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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be annoyed he changed his mind about marriage

56 replies

trippingup · 13/02/2018 14:41

We've been together a year and I've moved in with him and his kids. We fell in love and he was always saying he wanted to marry me - now he says 'never say never' but he doesn't want to get married. I just feel like he gave me false hope. I'd started thinking about what I wanted my wedding to be like and I was excited. It made me feel really secure. I know its not the 'be all and end all' of life but I just feel sad about it. I do a lot for him and his kids and I just think now maybe I should take a step back and do more for myself... like save all my money for myself and not pay for things. He does say we will be together forever and he adores me so maybe I'm being immature and selfish.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 13/02/2018 22:09

I think it's time to move out.

leftoutandwondering · 13/02/2018 22:24

So you can't claim on the house but you're paying rent? To him presumably (he owns it but you're paying him to live there)?

This is sounding pretty bad. I'd start looking to get out.

Munrow · 13/02/2018 22:27

Say you did get married after all of this, would you be as happy with the idea or feel it was sincere?

Because I'm assuming, should you carry on the relationship and end up getting married... it wasn't because he proposed willingly out of the blue (or vice versa) but because you had to convince him or change his mind.

It isn't as romantic anymore when you have to lay it out in those terms:
'When we met we spoke about this and we agreed, now you're saying no, here's why we should etc'

As opposed to spontaneous proposal or just not having to have almost convinced him into marriage.

I speak from experience - I dated, we wanted to marry, I moved in, don't want to marry, got upset and reminded him I would never have dated had I known this, got engaged and felt completely robbed of a moment. Practically had a ring handed to me and then he went out because he was busy. Never got married as wanted a long engagement, never spoke about a wedding, didn't want to speak about it, wanted to marry in others countries as opposed to the U.K. (Probably means we were not married by law in U.K.?) .

I felt robbed of happiness and what was supposed to be a treasured moment.

I would recommend you walk away, because if he does, from experience, it won't feel like you think or imagined it would feel. That was the reason I walked. It changed a little part of me which I can't seem to restore.

All the best OP Flowers

Munrow · 13/02/2018 22:29

Though happily married now and it was spontaneous. But chose to have kids first because I never expected marriage from anyone after that experience.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/02/2018 23:41

He made you sign a form that you’ll never claim on the house??!

He will never marry you. He has lied to you and is taking full advantage of you for RENT Angry and childcare.

Get out now.

MumW · 14/02/2018 09:41

Making you sign to say you won't claim on the house and also paying rent? Makes you sound like a housekeeper with benefits - his. This is not a romantic relationship, it's about convinience - his.

It's easy for us to say LTB but from the outside looking in, it really doesn't look good. Cut your loses, find someone who deserves and returns your love. Flowers

PaperdollCartoon · 14/02/2018 10:05

If you’re paying rent you would have a claim on the house, making you sign that shows he is not looking at this as a long term equal partnership.

KarmaStar · 14/02/2018 10:16

Hi OP
I don't wish to sound cold but was he looking for someone to look after him,his children and home?along you came,a lovely genuine person who believed what he told you....
For your sake move on.he has no intention of marrying you.(sorry).
Don't give him an ultimatum because really,you don't want to be tied to a man who has deceived you from the start.
I wonder if he is a bit older than you and took advantage?
I'm sure you have grown some attachment to the dc but you must put yourself first and make a new life where you can marry the man who respects and loves you,have a wonderful life and dc of your own if you want them.
You won't get that if you stay put.Flowers

GinnyBaker · 14/02/2018 10:16

If he intended to marry you he wouldn't have asked you to sign the form as obviously you would then automatically be entitled.

Therefore before you had even moved in he had decided against marriage but hadnt told you.

I think he has been a shit. Both in terms of your financial security and emotionally.

Bluntness100 · 14/02/2018 10:20

If you had to sign before you even moved in, he never intended to marry you and knew it at that stage.

I also wonder why you're paying rent. Don't you have a joint account where all joint expenses come out of and you both pay into?

I'm afraid this man has been protecting himself from thr start and lying to you. 💐

newyearsameme80 · 14/02/2018 10:20

In less than a year you had a man - a father of young dcs - saying he couldn't wait to marry you? I think you were both far too hasty.
Marrying him also means being a step mother and I don't think that's something you want at heart.

thethoughtfox · 14/02/2018 10:20

This is dangerous. If you don't marry, you have no protection and his house will go to his children and you will be homeless.

LanaorAna2 · 14/02/2018 10:23

he’s made me sign something before I move in saying I can’t claim on the house...

He's using you. You're no fool by the way - he had to lie to get you in there.

Ugh, he's a really bad one. Bet he can be so charming too. Really, really, leave. Now.

AmberTopaz · 14/02/2018 10:29

Some alarm bells ringing here, OP. He made you sign something saying you can’t claim on the house? He talked a lot about marriage then started to backtrack soon after you moved in?

It’s ok to feel dubious about marriage after a messy split but he should have been honest about it.

It sounds like you are compromising your life way too much (taking on his kids, moving away from your friends, losing any chance to get on the property ladder yourself) while he’s getting all the benefit without having to give up anything!

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 14/02/2018 10:32

OP, leave and go back to your own city.

He doesn't intend to marry you. The agreement and all the other stuff shows that. You're just his convenient housekeeper with extras right now. And asking for rent!!! When you were discussing marriage before moving in!

I left someone after 3 decades and one of the issues was clearly financial abuse. Don't fall into this trap.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/02/2018 10:36

Honestly, get out now. And spend some time single, working out what you want from life (being married is NOT something to focus your whole life on.)
You sound young, and a bit too trusting, so you are going to be easy prey for men like this one, who want a free nanny and housekeeper they can shove their dicks in - and dump when a better-looking or richer one comes along.

missyB1 · 14/02/2018 10:38

Oh dear, definite alarm bells ringing! You need to move out and get your independence back. He's been stringing you along.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 14/02/2018 10:41

You need to leave. He'll never marry you.

Also, speaking as one who was love bombed and then finished with abruptly, I think he might pull the rug out from under you completely. Be prepared for that, both practically and emotionally. I have found that the long last effect is that I don't trust anyone to love me and don't believe in commitments until I have concrete proof of them in front of me.

tosleepallday · 14/02/2018 10:42

I don't like the sound of you paying rent, but with no claims on the house!
You are paying his mortgage and if he decides to end the relationship you are in a vulnerable position

TwitterQueen1 · 14/02/2018 10:46

I have to agree with everyone else unfortunately. I think you're being taken for a mug. He gets more money, housework done, kids cared for and babysat - and you get..... what? nothing. No home, no security, no marriage, no partnership. Please leave.

newyearsameme80 · 14/02/2018 10:48

No chance after one year would I put my children's future at risk by giving someone else a chance to take 50% of their home if we split, or 100% if I died.
Not sure what the solution to that is but currently the dp seems to have more to lose.

TwitterQueen1 · 14/02/2018 10:56

Yes you're right NewYear and I would not risk my children's future either, but this is a very unequal partnership. There is no benefit to the OP in it at all.

PostcodeJack · 14/02/2018 11:43

Full disclosure, I'm in the same position as your OH and I don't actually see anything wrong in protecting his interests (particularly if he has children, not "baggage").

My OH is intending to move in soon (from to a city from a town). He has children, I do not. We will both be signing an agreement which sets out clearly that all of our existing assets (which include pensions, businesses and my property) will remain our own, with no intention for them to be joint. He will also be paying a token rent which will also cover a share of the bills. This is not a payment towards the mortgage. Our finances will be entirely separate (no joint accounts). Any future assets, to which we both contribute, will be shared. Any individual future assets will remain individual assets. Other expenses (food, holidays etc) will be shared. Any changes to our home would be agreed by both of us but any work that needs doing to the house will be my responsibility. We are both happy with this. We very much view the property as my property but our home.

He also wants to get married at some point (and has asked me) and at the time I said yes. Upon reflection however, I have realised that I don't want to remarry, although I do want us to be together for good. This has nothing to do with finances, it's down to my own views on marriage. I too, want to be with him forever. He is also somewhat sad that (at the moment) it is unlikely that we will be married, but understands my reasons why. I do think that he's the best thing to happen to me, but, with the best will in the world, thinking you'll be together for ever (married or not), doesn't mean it will happen and we both want to protect ourselves.

All of that being said though, this is something that we have both agreed to. I do understand how you would feel let down, since you feel the goalposts have been moved.

If you want to stay with him and respect that he wishes to retain his interest in his property in its entirety, then he cannot expect you to contribute to the general maintenance of the house, for example. He would need to maintain the house in the same way a landlord would, without expecting a contribution from you. I would ensure that you have a clear agreement as to rights and responsibilities and I would definitely make sure that any savings or other assets you have or acquire in the future are clearly defined as yours (in the same way as he expects to retain his).

This is longer than I intended, but just wanted to give a view from someone in a (remarkably!) similar position. If you have the conversation with him (and I would suggest that you have it sooner, rather than later) and you discover that he wants you essentially have the responsibilities of an owner with the rights of a lodger, then you need to reconsider whether that is a relationship that you would be happy with (and personally at that point I'd run for the hills).

keepingbees · 14/02/2018 12:12

Sorry but this doesn't sit right at all.
What's in this for you exactly?

trippingup · 14/02/2018 12:34

Sorry I should say my 'rent' is towards the bills. I will also buy half of the food shopping. I do understand he wants to protect his assets for his kids and rightly so, and he ex wife got a lot in the divorce. I just think like everyone is saying that i'm giving a lot and he isn't giving up anything.

OP posts:
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