to be annoyed when people say I can have more children.

[darkriver198868]

Up until April 2017 I was a proud single mother to two daughters. Aged 3 and 6 months. Then my life fell apart. I have suffered from mental illness since I was a teenager due to an incredibly abusive childhood. In April I had a decline in mental health and my children were taken in to care under Voluntary Care Orders. I got them back once my mental health stabilised. They were home for three weeks when I had another break down.
They were taken back into care and the social services sought an ICO. It was granted.
The judge said this wasn’t because I was an abusive parent far from it. Its that I need to get the support to get well. It quickly became clear to me that this wasn’t going to happen overnight and in fact that its most likely to take up to 18 months therapy to start the road to recovery. I learned that the social services were considering adoption for the girls. It quickly became clear to me that this was the best outcome for the girls to have a good stable life. I love my girls but, I just cant offer a life of stability at this moment in time and its not fair to keep them waiting. Therapy is going to difficult and gruelling.
A family has been found for the girls and they will likely begin introductions in May/ June.
Everyone I explain this story to tells me how strong I am. How brave and ultimately I am doing the right thing.
The thing is I am also getting comments like. “You never know what might happen in the future. You might find someone, respond to therapy and be able to be a mum again.”
I don’t want to be a parent again. I don’t want in the off chance that my girls choose to find me when they are older to wonder why I could get well for x and not them.
Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed when someone says that to me?

Oh my God- you are amazing. It is so, so rare in this life that somebody genuinely puts the needs of others' before their own. What an absolutely incredible woman you are xxx

Well it does seem like you have worked this through. I can tell you that as others have said birth parents are not forgotten - for most of us adopters they aren’t talked about regularly and it isn’t a huge comfort to be able to tell adopted children that they were loved and still are.

It seems like social services failed you as a child and you are still suffering as a consequence so take all the help you can get to rebuild your life. Who knows what the future might hold - I know that I fully expect my kids to have some kind of contact with birth family in the future. Unfortunately in our case although we do letterbox twice a year we have not yet had a response so sounds like your kids will be luckier than ours in that aspect.

tictoc76 I learnt that social services had FIVE chances to intervene in my life. Youngest when I was six months and my mother wasnt taking me to hospital appointments. I have complex heart issues on top off the mental health Most I wasn't even aware of. I read in my psychiatric assessment which didn't write me off completely that they were aware of sexual abuse. I have been severally let down.

I fully intend to to keep in contact. I am also planning on turning my life around.

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. You do indeed sound really brave and being as strong as you can. You are definitely BU and I think your current focus is good. I wish you all the best.

You are a wonderful mum.
You're doing your best for your much loved children.
I'm so sorry you've had to go through what you have, and hopefully the future will be brighter for you.

You are really brave.

I actually think a life with you would be WORTH waiting for, for your daughters, if you can see a way to getting to a better place. Please consider it. They only have one birth mum.

I have so many tears and no words for you.

Much love and hopes for you healing soon OP.

YANBU, comments like that are just stupid.

What an amazing thing you are doing for your children, best wishes to you and your children x

Oh darling, with a situation such as yours which is so heartbreaking people really struggle to find the words that they so desperately want to find to make you feel better. They fail because there just aren't adequate words. You are a wonderful mother.

What an incredibly crass thing for people to say - I guess they don’t know how to respond.

I just want to say, I think you are incredible and should be so proud of yourself. To let your girls go because it is the best outcome for them under the circumstances is the most selfless act of maternal love and must be heartbreaking for you. I hope you find good mental health and your girls thrive in their new home.

I think people sometimes struggle to find something useful to say, so end up saying something unthughtful or silly. Try to ignore it. Good luck in your therapy etc.

OP you are amazing

Sometimes I think people say silly things when they don't quite know what to say.

My dp lost his mom and someone said to his nan at her funeral "I guess you can live your life now you don't have to care for her"
I know it stings. But perhaps people aren't overly sure what to say and are looking for ways to comfort. All be it doesn't work.

I hope you find some peace and recovery soon an I hope your girls are ok

I’m so sorry OP I just saw you didn’t have your children whilst you were suffering from severe mental health issues and your health deteriorated after they were born.

Incredibly sorry for my last post, I truly hope you get well soon and your DD’s are happy and healthy. I will report my own post.

OP stay strong.

Some people should read things properly before commenting

snowy

Never made a mistake before have we? Hmm thought not. You can have the face back thanks.

I'm so sorry about your situation. You sound like a great mum and your girls won't forget that.

People can be very insensitive and stay some stupid things, especially when it comes to loss of a child, regardless of circumstances.

FWIW, I think you've made an amazingly selfless and insightful decision based on the long term welfare of your children.

A while ago I watched some (old) documentaries on YouTube about children in care, adoption etc. It broke my heart the number of children who were in limbo in care homes/foster care and who wished their birth parent/s would just relinquish them to the state so they could be adopted into families for a permanent/stable homelife.

I know this must be absolutely heartbreaking for you, but for their sakes, you've made the right decision.

People say the stupidest things, even when they haven’t realised it. Even though it sounds incredibly crass and insensitive, I think it comes from a good place, not that it excuses it but I hope the non malicious intent helps. You’ve made a decision that’s best for your children, there’s no more to add, explain or justify. You can’t change people’s reaction to your situation but you should be more selective who you talk to abou it, in order to reduce the occurrence of these ill thought out remarks happening.