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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not lend her money

90 replies

Ll81 · 08/02/2018 08:54

Family member had smallish windfall, enough to buy a mid range car but not a mansion. So she quit her job to have a break.

She's now spent it all and got debt and significant outgoings (like 250 a month on a PCP car that she is just renting). Bought lots of new shoes and car and has had to move somewhere cheaper as the two bed flat she was renting cost more than she used to take home each month.

She is being all proud about how little jobs pay (hasn't got an interview in months of trying) even though they pay just about what she used to earn. She seems to think this well paid job is just around the corner and will earn 3 times what she used to, even though the market rate for the job she did and all she has experience in was what she was on.

She's now asked to borrow 5k and said she will pay back in a few months. I want to just flat out say no and tell her that her situation is totally self made. I have savings because I work and don't spend it all on a car, shoes and coats. Or should I just say no I need the money (even though I don't and would lend it to a family member that was in dire need).

OP posts:

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 08/02/2018 09:51

New cars are stupidly expensive, so I wouldn’t be surprised if £30k+ was considered mid-range.

LizardMonitor · 08/02/2018 09:52

Say that
a) your savings is tied up in pension / bonds and would cost a lot to liquidate
b) you can't afford to sub her by £5k
c) whilst you appreciate her intention to repay it you can see no way that she CAN repay it so like any commercial lender you can't afford to let her have it with no repayment on the horizon. Also as far as you can see all the money would do is support ongoing expense that is beyond her means. Tell her that she needs to adjust her lifestyle to be affordable. And suggest looking at some relevant websites for advice on how to re-calibrate her budget.

She is obviously an idiot with no money sense whatsoever, and is now dusting off her sense of entitlement to tap everyone else for money.

Willow2017 · 08/02/2018 09:52

it IS...but you open yourself up to the responses of yes I can, I have a bonus due at work and my overtime is going to be paid and I'm selling xyz. Then even once she's assured you she can pay it back, you'll have to decline which will be awkward.

She cant say that she isnt even working!

Op unless you can afford to lose 5k just say no. She is never going to pay it back if she hasnt even got a job. Tell her you dont have spare money to lend to anyone.

LizardMonitor · 08/02/2018 09:54

A new Ford S-Max is £25-28k...

Violletta · 08/02/2018 09:54

i've never had a new car....

ObscuredbyFog · 08/02/2018 09:56

Tell her your savings are invested in stock market bond and everyone saw it tank the other day...

Orangecake123 · 08/02/2018 09:56

No don't do this!

Meadwaymumof4 · 08/02/2018 09:56

No! Absolutely not. I have lent my best mate money once. It’s beenover a year and I will never get it back. There’s still a understanding my friend will pay me back, but in 12 months she has made one payment.
She hasn’t even offered to pay me £5 here and there. I am ok to right it off. But I’m not telling her that. Because she genuinely was / is always in debt. She is useless with money.
I would never do it again as for months I have resented her for it, seen her buy her kids expensive gifts, treat her BF to all sorts, buy expensive clothes. I’m over it now but it’s a can of worms. I now tell her I’m skint too.
Please do not do it. You will do it as a favour but she will make out your the villain if she can’t repay you

lurkingnotlurking · 08/02/2018 09:57

The only people I would ever feel comfortable asking to borrow that much money from are parents. With a strict plan on when it will be paid back by. You don't need to give an excuse

wibblywobblywoo · 08/02/2018 09:58

Just say 'No, I'm sorry I can't' or 'No, I really can't, and to be honest I was thinking of asking you for a bit of a sub given your windfall, things are a bit tight for me at the moment....' whatever, just say No.

CoraPirbright · 08/02/2018 10:02

i've never had a new car....

Neither have I, Violetta. My £30-£50k was just a guess!! But my point still stands. Why give up your job when by living normally, just paying your average bills and not splurging on designer gear, you could easily burn through £30k in under three years. (Or if you live somewhere like London, under 2 years). Then you are left at the end of it with no money, no job and an inexplicable hole in your CV.

Lunde · 08/02/2018 10:10

Just say no.

She has no money, she has no income - so how would she pay you back?

You would never see the money again

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2018 10:14

IT WAS A COAT. NOT A CAR.

Sorry to shout.

This woman is batty. Fancy giving up your job when you come across a few grand. You’ll never see it again. She got herself into debt, she needs to get herself out of it.

MichaelBendfaster · 08/02/2018 10:15

Is saying I don't think she's in a position to be able to pay it back anytime soon an acceptable response?

No. It's not up to you to judge that – or at least, not to say it to her! Just say 'No, I can't lend you the money.' If she asks why, just repeat 'I can't lend you the money. It's not up for discussion.'

Collaborate · 08/02/2018 10:19

Just tell her you can't afford not to get it back, so won't be lending it.

BarbaraofSevillle · 08/02/2018 10:21

I thought a midrange car was 20,000 to 30,000

I would agree with this. The 'standard' car that people lease at my work is something like a Golf or Skoda Octavia estate. A mid range model of one of these is around £20-25k.

Definitely nowhere near enough for anyone to give up work and live the high life. It's about 2 years take home on FT NMW.

OP, do not lend your relative a penny. It will not solve her problems, especially as she is quite likely to continue to spend it on luxuries, rather than paying the bills and you will almost certainly never get it back. It doesn't matter if you have savings, they are your pension, security etc, not hers. If she hadn't wasted all her money and walked out of her job, she could have money to fall back on too.

She needs advice on claiming benefits, job seeking and debt management, not the sticking plaster of a few grand to tide her over - she will still be in the same position in a few months time. She also needs to sell some of the shoes/coats she's bought.

Is there any way she can return the car without huge penalties? You sometimes can, depending on how long you've had the agreement. If she is renting, is she entitled to HB? Can she go back to a similar job she had before? Agency work?

Alwayslumpyporridge · 08/02/2018 10:23

Just say that you haven't got 5K to lend her

Honeycombcrunch · 08/02/2018 10:28

I've had a family member asking to borrow money regularly so here are the excuses I've used:

I can't afford it.
There's a hole in my roof which needs fixing (true at the time)
I don't lend anyone money, especially family.
Why don't you get a job? (They stopped asking after that!)

Personally, I think it's fine to tell her that she has to sort out her finances herself as she has been cheeky enough to ask for money.

GhostWriter666 · 08/02/2018 10:28

No, I wouldnt.

1...SHE quit her job....so her own fault. (if she wanted a break then reducing hours would have been the sensible thing to do)... So she is impulsive and doesnt think things through.

2...She is in debt....I assume to companies who will use debt recovery companies and so would NEED paying first before you get your 5K back.

3...she doesnt seem to manage money well....so when is she going to save up enough to pay you back?

4...she hasn't had an interview in so long, so why would she suddenly get a big wage job soon....she needs to set her sights a bit lower and get any money coming in (whilst still looking for another higher paid job)

I personally don't think you would see any of the 5k again anytime soon.

Violletta · 08/02/2018 10:39

@Mummyoflittledragon
Family member had smallish windfall, enough to buy a mid range car but not a mansion. So she quit her job to have a break.

She's now spent it all and got debt and significant outgoings (like 250 a month on a PCP car that she is just renting). Bought lots of new shoes and car (this was the COAT bit) and has had to move somewhere cheaper as the two bed flat she was renting cost more than she used to take home each month.

(if this is what you mean, and if i am right?)

BarbaraofSevillle · 08/02/2018 10:58

To reiterate the point/question in the OP, if you want to give a reason, which you shouldn't have to, 'No, I don't want to' is perfectly reasonable, then take your pick of

no because you can't pay it back
no because you haven't made any real effort to find work and are delusional that you are about to walk into a well paid job you have no qualifications or experience for (she could have got temporary retail work at Christmas or care work fairly easily - both are usually desperate for staff)
no because you wouldn't prioritsing repayment over continuing to spend on luxuries.

I think money just burns holes in some people's pockets. They can't not spend what they have (or even don't have). And if they find out other people have money that they aren't in the process of spending, they want to get on with spending that too. The concept of people saving for retirement, rainy days, annual expenses or 'just because' is just alien to them.

FluffyWuffy100 · 08/02/2018 11:01

no way!

Just say you haven't got spare cash to lend.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 08/02/2018 11:28

Mummyoflittledragon

IT WAS A COAT. NOT A CAR.

Sorry to shout.

Nobody is saying she bought a car. She had a windfall which would have enabled her to buy a mid range car. It’s in the op (shouty pants ).

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2018 11:47

Violetta
Dailymail

Op said she bought a car then a coat. That was what confused me, so perhaps it take much to confuse me. 😳 Anyway yes, my shouty pants are big, black and come up to my arm pits. So no need for a bra today. If I fart, I may end up on the ceiling.

Lizzie48 · 08/02/2018 12:22

Don't lend her the money, OP. It's the best way to ruin a friendship, I've found that out through bitter experience. I wouldn't say why, though, as she'll only justify her choices to you.

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