To feel like I’m turning DD against her grandparents?

[CaveWomaan]

I’ve had problems with my in laws since DC came along. I don’t want to drip feed but there’s so much to this story and I don’t want to bore you all. They don’t have any respect for me as a mother, they always know best and the minute my back is turned, they do everything with DC that we ask them not to. Through all of this, I still take the children to see them and still have them come to stay with us.

Anyway, DD1 is now 4 and is very emotionally intelligent (I think that’s the best way to explain it). It’s always been difficult because if I asked her not to do something, MIL & FIL would then encourage her to do it and laugh about it, which in turn would encourage her more. DH and I have both asked them not to do this but they say they can’t help it

I sat DD down and explained to her that her grandparents love her very much but sometimes they laugh when she’s misbehaving and that laughing when people misbehave isn’t a good thing to do. I explained that none of us are perfect and this is just something the her grandparents do which in an ideal world, they shouldn’t really. I told her that I know it’s confusing for her but when they laugh, it doesn’t mean she should keep doing what she’s doing. She needs to listen to what I’m telling her and that I’ll keep her right.

Anyway, today she told me she doesn’t want them to visit now because she doesn’t like that they laugh at her when she’s misbehaving. I now feel awful and like I’ve handled this the wrong way. What should I do now? I’ve tried to reassure her but it doesn’t seem to be working.

Part of me is frustrated that I’m in this position. I’m defending them when I know there’s no way on gods earth they’d ever defend me. I should be able to talk to them like adults and not have to involve DD in it at all. How do I move forward from here?

If you're staying in contact, maybe keep it lighthearted for DD - smiley happy tone, "other people find all sorts of different things funny, how strange to find naughtiness funny, we much prefer knock knock jokes in our house etc."

Also reinforce that while you're around, your rules are all that matter and not to worry about what others say she should do/not do.

'I'd say its highly inappropriate to manipulate your child against your husbands parents'

If you think the OP is being manipulative, what are the grandparents being?

I’m with you CaveWomaan. I think they think being good grandparents is about what it means to them, not what it means to your child. It’s all about them so that’s why you are excluded.

You need to think of seeing them as a family event. What about meeting on neutral territory such as Sunday lunch in a pub/restaurant? Go somewhere where there is something to do, eg a playground, feeding ducks, River walk or even space to run around like a park. All of you do this together.

I would be livid about the smoking and the car seat! That is not acceptable so stand your ground. We only have my Mum and she would never ever have laughed at bad behaviour. I cannot understand where these idiots are coming from, but in order to continue seeing them, try and find neutral ground and take it from there.

Also it is not the role of grandparents to spoil children by giving them sweets, allowing them to stay up late and generally not adhering to house rules. Grandparents should love and nurture, respect the wishes of the parents, be helpful plus be a great source of learning and role models. My Mum isn’t rich but she’s taught my DDs a lot and always helped if I needed it. She never took over and that’s the difference.

Regardless of what the GPS are doing you should not be discussing it with a 4 yr old. No 4 yr old should be concerned about adult issues. This is for you and the GPs to sort out without involving your child.

Children do not have emotional maturity.

troodiedoo I'm sorry to hear that you were EA by your parent oversharing - a sort of parentification and definitely EA - but I don't agree that that's what the OP has done. Sharing with her daughter that e.g. MIL had never liked OP, that OP had had say PND and FIL had told her to get out of bed and cheer up - that would be oversharing, that would be EA. But she's explained to the kid in an age appropriate way, something that relates directly to her behaviour. The child has decided she doesn't enjoy it when her GPs laugh at her misbehaving and that seems pretty reasonable to me.

It is wrong and frustrating I've had similar experiences, the best thing to do is allow visits when both you and your husband are together with DD. But don't stand for it your the perents at the end of the day they probably take delight in seeing you stress and daughter misbehaving, in which case they are Very sad people indeed .

If they are slipping her chocolate and gifts or allowing her to watch television then that's what grandparents do

No they don't. Hate this attitude.

Oh I wish people would stop throwing around the term “emotionally abusive” like it’s a bloody catch-phrase.

Inappropriate to over-share with DD on this level - absolutely, but emotionally abusive? Do catch a grip.

OP the term pick your battles is relevant here. If your DP’s parents are actually putting DD in danger then that is one thing, but if they’re laughing at her running off and saying that she’s just a kid, then while the behaviour is undesirable the reaction to it might just be a gut reaction iyswim, assuming she’s not running into the road. But in that instance I wouldn’t engage with them and to her I would just point out that “no DD, I said no,” and compliance from her should be a matter of expectation. Them laughing at the behaviour isn’t them undermining you or encouraging her, if they were saying “silly mummy, you tell her no if that’s what you want,” would be.

Similarly with carseats. As long as they’re not actually putting your baby in a carry coT they’re a product of their generation who did things that way, and didn’t believe it harmed their dc. Mine is fifteen and there are things that I did back then which people talk about now as if we as parents back then were guilty of the most awful abuse imaginable (talking about weening at four months etc here) and I’d have no issue with telling a family member with a child that that was how things were done back then and that a lot of fuss is made over weening now which is unnecessary. But I wouldn’t give their four month old puree without their knowledge, iyswim?

So just smile, nod, and carry on as is. Children do learn to behave one way somewhere and another way somewhere else, that’s life some of the time. I remember telling my mum that she would reap what she sewed if she let mine and my siblings’ dc do as they wanted at her house, she laughed and said “oh no, if you teach them to behave well then they’ll do that at my house too...”. Oh how I laughed, but just let her carry on as none of it was dangerous or allowed in my house so it affected me not. She soon saw the light. .

Thank you @toomuchtooold you may have a point there. The phrase "emotionally intelligent" is a bit of a trigger for me and had me on high alert.

I do think thought that OP should take positive action with regard to contact rather that explain in laws behaviour to dd.

cave you have done nothing wrong. Kids pick up on everything.

It’s such a difficult issue when your in laws are like this. I full on fell out and went NC with mil regarding these issues. It’s not an easy option but it saved my sanity

I haven't got any solutions for you, OP, but you do have my sympathy. My ILs are also total knobs around my children. In your position, I'd gradually reduce contact time. If they notice and ask why, get DH to tell them straight.

*If they are slipping her chocolate and gifts or allowing her to watch television then that's what grandparents do

No they don't. Hate this attitude.*

Me too. With a passion. Grandparents NEED to respect the parent's parenting decision. You can have a wonderful relationship with your grandchildren without undermining their parents, going behind the parents' backs and deliberately doing things you know they don't want you to do.

The OP's in laws sound batshit.

And to the poster who asked if the OP's DH turned out OK (obviously implying that if he did it's OK for the in-laws to carry on regardless because look what wonderful parents they were and the OP must be an over-protective neurotic!) - well maybe, just maybe, he turned out OK in spite of his parents and not because of them.

*I deal with abused people all day. More often than not the abused replicated the behaviour and becomes the abuser."

That's a horribly stigmatising thing to say about abused people.

VioletCharlotte you are bang on. I had an awful role model growing up with my mum, who was very abusive. My dad is a wonderful person and I’m so grateful to him but he worked long hours and so didn’t know what was going on when he wasn’t in the house. I’d like to think I turned out well. That doesn’t mean I should just expose my DC to my mums abusive ways.

I’m really taking on board the posts saying that I possibly over shared with DD and that isn’t fair to her. I just didn’t know how else to deal with it as it’s very confusing for her but I appreciate I shouldn’t have made her piggy in the middle.

My dad is genuinely always trying to help us, when it comes to the kids. He loves spending time with them and he is good to them. We have lots of fun when he visits and there are never any issues. If I’m disciplining DD he would never interfere. He does, however, offer to help out and take the kids to the park so we can get a rest but what is lovely is, if I said “I might come along, it would be nice to get some fresh air”, he’d be delighted. With my in laws I just feel like they view me as a hinderence. Like I’m an unfortunate side effect of them having grandchildren, if that makes sense.

violetcharlotte should say RatherBeRiding

Well, if your PIL are keen to have time with just the dgc and not you or DH, they have gone the wrong way about getting it. They have undermined and ignored you and failed to take on board even basic safety points, let alone discipline. So now, quite rightly and correctly, you cannot trust them. I wouldn't either. I would be doing visits only with you or DH there. If anything needs to be said to them, ideally your DH will do it.

Holly that's an interesting article thank you. But your earlier comments sound very odd from someone who says they deal with abused people? Abused people have been abused by people who do not recognise or respect boundaries... Which is what ops pils have done.

Op is clearly open and honest enough to simply come on here for a quick reality check... Asking for opinions. She sounds very emotionally sensitive to me and very considerate of her child's feelings and her in laws.

Pp made a good point about inspite of your dd being emotionally advanced... It's running risk of putting too much responsibility on her.
As it for helicopter parenting and values it's the pils who are trying to ram thier values and way of doing things down ops throat and into the dc.

cave my df was the same and sometimes he had comment's, very rarely but always said kindly in nice way and we could chat about it with no issues. He would have liked to take dc out alone but sadly he was too immobile. He never ever pushed the issues or kept on about it or acted wounded... Or mimed or as you say kept inviting just the dc out!

My pils always want to take dc out and they do! But it's never enough

Ah fair play troodiedoo. I'm the same if someone says they're a shouty household/their kids aren't bothered by shouting (my mother was a rageaholic). You know like, possibly it is like that and it's all fine, but mother used to say that and it was total mince.

@toomuchtooold

OP, I think it's perfectly clear that you wanted to explain things to your DD in a way that would help her to deal with the confusing situation.
She feels, tho, that she can't deal with it.

Do they live far from you, so visits are always over a few days? Even if that's so, would it be possible to make only short visits to them - eg a few hours on the way to holiday somewhere else?

Hi Mxyzptlk

Yes, we live at opposite ends of the country. We have stopped staying at their house when we visit the area (my parents live not too far from them) and they are very hurt by this. DH tried to explain to them how upset we were feeling after DD was born when they were trying to force so many opinions on us and his parents stopped talking to him for at least a month. When they did eventually speak to him again, they said nothing about what he’d told them. Basically it’s as if the conversation never happened. He bared his soul to them and he’s not the type to do that on a whim and they’ve just dismissed the whole thing. It’s been an awkward relationship ever since. I’m sure they think I’m the driving force behind my husbands phone call and behind his feelings but it’s a mutual thing. We were young parents first time round and they tried to exploit that.

I think visits to them need to be kept short and very few, and don't have them to stay with you.
If they're hurt by that, too bad.
DH can have a go at explaining the reasons to them and, if things are still difficult for your DD and it isn't fostering the good relationship with GPs that you'd hoped for, there doesn't seem any point in keeping in contact with them at all.

I will probably sound mean but gps slipping sweets, chocolate or presents and allowing dd to do things i usually would not doesn't fly with me my dad and mil used to try this until me and dh started laying down the law we want dd to have consistancy they both now have a good relationship with our family unit as a whole and are wanted and included in most stuff whereas before we stood up for ourselves we avoided spending time with them because we found it overbearing and as though we wernt in controll of situations involving our dd it also started feeling like they were in competition with each other who could spoil her and let her get away with the most.

My best friend has a tendancy to really spoil my dd she has 2 children as well who imo do not have as many rules and boundries she used to give in to her childrens every whim and then give my dd whatever she was giving her dc until my dd started becoming really challenging i sat her down and asked her to stick to my boundries with my dd which she totally respected and once she saw it was working and my dds behaviour improved she applied a couple of those things to her own dc and now i have to say her dc are very well behaved most of the time and they seem to have a lot more apprication for treats and things.

Dont worry about what you said to your dd you were not in the wrong sounds like gp need talking to again but this time be firm with them GL OP