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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DP not to whinge when I spend money on clothes for the kids?

134 replies

julezboo · 01/05/2007 14:28

I decided today as its a nice day I would take myself of the our nearest next shop to get the baby some summer clothes, he has one pair of shorts that fit him! Everytime I get him out of his pram/carseat hes dripping with sweat bless him.

I emailed DP first to check it was ok and didnt get a reply, so 2 hours after waiting for a reply i went off anyway (12noon) have to be back for 3 so I wanted some time to browse leisurely.

Ive come home to a horrible email off DP whinging on at me for wanting to go to next. I only spent £27 so not much!

But what gets my goat is in the last week or so he's bought 3...yes 3 xbox games, its the new xbox so roughly about £90 I didnt moan, when he asked me i said "if you want" I always do.

But im being random for wanting to buy the baby some clothes from next !! Theres not that many shops round here, we have a tescos, some crappy shops in the town centre and a sainsburys not very much variety and tbh I do often buy their clothes from tesco but I faniced a change! Im sick of either staying in the house, or going to the same places!

PS it was my tax credits i spent not as if i took his money out of the bloody bank grrr!

OP posts:
AnneJones · 02/05/2007 10:35

Well, I for one am devastated.

I pictured Xenia as an Armani-clad, raven-haired, sky-high-heeled dominatrix. Please tell me it's so! As to women liking to shop too much, my DH is at the shops more than me! And gorgeous he is too - he genuinely likes to look nice.

Re: women and childcare not Iraq. I find it sad that these topics are considered women's topics. Don't men have children? Though Iraq will bwe an issue for many years to come, childcare has been and will be an issue for many many more years unless parents' voices are heard. Not just mothers. Parents. Sadly, "women's issues" are dismissed all too easily as not being important enough.

Julezboo - hope you find a way to sort this out. He sounds like a selfish oaf to me, but perhaps he hasn't realised that the childcare you provide is for the family so his income is for the family too - there is no individual income once you have a family and one parent has given up work to care for it.

oranges · 02/05/2007 10:38

I read that Alice Miles article, and wondered why she was surprised that anyone who signs up to a parenting forum may actually want to talk about issues connected with children on them.
I go to The Guardian, or The Register, to talk politics or technology. But mumsnet is exactly for mum-related topics.

Anna8888 · 02/05/2007 10:42

Peace and harmony, which is what most mothers on mumsnet want to achieve for their families, is just as valid a topic for discussion as war.

chocolattegirl · 02/05/2007 10:43

Exactly Oranges!

Eleusis · 02/05/2007 10:53

Ok, I hve read Ms. Miles now. I agree with much of the article. But, I'm skeptical of a couple of points. The first is that Mumsnet members don't discuss the hard issues. I've seen some real humdingers on the housing market, Iraq, nuclear power, and so on. I do frequent the nanny threads. But I find the discussions on employment law and what is reasonable to be very useful in managing my nanny. I have learned so much about employing a nanny from this site.

Also, she said that an expected swing to the tories would result in fewer woman MPs. But, David Cameron has been actively and successfully recruiting women candidates. So, I'm not sure if we will lose women when the tories return to power.

Anna8888 · 02/05/2007 10:58

Eleusis - I agree that there are some very informative threads on Mumsnet.

The topics addressed, along with the quality of the debate, vary wildly in interest. But a lot of hot political issues (breastfeeding, childcare, education, to name but a few) are discussed in great depth on this site.

Rosylily · 02/05/2007 11:09

Shopping in Pakistan with dh and his sister.... we women don't have pockets in our clothes. Dh has the wads in his pocket. He is our walking wallet. We go into various shops...the men selling show us everything they can and give us a coke to drink while we peruse. Then Dh's sister enters into a full scale argument about the price. If it's too much we all storm out or if the price is lowered enough, sil agrees and dh reaches into his pocket and pays. Then we go home and show the rest of the family and the neighbours everything we bought. We all have a fabulous time

chocolattegirl · 02/05/2007 11:15

Your Dh sounds like me on holiday with my dp. We have a joint purse with the daily spendings in but we both put money into it so we're both entitled to draw from it (I've done this with friends as well and we divvy up what's left at the end of the holiday, if any). This is only on holiday as it makes sense to buy currency jointly and pool it for joint use rather than pay two lots of commission etc.

I wouldn't do it in the UK though - that is definitely a different matter .

fizzbuzz · 02/05/2007 11:24

Oooh, I'd love to go shopping in Pakistan. All those gorgeous fabrics, embroidery, and colours. Am v jealous

Unfortunately as completely terrified of flying, it will never happen!

Judy1234 · 02/05/2007 11:45

RL, ah that just sums up what I regard as morally wrong and bda for women - womn choose fripperies and a man who keeps them in subservience pays. Let us hope that vanishes from the planet as a dynamic and instead women pay for their own stuff and earn their own money.

Alice M was writing about the fact she'd look at one copy of the Guardian and every single article over 12 pages was written by men about men about wars men fight, political issues men deal with, court cases where the barristers were men, judge male, defendant male. Only female picture at all was one MI5 person or something. She wasn't really saying why is mumsnet about washing powder. She was probably saying why were 100% of those guardian writers male and 100% of the issues just things involving men and why isn't it more 50%.

fizzbuzz · 02/05/2007 11:50

Mainly because men make wars, and therefore are more interested in them I would think......

kimi · 02/05/2007 21:55

Well I went and got DS1 2 pairs of new summer shoes today and 3 pairs of shorts {he is off to spain for 4 days}

I did not need to ask DH1 or new DP if I could and their is no way either of them would say a word about it.

Rosylily · 02/05/2007 22:35

Xenia the man was the one being subservient in the situation. His sister is very clever, she is not put down by anyone. She knows where to go to get good value and good quality things. She won't let the salesmen get the better of her. But the whole shopping thing is important and life, buzzing wonderful life.
Sil has 4 children, 3 boys and a girl...the girl is as well educated as her brothers and studying electronics.

Dh enjoys being the provider...he has been trained by his mother to do so and I enjoy being provided for, I've been trained by my father to do so

Nessie21 · 02/05/2007 22:54

Hi,

I dont think you are being unreasonable, you have a right to want to buy nice/new things for your baby and your self. If my partner went out and spent £90 on games I'd rip his head off. for one He isn't going to play them all at once. Two he probably could have got cheaper ones from the second hand section Three. maybe he should be spending more time with his family than being glued to a games console (sorry its a bit of a presumption) If i were you i'd trade all his games in and tell him to get off his high horse

Myself and my DH put all out money together ane we make sure all the important stuff is paid for e.g. bills, food etc. then baby has enough nappies, medicine etc. then whatever money we have left we divid it into 3, some for me some for him and some for our savings, even if we just get £5 pound out of it at least we are comforted in the fact the we know everything is payed for and we have a little spending money for ourselves. if one or the other of us wants something a little out of our price range we can always go into the savings or save up for it.

Ness

Judy1234 · 02/05/2007 22:56

It's the last sentence I have problems with and the fact India and China murder so many girl babies every year because women are so badly regarded sadly in those countries - I know that's not pakistan of course which has had a female leader, example to the world actually. let there be many more. Women as provider or men and women as joint providers for the family is a nice dynamic many couples finds works better than man as provider and woman as recipient which is a bit Victorian really.

Rosylily · 03/05/2007 07:44

Xenia It is horrendous that little baby girls are killed for being a girl. It's hard to understand what could make someone do that to their child.How sad, desperate and tragic for them to be so low.

The fact that I just had a baby boy was particularly good news to the family in Pakistan though. And my mil is the worst culprit for that attitude. And everyone wants to please her by having baby boys!

I am privaledged because I have the choice to go out to work or not. And that is the point. Ideally everyone should have that choice.

Because of the culture dh grew up in he might whinge if money is wasted but he wants and expects to provide for his family and extended family and that's what drives him.

Rachmumoftwo · 03/05/2007 10:02

You could ebay the games and console & spend the money on clothes!
Really though, you could sell the clothes your baby has outgrown and use the money towards new ones, a lot of us do this to help keep the cost down.

Original poster
julezboo · 03/05/2007 15:55

thanks all

Rach - both my brothers are having boys in the next few months or so so we tend to hand them down to each other, i had a boy first, past them onto one brother, he passed them onto another, then I got them back again and so on.

I do mostly buy clothes for the baby on ebay, primark, tesco or asda cos I do think their stuff is lovely but I fancied a change and i didnt break the bank spending £27! I got alot more than one game! And Adam looks so cute in his new clothes LOL!

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 03/05/2007 17:48

RS, I live in a very mixed community here in London where boys are hugely prized. The local hospitals would never tell the sex on scans otherwise girls will be aborted wholesale by the local communities here.

If a culture and dynamic is girls are an expense and don't work (and don't like many UK housewives these days even) then girls will not be as much appreciated. Another reason to add to my list of why women in the UK should work.

Lovecat · 03/05/2007 19:48

Oh Xenia, you do cheer me up

If I left the OH to buy the clothes for dd, we would either end up in the monsoon party dress situation as described, or she would be running around barefoot in a potato sack... if I didn't buy clothes for the OH, he would be walking around in a pair of skanky jogging bots and a paint-stained t-shirt with holes in it...

Still tittering at the idea of OH doing clothes shopping - I can picture the look of frozen terror on his face as he enters the shop, grabbing out blindly at the first item he comes to, running to the till, throwing money at them and running out again to the safety of the nearest bookshop...

twentypence · 03/05/2007 20:36

Heard an interview on the radio where the expert was saying that in Western Countries gender selection favoured girls. So it's not just those people with brown skin that choose the gender Xenia. Though whether it is murder in this case does depend on your beliefs.

Rosylily · 03/05/2007 20:53

My dh loves shopping for clothes and I'm the one who loves book shops! everyones different aren't they.
Cor I'd hate to have to go to work though! I haven't got time!

Anna8888 · 04/05/2007 07:18

Xenia - don't suppose you watched the Ségo-Sarko debate on French TV the other night? You would have gone crazy with their sexist comments - Sarko talking about childcare and how his priority was for all women to have accessible childcare to allow them to work, how he was going to provide after school homework clubs because women now worked and weren't available to do homework with their children, Ségo talking about how women needed shorter working hours because their day was so tiring etc etc

Judy1234 · 04/05/2007 08:12

twenty, I think that's true which is why allowing people to choose the sex rather than allowing them to abort the sex they don't want may be preferable although I suppose most can't afford IVF and IVF has risks, whereas cheap scan plus abortion following on is more affordable. Some farmers in China now have to share.

SR can't be a proper socialist then. in real communism there is not assumption women will care for under 5s any more than men. I didn't watch it but heard she lost her temper which is the most stupid thing anyone can do whether male or female on TV or indeed in meetings. But compare here to most standard issue British politicans who are hard pressed to force their massive thighs on to plane seats - Gordon Brown, Prescott etc. It's not a pretty sight.

Anna8888 · 04/05/2007 09:02

Losing her temper was not the stupidest thing she did in that (so-called) debate. And she is far too bourgeoise to be a true socialist - she is more of a self-styled fairy godmother bestowing favours upon the downtrodden.

If she weren't so pretty she's never have got anywhere near the presidency. Though I totally agree that it would be better if British politicians looked nicer.