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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DP not to whinge when I spend money on clothes for the kids?

134 replies

julezboo · 01/05/2007 14:28

I decided today as its a nice day I would take myself of the our nearest next shop to get the baby some summer clothes, he has one pair of shorts that fit him! Everytime I get him out of his pram/carseat hes dripping with sweat bless him.

I emailed DP first to check it was ok and didnt get a reply, so 2 hours after waiting for a reply i went off anyway (12noon) have to be back for 3 so I wanted some time to browse leisurely.

Ive come home to a horrible email off DP whinging on at me for wanting to go to next. I only spent £27 so not much!

But what gets my goat is in the last week or so he's bought 3...yes 3 xbox games, its the new xbox so roughly about £90 I didnt moan, when he asked me i said "if you want" I always do.

But im being random for wanting to buy the baby some clothes from next !! Theres not that many shops round here, we have a tescos, some crappy shops in the town centre and a sainsburys not very much variety and tbh I do often buy their clothes from tesco but I faniced a change! Im sick of either staying in the house, or going to the same places!

PS it was my tax credits i spent not as if i took his money out of the bloody bank grrr!

OP posts:
MrsJohnCusack · 02/05/2007 00:23

"frivolous trivial stupid things like clothes"

don't women who have 'special jobs' () need to ensure they are dressed smartly and appropriately for the particular job? Being interested in that isn't trivial or stupid, surely?

(and look at successful fashion people, like that Tamara Mellon of Jimmy Choo. She's successful and loaded)

Greensleeves · 02/05/2007 00:43

Hmm, I always find I can go a certain distance with Xenia's brand of "bloke-in-skirt" feminism, not caving in to the "I'm a girl, I like buying clothes" ethic etc etc - until the thought inveiably crosses my mind: 'Who is going to do it, then?' I don't like the idea of contracting out decisions on my children's dress/diet/anything else important and defining just so that I can make a point (albeit a worthy and feminist point) about what it isn't to be a woman. I don't find the idea of being disenfranchised from the nuts-and-bolts business of running my family empowering or liberating, I just think it's sad, and a terribly sad indictment of the crossed-wires and missing of the point that has characterised feminism in the last twenty years.

Choices, anyone?

Lwatkins · 02/05/2007 00:55

I'm sorry but really am I missing something? I still don't get what's sexist about this.

twentypence · 02/05/2007 05:52

I have been waiting to use my new fact that many women who were "gifted" children (whether labelled at the time or not) have chosen to raise children. Sorry, I have no idea why, probably so we can sit on MN and disagree with Xenia.

The OP sounds like she likes buying baby clothes - so just agree that she is not being unreasonable and stop saying it's because she doesn't work full time.

Anna8888 · 02/05/2007 07:49

Greensleeves - you're absolutely right, feminism shouldn't be about killing what is feminine.

Xenia is very good at alerting women to their potential economic precarity (though she is wrong to think that working full-time all the time is the only answer to this), very bad at letting women express themselves as women.

Anna8888 · 02/05/2007 07:52

Julezboo - children's clothes are one of life's necessities, xbox games one of life's frivolities. You shouldn't have to ask permission to buy baby clothes any more than you do to buy food or pay the electricity bill...

chocolateteapot · 02/05/2007 07:56

Without getting in to the other bits of this thread, julezboo, I wouldn't have asked my DH. Children have to have clothes, non-negotiable, part of life. Until recently I was a SAHM for about 6 years (was about to do a Ph.D so I think there is a brain lurking in my head somewhere). I control the finances as DH is rubbish at doing so and left to his own devices we would be homeless.

He's quite happy for me to do so but if he hadn't have been then I would have expected to sit down and do them together. We budget so that there is money put aside for clothes and we both have an equal amount of money to spend on ourselves.

Fillyjonk · 02/05/2007 07:57

do agree with xenia kind of

there are 2 atguments

  1. should kids ideally have a parent (either) at home with them to, say 5
  1. should that end up with responsibility for the OTHER domestic stuff, esp when both parents home. eg shopping, cooking, cleaning
  1. Should the parent at home be the mother?

I think yes to 1 and no to the others.

chocolattegirl · 02/05/2007 08:34

I'm with Xenia on women needing financial security for themselves. I've said more than one to my dp that I do not expect us to automatically get a joint account if/when we move in together unless it was strictly for household expenses, rent, food, bills etc and personal expenses come out of our own accounts. I just don't like the idea of tying my all money up with someone else's or them having access to my dibs (even though he earns shedloads more than I do or could ever hope to). Equally I wouldn't expect to have dibs on my partners money as once the joint h/hold expenses are paid, it's up to him what he does with the rest. It's not completely fool-proof but I'm working on it .

Judy1234 · 02/05/2007 08:35

I don't think the bible really sets out what God thinks about equality and fairness as it was written by men, many of whom were sexist just reflecting their lives in those times. I think God created us all equal which means it is morally wrong if one person works a lot more hours than the other or men think because they have a penis they aren't able to buy baby clothes. It's also an issue for mothers - you have to delegate; you have to allow that someone buys different from you; yo have to refrain from criticism; you have to tolerate. It's the same in the kitchen even if you don't like his cooking or his way of washing up.

How can anyone prefer clothes shopping to reading the FT? Some women I will never understand.

Fillyjonk · 02/05/2007 08:36

"How can anyone prefer clothes shopping to reading the FT"

well the FT is a boring capitalist rag

sub in New Scientist or something and i will agree with you

Anna8888 · 02/05/2007 08:42

Xenia - you don't have to tolerate every single thing about the other person in a couple that you don't like, and it's quite possible to agree completely amicably that one half of a couple is better at a particular task.

I definitely spend a lot more time reading the FT and the Economist than I do clothes shopping... but we also subscribe to British, French, US and Italian Vogue in this household and I quite like reading all of those too...

powder28 · 02/05/2007 08:49

Havent read rest of thread, but I wouldnt ask my dh's permission for something like that, I wouldnt need to. We have seperate accounts anyway, and the tax credits etc go into my account, so I buy all the shopping, clothes etc and he pays the bills from his account.

What century is he living in?!

expatinscotland · 02/05/2007 09:09

'How can anyone prefer clothes shopping to reading the FT? Some women I will never understand. '

How can anyone prefer reading the FT to clothes shopping? Yawn.

FT should be marketed as a cure for insomnia.

I'd rather read a phone book.

Or French Vogue .

Grrrr · 02/05/2007 09:17

Julezboo

I will photograph them and send you pictures so you can see if there is anything you like the look of, but I need daylight for best pictures and I'm working almost full-time at the moment.

I did some last night and will try and send them but the pictures are not great. (I'm a beginner with a digital camera).

Eleusis · 02/05/2007 09:17

Powder, we have the same set up. DH and I used to argue to no end about money problems. It was driving a very big wedge in our marriage. So, we split the finances. He makes more money than I do and so he is responsible for more bills (rent, utilities, etc.). I pay the childcare, children's clothes, and groceries. There is no more arguing over who should pay what. We have organised it so we each have the same amount of spending money to spend as we choose when the rest of the bills are paid. He spends his on things I would never spend money on, and I spend mine on things he wouldn't spend his money on.

As you are a SAHM, you would obviously need to organise a portion of his income that is directed to you each month and you are responsible for buying x, y, and z out of that money. Just make sure that clothes for the baby don't count as money spent on you.

And one more thing, it is normal for a grown man to have an xbox???

fizzbuzz · 02/05/2007 09:21

I'd rather read French Vogue too. Have degree in fashion, I suppose that makes me definitely bottom of pile in Xeina's opinion. Fritter all excess money on clothes
(tut tut)and I LOVE it!

FT, FFS, would rather watch paint dry....

Judy1234 · 02/05/2007 09:32

It just pains me. REad Alice Miles in today's Times..... no women ever commenting on anything of any significance and it even mentions women wasting time on mumsnet and the Times alphamummy site talking about childcare and never trying to play any role in if we should be at war in Iraq etc etc. She has a point. Some women really are just interested in hearth and home and men have "opinions".... or rather she says women choose not to enter the debate at all to express them. She wonders if that is partly because men put women down when they try to express them.

I would do the link but I can't do links.

By the way Anna we get Vogue here too. I prefer the FT to Vogue but I read both. I must admit I had to move over to the Times to find a picture of BP's Browne's gay lover although I thought the FT coverage was better on that. Why would anyone lie to the court? People are so silly even at his level. If you're 59 don't take a lover of 29 as a live in partner. These age gaps whether you're gay or straight are never wise...

Eleusis · 02/05/2007 09:35

Oh Xenia, you can't do links?

Original poster
julezboo · 02/05/2007 09:35

Didnt mean to cause a debate!

We have had a huge row again this morning !! TBH Im sick of it, he doesnt see my point when i say its ok for him to buy games yet i get whinged at for spending money on esssentials (like clothes for kids) He went into work giving me his bank card (so totally goes back on his argument pfft) And men say women are hard to understand! But to be fair i get roughly £400 in my bank each month £100 a week) He gets £1500 in his bank a month plus £40 tax credit cheque that comes friday which he did for once give me this month.

I do think we need to sit down and talk about it, What happens usually is we go shopping together at the weekend after all the bills are paid. But seen as the weather is nice, Im trying to get myself out of PND or at least feel normal I am trying to get myself out and about as much as possible whilst eldest is in school and Baby is still easy enough to take out without lugging the kitchen sink too.

But telling him that he thinks Im sending him on a guilt trip which Im not Im just being honest, Id rather be out in the sunshine than sat moping at home looking at the same four walls. Ok so I dont have to go out and spend money everyday, sometimes I just go for a walk down the back of the house next to the stream, or a wander round McArther glen, or tescos but I wanted a change of scene. It didnt matter about the money if Im honest. We are both crap with money but when i buy things its never for me!! Its always for the kids, him or the house so maybe Im stupid I dunno.

The sooner I Start childminding and bringing in my own money I think we will be better off tbh, as sad as it seems

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/05/2007 09:43

Age is just a number.

Eleusis · 02/05/2007 09:45

I think you ned to sit down and set owt a budget that outlines all of the monthly bills and then say who is responsible for what. For example:

Food £450 (you)
Childrens clothes, nappies, etc. £200 (you)
Rent/mortgage £1000 (him)
His clothes £200 (him)
Your clothes £200 (you)
Phone bill £50 (him)
one dinner out together per month £50 (him)
and so on...

Then, sort out who needs how much money and when he gets paid he transfers the appropriate amount to you.

MAKE SURE YOU EACH HAVE THE SAME AMOUNT OF SPENDING MONEY AT THE END OF THE MONTH AND THE KIDS SPENDING DOES NOT COUNT AS A PERK FOR YOU.

I remember when DH wanted to buy something when I was pregnant that I didn't think he should spend money on and he said something like "but you got maternity clothes last weekend and they cost X" And I said something like "having to wear maternity clothes is not a perk but an unfotunate consequence of being pregnant"

fizzbuzz · 02/05/2007 10:04

This website is cheap for childrens clothes
here

fizzbuzz · 02/05/2007 10:07

Also my role in the war against Iraq was to oppose it, and to sign the "Not in my Name" petition, and to display posters.

Just because have "frivolous" degree doesn't mean that I don't have a mind.....

Judy1234 · 02/05/2007 10:09

I never regarded in our marriage as our joint money as being anything other than jointly ours and we never argued over money and always just had joint accoutns but we both worked full time and for the first 10 years earned fairly much the same and we're both very good with money, happy to buy children's clothes in Oxfam, not that materialistic, both hate shopping etc

I think if you did start childminding then it might help because although he ought to share all his money with you as you're the other half of the team looking after his children, it sounds like it would help if you each had some of your own money. Even so he should be clothing his children.