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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just called me b***ch in front of DC

95 replies

cherish123 · 11/02/2018 11:01

Name change.

Was just playing game with 10 yr old DC and DH said "beat the b*ch". I became quite upset and he said I was overreacting. I don't think I was. AIBU?

OP posts:
DoinItForTheKids · 11/02/2018 13:33

My husband called me a bitch. Once.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/02/2018 13:37

Something like this doesn't just come out of nowhere - he doesn't just suddenly start using derogatory and misogynistic language like this in front of your children unless there is an underlying current somewhere in his psyche.

I had an ex that would say things like this in front of our children as soon as they were old enough to understand. They're grown up now, but still remember the language he used and the way that it made them feel.

So, no YANBU

BertrandRussell · 11/02/2018 13:41

“It sounds like a slip of the tongue tbh and to say you got ‘quite upset’ I would say you were over reacting.“

Blimey. A slip of the tongue? In order for it to be a slip of the tongue it must have been in the front of his mind in the first place.

Oblomov18 · 11/02/2018 13:44

I too think you are overreacting. Whilst certainly not ideal, it wasn't said in anger with venom.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/02/2018 13:45

Can't believe that some people are saying this is okay, and the OP's overreacting. Anyone that says that must have very low standards.

InsomniacAnonymous · 11/02/2018 13:48

Oblomov18 the OP has said the fact that it wasn't said in anger, but in jest is what has annoyed her most.

BertrandRussell · 11/02/2018 13:48

“I too think you are overreacting. Whilst certainly not ideal, it wasn't said in anger with venom.”

No, just a regular, everyday conversational offensive misogynist insult used in front of children. Nothing to see here.........

Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/02/2018 13:50

It's the fact that it was said at all. How it was said is irrelevant.

InsomniacAnonymous · 11/02/2018 13:51

Agerbilatemycardigan "Can't believe that some people are saying this is okay, and the OP's overreacting. Anyone that says that must have very low standards."

You only have to think about the way some people scream 4-letter abuse at their babies and toddlers to realise just how low some people's standards are. I'm interested to know how the OP's child reacted to being told to "beat the bitch".

ForalltheSaints · 11/02/2018 13:51

Unacceptable even if it was in front of a group that are all adults, never mind children.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/02/2018 13:52

Me too Insomniac

Ohyesiam · 11/02/2018 13:53

I can't stand that word, it feels full of hated to me.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/02/2018 13:56

MN really has turned into the home of massive over reaction.

He didn’t ‘call’ you a bitch. If he’d called you a bitch, in anger, then yes, you’d have reason to reassess your marriage. But not in jest, in a game. It was inappropriate in front of DS, but he’s 10, I’m sure he’s heard it before.

I wouldn’t see it any differently to using another swear word in front of a child. If you’d pulled a great game move and won and he said ‘Ah fuck it, you got me 😁’. Not great when playing a game with a child, but far from divorce worthy.

Silly bitch, stupid bastard, daft prick, twat...all frequently used in banter before everyone got so bloody precious.

PoorYorick · 11/02/2018 13:59

I wouldn’t see it any differently to using another swear word in front of a child.

Do you not see the difference between "Fuck, you got me" and "You are a bitch"? How about the difference between, "Shit, I dropped my phone" and "You shit, you made me drop my phone"?

There's a massive difference between abstractly swearing at a situation and actually swearing AT someone. Much like the difference between abstractly swearing at a situation and coming out with some absolutely misogynistic language.

But women have long been accused of overreaction and hysteria when they respond to being treated like shit (would you feel differently about this if I had said, 'you shit'?), so I can't say this attitude has come out of nowhere.

1ndig0 · 11/02/2018 14:01

Er no Annie Hmm The fact that it "slipped out" in a relaxed environment makes it even worse.
It's encouraging the son to collude with him in this game (whatever it is) against "the bitch". Delightful.
It shows that the word is in the forefront of his mind to be bandied around as casual banter.
I would be livid.

berryferry · 11/02/2018 14:02

Does seem like a major overreaction unless there's some backstory here. I call my sisters bitches some times. Like heyyy bitches! As a joke.

I also say "praise be bitch" to my dh sometimes, it's from The Handmaid's Tale.

Meh he got carried away being a character in whatever game it was. Not ideal but I certainly wouldn't be thinking divorce, my god! Grin

upsideup · 11/02/2018 14:05

MN really has turned into the home of massive over reaction.

Yep. No wonder theres so many divorced parents on here, if this alone grounds for divorce.

InsomniacAnonymous · 11/02/2018 14:09

Why are people assuming the child is a boy? What if the child is a girl. Would it be OK for the father to tell the OP to "beat the bitch" meaning the daughter? I just think it's wrong for a father to call his children's mother a bitch, in jest or in anger.

PoorYorick · 11/02/2018 14:10

I call my sisters bitches some times. Like heyyy bitches! As a joke.

And would it be funny if one of their husbands said the same to you? Especially when preceded by 'beat the'?

Yep. No wonder theres so many divorced parents on here, if this alone grounds for divorce.

God almighty, is there anything that ISN'T women's fault? You think women with kids pack up and leave their husbands on whims, do you? Because it's such a minor decision with no consequences and so easy to do?

I should know better than to ask that question...

berryferry · 11/02/2018 14:14

I'm not saying it was funny, or right, it was definitely a misstep, I'm just saying that it's something that could be addressed and moved on from pretty quickly. Some people here think he should be chucked out for it!

Nancy91 · 11/02/2018 14:15

I would have just said "watch your language" as he said it in front of a child. Don't think I would be kicking him out and changing the locks for getting overly into the game they were playing. I think people are misreading the OP and thinking he was being abusive towards her.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 14:15

Yep. No wonder theres so many divorced parents on here, if this alone grounds for divorce

Totally agree. Whilst I don't beleive the op over reacted, I do think saying this is grounds for divorce is beyond mind boggling. As is calling him a nasty cunt.

I'm trying to even imagine the solicitors face. "No, we have had a wonderful long term marriage, he's never once been offensive, treats me with absolute respect, and he's a fantastic husband and father, but one Sunday we were playing a silly family game and he said beat thr bitch so I'm going to divorce the nasty cunt for that one phrase. Can you start thr proceedings please?

Eh yeah, alright.

berryferry · 11/02/2018 14:16

And would it be funny if one of their husbands said the same to you? Especially when preceded by 'beat the'?*

No and I'd probably say "oi you've gone too far there" and he'd apologise and that would be that.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 11/02/2018 14:17

YANBU. Like the N-word is the property of black people, "bitch" is the property of women. Whites don't get to use the N-word (see Sam Jackson's warning to Tarantino during the shooting of Pulp Fiction). Similarly, men don't get to use "bitch" to or in the hearing of women.

Blackteadrinker77 · 11/02/2018 14:17

@bluntness100

Perfectly summarised!

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