To feel like I’m turning DD against her grandparents?

[CaveWomaan]

I’ve had problems with my in laws since DC came along. I don’t want to drip feed but there’s so much to this story and I don’t want to bore you all. They don’t have any respect for me as a mother, they always know best and the minute my back is turned, they do everything with DC that we ask them not to. Through all of this, I still take the children to see them and still have them come to stay with us.

Anyway, DD1 is now 4 and is very emotionally intelligent (I think that’s the best way to explain it). It’s always been difficult because if I asked her not to do something, MIL & FIL would then encourage her to do it and laugh about it, which in turn would encourage her more. DH and I have both asked them not to do this but they say they can’t help it

I sat DD down and explained to her that her grandparents love her very much but sometimes they laugh when she’s misbehaving and that laughing when people misbehave isn’t a good thing to do. I explained that none of us are perfect and this is just something the her grandparents do which in an ideal world, they shouldn’t really. I told her that I know it’s confusing for her but when they laugh, it doesn’t mean she should keep doing what she’s doing. She needs to listen to what I’m telling her and that I’ll keep her right.

Anyway, today she told me she doesn’t want them to visit now because she doesn’t like that they laugh at her when she’s misbehaving. I now feel awful and like I’ve handled this the wrong way. What should I do now? I’ve tried to reassure her but it doesn’t seem to be working.

Part of me is frustrated that I’m in this position. I’m defending them when I know there’s no way on gods earth they’d ever defend me. I should be able to talk to them like adults and not have to involve DD in it at all. How do I move forward from here?

What you should not do any more is discuss in laws behaviour with dd. It's emotionally abusive. Don't mean to sound alarmist but no point sugar coating it.

Oh no! I really hope this isn’t the case my mum was extremely emotionally abusive to me growing up. She used to pretend she was leaving. Tell me that if I didn’t do what she said, it meant I didn’t love her.

My main focus as a mother has always been to make sure I never treat my DC in that way and that they feel secure in their relationship with me. I’d be devastated if that’s what I’ve done to DD

I don't get on with my mum. She isn't harmful to my DCs tho she loves them (if not me) and I've never gone into full detail with them as to why we are NC. I don't feel I need to. Letting them have a relationship with GP doesn't diminish me in any way. Besides when you drag kids into things don't assume they're clones of you - they grow and in the end if they want a familial relationship with a relative you don't like then they will have one. Unless the GPs are emotionally and physically harmful I'd leave it. Sometimes it's creating a rod for your own back, and even more to think about. It would be nice if we all parented the same eg no sweets etc rules but we don't do we? So find ways around that, your child lives with you after all.

See my PIL think babies were safer in cars before “these new car seats” appeared. You could strap the carrycot in on the backseat and in the event of a crash, the carrycot would flip upwards so that nothing could harm the baby (apparently). They believe giving baby some alcohol is the way to sort any grievance. The list goes on, I really don’t trust their judgement or trust them to abide by our rules. There is so much to this story. I apologise for the drip feed, it wasn’t my intention.

I don’t think you’ve been emotionally abusive at all. You know your daughter best and as you’ve come from an EA environment you will be on red alert to doing anything similar. You sound very self aware and in tune with your daughter. It’s your inlaws that are the issue here. Either supervise all contact until they respect your and DH’s boundaries or start to reduce contact with them. A PP said that a relationship is not worth the effort if it doesn’t bring enjoyment (in the majority) to those involved in it. I agree with that wholeheartedly and whilst nobodies behaviour or actions are perfect, deliberately being obstructive, difficult or downright disrespectful to ones family is not a healthy role model for a child either. I think you and DH need to sit down with your inlaws separately and lay on the table what will happen here if their behaviour with your DD persists.

I think the approach used was wrong, especially for a child so young. Supervised access only, and clamping down immediately, possibly including removing the child from the situation would be better, I think. Restricting access may be necessary.

PIL sound quite thick and very immature. Given that, you take on the role of the adults. Limit and supervise their access. If they complain explain why.

And how did your partner turn out ? Ok or addled?

I'd say its highly inappropriate to manipulate your child against your husbands parents .... ah the old DIL / Inlaws problem ... but it's working isnt it, shes now been fed the line that granny and gramps are bad people and now doesn't want to see them.

I deal with abused people all day. More often than not the abused replicated the behaviour and becomes the abuser.

But I agree don’t put a 4 year old on the spot. She just wants to please everyone and everyone to love her. What you said isn’t a disaster but I’d clarify that it’s nothing for her to worry about.

They sound like a PITA OP.

I agree that at 4 your DD needs to her you back up your parenting in simple ways in front of everyone when PILs are undermining you.

What mummy says goes, basically.

And cut contact down as much as poss for an easier time for a while.

I think that at 4 years old your DD is too young for you to "talk to her" about the issue, as such: it's upsetting for a young child to feel caught in the middle with divided loyalties and a complicated dynamic they don't understand. But she isn't too young for you to give her a clear and consistent message that when you or her father tell her to do something, she is to do it irrespective of who else is present and whether they are interfering or not. In your first example (GPs roaring with laughter when she defies you) I would have spoken to her firmly and completely ignored them. If she seemed to be "playing to the gallery" then I would take her outside and speak to her there, away from the distracting laughter. Just concentrate on your DD and ignore the GPs when they undermine you. It sounds petty and annoying but pretty normal: not grounds for stopping her from seeing them or anything drastic like that.

And that famous phrase: "pick your battles". Try not to get overly worked up if the GPs sometimes let her do minor things you rather they didn't when she is under their care. Save your energies for the major issues.

I'd say its highly inappropriate to manipulate your child against your husbands parents

Don’t be ridiculous. OP was just trying to minimise the detrimental impact of PILs machinations. If anyone is trying to manipulate the child it’s the PILs.

CaveWomaan Fri 09-Feb-18 15:00:15
See my PIL think babies were safer in cars before “these new car seats” appeared. You could strap the carrycot in on the backseat and in the event of a crash, the carrycot would flip upwards so that nothing could harm the baby (apparently). They believe giving baby some alcohol is the way to sort any grievance. The list goes on, I really don’t trust their judgement or trust them to abide by our rules. There is so much to this story. I apologise for the drip feed, it wasn’t my intention.

They are a product of their generation, they really need to bone up on child care in the 21st century. I say this as a grandmother who does this so that we are all singing from the same hymn sheet so to speak.

I’ve never had them babysit because I’ve too many worries & concerns, I’d never be able to relax. We have only had the kids watched 2 or 3 times do not much of a big deal.

They’re always trying to take the kids out without us there. When they come down to visit, they’ll suggest they take the kids for a picnic or something along those lines. DH will be off work and I’m a SAHM yet they basically don’t invite us which is just, sort of awkward. They want to play Mum & Dad and can only do that if we’re not with them. They have never, ever suggested we all go somewhere together. It’s just weird. I’m from a large family who all get on (except for my Mum) and we’re always very inclusive. The more the merrier but they make it evident that they just want me out of the picture.

Because they can't relax and enjoy their grandchildren with you keeping your beady eyes on them. It's really not about playing 'mum and dad' most of the time. Yes, they can behave badly, but that doesn't mean everything they do is bad or has a bad intention.

On the contrary Holly she hasn’t been fed anyline by the sounds of it that the inlaws are horrible people. The OP has balanced out the statement about the inlaws to her DD, it’s not all negative about them by any means. If the OP senses confusion in her child then it’s her job as a parent to help her child understand that confusion. All this bollocks about her being EA is just that. If she was being so would she really be on MN talking about it?

But that’s the thing, I don’t poke my nose in. I’m all for having fun and a good time. It’s quite the opposite, it’s them who poke their nose in when I’m dealing with situations. When family come to visit, it should be a time to spend time together, have fun and make memories. That’s all I want. They never want me around and when I am around, they’re hell bent on undermining my role as a parent. It would be very simple for me to go NC and DH has considered this in the past, but I don’t. I want the children to have a good relationship with their grandparents. That’s why I persivere.

Other than my mum’s mum who sadly died when I was very young, I don’t recall ever spending time alone with my remaining GM.

We just used to visit her en famille and that was that.

There’s no particular reason for PIL to take them out alone, if you’re not comfortable with that.

They’re your kids, you’re in charge, you establish the boundaries that suit you.

Btw I think GPs are overated. Some people have great ones they’re close to, and that’s all good. But some people have crap ones. And I only had one post the age of 4 and we didn’t see her that often.

There’s not really a massive pressure to have the children know their grandparents. If your DH wants to limit contact to birthdays and Christmas say that’s his call.

I have a dc who sounds just as emotionally mature than your dd.
I think it’s actually quite tricky because you can explain a lot to them and they will get it. Even at that age (still the case now that dc is a teen btw).
The problem I see is that by telling them more you also give them more responsibility. Which is exactly what your dd has done.
So she has taken the best decisions regarding that situation.
GP are laughing. They shouldn’t be doing it and I, as a 4yo, don’t really know how to handle it so I’d rather not go.

I think you need wnsurevthat you are always present when you go and see your PIL and really take the responsibility to parent.
If her GP start laughing, do what a pp said ‘I’m talking to my dd’ and Serioulsy reiterate what you asked for.
Dont even start a discussion with them. This is the way you do things. That’s it. No other discussion.

Maybe if your DH has considered to go NC, You should listen to him.
A relationhsip I th grandparents at all cost isn’t worth it (talking from experience there)

They want to play Mum & Dad and can only do that if we’re not with them.

You mean they want to be grand parents and have a 1-2-1 relationship that isn't observed?

Watch those rotor blades
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201701/the-effects-helicopter-parenting

HollyBayTree but why do they NEVER want us there?

@CaveWomaan Sorry didn't mean to upset you. It's easily done. My f was ea and controlling and dumped on me a lot with his marriage problems etc. There have been times I've over shared with my own dd and recognised it afterwards. You yourself have recognised and that's the important thing.

Save me from psychology blogs. Where is an article on the effects of immature and rather stupid GPs?

I want the children to have a good relationship with their grandparents.

This may be what you want but the reality is you have to be mindful of the cards you've been dealt - those of toxic and narc grandparents.
Your idealism is enabling them to carry on undermining, disrespecting and walking all over you.....and trying to sabotage your parenting of and relationship with your dd.

Personally, i don't think you should have had that conversation with your dd, you made her piggy in the middle of adult bullshit.
It doesn't matter how emotionally intelligent she is for her age - she's still a 4 year old child
What you should be doing is dealing with the adults so she isn't exposed to their negative influences.