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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get annoyed when total strangers touch/stroke my baby without asking?

252 replies

GreebosWhiskers · 01/05/2007 09:44

ds is nearly 6 months & fair enough he is gorgeous (not that I'm biased or anything) but why do total strangers feel the need to have a grab at him when he's in his buggy? Doesn't matter where we are, on the bus, in a shop, whatever, there's someone stroking his cheek or grabbing his hand. I see their manky fingernails or nicotine-yellow fingers & shudder!
I know babies are cute & soft & cuddly but I'd never dream of touching someone else's baby without at least asking first.
So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Lwatkins · 02/05/2007 00:48

Surely if you don't want anybody to touch your child then you just say politely 'please could you not.....' when somebody goes to touch them. It's an act of kindness after all isn't it? Understandable that you want to protect your child, and you should do as you see fit. Some people don't mind, some people do.

I do think the worlds becoming a bit uptight with everything though. Like in nursery's now, if a child falls over and hurts themselves you can't flippin comfort them! You just have to tell them to 'be brave' whilst their knees gaping open! Think everything is getting a bit too, over protective? When I was a kid I rolled around in mud, ate bugs, sat in the dogs bed, shared my ice-cream with the dog, went to nursery where jerms were passed around like toys, picked my scabs etc. Never did me any harm and I'm as fit as a fiddle. Had my share fair of coughs, colds and flus but I'd say my immune systems better for it. All kids need a few germs, gonna get them at some point.

UCM · 02/05/2007 01:05

Just a quick one, today a man came up to us and wanted to shake my friends, mine & DS hand. We were sitting outside a cafe having a cup of tea.

TBH he smelt, was unkempt, may have been special needs or a piss head, not sure, so when my friend let him shake his hand and when he put out a hand for me, I said very politely, cupping my hands round my mug, 'I am drinking my tea, no thanks'. If he had tried at any point to shake hands with my DS I would have thrown my tea in his face. But there you go.

eidsvold · 02/05/2007 04:10

i too find it hard to deal with people at times over this situation.

Like kerrysmum I had a very poorly dd1 - until she was able to have cardiac surgery - getting ill would have killed her so I had to be very careful to not let her be shared around by people desperate to cuddle touch her etc. Thankfully they were usually put off by the ng tube etc and were too busy just gawping to want to touch her.

I don't mind people peering into the buggy and chatting about or to my dd3 ( 6 weeks old) but I do mind people touching her if I don't know them. i will happily chat etc. One day it was really frustrating I had to do some shopping quickly and was delayed by people touching etc dd3. So the next day thought I would solve the problem of having people fuss over her when I did not want her fussed over - put her in a sling - still had one lady ask me to undo the top of the sling so she could have a look. I politely said dd3 was sleeping and I preferred not to wake her.

I am never rude but I do prefer it if people could ask before they start smooching my baby. touching hand or foot - don't mind - face or something like that I do mind. I always ask - never touch without permission and I love babies just feel it is polite to ask.

Okay this probably makes me sad and unreasonable but that is how I feel.

liath · 02/05/2007 05:15

In support of Kerrymum, herpes virus can cause life threatening illness in a small baby and babies with eczema are particluarly at risk - if someone with a cold sore touched it then the baby they could cause a really nasty infection so I don't think she's being OTT at all.

twentypence · 02/05/2007 07:27

Ds is an extremely allergic child too and as a baby I wore him in a sling. A good side effect of this was that he wasn't handled by people that could have just been eating peanuts etc. I also used a sunscreen if he was in his buggy.

I don't cross rooms to pick up babies just for the sake - but I will hug, massage and pick up babies in my classes, both to demonstrate and if a mother has twins. I do wash my hands regularly - but that's more in an attempt not to catch all their bugs.

If a mother doesn't want me to touch her child it's usually pretty obvious, she keeps her baby close to her, and that's fine too.

franca70 · 02/05/2007 10:39

I'm a bit confused by herpes virus now. I thought it could be dangerous to newborns if they caught it in the birth canal (herpes genitalis), I didn't know that a cold sore could be so dangerous.

octo · 02/05/2007 10:48

I agree with the OP - I think its natural to be protective of your children - catching bugs to one side - but I have to confess that I hate my MIL picking up my ds3 because she smokes and doesn't wash her hands and is prone to sticking her finger in his mouth - at which point I almost pass out with contained fury Every hair on me stands on end and it feels like every muscle goes into spasm! DH has only just got up the courage to tell her not to smoke in front of the boys (ds1 is nearly six!) - do you think it would be unreasonable of me to ask her to wash her hands after she has smoked and wants a cuddle? I am happy for her to cuddle him (honest) but its when she smeels of fags and then he does that I get irate!

I am an ex-smoker btw and so have even more of an aversion to the smell!

chocolattegirl · 02/05/2007 10:49

I don't like this as I think children and babies are entitled to privacy as much as anyone else is. Would you grab an adult's face on the bus and tell them how gorgeous they are? Unless it is your OH you do it to, you could be looking at a smack round the chops yourself. Why do it to a child? I work on the basis that babies are likely to leak at either end anyway if touched .

I also don't like people disturbing children when they're eating - then they wonder why they can't concentrate on sitting still to eat when they're toddlers!!

grrr.

KerryMum · 02/05/2007 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IcingOnTheCake · 02/05/2007 11:01

My dd is 6.5 months now and now she aint a newborn people don't seem interested

sweeties · 02/05/2007 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bananabump · 02/05/2007 23:01

Just wanted to offer support to Kerrymum, it sounds like you went through a lot with your baby and your attitude is totally understandable and reasonable imho.

I don't think being cautious is bad parenting at a time in your childs life when he is most vulnerable, and I don't intend to let people (anyone) kiss my newborn on the lips or paw at him with dirty hands. That isn't to say I won't let people cuddle him or show affection, and no, I don't sleep in an oxygen tank.

handlemecarefully · 02/05/2007 23:18

I know someone with a baby who has a cleft lip. She is dying for someone to coo over and touch her baby, rather than lean over the pram, recoil in horror and then try to cover up their initial reaction

PinkTulips · 02/05/2007 23:19

that's so sad HMC

handlemecarefully · 02/05/2007 23:20

However, an aside - nobody need ever worry about me cooing over your baby. Can't stand babies. My own were tolerable....Give me a child 2 years + any time.

My reaction on seeing a baby is sympathy (for the parents) and profound relief (that it is all over for me)

handlemecarefully · 02/05/2007 23:21

It is Pinktulips - but she is a very together person and quite resilient. It bothers her but she has it in perpective.

Ooopsydaisy · 02/05/2007 23:25

Kerry, do you have a link for every single disease on the face of earth!

What are you trying to prove? You seem a very distressed mnetter obsessed with illness, bacteria, herpes...not a healthy way to live a life!

PinkTulips · 02/05/2007 23:26

what an odd reaction for anyone to have though.... i mean a baby is a baby, a sweet innocent little thing, no matter what they look like.

i've seen plenty of babies with disfiguring conditions and have never once even wanted to flinch away, if anything i want to hug them more because they deserve it, what sad pathetic fools to be scared of a little child.

i'm getting so angry on your friends behalf now

Hillls · 02/05/2007 23:26

How sad HMC

I get some funny comments and looks from people when I briskly usher my dd's awyay from their reaching out hands. Its been predicted that if my dd is now touched with an allergen (on their hands for example) my dd1 will go into anaphylactic shock and could be dead within 6 minutes!!! Very scary from those well wishers who say 'oh its ok still reaching out' NO its NOT!

I'm not an overactive mother and I dont need therapy (not for that anyway)

misdee · 02/05/2007 23:27

oh HMC, thats so sad.

one old lady went to coo over dd1 in her pram and recoiled and said 'what you done to her face?'

'she has bad eczema'

handlemecarefully · 02/05/2007 23:28

Well quite PinkTulips

PinkTulips · 02/05/2007 23:28

lovely misdee! bet you didn't want her touching dd3 anyway incase she caught some crazy from her?!

Hillls · 02/05/2007 23:29

OoopsyDaisy Kerrymum has had a difficult time and has learned most of this by experience, she like me has had to reasearch all this. You are lucky you have not had to.

misdee · 02/05/2007 23:32

pinktulips, it happened a lot. i didnt think dd1 looked that bad, but i was also asked if she had been burnt as well.

KerryMum · 02/05/2007 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.