To think my Drs have deliberately refused to see me

[TheCatsPaws]

Background: long term clinical depressive with severe anxiety. Occasional diazepam user. I have never abused or overdosed on diazepam, or any other drug. Was stable until I recently had four miscarriages in a row, which has caused me to develop flashbacks, nightmares and for my depression to come back.

I went to my GP last week for some diazepam and was told flat out no, as I am a “risk” I’ve used it for nearly 10 years, about three times a year. I was instead given Zopiclone, which caused a horrible hallucination of blood running down my hands and sent me hysterical (my DP had to restrain me).

I threw the Zopiclone out and used my last few diazepam these last few days. I ran out yesterday and asked for a telephone appointment. The Dr never rings. I ring up and tell them. They say I’m still on the list. I ring at 5:30 and they say I’m still on the list.

6 I ring and it’s closed.

Now I have no way of getting my medicine and I’m going to have fucking nightmares and panic attacks when I sleep. AIBU to think this was deliberate? They just don’t want to prescribe it to me for some reason.

My sister is a GP and they are under massive pressure not to prescribe benzos. She’s completely of the opinion the needle has swung too far and real harm is being done now by not prescribing them over the harm of some abuse.

If people really want to abuse them you can get hold of them anyway not through your GP!

Ravenesque - you put it perfectly.

I'm tired of being treated like a nuisance when I ask for drugs that genuinely help me.

Like you, I suffer with awful back spasms. I get about 4 a year and get 5 days' worth if I beg. My neurologist and psychiatrist have both okay'd it for me, but I see a different GP just about every time and they can't be bothered to scroll back into my (admittedly) lengthy record.

Surely the GPs can tell people with a genuine problem to those who are either addicted already (like my BIL, who has been on them since 1973 and they now have no effect on him), or those like my friend who likes to take them recreationally with alcohol on the weekend (but gets them as she knows how to play the system).

I also get the most awful bouts of anxiety and have been diagnosed with PTSD. I haven't been out in my local town for 20+ years after being attacked by my ex and do NOT go to the GP just for the slightest sniffle and beg antibiotics (like my sister, who should know better), or even sometimes things that really need sorting by the GP (kidney infection that nearly killed me).

I see all sorts managing to walk away from the GP with whatever they like. I'd love to know their secret.

I don’t get them as frequently as that but they do feel very real. I’ve relived my miscarriage (the worst one) over and over and I literally see the blood each time. I see it all over my hands and it’s horriffic.

I just want to stop reliving it. It happened. I can’t change that but I don’t want to keep watching it :(

Hopefully therapy will help me

Oh OP I so hear you with the revisualising, can I offer you a hug if wanted.

Pp mentioned taking mitrawotsit not daily, I wonder if I can try that and not gain weight

Other pp said about pendulum going the other way, yes. As a colleague said, if they stop giving out benzos a lot of people will drink more or simply find interesting combinations of what's in the medicine cabinet and are far more likely to get ill by accident, or die.

people will drink more or simply find interesting combinations of what's in the medicine cabinet

I am guilty of making “home made” sedatives out of painkiller combinations I have, as a last resort when I’ve had nothing else. Personally I think that’s a lot more dangerous than 2mg diazepam but!

Thank you for the support, it means a lot to know I am not alone with this. It feels like I am sometimes.

It’s a shame that real harm is now being done out of fear of patients becoming addicted.

I take benzodiazepines occasionally. Temazepam for serious insomnia. They have been the difference between me being able to function and go to work or falling in a heap (I’m taking some nights of no sleep at all.)

Hey op.

So sorry you're going through this.

What are your Anti depressants?

Have you ever tried mirtazipine?
You take it at night because it has a sedative effect and it made me sleep so heavily that I dont think I would wake if the house was burning down.

It isnt a habit forming drug either.

OP, if you think you may have PTSD then you should self refer to your local IAPT requesting an assessment for CBT at step 3. Emphasise a full cbt therapist. You can usually self refer and skip all the interim steps.

If you have PTSD then counselling isn't gonna cut it, it's not the gold standard for PTSD, CBT is. Read the NICE guidelines if you're up to it.

There's a tool you can use called the 'impact of events scale' (easily available online) which is the assessment tool used to assess for PTSD. If you carry that out on yourself, you can mention this and the score/outcome when you self refer as evidence for why you need to see a CBT therapist. They essentially have two or three types of therapists: psychological wellbeing practitioners, counsellors and CBT therapists. You need the latter for PTSD.

I think it would be sensible to do this and try and get the PTSD addressed so you're not reliant on a medication you are going to have difficulties obtaining like benzos.

IAPT can't prescribe but seeing them and being treated for PTSD will give you something on your record to prove that it's real and you're attempting to manage it, which in turn might make GP feel more comfortable prescribing alongside. An anti depressant can often be helpful and you won't have the difficulties you have with benzos.

I hope you find your way through this. It's a horrible feeling when you know which medication you need but you can't access it, and doctors aren't always right! I'm a young fit healthy looking woman yet am on 80mg morphine daily. I had to fight for years to get appropriate pain relief. It's a shit system when the one who is so unwell has to do all of the fighting but there we are.

Any advice needed just shout and I'd be happy to help.

Here you go, an assessment tool. You're not really supposed to self administer but you can fill it out and then you have some backup for your referral www.aerztenetz-grafschaft.de/download/IES-R-englisch-5-stufig.pdf

If you cannot self refer to your local IAPT go see GP and ask them to put a referral through.

This may help in the meantime www.selfhelpguides.ntw.nhs.uk/penninecare/leaflets/selfhelp/Post%20traumatic%20Stress.pdf

Thank you for that link. I just did that assessment and scored 73. The cut off is apparently 33...

I somehow feel weak though. Lots of people have miscarriages, they don’t end up like this. Why have I ended up with flashbacks and anxiety?! :(

Oh lovely.

You're not weak. Having a mental health issue isn't weak. It's a medical issue.

The thing about PTSD is it doesn't affect every single person, some people will end up with it and some won't. There's nothing about developing it after a trauma that is related to how 'weak' or 'strong' you are!

I empathise though, I have depression and I totally get that feeling of thinking you're weak. For some reason when it's in your brain and so wrapped up in your personhood it's difficult not to think 'if only I was stronger'. It feels humiliating and shameful that you can't just shrug it off and bounce back. But you're not alone. So many people develop PTSD. And what you went through losing your baby, I mean Jesus. That would affect anyone for years! You're not the only person who'd develop PTSD from something that horrifying.

Glad you did the assessment. Have you looked into your local IAPT?

Sympathy catspaw.
Hoping therapy will help. And SANDS is worth looking at. I can't offer advice on the meds, but I did have PTSD from my miscarriage.
This is my experience, but obviously you shouldn't do anything you are not comfortable with considering.
I found that having a funeral helped initially, saying goodbye and acknowledging it had happened. But the other ways included writing it down from different angles and pov (took away it's power almost. To start with I was typing in floods of tears, now I can think and talk about it coherently although still with sadness). And I had a great NHS team so on/near anniversaries I return with biscuits as a thank you. First time I broke down at the ward doors, buy afterwards I was smiling (even though I was still in tears).
I still get hit by waves of intense sadness and despair, but it helped a lot.

OP I always think anxiety based problems are a bit like the mental equivalent of allergic reactions. Allergic reactions are the body's own internal protective system gone wrong and I think anxiety conditions are the mind's protective system gone wrong. Anxiety is a natural protection for us causing us to imagine possible dangers, analyse and risk assess our environment. But in some cases there is a problem and just like an allergic reaction attacks our own body the mind starts to make us feel much worse. You wouldn't think someone was weak for having an allergy so don't think yourself weak for having this anxiety condition.

I’m looking, but I can’t find one near me. I’m going to make a GP appointment and take that test with me, and see what they suggest.

You are right, when it’s yourself you hold yourself to a different standard. I’d never tell someone else they were weak or even think it, but when it’s me it always feels like I should just get on with it

I should add, that various people would prefer to pretend my miscarriage never happened or downplay it, but that made the PTSD worse for me. My DH was very much against the funeral (I know it was because he was worried it would make me worse). But it started the closure of the grieving and the flashbacks stopped randomly appearing. Now flashbacks are limited to anniversary. But as in PP, returning to the ward actually allows me to mark the anniversary and take away it's power.

I do hope you find a way through this that works for you.

I should add, that various people would prefer to pretend my miscarriage never happened or downplay it, but that made the PTSD worse for me.

The thing that upsets me is stupid comments from people

• at least your baby wasn’t stillborn
• it was probably disabled
• everything happens for a reason
• it’s clearly the wrong time
• I bet you’re glad you’re not Charlie Gard’s parents

FUCK. OFF.

People are insensitive about it and I’d rather they not say anything than say those things

Tistheseason17

Diazepam is licensed for short-term treatment of severe anxiety.

That’s not to say that I don’t totally agree with the rest of your post - using alone is it’s like throwing someone a lifebelt and leaving them to bob about in the sea on the end of the rope to get hypothermia, rather than hauling them in and keeping them safe, warm and dry. But The lifebelt deals with the immediate crisis that they are drowning.

Dear TheCatsPaws, you feel how you feel. There is no blame or shame in it. You desperately need help and there is nothing wrong or weak in that. At all. What happened to you was a big deal 💐

Dear god OP, how could anyone be so stupid as to even think those things let alone say them to you.