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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed when people say I can have more children.

70 replies

darkriver198868 · 13/02/2018 15:02

Up until April 2017 I was a proud single mother to two daughters. Aged 3 and 6 months. Then my life fell apart. I have suffered from mental illness since I was a teenager due to an incredibly abusive childhood. In April I had a decline in mental health and my children were taken in to care under Voluntary Care Orders. I got them back once my mental health stabilised. They were home for three weeks when I had another break down.
They were taken back into care and the social services sought an ICO. It was granted.
The judge said this wasn’t because I was an abusive parent far from it. Its that I need to get the support to get well. It quickly became clear to me that this wasn’t going to happen overnight and in fact that its most likely to take up to 18 months therapy to start the road to recovery. I learned that the social services were considering adoption for the girls. It quickly became clear to me that this was the best outcome for the girls to have a good stable life. I love my girls but, I just cant offer a life of stability at this moment in time and its not fair to keep them waiting. Therapy is going to difficult and gruelling.
A family has been found for the girls and they will likely begin introductions in May/ June.
Everyone I explain this story to tells me how strong I am. How brave and ultimately I am doing the right thing.
The thing is I am also getting comments like. “You never know what might happen in the future. You might find someone, respond to therapy and be able to be a mum again.”
I don’t want to be a parent again. I don’t want in the off chance that my girls choose to find me when they are older to wonder why I could get well for x and not them.
Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed when someone says that to me?

OP posts:

WildWindsBlowing · 17/02/2018 15:52

YANBU at all.
These people may mean well but could not be more insensitive to you or your DCs.
I am very sorry you have been so unwell and that this has been caused by your own childhood.
What an extraordinarily high price you have had to pay. You are very brave. I pray you will get well.

Daffodils07 · 17/02/2018 15:57

Incredibly the most selfless thing any mother can ever do for their children.
I guess some people might not know what to say and then say things that are inappropriate but ment with the best intentions.
I really hope with time and the right support you are able to get well.

GrouchyKiwi · 17/02/2018 16:01

YADNBU, darkriver. I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you're a wonderful mother for doing what is best for your children.

Take care of yourself, be gentle. I hope your recovery goes well.

Pointlessfacts · 17/02/2018 16:03

Breaks my heart for your children.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.

pallisers · 17/02/2018 16:13

It is extremely unusual to come across a parent who has so much insight and is able to put their children’s needs first in such a difficult and desperate situation.

I agree with this. Also, even if you are unable to rear your children, you are a mother - their mother - and you have done exactly what good mothers do - the very best for your children, even if that means considerable sacrifice. I am an adopted adult who has a deep friendship (in adult life) with my biological mother. My mum and dad were unquestionably my parents but there is room in my life for her too. She did the best she could for me and I understand that. I hope things get easier for you, OP.

bridgetreilly · 17/02/2018 16:14

I am glad you are still going to have some contact with them, and as they get older, it may be possible for that to increase, so that you will always be a part of their lives. You are a mum, you will always be a mum, you will always be their mum, even though you've had to make this incredibly difficult and brave choice for them.

House4 · 17/02/2018 16:16

YANBU it’s very insensitive of them to say this. This is heartbreaking. These are your babies and you will always be their mum. A wonderful mum for putting them first. This must be agonising for you and not many people will understand. Good luck with getting better . I’m so sorry for you. Please come back and keep us updated with how you are getting on x

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2018 16:23

I think long term foster care while you get well should be an option here

You are far too good a mum to not see your children again and you may very well be well enough in 2 years to have them back

I’m a foster carer and I’m really concerned that you think you’re putting them first rather than the three of you getting to have each other when your well

Have you been offered longer term foster care?
for you

x2boys · 17/02/2018 16:26

I think sometimes people are trying to be nice and supportive but it comes out all wrong I have had lots of innapropriate comments from people trying to be kind about my son's disabillities. But yanbu and you are putting your children first

CapnHaddock · 17/02/2018 16:27

I'm so sorry and you have every right to be upset at people making such glib statements.

I hope you are able to find peace

thethoughtfox · 17/02/2018 17:00

People just don't know what to say sometimes so this seems like a kind thing to say. Could you try to see that they are trying - misguidedly - to show they care and feel bad for you.

Ted27 · 17/02/2018 17:02

I'm an adoptive mum, my son was relinquished by his dad when he was four. My son was then in foster care for four years, the decsion was made for adoption after a couple of years.

Has fostering with you maintaing contact not been discussed with you? My son saw his dad through the whole 4 years he was in care.

only you know the extent of your mental health issues, your chances of a complete recovery and what this means for your girls. If you feel that adoption is best for them then you are making a very brave decision.

My son is 13 now, we have had some intensive life story work over the last 18 months. I won't lie to you. He has been angry, grief stricken, it was emotional heart wrenching work. But he is OK. He has come to terms with it. He has a full sibling who stayed with dad so had lots of feelings about being given away. He understands that his dad and his other mum were both unwell, they loved him but they couldn't look after him. He worries about them, he loves his brother, there is no resentment that he got to stay with dad.

Who knows what the future will bring for you. As an adoptive mum, I hope that my son's birth parents can find some happiness and a future. They are still young, in their 30s. I know that birth mum is currently pregnant. I am genuinely pleased for her. I havent told my son yet, but I will in time, with the right support. He will be Ok with it.

With the right support, your girls will understand too. They may have their struggles with it but they will deal with it.
Can I suggest you contact After Adoption who provide support for birth families.
I wish you well in your treatment. In time I hope you will see a positive future for yourself. Whatever the future does hold, your girls are still part of you. You gave birth to them, and that will always be very precious.

Basta · 17/02/2018 17:02

It's not particularly sensitive either way, but do you not think that when people have said that you might "be able to be a mum again" they mean that they hope that, with therapy, you will recover and be able to look after your daughters again? That's how I understood it, rather than implying that you should simply forget about your existing children and try again with another baby.

tictoc76 · 17/02/2018 17:08

Hi - I’m sure you have had plenty of advice and haven’t taken this decision lightly but if you do feel you will be able to get mentally stable would it not be better for your kids to wait for you in foster care rather than being adopted? I really don’t know everything about your situation so maybe there are other reasons but generally it is best for kids to be with their birth parents if at all possible and it would appear you love them and are on your way to improving your health. I say this as an adoptive mother.

WingsOnMyBoots · 17/02/2018 17:10

YANBU but generally I think people are saying this to be kind, to not seem judgemental and to give you hope. I truly think it is with the best intentions. It is hart to know WHAT to say sometimes in these situations. I myself would not say but to be honest it is EXACTLY the sort of thing I would have said in the past, again, thinking I am helping. I have learnt that many of my well-meaning comments have sometimes not been helpful and I've learnt it the hard way, losing or upsetting friends and wondering what on earth I have done. This is what makes me feel it's well-intended but I do get totally where you are coming from.

RainbowQuilter · 17/02/2018 17:32

You are doing so well to have figured it out and to be putting them first even though it breaks your heart.

I have not been through something like that. With other difficult things I've had happen that people have been insensitive about because they didn't know what to say I have found that sometimes it helps things go more smoothly if you can also tell them what responses are helpful and unhelpful. If you can get in first with explaining some people have said that and it is hurtful, and what you need is acceptance this is the best outcome they are less likely to then come out with it anyway.

Original poster

darkriver198868 · 17/02/2018 17:47

It has been raised. My solicitor offered it up as a suggestion at the final hour when I was making the final statement for court. I have thought very long and very hard about this and I know its the right thing for my children.

The social services dont believe I am capable of raising the two girls with inflicting emotional harm. They believe for me to be even competant that I would need 24 hour support at this time and social services cant offer this. I have to be truthful that I struggled to cope with two children. I have very minimal family support for obvious reasons and one friend.

During the 4 months that they were first in care I managed to resolve all the issues. I engaged in therapy, I began the process of dealing with debts. I increased the support circle and started socialising with the children. However in the 3 weeks that they came back I struggled to cope. The day they were removed again, the social services and health visitor spent 3 hours at my home trying to get help.

Also there seems to be a lack of attachment with me and the eldest child. She went in to foster care and never asks about me, never wants to come to contact and calls the foster cares house "Home."

I know that this isnt right and not what I ever wanted.

I just want the children to have a stable, loving and safe home to call theirs. I am not a bad mum just an unwell one who was never taught how to look after herself.

I feel deep down that its the right thing.

OP posts:

MrsExpo · 17/02/2018 17:49

Oh my goodness OP, I have no advice but didn’t want to read and run. Of course you’re not being unreasonable to be annoyed by these remarks. How crass and unthinking of people to say something like that ....... almost as if your DDs are some sort of commodity. Like “oh, you’ve had your car stolen. Never mind, you can get another one ..... “ I’m angry for you to think that, under these painful circumstances anyone could be so thoughtless. I only hope that your recovery goes well. Take care ...... .

Kangar00 · 17/02/2018 17:53

OP do you have any relatives at all who could take them or even adopt them. Family is always prioritized. Adoption will be so final and you won't be able to have contact till they are 18. If there is any way to stop it, you must and also it will mean they know that you did everything you could

PixieCutRegret · 17/02/2018 17:53

YANBU OP. I'm so sorry you are going through this

zippyswife · 17/02/2018 17:54

My heart breaks for you.

You amazingly selfless individual. You may have mental health issues but I’m not certain I could be as selfless brave or strong as you.

It is such a shame that things cannot be turned around as you clearly have amazing qualities.

Original poster

darkriver198868 · 17/02/2018 17:55

No family on my side as they all have contact with my abuser. No family on the fathers side as they are too old. I desperatly wish it was all different but it isnt.

OP posts:

zippyswife · 17/02/2018 17:55

I agree with pp. obviously we don’t know all the circumstances but would it be possible for family to foster/adopt?

GrannyGrissle · 17/02/2018 17:56

GreenSeededGrape · 17/02/2018 17:57

A friend of mine was adopted. When she found her parents tg5ey had gone on to have 3 more dc together when they were older and were still together which was just such a shock to her.

You are very insightful and obviously love your dc.

What a terribly tough situation

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