To not want my 12 year old to go to the swimming baths with friends but no adult

[Shaddyuppayaface]

DD12 (year 7) has arranged to go to the local swimming baths with a few of her friends. I do know that the pool allows kids of that age in the pool without an adult but unsure whether an adult needs to be spectating (will obv check). However, even if they don't, I'm not comfortable. DD is an ok swimmer (no idea about her friends) but I know I can't expect the lifeguards to be watching them at all times. I have offered to go with them and sit in the spectators gallery so I can watch them. DD thinks this is embarrassing and says the other parents are fine with them going by themselves. I will obviously be checking and will offer to accompany the girls. I don't really know most of them very well but am aware some of the kids have more freedom than DD. AIBU to say that if I don't accompany them, DD can't go?

YABU the age is 8+. I've been dropping mine with their friends to go swimming since this age and I did the same as a child, in fact I went from younger with older siblings and no-one batted an eyelid.

You need to let go OP.

I went from 10 with friends only, and was a poor swimmer-it was absolutely the making of me becoming a decent swimmer and being confident in the water.

Wow, your poor DD. Unless you start to untie those strings you are going to have a very rebellious and angry teen. You have to allow her to grow and spread her wings, swimming with her friends is hardly a rave.
Perhaps you need to seek help for your anxiety.

Yabu. I used to work at a council pool (not as a lifeguard, receptionist) but children 8 and over were allowed unaccompanied.
Lifeguards will be watching as it is thier job, and there will be more than one or two if it’s a decent pool anyway.
Even if she does get into trouble, what are you planning on doing? Bound down the gallery and jump in after her? That will probably invalidate all types of insurance and pull lifeguards away from dealing with your child in danger to dealing with you.
Loosen the apron strings.
Perhaps offer to drop off / pick up at the very most!

Your DD will really, really resent you if you go and watch her.

This is only the start - soon she’ll be doing all sorts of things with friends - school trips away, parties, etc, She’s growing up and you need to allow her independence.

When ours were about 10 and 12 we used to take them to the pool after school on Friday, they would go in and swim and we would go into the supermarket next door to shop, the would then came out at an arranged time and have dinner in the supermarket cafe, You have to start to let go a bit at 12 or she'll feel you don't trust her.

Don't mortify your daughter by being that mother. You have to loosen the reins at some point, letting her go swimming with her pals (unaccompanied) seems like a sensible place to start.

I think YABU. A 12 year old who can swim isn’t going to just ‘disappear under the water’ surely?

You really need to start having a look at freedom you're allowing daughter to have. It's not fair on her, you don't need to let her do everything her friends do but you need to start somewhere and swimming with your friends at the age of 12 is to be honest a pretty average thing to do. At some point she will start to lie about where she's going or what her friends are doing or she'll start not being invited. Neither is a great option. My best friend when I was about 12 had a mum who had very restrictive ideas about what she wanted her kids to do and I thought my mum was strict but this was just another level - their relationship at 14 was just awful, numerous runnings away, rows etc.

I'm afraid I'd still discreetly sit with a drink and a book and keep a watch on them. Yes lifeguards do watch but in our case it's usually only one and I can't see how they can see every little thing

And how can you see every little thing, if you're reading a book? 

Well I sit there 4 nights a week at minute and manage fine! I'm watching 2 children usually, I know where they are, which lane and manage to keep track just fine. A lifeguard on the other hand has maybe 50 kids in the water at the same time ploughing up and down.

Yabu, embarrassing and unfair.

If you are so overprotective and insist on babying her, not only will you ruin her social life when her friends stop inviting her cos they don't want you tagging embarrassingly along, but it's also really unfair on your dd to actively prevent her developing independence.

She's 12. Those who wouldn't let her go- what age do you think is suitable for swimming? Council pools round here allow unaccompanied swimmers from age 8, and there are always plenty of lifeguards. I cannot imagine not letting a 12 year old do this!

Please don’t go with her.

She’s right - at 12 it will be mortifying for her if you’re there, and this is a really common activity for kids of her age to do with their friends.

Unless you have some good reason to think she’s unsafe in the water - a previous bad experience? - then you are wrapping her in cotton wool and it will start to affect your relationship.

At 12, with her friends, in a well-supervised public pool, she should be fine.

I accept now AIBU. Must admit I expected the responses to be more like 50/50 but now I know! I really didn't know what was considered the norm or even the rules when it comes to swimming (don't go often). DD does go out a lot with her friends - cinema, into local town for a milkshake and gets herself to and from school so I wouldn't say I'm that overprotective!

I'm prone to anxiety myself OP so I sympathise, but I do agree with all the sensible posts on here. You're setting yourself up for strife if you don't allow a reasonable level of independence. Bite the bullet and let her go.

Good one, OP.

Sorry - XP!

I can't imagine there are that many fatalities in public swimming pools in the UK. Most pool related deaths seem to take place when people are on holiday abroad.

Well I sit there 4 nights a week at minute and manage fine! I'm watching 2 children usually, I know where they are, which lane and manage to keep track just fine. A lifeguard on the other hand has maybe 50 kids in the water at the same time ploughing up and down.

And presumably the lifeguard manages just fine?

As a PP said, this is a 12 year old swimmer. Lifeguards are there to ensure the safety of the swimmers.

And more importantly, this 12 year old (if allowed to live a normal life), will be wanting to do more and more things independently, so the OP needs to learn to cope with that.

Good call OP. I'm sure she'll appreciate it

Blimey. DC5 would have killed me stone dead if I'd insisted on coming to the swimming baths with her when she was in Y7. Surely the whole point of them being at senior school is that you don't have to go to the effing swimming pool with them any more?

PS Good on you, OP. I think you have made the right decision...

It's funny how different things make us anxious as parents. I feel my 13 year old son is safer at the swimming pool than wandering round town.