pity things don't move faster. Why May/June rather than now? Those few months are crucial when they are so you and could make a huge difference.

YeahILoveSummer · 13/02/2018 15:12

So sorry you are going through. Think people don't know what to say to support you + unfortunately it's the wrong thing

alotalotalot · 13/02/2018 15:13

so young

Original poster

darkriver198868 · 13/02/2018 15:15

@alotalotalot frustratingly even though I informed my solicitor and my the courts 3 months ago that I had made this decision we still have to go through the agonising court process which finishes in three weeks. The judge urged me to think through my position properly.

OP posts:

Original poster

darkriver198868 · 13/02/2018 15:17

The courts not my the courts.

OP posts:

blackteasplease · 13/02/2018 15:19

Yanbu. It's incredible that anyone would say that to you.

alotalotalot · 13/02/2018 15:20

Yes you could regret it I suppose. It's all such a shame - for them and for you.

ginnybag · 13/02/2018 15:22

I agree it's the again that makes it so horrible.

It almost feels like they're saying, well, those ones didn't work out but you can have another go. Of course that's going to be hurtful and rude, particularly when you are making what has to be one of the hardest choices a parent can face.

Your are a mum, you always will be. You're a mum who knows they have to hurt themselves to protect their child, and you're doing that. That's incredibly brave and incredibly selfless, and I hope you do manage to get well and can, maybe, open some sort of relationship with them in the years to come.

OutyMcOutface · 13/02/2018 15:25

YANBU. Oh you're loosing your kids? Don't worry, you can have more! What a ridiculous thing to say..

okeydokeygirl · 13/02/2018 15:32

so sorry you are having to deal with this. You are a mum and always will be. I am sure these people are trying to be helpful but getting it so wrong. You are being the best possible parent by putting your children's needs first. Never forget that. Focus on getting well not these comments. I am sure any good therapist will help you work through these feelings as well as the other trauma's you have experienced. Best wishes.

morningconstitutional2017 · 13/02/2018 15:33

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Could you keep in contact with the children by writing to them on a regular basis via social services? They'll know you haven't abandoned them and that you still love them but just couldn't cope.

Mysideofthings · 13/02/2018 15:35

Did you ever consider people are trying to be nice and supportive in what I imagine would be a difficult conversation to be involved in.

YABU.

soupforbrains · 13/02/2018 15:36

I have no advice to offer, I just wanted to say that YANBU at all I think those people who have said that haven't really thought it through. they have pulled words out of their brains in a panic to try to comfort you through what every human can see is an incredibly incredibly difficult time.

I am so so sorry that you are going through this and I wish you all the very very best with your recovery. I hope you will keep us informed broadly with how you are doing.

Namechangetempissue · 13/02/2018 15:37

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time -YANBU at all. It is insensitive to assume you will just "replace" your girls with new ones once you are in a better place.
I wish you the very best of luck for the future OP

Lostthefairytale · 13/02/2018 15:37

I say this as someone who knows and understands the system. It is extremely unusual to come across a parent who has so much insight and is able to put their children’s needs first in such a difficult and desperate situation. Most people will simply not be able to comprehend how you will be feeling and will have no idea what to say for the best. They aren’t unreasonable for trying to make you feel better. In fact they are saying exactly what a lot of people in your position want to hear. I hope you are able to find some support and some peace.

ohlittlepea · 13/02/2018 15:40

I have no words. I hope you can find some comfort in your pain. xxx

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 13/02/2018 15:41

YANBU. If you're really determined not to have anymore, then get fitted with long-term implants or something, but before even thinking about that, get yourself well. Take the treatment and get well. Write a letter to your children explaining why you felt it best to give them a better home than you could and leave the door open in case they ever want to contact you when they get older. But your main job is getting healthy.

Original poster

darkriver198868 · 13/02/2018 15:43

Hi I will have letterbox contact every 6 months and am writing later in life letters for them to read.

OP posts:

CaMePlaitPas · 13/02/2018 15:47

Sometimes there are no words. You really are brave.

AnachronisticCorpse · 13/02/2018 15:56

Oh my love. You sound like an amazing mother, able to have the clarity to put their needs before yours.

I would be in your situation if it wasn’t for my DH so my heart is hurting for you. I will say that after three years of therapy and finding the right meds my life is a whole lot stabler right now, but I appreciate it wouldn’t be right for your girls to be in FC for that time, especially as they are so young. It’s heartbreaking but you are doing an amazing thing by not fighting it and making the transition as smooth as possible.

FWIW I wouldn’t have more in your situation either, for the reason you gave.

I wish you love and health and happiness for the future. And I also think that if I was your daughter I would understand this as an adult and be grateful.

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