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AIBU?

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Original poster

Very fussy friend

104 replies

ThisLittleKitty · 10/02/2018 12:03

So friend went on a first date yesterday, she said they went to a restaurant and he walked in first and sat down and how it was "rude." I said oh you was expecting him to open the door and pull out your chair, she said yes. And he "won't be getting a second date" aibu in thinking this is waaaaay to fussy. And personally as she's single and over 30 and hasn't had a relationship in years I'm quite surprised something so small would be such a big deal to her.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/02/2018 12:41

YABU

Mamabear4180 · 10/02/2018 12:41

No I don't think she's too fussy, he wouldn't be my cup of tea either. I'm late 30's and don't want a crap relationship so I will continues to be super fussy so it doesn't happen. Better to be single than stuck with the wrong man.

foodiefil · 10/02/2018 12:44

It is quite rude actually

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/02/2018 12:44

I'd say a lot depended on his attitude - which maybe she didn't get over in her message to you.

Walking into the restaurant first - no problem if you are conversing with the person behind, saying 'I hope there's a table free - I'll go and have a look'.

Barging through the door without a word and letting it slam in someone's face...not on.

And sitting down? Again, if you are deep in conversation and your friend had her hand on the back of her own chair it's not unreasonable to assume a grown woman can pull out her chair and sit herself down. If she was hovering, waiting for him to pull out her chair (does this even still happen?) and he ignored her, then that's not good. But I fear she is searching for a chivalric knight and they are thin on the ground (and usually more devoted to their white horses than to a woman).

Sparklingbrook · 10/02/2018 12:47

YABU. And a little bit too involved maybe. But then according to this thread I am veryancient so possibly things have changed.

Everyone has a list of requirements when looking for a partner, and they will all be very different.

blackberryfairy · 10/02/2018 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

petbear · 10/02/2018 12:47

You both sounds equally hard work OP.

You for writing off all women over 30 and saying they should be grateful for what they can get.

And her for saying it's a dealbreaker for her, if a man doesn't pull her chair out for her, and open doors for her. I don't think any woman should be with a man that doesn't suit her, and has got characteristics she dislikes, but this is just plain stupid.

She is gonna be alone forever if she's not careful.

I know we are all entitled to have standards, and not take any old shit from men, but some women are way too fussy when it comes to men, and these are the ones who are still single at 37-40.

We are all entitled to have standards, but binning a man because he doesn't 'pull out the chair' for you, and open the door for you is fucking pathetic.

Sounds like this man dodged a bullet.

Original poster
ThisLittleKitty · 10/02/2018 12:51

I didn't say any woman over 30 should be grateful for what they can get but not pulling out a chair for you and me saying that's not a big deal is hardly saying be grateful for anything. More stop being so high maintenance!

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 10/02/2018 12:54

I wouldn't expect a date to pull out the chair for me. I would expect them to not be texting during the meal. He's probably had a lucky escape.

Gwenhwyfar · 10/02/2018 12:55

I would also say that fussiness can be a way of covering up a fear of intimacy, a way that we protect ourselves from getting hurt.

petbear · 10/02/2018 12:55

I am kind of half on your side, but don't think it's your business really. And as I said, women who are massively fussy and high maintenance are the ones who stay single.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2018 12:56

Does anyone still do that chair pulling out thing though? OR opening the car door for "the little lady"? That would annoy the tits off me - I can do it myself, thanks very much!

I'll let a waiter do it if they do it for everyone - but I don't usually wait for someone to shift a chair for me.

I think you're right that she's being a bit pedantic - but if she wants to be treated like the "little lady" and have shit like that done for her, then perhaps she'd better put something in her profile about liking "old fashioned courtesy" in her men!

Schlimbesserung · 10/02/2018 12:57

It's basic good manners for the person who goes through a door first to hold it open for the second, but there's no reason why a woman needs to go first. I'd assume that a man old enough to be dating a woman in her 30s (ie an actual adult) has heard a lot about how women can open doors and operate chairs for themselves and would bear that in mind. So unless his manner was openly rude or aggressive then I think she is being a little bit precious.

I last went on a first date in 1993, so I'm a bit out of touch with the etiquette but I'd consider it extremely rude to be texting about a date before the date was actually over. Perhaps her date is ruling her out for her own lack of manners?

petbear · 10/02/2018 12:57

I think women are entitled to be pissed off with a man texting or talking on his phone on their date. That's is very rude, and incredibly bad manners.

Wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, but I would be pissed off about it. And if he kept doing it on further dates, the relationship wouldn't go far, as he would be showing such disrespect.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 12:59

Good on her for having some standards. If he wanted to impress her, he wasent really trying.

petbear · 10/02/2018 12:59

I would be happy if a man DID pull my chair out, help me on with my coat, and open the doors for me, but if he DIDN'T, it wouldn't bother me IYSWIM.

Indeed, if given the chance, I would open the doors/pull the chair out for him. Smile

pasturesgreen · 10/02/2018 13:01

I wouldn't be bothered about the sitting down bit, but I'd notice the not opening the door. I was brought up to think that's rather rude and first dates should be about making a good impression.

I'm also over 30 and single, but not about to drop my standards in desperation, thank you very much OP Hmm

MsHarry · 10/02/2018 13:01

Yeah she's too fussy. I think men don't know how chivalrous to be these days for fear of being told they're being sexist. I don't care if a man goes in first, I would expect anyone to hold the door open for the person behind though, male or female. I would never expect anyone to stand while I sit, that's bonkers and very 1950s!

Lovemusic33 · 10/02/2018 13:04

You sound like a great friend (not)

Just because she’s 30 something and has been single a while doesn’t mean she has to settle for anything that shows the slightest interest.

I’m 30 something and have been on many dates, most men have opened doors and pulled out chairs (usually they are trying hard to impress), if your friend didn’t like the fact he didn’t do these things then it’s up to her if she wants to refuse a 2nd date.

Cackleberry4 · 10/02/2018 13:04

I’d be creeped out by a date pulling out my chair. I’d think he was an obsequious little runt.

I think she’d do well to open her mind a bit and stop letting the nitty gritty get in the way of what could be potentially good relationships.

Whocansay · 10/02/2018 13:05

She probably thinks your standards are too low.

I would be inclined to agree with her. I wouldn't want to date someone without manners either.

Friends are supposed to be supportive, you know?

0hCrepe · 10/02/2018 13:06

Having been around men who are so self centred that they, as an example, just walk through a door without holding it open letting it close in the face of the person behind them, purely because they don’t think, I too would hesitate to go on a second date with a man who on his first chance of making an impression is not showing any consideration of the other person.

Bouledeneige · 10/02/2018 13:07

I have never met a man who pulled out a chair for me and I'm ancient (not quite from the 1950's). I think its quite hilarious and old fashioned. Blazer and brass buttons. And sexist.

As others have said, have standards but about important things. Have manners but to everyone irrespective of their gender. I'd be more focused on are they intelligent, fun, interested and interesting... (oh and attractive). More important than holding doors and pulling out chairs is how he treated the waiter. IMHO.

Eveforever · 10/02/2018 13:16

Maybe she could put the texting on hold until the end of the date, then she could see how the date went as a whole. Deciding not to seem him again before she has even sat down seems a tad premature. I agree that, from his perspective, watching her text as soon as she sat down would be rather off putting and it is arguably ruder than leaving her to manage her own chair. Personally I prefer to deal with my own chair, I do think it's common courtesy to open the door for people, but I also think that works both ways and I have been known to hold the door open for men. Perhaps she could spend a bit of time considering how she is coming across on the date herself? I do like chivalrous men, but I feel you need to look at people and dates as a whole. I'm an expert at making bad impressions myself, so I tend to give people longer than 5 minutes before deciding if I think we can get along!

Wherearemymarbles · 10/02/2018 13:18

He dodged a bullet.

And frankly I would expect the waiter to do the chair pulling....but maybe thats just the places i eat..

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