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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed he changed his mind about marriage

56 replies

trippingup · 13/02/2018 14:41

We've been together a year and I've moved in with him and his kids. We fell in love and he was always saying he wanted to marry me - now he says 'never say never' but he doesn't want to get married. I just feel like he gave me false hope. I'd started thinking about what I wanted my wedding to be like and I was excited. It made me feel really secure. I know its not the 'be all and end all' of life but I just feel sad about it. I do a lot for him and his kids and I just think now maybe I should take a step back and do more for myself... like save all my money for myself and not pay for things. He does say we will be together forever and he adores me so maybe I'm being immature and selfish.

OP posts:
OldPony · 13/02/2018 14:42

Umm no. Just leave him, he sounds shit.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/02/2018 14:43

No you’re not being those things - you’re being intelligent and respecting yourself. He lied to you and now you’re on his house helping him look after his kids he withdraws his promise - so casually Angry

It would be a deal breaker for me.

000bourneFarm · 13/02/2018 14:43

Be open to the possibility you are being 'love bombed'.

QuiteLikely5 · 13/02/2018 14:44

Considering you have taken on his baggage I’d be expecting that he held up his end of the bargain!

Otherwise I’d find another child free man to marry

Original poster
trippingup · 13/02/2018 14:46

Thank you for reassuring me that I'm not mad to be sad about this. He wanted me to go to an engagement party of his friends last week... I didn't go and I was honest about why... he knows I'm upset about this.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 13/02/2018 14:47

Move back out. You moved in because you thought he was offerring more commitment than he is, because he lied to you.

Finola1step · 13/02/2018 14:49

So the big promises evaporated once you had moved in. Does he have his kids full time? I'm getting the feeling that you have taken on a big chunk of the housework and childcare duties.

OutyMcOutface · 13/02/2018 14:49

He's taking advantage of you. He wants to use you for sex, baby sitting, money, housework, company etc. But he does actually want to make any real commitments to you. Either get married or leave. Marriage is important to protecting your legal interests, people fall out of love all the time-it's necessary.

PaperdollCartoon · 13/02/2018 14:50

Leave, he’s moved you in under false pretences. Marriage isn’t important to everyone but it clearly is important to you. Personally I wouldn’t stay with someone who didn’t want to get married, it’s a deal breaker for me. If he wants to be with you forever he can show that by marrying you.

Butterymuffin · 13/02/2018 14:53

I also am guessing you do lots of the housework and childcare.

Gemini69 · 13/02/2018 14:58

I also am guessing you do lots of the housework and childcare

This Flowers

Gottagetmoving · 13/02/2018 15:00

A year is not a long time is it? You've moved in with him and his children very soon.
He was irresponsible to have told you he wants you to be married unless he was sure.
Only you know him so does he seem sincere about wanting to be with you?...does he treat you well?..is he loving?
When someone has children they can't just rush into getting married, they have the children to consider.
Don't let your dream of getting married ruin things unless you are sure he is being unreasonable. Like I said, a year is no time at all and he said never say never...but if being married is so important to you, then you need to set a time limit you are prepared to wait, or get out now.

Mysideofthings · 13/02/2018 15:01

Unless I'm missing something based on your OP he didn't actually promise that he would marry you as others commenting are saying he's gone back on his promise?

Did he promise he would propose/marry you?

Original poster
trippingup · 13/02/2018 15:01

I don't do any babysitting duties when he isn't there but I will sit and watch TV with them, play games whilst he is cooking/ironing or vice versa. It is hard work having to hear about his ex wife and fitting in with her needs etc. I do clean but we also have a cleaner once a fortnight. I never wanted kids so I am taking them on - one is lovely but one is hard work and with her being young (6) it's not like she looks after herself. Its just on my mind so much. I've left my city to live with him in the next town, my commute is longer, I'm paying less rent so I guess that is the bonus for me but then I'm spending more on food etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
trippingup · 13/02/2018 15:03

No he didn't promise to marry me but he said it over and over again! Like 'I can't wait to marry you' we also talked about a venue!

OP posts:
RatRolyPoly · 13/02/2018 15:09

Er, no, YANBU.

Keep your money, I've a feeling you're going to need it.

Boulshired · 13/02/2018 15:16

If I was single with my DCs whilst I think I could meet some one and fall in love and live together the reality of marriage and the legal aspects especially with children would probably be a no. He is a shit for leading you on, you need another honest discussion.

Original poster
trippingup · 13/02/2018 16:20

I've moved to his town where I don't know anybody and I just feel ugh! I'll ask him to help me to integrate a bit more.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 13/02/2018 20:42

Why integrate and put all that work in with someone who has lied to you and dumped your feelings?

ChasedByBees · 13/02/2018 20:48

What are his concerns? Is he concerned about the financial interests of his children? I would be.

If he talked about it until you moved in though, it would be a deal breaker for me.

Troels · 13/02/2018 21:02

Save your money and move back to your own town closer to work. What a shit thing he has done.

Original poster
trippingup · 13/02/2018 21:47

I think maybe he’s come to terms with how draining his divorce was and how difficult his ex wife will be... they broke up a year before we met by the way. His concerns must be financial as he’s made me sign something before I move in saying I can’t claim on the house.

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 13/02/2018 21:58

I think you have moved way too fast. Is he a good bit older than you?

Zintox · 13/02/2018 22:01

Just read your last post. Get out now. You’re in a very vulnerable position. He has lied to you to get you where he wants you.

nNina22 · 13/02/2018 22:04

You say you're paying less rent? Surely if you are living as a family you shouldn't be paying any rent?