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AIBU?

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Original poster

Very fussy friend

104 replies

ThisLittleKitty · 10/02/2018 12:03

So friend went on a first date yesterday, she said they went to a restaurant and he walked in first and sat down and how it was "rude." I said oh you was expecting him to open the door and pull out your chair, she said yes. And he "won't be getting a second date" aibu in thinking this is waaaaay to fussy. And personally as she's single and over 30 and hasn't had a relationship in years I'm quite surprised something so small would be such a big deal to her.

OP posts:
missperegrinespeculiar · 10/02/2018 13:24

well, if she wants to be properly fussy then she should appreciate him going in first, men are actually supposed to enter public places first to ensure they are safe and proper for the lady, and only then should she enter, it is only in private, safe spaces that they should open doors and usher the lady through before them

if I remember my rules right that is!

but to answer seriously, I think politeness is really important, but to me that is a general attitude of attentiveness and thoughtfulness rather than formulaic "rules", and it works both ways, not just men to women!!

Petalflowers · 10/02/2018 13:25

In this day and old, it’s uncommon to have your chair pulled out etc. I think,she was the rude one texting through a date!

Sparklingbrook · 10/02/2018 13:27

I wouldn't want anybody to pull my chair out for me. How awkward.

Pengggwn · 10/02/2018 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

derxa · 10/02/2018 13:28

Does anyone still do that chair pulling out thing though? OR opening the car door for "the little lady"? That would annoy the tits off me - I can do it myself, thanks very much!
Yes and whenever anyone pulls a chair out for me I always mistime the sitting down bit. So awkward. I would have given him a chance if he was good looking but I'm shallow like that.

LifeofClimb · 10/02/2018 13:31

Blimey 😁 I didn’t think I was “old” to be dating at 30+...

Anyway. I think if anything, he should bin her off for spending time texting you while she was on a date (hardly an essential communication either when it was bitching about him..)

Gabilan · 10/02/2018 13:31

personally as she's single and over 30 and hasn't had a relationship in years I'm quite surprised something so small would be such a big deal to her

I dropped my standards when I was 34 and had been single for years. Biggest mistake of my life and, over a decade later, I still regret it. The little things can actually add up and indicate something bigger. If I'd listen to my gut instinct and paid attention to the little signs that something was not right, I'd have avoided the later, far bigger problems. I would advise any woman that staying single is better than dropping your standards.

Personally, I hate having chairs pulled back for me. But if she takes it as a sign that someone is attentive and she likes it, well it's her call.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2018 13:32

I also used to hate men opening doors for me and then shepherding me through first. Open the door, fine, wait til I've got a hold of it, also fine, but go through it yourself first, please!

Canwejustrelaxnow · 10/02/2018 13:33

I hope she gets some help for her poorly arms. Life must be a real struggle for her.

pigeondujour · 10/02/2018 13:33

well let's face it she isn't getting any younger.

Congrats on knowing how time works.

LucyMorningStar · 10/02/2018 13:34

YANBU. Having standards and acting like some imaginary queen are different things. She's being ridiculous.

And can we stop pretending that it is easy for women in their 30 to get a date with anyone semi-decent?

Pengggwn · 10/02/2018 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gabilan · 10/02/2018 13:48

I also used to hate men opening doors for me and then shepherding me through first

I always think there's an element of "that's not chivalry, you're just staring at my arse".

And can we stop pretending that it is easy for women in their 30 to get a date with anyone semi-decent?

IME it wasn't easy at all. But that's a reason to stay single, not a reason to put up with crap.

mimibunz · 10/02/2018 13:48

This would have bothered me and I would have paid more attention to the rest of his manners! And to the poster who brought up equality, go educate yourself about the difference between manners and equality.

Schlimbesserung · 10/02/2018 13:51

I hope she gets some help for her poorly arms. Life must be a real struggle for her.
Grin

Italiangreyhound · 10/02/2018 14:01

@ThisLittleKitty I think you need to step away from discussing with her or tell her how you feel.

"well let's face it she isn't getting any younger." This is only really relevant if she wants children and I can tell you after year and years of fertility treatment it is relevant.

She needs to maybe decide how important it is for her to have a baby with her own eggs, if it is then yes meeting someone sooner than later is important, if not, then fine.

To be honest I think it is your business if she texts you during a date and if you are a good friend of hers.

I think men are unsure what to do or how to act around women sometimes, this may have been one of these times. Forget that, for now, was he nice, caring, funny interesting? If the answer to these is no it doesn't matter how good looking he was. If the answer is yes, maybe he deserves a second date and maybe your friend is foolish to let him go!

Suggest you have a date with him and see if this changes her perspective (yes, I know you are not looking!) Just an idea! Wink

LucyMorningStar · 10/02/2018 14:03

There's putting up with crap and there's acting like a frigging royalty and getting pissy at not being treated as such.

A lot of women here pretend it's easy or have these expectations. When in fact all most men are after is a shag with preferably below 30 Confused

Blackteadrinker77 · 10/02/2018 14:04

You get to chose how you treat people in life. I like to treat people how I expect to be treated.

I would not expect a friend to talk about me in such a negative way, if I was getting older and single I would not expect my friend to think I should lower my standards. I would expect a friend to want me to not settle or lower my bar.

GabsAlot · 10/02/2018 14:05

so its ok to text u in the middle of a date but rude not to pull her chair out for her

she sounds like a right hypocrit

Italiangreyhound · 10/02/2018 14:05

PS my husband doesn't open doors for me or pull out chairs, he just doesn't think of it.

He has been the most amazing man I have ever met in my life, has helped me at my lowest ebb when I thought I was dying (and could perhaps have died), he works hard to contribute financially, and in terms of labour and work for our family and he is honestly the kindest man I know. He is also infuriatingly annoying and totally the opposite to me. Life is complex and one date rarely show you all you need to know about a person!

Whatshallidonowpeople · 10/02/2018 14:07

What do you mean women in their 30s can't get decent dates?

Lemonnaise · 10/02/2018 14:09

Really none of your business. I’m sure if she fancied him she would have overlooked his lack of chivalry

It's always the first comment/s that has the "none of your business" crap. [GRIN]

OP I agree your friend seems too fussy.

Did she expect him to pay for the date as well?

LucyMorningStar · 10/02/2018 14:11

Whatshallido, it really isn't a trick statement. It means what it reads.

BrimFire · 10/02/2018 14:15

I hate being the one ushered through the door first. My partner used to do this as I then had to speak to the staff first,/make the decision about the table,/order drinks from the bar. I don't mind doing these with my friends but it's not a great when your partner expects you to do all the time under the guise of being polite.

Similarly sitting down first. He probably picked the "best side" of the table. Same partner of mine did this too. I pointed out it was considered manners for women to face the room and men take the other. We take turns now but it's rude to not consider the other person and not at least ask where they would like to sit.

Original poster
ThisLittleKitty · 10/02/2018 14:18

She wouldn't date a guy that didn't pay. She was bragging about the guy who spent £200-£300 on a date the other day, so I guess she feels she can be fussy. Personally I was Shock I couldn't sit there and watch someone pay that money but if he doesn't mind I guess it's ok.

OP posts: