To ask if skinny shaming is as bad as fat shaming?

[upsideup]

I'm not trying to deny the reality of fat shaming or downplay the seriousness of it, I thinks its disgusting and rightfully as far as I am aware most people view it as completely unacecceptable, I'm just questioning why skinny shaming is still so socially acceptable. This thread is slightly inspired by some comments I have seen on other threads recently but is not a TAAT as such, I wanted to ask this question wihout derailing someone elses thread.

I am in stable recovery from anorexia now and have kept myself within the healthy BMI range for over 10 years, but my ED is irrelevant to this post as few people I now talk to know nothing about it, I dont know if they would be more sensitive if they did but it shouldnt matter, I know many slim people who have never had an eating disorder and are a healthy weight but who have experianced skinny shaming

I never comment on other peoples weight (big or small), I never purposely put anyone in a position where they would be made bad to feel bad about their weight or body because I know how horrible it feels. But just in the last few weeks I've had the 'Your so skinny' 'too skinny' 'Skeleton' comments from strangers and even 'Skinny bitch' comments. I've also been informed that men like bigger women and wouldnt my DH like me to have a bigger arse or when I decline food I am pushed to accept because 'I look like I could do with a cake' and this isnt by one individial, it's by many and in front of many, not once did anyone bat an eyelid and its normally just followed by laughter or agreement from others.

I guess I've never been overweight or been fat shamed so I cant get the full picture but AIBU in thinking skinny shaming is just as bad as fat shaming? and not understand why people dont think so?
I'm definately willing to be explained to why its not the same and that I am being unreasonable but please be a little gentle with me, I'm not trying to cause offence.

I'm finding this at the moment. I've lost a small amount of weight since September through healthier food choices and exercising and gone from 9 stone 9 to 8 stone. At only 5 foot 2 I am now a much healthier weight for my height. But apart from my dh, not one single friend has said anything positive about it. All I've had is "you've gone to far" "you've got scrawny" "you need a cake" etc. It's awful. My best friend is obese and has made several negative comments to me about it. Yet in our 35 year friendship I have never once told her she's gone too far with overeating. I would never dream of insulting her like that.

Thankyou for all your comments, I was worried I was going to get flamed in AIBU but even those who dont completely agree I do undertsand why there a difference

Noloot

Really? Thats great that you have never been shamed for you body size but believe me I have definately been shamed for being 'skinny'

Body shaming of any kind is bad.

But skinny “shaming” isn’t really as bad or worse because it’s not shameful in our society to be skinny. It’s desireable.

Even when people are mean about skinny models it’s usually in the context of making “normal” or fat people feel bad. Not because skinny is genuinely frowned on in anything like the same way as fat.

I hate when people say "you wouldn't dream of commenting on a fat person weight" erm yes I've had it SO much I've lost count.

I agree with blindassassin. It’s horrible to be either fat or skinny shamed, but the society we live in generally admires skinny people and they are not judged nearly as much as fat people. Nor discriminated against.

It IS unfair that people sometimes feel it’s fair game to make comments to slimmer people when they wouldn’t comment on fat people. And I’m not saying that it isn’t unfair and hurtful.
But it isn’t the same I don’t think. Because for every person you find who insults you for being skinny- there will be 100 others who admire you or are jealous. But if youre fat and insulted, that’s really about it. Everyone agrees.

DonnaMoss you have lost quite a lot of weight in terms of tbe percentage of your body weight that you've lost. Well done on that but you probably don't need to lose any more.

For everyone saying skinny shaming isn’t as bad fat shaming, how would you feel if you were told you’re not a real woman because you don’t have curves? Or having your mental health questioned because you don’t biscuits all the time (must be anorexic) or eat a big meal (must be vomiting it up afterwards)? I’m slim and healthy and sick to death of people thinking they can make disparaging comments about my appearance - it’s no better then playground bullying.

Commenting on people's weight in a derogatory way is unnecessary and plain rude, no matter if its calling someone too fat or too skinny.

I avoid mentioning peoples weight at all, if I think they've lost weight for example I would say something like "You're looking really well" as I don't know why they've lost weight could be through illness, or in fact they may just have had botox instead and that's why they're looking good, or they've picked an outfit that really flatters their shape.

Well done on your recovery OP.

Both types are absolutely horrible.

There are differences - the media largely putting out the message that being slim is the ideal (think fashion models/endless diet/exercise articles/unflattering beach photos of celebs who have put on a bit of weight), then there's the issue of plus size clothing (though some companies now do curve ranges, so many still don't cater to women above a 14 or 16), and studies have shown a bias against larger people interviewing for jobs. Society as a whole is a lot harsher on bigger people.

But as I said, any body shaming is vile.

Sorry for your experiences PPs - whenever someone makes fun of my body I tell myself I must be a pretty amazing person if the only thing they can insult is the sack of blood and bones I stand in

I've been skinny shamed and fat shamed. Both are as bad as each other IMO.

Skinny-shaming consisted of "you look like a pipe cleaner", gangly, ugly, flat-chested, no curves, "you're too thin - it makes me feel cold".

Gained about 35lbs after uni and was told I had let myself go, "you look pregnant", "you're tummy is too big now", I should eat healthily etc.

Lost it all again and back told I'm gaunt, no curves, too thin, anorexic, bulimic.

Op
I'm really sorry you've felt shamed.
Although I couldn't care I do understand some people do.
I agree with pp keep your personal comments to yourself. Whether thin or fat.

I'm 5ft 7 and weigh the same now as when I left school 30 years ago 8 1/2 stone, the only time I have ever weighed more than 9 stone was when pregnant. I left the hospital in my size 8 jeans both times. I've been told I'm a bad influence on my daughter as I obviously have an eating disorder, been accused of making myself sick, not eating etc etc. Anyone that knows me, knows I eat loads and have a pretty unhealthy diet I just don't put weight on. I was told my everyone ' you wait til you are 40 ' but 6 years later I'm still the same. My sister is overweight and gets the comments from the other side. It used to bother me but now I just let it go over my head. People will always find something to pick up on weight or not. But yeah, its as bad

I've been a victim of this.
I was once rendered literally speechless when a friend told me that there had been a rumour 'going around for months' that I was anorexic. I wasn't, and never had been. I was a size 10, had always been very slim (alas no longer) but never painfully thin - largely because I'd never been much of an eater, and wasn't keen on a lot of sweet things.

Once I'd recovered enough to speak, I asked said friend where the rumour had come from. Clearly embarrassed, she didn't want to say, but I made a correct guess, and she admitted it.

It was a so-called friend - one of those rather overweight people who are always on a diet they never really stick to. Her grounds for labelling me anorexic were that I'd turned down the offer of biscuits with coffee at her house! To her way of thinking, anyone who turned down biscuits - because she could never resist them - just HAD to be anorexic.

Not that I can remember now, but since I certainly did eat biscuits now and then she was probably offering custard creams or some other kind I would rather go without.

End of that friendship, though luckily it was never a particularly close one.

I have always been overweight and varied from an 18 to a 24 over the years. I have had some appalling comments made over the years, and the worst have been from other women. It was a real issue for me in the years after having my children and I almost became a bit of a recluse. You can't control what people are thinking about you, but verbal fat shaming is somehow socially acceptable and it's vile.

Its fucking horrible. Ive had comments all my life. My joints are particularly skinny. I have extremely skinny legs and arms and to make it "worse" I'm tall so it stands out more than if I were short.

The worst comment I had was from a teacher, in front of a class, who said I needed to eat more.

If you dont fancy dessert you're anorexic.

If you have seconds you must be bulimic.

As a teenager a gang of girls in my class gathered around me to say they were "concerned about my health".

As a child my mum was treated as if she wasnt feeding me properly.

The "big is beautiful" brigade make references to "real women" to help them with their own confidence issues.

From age 14 to 29 I never once wore a skirt or dress because I had become paranoid everyone was staring at my legs and knobbly knees and skinny ankles.

People have felt they can comment on it my whole life, in groups, circling my wrist and being like "OMG! WTF!!!!", telling me to eat more, telling me men dont like it.

I'm in my 30s now and I wear skirts and dresses. My limbs have filled out ever so slightly and plus I work out so they're a little muscled. I feel good about my body these days and actually now consider my legs to be my best feature. I could do with losing a little tummy flab (thats the irony of it all - Ive always had a small belly despite the skinny limbage).

A good rule is to keep your thoughts on peoples bodies to yourself.

Skinny shaming is just as bad. It stopped me from dressing the way I really wanted for the whole of my youth.

DD is very slim. She is 5ft 7" and somewhere between a size 4 and size 6. She is just made that way, with fine bones and a narrow frame. She tucks into cakes and sweets & eats full meals and is sporty and healthy BUT all her life we've had inquiries about her size, eating habits and the possibility of anorexia.

Injections at school have been a real issue too, as the nurses kick off about her "starving herself" to be thin and not having enough fat in her arm to inject into. They have reduced her to tears before. I've made complaints and if there are going to be jabs now, I write in beforehand and say that I want it noted that I will make a complaint to the highest authority if any nurse makes any derogatory comment about DD. If they have a genuine health concern, then they raise it in the proper way and not by shaming DD in front of her class mates.

Other girls at school have been unkind as well, telling her that even though she is slim, she is probably still fat inside around her organs (WTAF!) and telling her that she'll never get a boyfriend because she is too skinny.

I was always brought up not to comment unfavourably on anyone's appearance - so if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I was told it was rude to make any personal comment about someone, unless it was to pay them a compliment.

So, I tell DD that anyone who makes a comment about her is just rude and lacks good manners.

upsideup - well done on your recovery and stay strong. Don't let anyone else's rudeness throw you off.

needmysleep75

That is the one I find the most dificult, although I do have an eating disorder as soon as I found out I was pregnant with my eldest I have worked so hard everyday to keep myself at a healthy weight, to be a good healthy influence for my DC but being told the damage I am doing to my children by being skinny is absolutely ridiculous and incredibly hurtful

I like being called skinny by fat people

I don't!
Skinny insinuates that I look like skin and bone, I don't. I work damn hard to have lean muscle and keep a low body fat %.

I hear it all the time. I get told I eat like a toddler, then other times get "Where do you put all that?"
Then get told I have a fast metabolism, I'm lucky genetically. I'm not, I gain weight if I over eat like everyone else.

The only people who say that skinny shaming is just as bad are slim people who have not experienced true fat-shaming. It's not.

You could say the only people who say this sort of thing are those who have never been skinny-shamed. I was always naturally thin and it was unbelievable how often people commented on my weight - and also on what I ate - in a negative way. It was absolutely horrible. You just shouldn’t comment on someone’s appearance unless you are going to say something truly positive without any edge to it.

glitter I’ve had the OMG WTF about my arms too - once by a colleague who I barely knew. As a kid I’d always wear long sleeves because of this.

Oh yeah the not being a 'real woman' ones great too! Being told I look like a child, that I wont be able to find a man who fancies just 'skin and bones' or than 'real women have curves and real men like curves'
Oh and the worse one being questioned about my DH being attracted to me/ 'what is essesntially the body of a small girl'.

@Peeetle
I'd be interested to hear from both "fat" and "skinny" women on this point:

As a result of having so many comments, throughout my teen and YA years, I didnt act feminine as a way of trying to keep comments at bay (subconsciously). Its hard to describe but I would act kind of tomboyish in my body language, maybe because I thought people would find me ridiculous trying to be "feminine" when I didnt "look feminine" (in their eyes). Or maybe because I thought if they saw me acting feminine they wpuld think I definitely had an eating disorder.

Both are as bad as each other, equally as rude, and both have the potential to be equally hurtful to the recipient.

I completely disagree with the view that comments about fat people are worse than comments about slim people because society sees being slimmer as more acceptable. It's not about that, it's about how the person at the end of the comment is made to feel. The whole 'men like real women', 'real women have curves', 'big is beautiful' as if to imply that not big is not beautiful is disgusting.

Slim people have plenty of insecurities about their bodies, just as much as big people do and I think slim people are more likely to get comments about their size because of this ridiculous belief that it's not offensive because they're not fat, and it still feels horrible.

The only people who say that skinny shaming is just as bad are slim people who have not experienced true fat-shaming. It's not

I give you a clue, you are using the word shaming in both scenario. How is anyone being shamed supposed to feel?

I actually think it's much worst, because it's insidious, and whilst it might be jealousy, it's done in a more hateful way.

Even though I largely feel confident these days, there are still traces of baggage carried over from my skinny shaming days.

Example, ive just signed up for a beginners pole dancing class. Im excited but also really anxious. We have to wear shorts. So im going to be shut in a room, in short shorts, with a crowd of women, who may or may not be looking at my legs thinking "omg....so skinny....does she really think she can be sexy? Does she have an eating disorder?" Etc etc.

And as a result my "role playing" will take over - I'll act more affable or gregarious or clownish as a way of "reassuring" them. Does that make sense??