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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH just called me b***ch in front of DC

95 replies

cherish123 · 11/02/2018 11:01

Name change.

Was just playing game with 10 yr old DC and DH said "beat the b*ch". I became quite upset and he said I was overreacting. I don't think I was. AIBU?

OP posts:

Elendon · 11/02/2018 11:59

Your children would have had a gut reaction to this, it would have triggered a hormonal reaction, adrenaline which also activates the brain.

They will not forget this outburst.

YANBU and your partner needs to reign in his emotional outbursts.

ShawshanksRedemption · 11/02/2018 12:00

I think then OP I'd check he understands why you are upset now he has apologised. Has he agreed he now doesn't think you were overreacting? Or do you feel you are still being made to feel unreasonable?

InsomniacAnonymous · 11/02/2018 12:03

How did your child react to this?

InsomniacAnonymous · 11/02/2018 12:14

Blackteadrinker77 I wouldn't have a problem with it to be honest in this context.
My husband has never called me a bitch in any context. To refer to the OP as a bitch when talking to their child is unacceptable and I can't understand anyone not having a problem with it. It's disgusting.

Chugalug · 11/02/2018 12:25

What a nasty cunt he is

GatoradeMeBitch · 11/02/2018 12:38

was this just a slip up by DH

A slip up suggests that something he usually keeps to himself slipped out. I would never in a million years have said "Beat the bastard" to our DCs, because it just isn't in my head.

If the child is a boy, it's possible he's trying to establish a toxic laddish relationship with him, watch out for that.

iheartmichellemallon · 11/02/2018 12:40

I think that's totally shocking Op - you're not overreacting at all. Not sure what more you can do though if he's apologised (unless you leave obviously which may be dramatic unless he treats you like shit generally the rest of the time & then you definitely should).

gussyfinknottle · 11/02/2018 12:49

I'd throw dh out for that. Back to his mum. Change the locks.

NotSoSprightly · 11/02/2018 12:52

Exactly what Gatorade said. In 25 years my dad has never called my mum a bitch. Plenty of time there that would allow for a "slip up".

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 12:55

What a nasty cunt he is

Well that was clearly nasty and uncalled for. Don't judge others by your own standards.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 12:56

I'd throw dh out for that. Back to his mum. Change the locks

You'd end your marriage if your husband said get the bitch during a game? When he's no previous. Wow.

MincemeatTart · 11/02/2018 12:58

It was a game. It was said in jest with no malicious intent. I think you’re overreacting.

gussyfinknottle · 11/02/2018 13:01

Yep. I'd end it. Red line crossed.

Blackteadrinker77 · 11/02/2018 13:05

My husband has never called me a bitch in any context. To refer to the OP as a bitch when talking to their child is unacceptable and I can't understand anyone not having a problem with it. It's disgusting

He said it in jest whilst playing a game, he wasn't saying it in temper. You should here what I call my husband when he sticks his cold hands on me!

NotReadyToMove · 11/02/2018 13:12

Not acceptable in any shape or form.
YANBU to be upset at his comment and I have to say, I wouod still have string words with him about it.
There is a certain lack of respect for women in that insult that I would not be accepting. And apologises wouldn’t be enough for me. They would have to be followed by his actions showing he actually doesn’t believe what he just said.

Olympiathequeen · 11/02/2018 13:13

Major overreaction here imo. It was just said as part of a game and no doubt picked up looking at film media or music, where this is used so frequently. These words are used very commonly in the media (not saying it’s right, just common) and there’s was no ill intent, just thoughtlessness.

It’s like swearing when you hurt yourself, no thought behind it.

Move on and forget it.

NotReadyToMove · 11/02/2018 13:13

Actually it’s even worse to have said it not in anger Black because it means he had plenty of opportunities of not saying it.
At least if he had been angry he could have argued he said th8ngs he didnt mean. Nit in that case.

Scribblegirl · 11/02/2018 13:15

It's bad whether in anger or in a horrid casual way. My dad used to call me a bitch as a teenage girl. It was part and parcel of other things but I'm still in regular therapy for self esteem issues.

GodShaveTheQueen · 11/02/2018 13:15

I am trying to imagine my dear, lovely dad ever referring to my mum as a b**ch, in any way at all, joking or otherwise. It's so far from anything he would ever have done that it's almost laughable. Even my arse of an XH never called me vile names in front of the DC. OP, I would be upset too.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/02/2018 13:18

I'd throw dh out for that. Back to his mum. Change the locks.

seriously you get married for in sickness and in health and all that malarkey, live together, love each other, have children together and everything is rosy in the garden and he mistakenly makes an inappropriate remark in jest, apologises when you bring it up and probably wont repeat and you'd throw him out?

Are we talking permanently or just like a naughty step type idea? Couple of days at his mums to realise how naughty he has been?

Separating is a massive overreaction.

Sending to his mums temporarily is treating him like a naughty infant and not the way to develop mutual respect in a marriage/LTR.

Terftastic · 11/02/2018 13:23

During my entire life I have never heard my dad, or my husband utter that word.

NotReadyToMove · 11/02/2018 13:24

But that’s not just a mistaken inappropriate remark though.For me it’s on the same line that a white man calling his black wife a negro.
There is too much underlying meaning behind the word bitch that it can just be taken as a ‘mistaken inappropriate remark’.

I might not leave him for that. But I wouodnt forget about it either and I know it would have long term consequences for our relationship (talking with experience here btw even though this was not boutbthe word bitch in my case)

PoorYorick · 11/02/2018 13:28

He needs to know - really know and accept - how very, very, very wrong this is. And that you are not overreacting.

We all say things in anger or frustration that we regret, but the truly misogynistic tone of that would worry me. As an example, I might get angry or frustrated with someone who happened to be black, but no matter how wound up I got, I would never, ever, ever say anything racist. That's absolutely not within my capacity to feel. Whereas 'beat the bitch' is pretty horribly misogynistic. I might not end the relationship over it if it really is a one off, but I'd be thinking hard about it if he continued to minimise it and tell me it wasn't that serious - because it really, really is. Even if the kids hadn't witnessed it.

Echogirl · 11/02/2018 13:29

Never in 22 years in marriage has my dh ever said that
Make him pay..
Let him know how upset you are..

PoorYorick · 11/02/2018 13:30

Missed the update where OP said it wasn't in anger....still, I would never make a racist 'joke'. Why would I? It isn't funny and it's harmful.

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