Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Very fussy friend

104 replies

ThisLittleKitty · 10/02/2018 12:03

So friend went on a first date yesterday, she said they went to a restaurant and he walked in first and sat down and how it was "rude." I said oh you was expecting him to open the door and pull out your chair, she said yes. And he "won't be getting a second date" aibu in thinking this is waaaaay to fussy. And personally as she's single and over 30 and hasn't had a relationship in years I'm quite surprised something so small would be such a big deal to her.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 10/02/2018 14:19

I would be distancing myself from the friend TBH, she sounds like very hard work. or just say you don't want to hear any more about her dating shenanigans.

Gabilan · 10/02/2018 14:26

to the poster who brought up equality, go educate yourself about the difference between manners and equality.

Well she whinged he sat down before her and went through a door before her. If male manners are expected to be different from female manners e.g. if men are expected to hold chairs for women, then there's an equality issue. If we all want to walk through doors at the same time we're going to need bigger doors.

petbear · 10/02/2018 14:35

@cackleberry4

I’d be creeped out by a date pulling out my chair. I’d think he was an obsequious little runt.

WHY?

@sparklingbrook

I wouldn't want anybody to pull my chair out for me. How awkward.

Again. WHY?

@pengggwyn

Why the hell shouldn't people be fussy? If I have to choose someone to sleep in my bed, I'll be as goddamned fussy as I like.

There's being 'fussy' and there's being fucking ridiculous.

Pissing and moaning and saying you don't want to see a man again, because he had the audacity to hold the door open for you, or pull the chair out for you to sit on, is laughable and ridiculous to the extreme.

No wonder some women are perpetually single.

LoniceraJaponica · 10/02/2018 15:10

I'm failing to understand why sitting down before her is rude. I hate it when people pull out chairs for me. I have a pair of fully working arms. Re going through the door first - did he shut it in her face or hold it open for her? If it was the former then that is rude, if the later then I don't see what the problem is.

How did the rest of the date go?

0hCrepe · 10/02/2018 15:28

Going out with a female friend I’d expect a door held open for each other, whoever got there first and courtesy around who sits where- asking if there’s a preference etc. Why is it too much to ask the same courtesy of a man?

0hCrepe · 10/02/2018 15:30

I would find having a chair pulled out a bit clunky/ dominant however.

Pleasebeafleabite · 10/02/2018 15:35

I couldn't sit there and watch someone pay that money but if he doesn't mind I guess it's ok

You really don’t like her very much do you

Hope she’s not on MN

littlecabbage · 10/02/2018 15:38

Actually, it is good manners for a man to walk into the restaurant first because he has to address the maitre d'. Okay though, it may not have been that kind of restaurant?

WTF?! MeganBacon please tell me this is tongue-in-cheek?! Why is it "the man's job" to address the maitre d'? I guess a lesbian couple woukd be banned from such a restaurant?

Maatsuyker · 10/02/2018 16:34

From this post I cannot judge if the friend is too fussy or not. I have to say that the people I know that are single (against their will) for ages all have some reason that I can pinpoint why they are still single. This can be fussiness, or playing too hard to get or run away from emotional intimacy etc. One of my cousins dumped someone after a long romantic weekend by the sea because on one of their many walks he didn't hug her. She has no idea why she is still single in her fifties. So yes, someone can be too fussy for their own good.

If her friend wants to have children then being in your thirties is the time to get a move on. It's not old but it takes time to get to know someone, live with them for a while and some people need years of fertility treatments. There is no point in saying that it is soooo young and then sleepwalk into menopause and a childless life.

Original poster

ThisLittleKitty · 10/02/2018 17:31

Ok just re read it and it said "omg he walked ahead of me in the restaurant and sat down first. Didn't even open the door" can see why it would come across as rude now tbh. I wouldn't discount him just on that though but like I said can see why it appeared rude.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 10/02/2018 17:36

Because I would have no idea what to do petbear. Just from a logistical point of view. Do they have to rush ahead and grab the chair? Are you allowed to pull the chair in yourself? I would be 'leave me alone FGS'.

OP just delete the text, and don't analyse it any more.Tell her you don't want any more updates either especially mid-date.
Or tell her to go on Take Me Out...

Gwenhwyfar · 10/02/2018 19:57

"Actually, it is good manners for a man to walk into the restaurant first because he has to address the maitre d'. Okay though, it may not have been that kind of restaurant?

WTF?! MeganBacon please tell me this is tongue-in-cheek?! Why is it "the man's job" to address the maitre d'? I guess a lesbian couple woukd be banned from such a restaurant? hmm"

A bit unreasonable to get annoyed with that Littlebacon. If OP believes in old fashioned (sexist) chivalry, it's a fair thing to point out.
On the continent, men are supposed to go first into a restaurant because otherwise all eyes are on the women.
Men go first upstairs too for obvious reasons.

Gwenhwyfar · 10/02/2018 19:59

"Going out with a female friend I’d expect a door held open for each other, whoever got there first and courtesy around who sits where- asking if there’s a preference etc. Why is it too much to ask the same courtesy of a man?"

If I'm with a female friend I open the door, go through and hold it open for her. I don't make her go through first. That's not the norm.
Only exception might be with someone much older to show respect.

Gwenhwyfar · 10/02/2018 20:03

"Because I would have no idea what to do petbear. Just from a logistical point of view. Do they have to rush ahead and grab the chair? Are you allowed to pull the chair in yourself? I would be 'leave me alone FGS'."

Yup. I feel the same about people who try to help me put my coat on. I find it really hard to find the other sleeve like that.

Sparklingbrook · 10/02/2018 20:04

YY people 'helping' with your coat=no help whatsoever.

MaisyPops · 10/02/2018 20:11

She sounds high maintenance and a lot of hard work. Sorry but she seems to be a bit of a brat who is dressing up treat me like a princess because i deserve ti be pampered as manners.

Don't get me wrong. I'm sure there'll be a man for her, but given she's probably also the type to:

expect random gifts of jewellery or weekends away
take photos of data night with this bae preferably at high end hotels which she cab check into as proof of how her bae adores her
expect gifts left right and centre
want to be wined and dined
expect a man to be grovelling for her attention because she is so awesome
throws some diva like moods if he doesanything which isn't perfect for her

Generally a complete drama llama.

princesssparkle1 · 10/02/2018 20:15

Then don't vent to people if you don't want them to have an opinion!

Nice friend you turned out to be.

Sparklingbrook · 10/02/2018 20:28

I am surprised the friend hasn't been on here, having recognised the scenario...

AuntyElle · 10/02/2018 20:30

“Pissing and moaning...”
petbear, who was pissing?? That sounds extremely rude in a restaurant setting.

Allthewaves · 10/02/2018 20:36

Someone pulling put my chair would totally put me off. I'm more than capable of taking off my own coat and pulling out my own chair.

TheFishInThePot · 10/02/2018 20:47

Over invested OP. I think you need a distraction of your own. Sorry.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 10/02/2018 20:54

I have three friends / acquaintances who are / were very choosy / fussy with men.

Found her perfect man. Is living happily ever after with him.
Found her “perfect” man who ticked all her boxes. Unfortunately was so busy checking that he ticked all her boxes she failed to notice that he is actually not very nice. Now living unhappily ever after with him and debating divorce.
Still single in late 30s. Has pretty much given up trying to find someone.

My view is that nobody is perfect. Everyone has to make compromises.

Original poster

ThisLittleKitty · 10/02/2018 21:13

She wouldn't use forum she always makes fun that I do! I'm not that bothered, I'm not sat here worked up, it was just a thread like all random ones on here. just wondered whether people thought it was to fussy or not..

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 10/02/2018 21:20

You don't sound over invested or wound up OP. More 'i think she's being a bit silly & fussy what do you think'?

Who are we kidding most of us will be of the view that relationships involve compromise on all sides. people who think the job of their partner is to tick every box all the time and generally be a fussy drama queen are usually the ones who try to present their demanding and unreasonable sidrs as 'just having high standards / oh it's surely basic manners for a man to pull my chair out'. It's princessey.

Sparklingbrook · 10/02/2018 21:37

A lot of people say they don't go on MN, in fact not many admit to it in RL.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5