To feel sad about fiance's thoughts re wedding?

[squishytomato]

Sorry for long post in advance... Background: fiance is divorced (amicable split, no kids) and we've been together nearly 2.5 years (got together after he split with his ex). We have a 3 month old son who we both adore. Talked about marriage before I got pregnant - we decided it was important to both of us and we would eventually get married, but as age wasn't on my side we'd try for a baby first. Fiance proposed while I was pregnant, and now baby is here we're starting to talk about wedding plans. Problem is that it is my first marriage and his second.

I am pretty easygoing and definitely not a bridezilla - for instance we've been engaged since August and there's no ring or talk of wedding logistics until recently (baby was no1 priority obviously)! I am fully aware the MARRIAGE is what counts, and the day is after all, just one day. I can easily dispense with much of the 'fluff' that accompanies your typical wedding. Having said that, there are aspects of a wedding that are important to me. My fiance has said he wants to be married but doesn't like the idea of a ceremony/celebration. As it is his second time round he thinks it should be a very small understated thing (his first was full church white wedding 100+ guests etc). I think the whole saying the vows part freaks him out, given he said them before and it didn't last. For me, the ceremony marks the start of married life, and expressing those vows is supposed to be a meaningful moment. Of course it's not ideal that he's said them before and it didn't work out. But surely the point is it's his first time saying them to me? He claims no men are interested in the wedding day but most just won't admit it.

As to the logistics, his ideal would be to elope and not have anyone present at all - the thought of this makes me a bit sad TBH. I've compromised and I'm happy with a small registry office / pub lunch type thing with a small guest list, but now it seems he doesn't want to invite any of his friends/family other than his parents. He has said he will compromise by letting me invite "who I want" as long as he can invite who he wants, i.e. just his folks. AIBU in not being happy with this? It would be my core family and friends and just his parents on his side, i.e. basically a wedding party that is nearly all on my side? To me it feels like he is almost ashamed/embarrassed about it being his second time round and he doesn't want people who came to his first wedding to see him say the same words to someone else. He claims shame/embarrassment are not a factor, and it's just that he feels inviting his side would make him "seem blasé about marriage/divorce". I don't mind about having a small wedding, but what is important to me is us standing up in front of our nearest and dearest and proudly saying 'I pick you'. It might be sentimental, but that's how I feel.

I don't doubt for a moment that he is over his ex (he says he is much more sure about me than he was about her), or that he feels ending his prior marriage was the right thing to do, but nevertheless I feel that there is some sort of an unresolved issue with simply being divorced (I think he thinks of it as some sort of failure) that he's not prepared to admit. Am I crazy in thinking there is a difference between accepting the fact that the marriage failed and moving on, and being blasé about divorce? AIBU for thinking the fact he was married before is intruding too much into all of this? I'm starting to feel like I can't get married to him at all while he isn't at peace with how things turned out last time. Of course I wouldn't split up with him (we have our baby to think about), however the thought of not being married to him makes me miserable.

But then again, I've never been through a divorce - so maybe I am being unreasonable?!

I don't think he can be forced to summon up friends and family just to provide the required number of guests. You have a baby together yet you've never met any of them?

Either they're really not very close, so why would they be invited to his wedding? Or there's some other underlying reasons why they haven't wanted to meet you/he hasn't wanted them to meet you so why would you want them at your wedding?

I think it wold be quite uncomfortable to be a guest at a wedding where I'd witnessed the groom making all the same promises to someone else only a few years earlier, even more so if I was close to his ex, as presumably some of his friends and family would have been.

I can understand his feelings, I'd not want to make vows in front of friends and family after breaking the ones I'd previously made. I be as a guest at a second big wedding

Neither of you are wrong but he's still entitled to his view. He is open to a second marriage just not a second wedding. Marriage is about the vows not the big day.

'Expat it's not the OP's second wedding though. When I married my family had not had the opportunity to be at my wedding before - it seems a shame to not have a happy family occasion just because dh had made a rash choice at uni.'

He's not denying her that, but she wants him to invite more than just his parents. You can't force someone to do that or expect them to. She wants him to invite more people from his side. He doesn't want to.

I felt like this when getting married for the second time. I'm not a UK citizen so we ended up doing a legal ceremony at the register office with his parents, and I told mine not to worry about coming. We did a slightly larger blessing later and my family came, along with one couple that are friends of mine.

In all honesty, I would have rather eloped. Or not gotten married at all! But my divorce wasn't his fault, and he doesn't have any siblings, so this was my compromise.

It was a lovely day with some nice memories but I do have mixed feelings about it.

It's possible to be "over" the divorce while still having it affect you. I'm very matter of fact about being married twice. I don't miss my ex, I don't think marriage is a sham, I love and trust my husband completely. But my prior marriage (and subsequent divorce) formed part of who I am today and falling in love again didn't make that part of me disappear.

I would not go through with a wedding with someone who though my wishes were irrelevant and wanted to deny me the (only, I hope) chance to wear a meringue

Me neither.

I think it's easier for me though in that although my DP has been married before and I haven't, he had zero input into his first wedding. His ex wife (or rather her parents) took charge of everything, so this time round he's enjoying the organising bit, especially the fluff.

I get that the marriage is the most important thing, but I also want to wear the kind of dress I'll never get to otherwise and have a massive party

Could you get married quietly as he wants, and have the big celebration party the next day,or when you've had your honeymoon?

I could have written DeathStare’s post word by word.

If it is any consolation OP, don’t judge him for not wanting a big wedding, he loves you (much more than you can imagine most of us divorced people get very very wary about getting married again, so the fact he wants to go through it again is a huge thing), he just wants to focus on what is important: you, close family, close friends, end off.

We had the same issue, so we went away on our own and got married in another country. It was meaningful and beautiful and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Ps. We spent £10,000s in our wedding. On the day, I didn’t notice the flowers, the petals on the floor of the church, what the bridesmaids were wearing, how good was the megaexpensive food, the place or whatever. The only things I remember was being very happy at having my now exH by my side and all the nice gestures of our close friends and family (o yes and the bloody exmil complaining about everything, but that is another story). The rest is all blurred.

His feelings are understandable but he's being selfish.

I wouldn't want my married life to start with my dh completely disregarding and undervaluing something that was clearly important and meanful to me. The fact that it's about a dress/party/cake/whatever isn't really relevant here, we all have our own priorities and sensibilities, some of us couldn't give a monkeys about those things, and others care very much and see it all as symbolic of the scale of the commitment and the marriage being worth making a fuss for. The salient point is that it matters to YOU, he knows this, and he's not showing much love or respect towards you. Not a great start.

meaningful, not meanful. Brain = fried.

Not been through this myself as both DH and I have only ever been arrived to each other although have both had previous serious relationships. Maybe compromise by having a smallish, but really beautiful and personal event?

I wouldn’t be happy with this. I disagree completely with those people who think he’s already compromised, I don’t think he has. I don’t think him having done it before should mean I don’t get it. Does he think that about the many other (far less meaningful) things he’s also done? I don’t think he should invite family you’ve never met, but he must have a couple of close friends who would wish him well with you- close friends don’t just think oh second wedding bla bla. They recognise a friend has found happiness and celebrate it. I would ask him to invite those friends and that he solo arranges some way for you to meet some more of his family in the next year or so, just as you would have done if you’d had the wedding you wanted and he has had. My only real thing about second wedding so I would probably say no gifts and defitnley to friends who had already given me a wedding gift first time around.

'but he must have a couple of close friends who would wish him well with you- close friends don’t just think oh second wedding bla bla. They recognise a friend has found happiness and celebrate it. I would ask him to invite those friends and that he solo arranges some way for you to meet some more of his family in the next year or so, just as you would have done if you’d had the wedding you wanted and he has had. My only real thing about second wedding so I would probably say no gifts and defitnley to friends who had already given me a wedding gift first time around.'

What if he doesn't? Or doesn't want to invite them? Why should a person be forced to invite people just to make up numbers? That's ridiculous. And yes, close friends may just be of the opinion of 'oh second wedding blah blah blah' particularly if travel is involved, taking time off work, etc.

He doesn't want to invite people other than his parents.

How did his marriage end? I take it he was split from his ex-wife before he met you (unless you were the OW). If you were, I wonder if he is worried that a disapproving relative/ friend might ruin your wedding day by saying something judgemental. If you were the OW (and I am absolutely not saying that you are) then I can actually see his point in wanting something smaller, so as not to create any ill feeling among his disapproving family members/ friends. If many of his friends were also friends with his ex w, they may not want to be seen to be supporting your wedding (if your relationship was the cause of the end of their marriage).

Now, assuming you are not the OW (actually even if you were), plan the wedding that you want. I had a one-sided wedding (due to narcissist MIL and many flying monkeys), almost all of the guests were from my side. We had fifty guests altogether and it was fantastic. Everyone knew each other and had been at many family parties over the years and it genuinely had such a lovely feel to it. There was no brides side and grooms side, they were all there to celebrate for both of us. Many of our guests said it was the best wedding they had been to. What matters most is that you love each other and you want to spend the rest of your lives together. It doesn't matter if it's two strangers off the street who witness your marriage. Whatever makes you both comfortable is what matters most.

his response though is that by giving me free reign to plan what I would have wanted means he would be ignoring his own feelings.

Please remember that taking his wishes into account does NOT mean that your wishes should be squashed and you should just follow his lead.
He should want to make and effort and compromise just as much as you do.
Eg small wedding (20 people) but where you will exchange the vows.

You need to have a chat about what is important to both of you, what you want to void etc... and then work form that.

I get it OP. You want a public declaration, a fanfare, it's your first marriage and that's what you've dreamed of and it's all a bit lacklustre that he's done all this before and isn't as heart-set on the wedding day as you are.

I don't know what you can do about this. The person who 'doesn't want' is usually the one who gets their way. If you coerce them into what you want, you'll always know that this is what it took and that it wasn't what they wanted. It's better really to let them give you what is truly in their heart to give you because that way you can be sure their heart is in it.

That's what I think anyway. It's just a day in the scheme of things and it can still be beautiful. Separate your deal-breakers from your meh-I-don't-mind things and let him concede on the things that really matter to you.

ignore the first paragraph just re-read your post and it says it was an amicable split. Forget first paragraph and go straight to the second xx

I was in your fiancé's position (more or less) when I married DH2. We tried to meet in the middle on most things but the vows were the hard bit.

If he won't compromise on this then I'd worry he won't compromise on other important things.

does it matter if its only his parents

do u know his family well-as longas yours get to g i dont see then problem

I am divorced and had a big (unaffordable and left us in debt) wedding. I really wanted to elope and just get married on our own but he wanted all smells and bells etc.
If I ever got married again I would elope. Its about us and our marriage and I don't need anyone else for our vows to be said and sealed.
however I completely understand that you want the experience of a more celebratory wedding. Maybe tell him how you feel and try to come to a happy medium.

Unfortunate but there must be a compromise. Can see he doesn't want lots of pointless admin organising, but if you are prepared to do it and there is the cash, there is a middle ground. So what if the opposing teams aren't equal?

Can't speak for most men but I'm married to one who also wasn't bothered about a fussy wedding. Fortunately nor was I, if it could have been done without the cringy speaking bit, we would. BTW only wedding for both of us.

I'm afraid the cringy speaking bit is compulsory though, whether he likes it or not!

I’m getting married in 9 weeks. It’s my second marriage but my OH’s first. My first wedding was big traditional but not really what I wanted.
As OH hasn’t been married before I asked him what kind of wedding he would prefer before telling him what I’d prefer. He just wanted it to be parents and his son. Thankfully this is what I wanted too.
Having been there and done it before, I can see how much money is wasted and how much hassle it can cause. It’s not about pleasing other people and spending a fortune, it’s about the two of you and the vows.
I too was embarsssed (still am) that I’ve been divorced but it was through no fault of my own! I can see why your partner wants it small

I agree he needs to compromise.

Can you ask him to come up with some ideas of what he thinks could work for both of you, not just him. Tell him to think outside the box

For example a family member was married at sunrise in their own home with just their parents and siblings from both sides present and then they had an open home all day where anyone could go along to wish them well. They didn't do a meal or anything just a cup of tea and a yummy biscuit. It suited them perfectly. I went along for an hour and took a small gift. For me it felt very personal because there were only about 3 other people there at the time so I actually got to spend time with the bride and groom.

That idea might not suit you but I'm just saying there are lots of options out there to come up with something that you would both enjoy.

Marriage is not just stating your feelings, it's a contract (involving the state) and gives legally binding protection to partners, esp women, and children. This is what he is signing up to. Good.
Do his friends and family have loyalty to his ex? Seems unlikely if split amicable. Is he worried about her reaction if old mutual friends attend.
Have his friends family become close with you, can you invite as mutual, with his agreement? If he doesn't want to say vows publicly would he invite people just to social bit afterwards.
If all else fails have a baby naming and invite everyone?