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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend her money

90 replies

Ll81 · 08/02/2018 08:54

Family member had smallish windfall, enough to buy a mid range car but not a mansion. So she quit her job to have a break.

She's now spent it all and got debt and significant outgoings (like 250 a month on a PCP car that she is just renting). Bought lots of new shoes and car and has had to move somewhere cheaper as the two bed flat she was renting cost more than she used to take home each month.

She is being all proud about how little jobs pay (hasn't got an interview in months of trying) even though they pay just about what she used to earn. She seems to think this well paid job is just around the corner and will earn 3 times what she used to, even though the market rate for the job she did and all she has experience in was what she was on.

She's now asked to borrow 5k and said she will pay back in a few months. I want to just flat out say no and tell her that her situation is totally self made. I have savings because I work and don't spend it all on a car, shoes and coats. Or should I just say no I need the money (even though I don't and would lend it to a family member that was in dire need).

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 08/02/2018 09:16

Just say sorry I'm not able to do that.

Keep repeating as she asks for 4k, 3k, 2k, 1k

She could sell her coat?

What type is it?

feska5 · 08/02/2018 09:23

Just say sorry I’m not in a position to lend you any money and you are not in a position to pay me back. No negotiation whatsoever. If you relent you will never see your money again. She’s proved herself to not be able to manage her finances.

Snowydaysarehere · 08/02/2018 09:26

Ebay will sort out her problems. . Easy to sell bags +shoes on there tell her!!

mummmy2017 · 08/02/2018 09:31

Just tell her you don't have any.
Keep saying it.
Don't explain.

rocketgirl22 · 08/02/2018 09:31

Good god no way unless you are so wealthy you don't need to see that money again.

As tempting as it is to tell her the real reason, I would keep it to yourself.

Be kind, offer her the debt helpline number and budget management options, but none of your money.

KimmySchmidt1 · 08/02/2018 09:32

As you say, she has not had a one off crisis that is temporary, she has just been showing off and materialistic for a while spending beyond her means and buying things she doesn’t need.

If that behaviour doesn’t change she will neither be able to pay you back nor stop herself getting in more debt.

Lending money to family usually ends up in heartache.

You could just say to her you don’t have it available but that you think she would be much better off in the long run having a sensible sober look at her spending and adjusting it down - as that is how you manage your finances.

CoraPirbright · 08/02/2018 09:32

Good grief! Enough of a windfall to buy a medium car...so, what, about £30k? £50K? WHO on earth quits their job because of that?? Utterly ridiculous. It might sound like a huge amount of money but it doesnt really go that far these days especially if you are not working and have no other income.

I dont think there is anything to be gained by telling her that her situation is her own stupid fault - I am sure she knows! I would just say no and a pp’s suggestion of saying your money is tied up in ISAs/long term saving plans and you do not have instant access is a good one.

FingersCrossedHard · 08/02/2018 09:33

Is saying I don't think she's in a position to be able to pay it back anytime soon an acceptable response?

It IS...but you open yourself up to the responses of yes I can, I have a bonus due at work and my overtime is going to be paid and I'm selling xyz. Then even once she's assured you she can pay it back, you'll have to decline which will be awkward.

I would just say I'm really sorry, I can't afford to lend out any of my money ATM. That's it then, it can't reasonably be argued with can it?

LagunaBubbles · 08/02/2018 09:34

of course yanbu, why would you even consider this, crazy! And you dont need to say why.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 08/02/2018 09:34

You are right not to lend her the money - you would clearly never see it again.

I wouldn't tell her I had the money but was choosing not to give it to her because she has created her own problems. I would tell her I don't have money to spare, and strongly encourage her to take any job she can get and talk to her creditors about a repayment plan.

FingersCrossedHard · 08/02/2018 09:37

Good grief! Enough of a windfall to buy a medium car...so, what, about £30k? £50K?

Have to Grin to myself at the realisation that some mnetters ideas of a mid range car is £30-£50k worth 😂

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 08/02/2018 09:38

Why would you say why? You’re absolutely right to think it, but unless she has specifically asked for your financial advice, then you will only piss her off. Don’t do it! Just bite your tongue a bit harder and say you can’t lend her any money.

I have to bite my tongue a lot with some family too. It’s the only way NOT to fall out with each other. And you are both adults. You don’t need to lecture her on her, (admittedly, foolish), spending habits.

Violletta · 08/02/2018 09:39

why are you just not saying no i dont have £5k? simple

Twillow · 08/02/2018 09:39

Buy car with windfall - great.
Buy shoes and bags with excess cash - fine.
Give up job and do above - defies any logic.

What did she expect? All self-inflicted.
Do not help her, you will not see your money again.

Violletta · 08/02/2018 09:40

Good grief! Enough of a windfall to buy a medium car...so, what, about £30k? £50K?

Have to grin to myself at the realisation that some mnetters ideas of a mid range car is £30-£50k worth 😂

so how much is a mid range car worth?

if she got enough to give up work surely 30-50 isnt out of range?

babyccinoo · 08/02/2018 09:40

Just say you don't have the money.

Never tell people how much you have in savings. It can make even those closest to you feel entitled to some of it.

KinkyAfro · 08/02/2018 09:40

Unless she knows you have money then just tell her you don't have it

Ellie56 · 08/02/2018 09:44

Just say you don't have 5k (or any other amount) to lend.

rumbelina · 08/02/2018 09:46

If you really want to give a reason then just say you don't lend money as you know it can go badly wrong and people have lost friendships/family members over it. Say it wouldn't be fair on her or you.

BaronessBomburst · 08/02/2018 09:46

I thought a midrange car was 20,000 to 30,000?

rumbelina · 08/02/2018 09:46

And additionally it's taken you ages to save that money and you never know when you may need it - what if you got made redundant next week?

ilikefastcars · 08/02/2018 09:48

Seriously, just tell her you haven't got that kind of money spare!

thecatsthecats · 08/02/2018 09:50

Have to grin to myself at the realisation that some mnetters ideas of a mid range car is £30-£50k worth

I genuinely don't know whether you mean it should be more or less!

From TV ads/Top Gear, I know small cars begin at about £7k-£15k, and new family saloon types at £25-40k, and super/sports cars £70k plus.

£30-50k sounds right for mid-range by that reckoning? :s

(My current car cost £1350 four years ago though, so what do I know?)

KC225 · 08/02/2018 09:50

If she knows you have savings, tell her your money is tied up in along term scheme that you cannot access without giving lots of notice and being charged a large penalty. So you wound rather not.

MazDazzle · 08/02/2018 09:50

Just say no. You don’t have to give any explanation at all.