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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I’m turning DD against her grandparents?

100 replies

CaveWomaan · 09/02/2018 11:00

I’ve had problems with my in laws since DC came along. I don’t want to drip feed but there’s so much to this story and I don’t want to bore you all. They don’t have any respect for me as a mother, they always know best and the minute my back is turned, they do everything with DC that we ask them not to. Through all of this, I still take the children to see them and still have them come to stay with us.

Anyway, DD1 is now 4 and is very emotionally intelligent (I think that’s the best way to explain it). It’s always been difficult because if I asked her not to do something, MIL & FIL would then encourage her to do it and laugh about it, which in turn would encourage her more. DH and I have both asked them not to do this but they say they can’t help it

I sat DD down and explained to her that her grandparents love her very much but sometimes they laugh when she’s misbehaving and that laughing when people misbehave isn’t a good thing to do. I explained that none of us are perfect and this is just something the her grandparents do which in an ideal world, they shouldn’t really. I told her that I know it’s confusing for her but when they laugh, it doesn’t mean she should keep doing what she’s doing. She needs to listen to what I’m telling her and that I’ll keep her right.

Anyway, today she told me she doesn’t want them to visit now because she doesn’t like that they laugh at her when she’s misbehaving. I now feel awful and like I’ve handled this the wrong way. What should I do now? I’ve tried to reassure her but it doesn’t seem to be working.

Part of me is frustrated that I’m in this position. I’m defending them when I know there’s no way on gods earth they’d ever defend me. I should be able to talk to them like adults and not have to involve DD in it at all. How do I move forward from here?

OP posts:

Thistlebelle · 09/02/2018 13:05

Your DH has told them but have you?

Have you actually said “Please stop undermining me” ?

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 09/02/2018 13:13

If they don't care about your authority, will they care about DD's behaviour at school? There will be kids who will egg on others to behave badly and you don't want dd to end up being that kid who is naughty to elicit a laugh.

ppeatfruit · 09/02/2018 13:17

The child is 4 years old, surely at that age the parents need to be flexible, the GPs need to be as well. If there are humiliating rules to be followed by the child all the time then maybe the GPs are right.

We don't know.

JingsMahBucket · 09/02/2018 13:17

@jaimelannistersgoldenhand

If they don't care about your authority, will they care about DD's behaviour at school? There will be kids who will egg on others to behave badly and you don't want dd to end up being that kid who is naughty to elicit a laugh.

Oooh, good point. I didn't think about it from that angle, regarding your second sentence.

sallyarmy1 · 09/02/2018 13:20

I don't tell my DD what DGS and I get up to......and he doesn't tell her either.

WhyteKnyght · 09/02/2018 13:21

I wouldn't do any passive aggressive talking to the GPs through the children either, it's not fair for them - tell the GPs directly.

OP said in the original post DH and I have both asked them not to do this but they say they can’t help it.

It's not passive-aggressive to speak directly to the DC if the GPs have been asked to stop and won't. It's about helping the DC to understand boundaries: that they are to follow their parents' instructions even if other adults say they don't have to.

BertrandRussell · 09/02/2018 13:22

4 is much too young to be put in this position- that’s not fair at all. It was ridiculous to talk to her about it. Talk to your in laws, not your 4 year old!

RadioGaGoo · 09/02/2018 13:24

OP and DH did talk to IL.... without any success.

SockEatingMonster · 09/02/2018 13:27

My DD is a sensitive soul and would be upset if she thought people were laughing at her. Perhaps stress to your DD that her grandparents are not laughing at her but at the behaviour or situation? She might just be feeling a bit embarrassed.

It is a little hard to give advice out of context though. For example; laughing at disrespectful, unkind or unsafe behaviour is one thing, having a giggle over bending the rules of the board game is another.

SockEatingMonster · 09/02/2018 13:27

*of a board game

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 09/02/2018 13:30

I think she had tried to talk to the in laws about it but they didn't listen.

Op I agree it fine to start laying down boundaries to your child. Your not manipulating her. Its said your in this position really. So many awful egotistical arrogant people out there.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 09/02/2018 13:33

By the way we had to do something similar with our dd, we asked fil not do something unhygienic and he kept persisting, the problem is she saw them without us there a lot of the time.
So we had to talk to dd about not allowing said act.

Pearlsaringer · 09/02/2018 13:37

Don’t worry, it’s no big drama. You've confused her a bit, that’s all. Concentrate on correcting misbehaviour as you normally would. If her DGP laugh or encourage her to misbehave, say “please don’t do that, It’s confusing for DD.” There will be eye rolls. “And that isn’t helpful either” is the correct response.

Loonoon · 09/02/2018 13:41

When you think about it an awful lot of child rearing could be seen as manipulation. We reward what we see as 'good' behaviour and sanction less good behaviour in whatever ways fit our culture and family . This is essential to bring up children who can function in society.

You've actually given DD some control and autonomy here by letting her know that she is responsible for her own behaviour no matter what messages other people might be giving her. That's part of knowing right from wrong and developing a conscience.

Talk to your DD again and tell her that although her grandparents might not behave perfectly all the time they love her very much and they don't mean to hurt her feelings by laughing. Another important life lesson is that no one is perfect and tolerating loved ones minor imperfections is part of unconditional love. And If they do upset her by laughing and she gets upset it might get through to them.

SleepySheepy · 09/02/2018 13:42

I've had a similar problem many times, so I sympathise OP. I remember one particular incident where we were in a café, DS was approx 4yo and he started throwing rubbish across the café. I told him to stop and that it was not acceptable behaviour in a café, only to be interrupted by a family member who said 'Oh no, it's ok - I told him he could do it. It's a game' and then stared at me like they thought I would agree with them.
I had to point out that I am his mother and I will not allow him to throw rubbish across a café, even if they do think it's a good idea. It got a bit heated because they seemed to think they had some kind of right to rule over my parenting, but no way was I going to back down.
So firstly I had to deal with the adult that had caused the situation and then I had to explain to DS why what he had been encouraged to do was wrong (without blaming him, it wasn't his fault).
It's very frustrating to have people around you that don't respect your rules as a parent. I have resorted to treating the lot of them like kids and telling them all off...

Piffle11 · 09/02/2018 13:45

You've not manipulated your DD - you told the truth. I have had a similar problem with my DF: my DS has done some quite naughty stuff and my DF reacts with this really annoying stifled laugh ... it's quite theatrical and I don't know if he realises how bloody close I've come to giving him what for. I have to shut him down with a loud and clear 'it's not funny, dad' but of course that makes me the big bad wolf. MIL has her own version: when DS is in one of his stroppy moods she actively winds him up: 'oooh, look at youuu being all MOODY!!! WOOHOOO!!!' in a loud sing song voice: it gets him really upset, and this is after I tell her to leave him alone and he'll come round. Neither she or my DF think they've done anything wrong, and that I'm a big spoilsport with no sense of humour.

troodiedoo · 09/02/2018 13:49

In laws sound like a nightmare so up to you if you want to minimise, cut or supervise contact.

What you should not do any more is discuss in laws behaviour with dd. It's emotionally abusive. Don't mean to sound alarmist but no point sugar coating it.

Bekabeech · 09/02/2018 13:50

The simple response to parents/PILs who do this kind of thing is to see them less.
If they don't respect the parents, if they undermine family rules - then contact with grandchildren has to be minimised.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/02/2018 14:00

You say they are being 'disrespectful' but it's difficult to judge whether your parenting style deserves respect or not, without knowing what you consider 'bad' behaviour. Because there are a lot of people who are excessively strict or irrational, and it's in DC's best interests that they get to see not everyone else behaves like that.

RadioGaGoo · 09/02/2018 14:04

Ha! I certainly wouldnt use AIBU as a judge of whether my parenting style should be 'respected'. Can you imagine!

Original poster

CaveWomaan · 09/02/2018 14:20

Examples include:

Me asking DD to do something and her shouting “No!” PIL laughing uncontrollably.

Child running off whilst we’re standing next to a busy road, me telling her to come back and PIL laughing and saying “she’s fine! She’s just being a kid!”

There are millions of examples, some quite trivial, some more serious. Regardless, it’s not a grandparents job to undermine the parents in front of DC and encourage them to do whatever they’ve been told not to do. They’ve stood right next to my very young DC whilst smoking (albeit outside) and acted as though I’m totally unreasonable for asking them to step away a little. At times when we stay with them, they give DC loads of treats (which I know grandparents do) but towards the end of our trip, DD was refusing any food unless it was coated in chocolate or full of sugar. At that point DH said to MIL, we’re not going to give her any treats for the next few days as she’s now turning her nose up at her meals, every meal time. MIL took this as a personal attack and went on the defensive. She acts like we’re always being unreasonable but we’re actually pretty chilled out parents. She just wants to be the boss, that’s what her issue is. FIL is just as bad, if not worse. It’s all about control, it’s a power struggle. They want the authority.

OP posts:

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 09/02/2018 14:36

Good point reanimated. I do agree it's good to see other people's version of living as yes some people are strict.

If however my dd was being if I thought very strict with her dc I would try and talk to her about it rather than use her the child.

G120810 · 09/02/2018 14:40

Explain she's mixed it up but these people are over stepping it and doing everything you ask not to there is no respect so cut them off if they can't do as asked to do tell them this there behaviour will rub off on daughter and you don't need this you are more than reasonable with them as it is but you are her parent if they can't do the rules then they don't get to see her x

Original poster

CaveWomaan · 09/02/2018 14:44

I know everyone would say this about their own children but my 4 year old has already got quite a good concept of what’s right and wrong and is really pretty well rounded. No idea how her younger sibling will be as she’s only one and a little daredevil with a completely different nature. The way we have been parenting DD1 has been effective for her thus far. She’s ahead of her years in many ways, particularly emotionally. Even her nursery have remarked on this. Hence the reason I felt I should talk to her about it as it’s confusing when a parents giving an instruction and another family member is constantly undermining that. I felt she had reached an appropriate stage for me to give her an explanation for that. Although, in an ideal world, we’d have been able to resolve it directly with PIL but that wasn’t to be.

OP posts:

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 09/02/2018 14:46

Dint worry about op worse for child to think... Who is in charge here.. I'm not in safe hands.

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