To feel sad about fiance's thoughts re wedding?

[squishytomato]

Sorry for long post in advance... Background: fiance is divorced (amicable split, no kids) and we've been together nearly 2.5 years (got together after he split with his ex). We have a 3 month old son who we both adore. Talked about marriage before I got pregnant - we decided it was important to both of us and we would eventually get married, but as age wasn't on my side we'd try for a baby first. Fiance proposed while I was pregnant, and now baby is here we're starting to talk about wedding plans. Problem is that it is my first marriage and his second.

I am pretty easygoing and definitely not a bridezilla - for instance we've been engaged since August and there's no ring or talk of wedding logistics until recently (baby was no1 priority obviously)! I am fully aware the MARRIAGE is what counts, and the day is after all, just one day. I can easily dispense with much of the 'fluff' that accompanies your typical wedding. Having said that, there are aspects of a wedding that are important to me. My fiance has said he wants to be married but doesn't like the idea of a ceremony/celebration. As it is his second time round he thinks it should be a very small understated thing (his first was full church white wedding 100+ guests etc). I think the whole saying the vows part freaks him out, given he said them before and it didn't last. For me, the ceremony marks the start of married life, and expressing those vows is supposed to be a meaningful moment. Of course it's not ideal that he's said them before and it didn't work out. But surely the point is it's his first time saying them to me? He claims no men are interested in the wedding day but most just won't admit it.

As to the logistics, his ideal would be to elope and not have anyone present at all - the thought of this makes me a bit sad TBH. I've compromised and I'm happy with a small registry office / pub lunch type thing with a small guest list, but now it seems he doesn't want to invite any of his friends/family other than his parents. He has said he will compromise by letting me invite "who I want" as long as he can invite who he wants, i.e. just his folks. AIBU in not being happy with this? It would be my core family and friends and just his parents on his side, i.e. basically a wedding party that is nearly all on my side? To me it feels like he is almost ashamed/embarrassed about it being his second time round and he doesn't want people who came to his first wedding to see him say the same words to someone else. He claims shame/embarrassment are not a factor, and it's just that he feels inviting his side would make him "seem blasé about marriage/divorce". I don't mind about having a small wedding, but what is important to me is us standing up in front of our nearest and dearest and proudly saying 'I pick you'. It might be sentimental, but that's how I feel.

I don't doubt for a moment that he is over his ex (he says he is much more sure about me than he was about her), or that he feels ending his prior marriage was the right thing to do, but nevertheless I feel that there is some sort of an unresolved issue with simply being divorced (I think he thinks of it as some sort of failure) that he's not prepared to admit. Am I crazy in thinking there is a difference between accepting the fact that the marriage failed and moving on, and being blasé about divorce? AIBU for thinking the fact he was married before is intruding too much into all of this? I'm starting to feel like I can't get married to him at all while he isn't at peace with how things turned out last time. Of course I wouldn't split up with him (we have our baby to think about), however the thought of not being married to him makes me miserable.

But then again, I've never been through a divorce - so maybe I am being unreasonable?!

DeathStar And for me personally it would set off alarm bells if a partner wanted a show more than they wanted a genuine, honest, intimate commitment

Really? So someone wanting what you had for your first wedding, wanting it for their first wedding, sets off ‘alarm bells’? Hypercritical much?!

squishytomato. I understand his POV about a smaller, less flamboyant wedding, I’d probably feel the same if I got married for a second time. Well, I’d feel differently about it all if I was getting married for the first time now too. I’m older, I’m a different person and see things differently. I wouldn’t actually care who was there, or not. It wouldn’t mean I didn’t love the person I was marrying as much, or I was embarrassed or anything else. The ‘wedding’ no longer means anything to me, only the marriage. However, if it meant a lot to the person I was marrying I’d do everything I could to make it the day they want, because I love them and doing it when I would prefer not to, to me, is less important than them missing out on something they really, really want and something I’ve previously had the experience of. So I think he’s being very, very, selfish.

As a guest, if I'd been to the first wedding, I'd be a bit cynical about the second and certainly wouldn't want to spend much on outfit, present, travel, hotel etc, unless it was someone I was close to and cared about.

It sounds like he isn't close to most of his friends and relations so he is actually being quite sensitive in realising that they aren't really going to be up for the repeat performance.

You don't want a bunch of jaded cynical strangers at your wedding. You want him to say "I pick you" in front of them. They'll all be thinking "wonder how long this one will last".

Seriously, I do understand how you feel. But he's right. The only way his second wedding can not be tarnished by the memory of his first is if the only double attendees are people who really care about the both of you.

The worrying thing here is that you are doing all the compromising. I think you should talk about it some more and come up with a plan that you are both genuinely happy with. Don’t start married life with a day you might resent. My marriage is my first and DH’s second. We had a big white wedding and planned it together, as equals. He wasn’t really involved in decisions on the first one because his ex rode roughshod over his wishes. Many guests attended both without issue.

The people who are saying you are doing all the compromising seem to be forgetting that he’s not insisting on his dream wedding (eloping abroad) at all. He’s making plenty of concessions agreeing to a ceremony and celebration with all your family and friends. I think as a compromise between a huge wedding and eloping, his proposal really does meet you half way. Will it really all be on your side though? Do you not have any mutual friends?

I don’t really see how you can reasonably ask him to invite family and friends that he doesn’t want to. People really ought to have veto power over their own side of their guest list. The only thing that would possibly concern me would be the issue of whether he’s actually ashamed of you (rather than feeling it’s a bit much to expect people to come to an event where he’s making vows he’s already broken once). Does he do anything else to make you think this? Not meeting many of his friends when he has a child with you seems a bit off, unless he’s moved 100 miles from the town he grew up in and hasn’t made any new friends where you are? If he is actually ashamed of you, not his previous mistake, I don’t think it’s a reason to make him invite people, it’s may be a reason to put the wedding on hold.

I’d like to take part of LyingWitches post because for me, it can read both ways. The person who ‘doesn’t want’ is usually the one who gets their way. If you coerce this info what you want, you’ll always know that this is what it took and that it wasn’t what they wanted. It’s better really to let them give you what is truly in their heart to give you because that’s way you can be sure their heart is in it.

You could read this and say, ok, let’s do what he wants and elope and he can read it as let’s do exactly what squishy wants and have a medium sized? Church? Wedding. Idk what your ideal wedding is. You never said.

This is why it is so important to compromise. If there are some good mutual friends on his side, you can always say you’d actually like these 3/4 people to attend as well. But I wouldn’t not invite lots of your friends and family because he’s inviting hardly anyone. That’s no longer a compromise. That’s giving him the wedding he would probably have ended up planning himself, realistically not that many people actually elope.