To be OVER fussy eaters

[vwlphb]

Both my kids (3yo and 5yo) are fussy eaters. So is my OH. The kids weren’t always bad, they used to eat anything. Through toddler years they became more and more fussy and now dinner is one long constant parade of “I don’t like that” “I’m not hungry” EVEN when I cook things they have actually requested. I can barely get a vegetable into every either of them.

I have tried everything from nonchalance to “just try a bite and if you don’t like it, leave it” to saying nothing, to making dessert contingent on making a decent effort at dinner. Nothing works. Half the time they take two or three mouthfuls, claim not to be hungry and leave the rest.

They are not overfed and my girl in particular is a rake (admittedly similar body to me as a kid). I’m at the point where I feel like not bothering to spend half an hour every day preparing healthy, home-made dinners that might possibly appeal to them.

As a separate issue, my OH and I eat separately (involving cooking a second meal) partly because of his work and kids bedtime timetables and partly because of the minimal crossover between what they will eat and what he will eat. His fusiness excludes all seafood, several meats, several vegetables, anything he deems to be “too fatty”, anything that’s insufficiently filling (eg not enough carbs or protein for his liking), and he won’t eat simple children-friendly meals as that is apparently too boring for him.

Because of aforementioned timetables, I cook most nights a week, and do all the meal planning and I’m starting to feel fucking fed up. I used to love cooking and eating and now I feel I do most of my cooking to cater to other people’s tastes and miss out on loads of things that I would like to eat.

AIBU to want to tell everyone to eat what I feel like eating or fend for themselves for the next month?

Agree with pp that eating with your kids is really important. Not only do you model good eating and table manners (which they’re not going to get from their siblings ) but as they get older it’s also a great opportunity to sit and chat to them. Personally I think the benefits of eating with your kids if you can, even just a few nights a week, is far greater than the benefits of always eating with your partner.

And the lovely meals we have now with the kids (14), we have waited a long time for. Meals always work better when dh is at the table with us - less stressful, but more often than not he isn't and work better if dh and I sit side by side at the table, as we are less likely to talk to each other and more likely to engage with the kids.
Sometimes I get the kids to meal plan if they are getting frustrated with my choices, maybe your dh could meal plan, it may help him appreciate the problem a bit more.

I cook a range of different things to keep it interesting, I do make things that i know mh kids like but also that they don't, they have a choice of eating it or not eating anything at all. so guess what, they eat it all up.
It's always healthy, nothing that tastes too strongly, Its been a while since they've been 'fussy" now.
we do also take them out to eat at all types of different cuisines and they actually enjoy it now.

@RosyPrimroseFace sorry, I missed your post earlier. Food is definitely a difficult issue in his family... siblings and one parent struggle hard with weight control, other parent has very plain tastes in food. OH is actually something of a gourmet in the sense that he likes extremely sophisticated food, but with a limited range of ingredients. Which is fine if you’re at a fancy restaurant but a pain in the ass to cater to on weeknights.

At least 5 nights out of 7 we eat with the kids. We think this helps to show them how to behave at the table and how to eat, neither is fussy as they see us eat the same as them, but there is time yet for this to change! The kids eat the same food as us although if curry or chilli I don't put as much spice in. We never say we don't like something as we don't want to give them ideas. If they aren't hungry and they want leave it we tell them there is nothing else til next mealtime but we never force them to eat or make a fuss, some time it is difficult not to force feed but it's amazing how often it gets eaten once we say they can leave it.

As for your OH! I normally tut when I hear the mumsnet brigade's ' leave them to sort their own ' but in this occasion I agree, cook what you are having and they can eat it or leave it, obviously if it's something they hate rather than something they aren't keen on or just dislike that is different

Good luck , but try eating with them rather than fussy oh

Cut the snacks out, or at least cut right down, they have breakfast, lunch, dinner all within a very short timeframe. As many snacks as they like after dinner.

I’m not a big fan of changing their dinners completely to something they would not usually eat and the like it or lump it view tbh.

Mealtimes should be a pleasant, positive experience. I also wouldn’t worry too much about veg, if they eat fruit. Most children prefer one or the other.

Take the kids shopping, give them a basket, no sweets or snacks allowed. Just any new dinner food they like the look of. You do the same. (Not everyday obviously!) prepare and cook it together, all try some.

Ask them to choose a food they really don’t like the look of, all have a game of dare!! I dare you to try some, I dare you to go first etc

Usual everyday dinner, prepare, cook together, involve them, put some of what they usually eat, some of what you like out to eat.

Or Buffet food, plates empty, food in the middle help yourself.

Mix it up a bit, have some fun, experiment!

Just wondering, are they at Nursery/school. Do they have a full meal there?

Great suggestions, thank you @shedmicehugh

I am assuming your OH has always been a fussy eater? You can't change him but you can stop enabling his behaviour. You are his partner not his mother, stop cooking and food shopping for him.

What do the DC eat? I'd plan simple meals with the foods they do eat. I'd also stop the snack and bring dinner forward for them even by as much as an hour, you can always offer rice cakes or fruit later if they seem hungry. I'm one of those people that if I eat so much a biscuit it spoils my appetite.

Fussy kids are one thing but fussy adults are another.

I'm on a lot of diet facebook groups and get repeated posts of adults saying "I don't like any fruit or veg, looking for meal ideas"

WTAF?!

OP I feel for you. I was a fussy eater, but grew out of it as an adult. Two of my DC were fussy eaters. DH was a dustbin, thankfully.

I do think there is a genetic element and it’s not about just being awkward. Have you tried home made soups? Nutrients are better absorbed and you can serve tiny portions and freeze the rest. Chuck a few lentils in for protein, they will never know.

I used to get my DC to have four mouthfuls of anything new. Sometimes the brain just needs a moment to work out a new taste/texture. Four is easy for them to count and occasionally it worked.

Get DH cooking, it may be a control thing for him. He might cope better with his own creations.

Good luck!

I used to put the TV on as soon as the DD's came home, and do veg sticks and things on a plate and just leave it on the table.
Strange how they would bit something if it looked good, and was there.

As for food, make dishes of different things and put it all on the table, make sure there is stuff that YOU want to eat, and just leave them to it, no desserts, at all in the house or snack stuff you don't want them to eat.
If a child is faced with nothing, or food they don't want to eat but can it's strange how they will pick and eat. As said small things, a spoonful or so, no pressure does work.

Bring meal time to 4.30 to remove the temptation to give them a snack

Would your DH get involved in a game of food dare? For the kids sake obviously

It sounds as if he came from a family who all had food issues and never experimented with food

I agree with pp that you should cut the after school snack completely. If your DC are really hungry they are more likely to eat dinner. One of my DC was fussy and for each meal we had everything served up separately in bowls which would always include something I know she liked. She's now an adult who absolutely loves cooking and eats everything.

With your OH his choice of meal should be take it or leave it. Better still, tell him that you will be eating with the DC and he has to sort his own dinner out because you are fed up with his rudeness!

When you are a grown adult and someone is doing a chore for you. You. Don't. Complain.

If you don't like the way they do it. You. Do. It. Yourself.

I always wonder on these types of threads how the dynamic develops.

If I whinged at DH about something he was doing for me he would tell me to pull my head in and do it my bloody self then and so would I.

We hardly ever fight but I can't imagine letting the sort of behaviour in the OP go. Doesn't it just make you angry and resentful.

Kids are kids, you can train them and they are annoying by default. But an adult? No fucking way.

Another saying cut out the snack (or at least ditch the cheese - everyone on Mumsnet says protein keeps you feeling fuller for longer, don't know whether it's true). This is something that's crept in in recent years, possibly with pre-school, nursery etc with children being away all day far younger. At infant school, I'd have school dinner at 12, leave school at 3, walk home 0.75 mile, and still hold out till 6pm tea, and this was the same routine as my friends.

I can remember at weekends being so hungry before Sunday lunch that I'd be running around like a mad thing trying to blot out the smells coming from the kitchen. I'm sure I'd have fewer weight problems if I had the willpower to let myself get that hungry nowadays.

I'm with the 'person who shops and cooks gets to choose' contingent.

This is how it runs in our house since I called time on DC 1&2s fussy, limited eating habits when they were 3 and 5.

I just don't sweat it anymore. Eat it or leave it is the attitude. Nobody has starved to death yet.
Yes, they do moan about some of the things I cook but it falls on deaf ears. I have provided a good nutritious meal and the choice is there to eat it or not. No alternatives offered and no pudding.

My DH though, eats anything I make without complaint. Sometimes there are things he's not mad keen on but doesn't say a word because he has been presented with a dinner that he only has eat. He barely cooks at all so knows when he's on to a good thing.

My MIL once told me that she cooked FOUR different meals some nights. Ridiculous. She'd cook for her and FIL, then if SIL was there (married but her H worked shifts and she "can't cook" so she would take her children to MIL's) she'd have some but she's picky so would have different sides and then SIL's children are ridiculously picky and so there would be another 1 or 2 meals. One of the children would only eat tinned macaroni cheese. The other hot dog sausages!

I suppose the children's meals aren't really cooking, just heating up, but even so, it's still ridiculous. MIL shouldn't have indulged them though.

I think you will just have to say to him

1 kids need a healthy example to follow
2 not reasonable to expect you to cook more than 1 meal a night
3 not too bad now but what if kids continue down a v fussy path, you don't want a situation where you are catering 4 different meals a night. So now is the time to get good habits and attitude going
4 so you will do a variety of healthy meals. He can eat it or sort something else out if he doesn't fancy it.

Remind him if he was single he'd have to sort himself out

Maybe help him put together a list of meals he can prepare at weekend and freeze or cook quickly when he gets in

We do this but roles reversed. DH batch cooks. I invariably get sick of it. I sort something else for myself those nights.

Re the kids, persistence is key. Remember they are v small and don't really have food preferences the way adults would. You offer a variety of food but up to them to eat it. Remember all food is new to them so talk about it, it's taste, smell texture. Say it can take time to get used to a new food. Eat it with great enjoyment yourself. Praise your cooking and show pride in it

Hardest bit is no pressure. No comments. Once the food is on the table, your responsibility ends. Good book I read which helped me enormously in this phase was Ellyn Satter's How to get your kid to eat, but not too much

here

Agree food 2h before dinner might be dampening their appetite. Could they eat dinner a little later?

For the DC my best tips are - allow them three specific dislikes each which you don't put on their plate (eg 'mushrooms', but not 'vegetables'. Cook things that are separate mainly, not all mixed up. Eg meat and two veg, ham eggs and chips. Play to their strengths, so if they like Heinz tomato soup, and you want them to try homemade soup, make it tomato. Chicken nuggets, make chicken strips. Some kids will grow out of it, some won't though.