To be OVER fussy eaters

[vwlphb]

Both my kids (3yo and 5yo) are fussy eaters. So is my OH. The kids weren’t always bad, they used to eat anything. Through toddler years they became more and more fussy and now dinner is one long constant parade of “I don’t like that” “I’m not hungry” EVEN when I cook things they have actually requested. I can barely get a vegetable into every either of them.

I have tried everything from nonchalance to “just try a bite and if you don’t like it, leave it” to saying nothing, to making dessert contingent on making a decent effort at dinner. Nothing works. Half the time they take two or three mouthfuls, claim not to be hungry and leave the rest.

They are not overfed and my girl in particular is a rake (admittedly similar body to me as a kid). I’m at the point where I feel like not bothering to spend half an hour every day preparing healthy, home-made dinners that might possibly appeal to them.

As a separate issue, my OH and I eat separately (involving cooking a second meal) partly because of his work and kids bedtime timetables and partly because of the minimal crossover between what they will eat and what he will eat. His fusiness excludes all seafood, several meats, several vegetables, anything he deems to be “too fatty”, anything that’s insufficiently filling (eg not enough carbs or protein for his liking), and he won’t eat simple children-friendly meals as that is apparently too boring for him.

Because of aforementioned timetables, I cook most nights a week, and do all the meal planning and I’m starting to feel fucking fed up. I used to love cooking and eating and now I feel I do most of my cooking to cater to other people’s tastes and miss out on loads of things that I would like to eat.

AIBU to want to tell everyone to eat what I feel like eating or fend for themselves for the next month?

I think it must be very hard for the children not to pick up on DH's fussy eating. How about with friends, at Christmas, or when going out somewhere that involves food? Just because they don't eat with him at night they must be aware. "Daddy doesn't like fish/broccoli/blah blah, does he?" is the type of comment that my 5 and 2 year old could easily make in everyday life.

It isn't an easy path for you, as I don't think the solution is a defiant "I'm cooking what I like!". I would be setting out to him that he has a real problem, which is likely affecting the health of his children. And asking him to look into therapy. If he thinks it's fine to only eat a few things you might have to gather some evidence that the children could develop real eating disorders if they are left to believe that food exists as a psychological battle ground.

I get the impression he thinks this is not a problem though. Again, for me this would hugely affect my marriage. Not because he is ruled by fear about food but because he can't get over that to acknowledge how he is making your life difficult.

What was food like growing up, for him?

Generally kids will grow out of it (both of mine did) but sounds like your DH hasn't! Yes to him sorting his own meals, suggest he does some batch cooking for the freezer of things he likes at the weekend. Sounds like you're doing all the right things as far as the DC are concerned, have you tried hiding veg in sauces etc? I used to make a big pot of tomato and veg sauce and stick all sorts in it, whizz it up in the blender and freeze it for use on pasta (something they would always eat) and on pizza. Can't offer a magic solution I'm afraid but it will get better (most adults aren't like your DH)

My almost 3 yr old is skin n bones and I hate it! (I’m a feeder mummy!!) he only takes a few bites of any meal and he’s done. Now he’s decided to boycott his dinners and won’t even try them! I’ve resorted to man-handle tactics and in a last ditch effort I force feed him the first few bites! Not my greatest moment of parenting but it hammers down the message that he has to eat! After those first few bites he usually realises the dinner isn’t as disgusting as he thought and he’ll carry on eating himself. Think you need to nip it in the bud now before they become more picky than they already are!

Also, I have a really fussy husband as well (mostly eats with his eyes and avoids anything new, only beef and chicken, not on the bone, only a few veg, not keen on bread rice and certain cooked potatoes, nothing too healthy looking (eg cous cous, Stir fry etc) so I don’t want the kids to inherit his eating habits. I plonk whatever I’ve cooked on his plate and inevitably he leaves most of it. Tough. He eats a huge amount of pizza and pot noodles instead!!!

Good luck!!!

Wow you must have the patience of a saint. I couldn't deal with that!

My son is a very fussy eater, he doesn't have any kind of psychological issue he'd just rather be eating pizza so we have always had an 'you eat what you're given or you go to bed hungry' stance. And for the first three to four years of his life he went to bed hungry! Then he gradually started trying some. Then finishing small portions. Now at 7, he will usually eat the vast majority of what I put in front of him even if it takes a little while. There was a lot of bargaining and negotiating to get to that point. When he was about 5 I agreed with him a list of three foods I would never serve him but everything else he had to try at least one mouthful. That seemed to work quite well. It was just perseverance really, I suppose I'm quite tough over this sort of thing but I cannot abide fussy eating! My eldest child eats beautifully.

As for your husband, same rules apply. If he doesn't want what you cook he can go to bed hungry or sort himself out. Or he can give some new things a try and he might be surprised with what he starts to like!

I've had massive success with the cook one meal approach. I always make sure there's one element that everyone will enjoy. I accept that people have dislikes, I do. The kids serve themselves, I encourage them to think about how much they'll eat and only put that amount on their plate they can have more if they want. At peak fussy there was often bread and butter on the table too.
Then I just ignore them unless it's to remind them of manners and they eat or don't. They get pudding if there is any but the first rule of pudding is nobody talks about pudding, sometimes it's cake sometimes it's fruit.
It has taken years of sticking to the same rules and ignoring GP's who tried bribery and other methods.

Sounds like your kids have learned to be fussy by the set up you have.

You cook separately for them and only things they ‘like’

You cook separately for your DH and only things he likes.

You cook separately for yourself.

Everyone eats separately.

I understand if your DH works late, he cannot eat at the same time.

Could you sit down to eat with the kids? Serving a combination of what you all like, with some foods such as vegetables in bowls to serve yourself?

Yes I think the general theme is getting them to realise that refusing dinners is not an option. Most of the time they refuse to eat something because they don’t love it, not because they hate it. So it’s about sending the message that they have to eat a lot of something that they couldn’t give two hoots about. Like brushing their teeth!

I've had massive success with the cook one meal approach. I always make sure there's one element that everyone will enjoy. I accept that people have dislikes, I do. The kids serve themselves, I encourage them to think about how much they'll eat and only put that amount on their plate they can have more if they want. At peak fussy there was often bread and butter on the table too

That's what my parents did with my youngest brother (he was so fussy, very skinny and small....)

But he had to at least take a bit of one vegetable as well. They usually had some carrot sticks or cucumbers (his favourite) on the table as well.

I wouldn't cater to an adult fussy eater. He could whistle for food around me. Two of my biggest hidden veg meals for the kids (6 and 4) are homemade pizza where I have blended a heap of freezer veg into a reduced tomato sauce for the tomato topping, and a veg-heavy pork mince pasta sauce. Both are family favourites.

I was a very fussy eater as a child and young adult.
I remember throwing a strop because my mum took me to an Italian because I thought I didn't like pizza (how times have changed!)
My mam persevered with me and tried the whole 'lets make this together' thing. Also, each night I had a 'choice' so I could pick A or B as a main and C and D as a side then E or F for pudding so would be like either chicken or fish with wedges and with either sweet corn or peas then banana and cream or yogurt for pud. Felt like I was making the decisions.
With your DH what a our just changing the spices to start with? Make something with a bit more spice in or blitz vegetables in the food processor and add them to the sauce and just don't tell him what is in it.

Both DH and I are (mostly) reformed fussy eaters. I’m veggie and he isn’t. We cook for ourselves most of the time which works fine for us, particularly as we get home at different times. DS is quite fussy but we’re taking a pretty relaxed approach to it given that he will eat stuff from all food groups and is healthy and not over or underweight. We’re also aware from our own experience that what he eats at four is very unlikely to be representative of what he will eat in the future. So we do stuff like putting tiny bits of new food on his plate to try (a lick counts as a try), discussing the food in a non-pressured way (what it smells like ets) and trying foods that are similar to those he likes.

I really like the approach Notso describes as well and it’s one I think we’ll try once DH works less crazy hours and we can eat together. I think the main thing is no pressure, both DH and I had genuine issues around taste and texture which we grew out of. Being forced to sit at the table for hours and choke down cold, congealed food did not help, funnily enough!

*You cook separately for your DH and only things he likes.

You cook separately for yourself.*

Not quite, OH and I eat together but only food he likes. I certainly don’t have the energy for three separate meals! I just meant we eat separately from the kids.

As a single parent my solution to dds fussy phase (as a toddler ate everything suddenly very conservative)

I cook what I want to eat and she can eat it or not. The only concessions that I make are that I don’t mix it together (eg I’ll put her pasta and pasta sauce on plate separately) and that I will leave her share of vegetables uncooked as she prefers them raw.

I am not cooking some shit bland meal that I have to eat for her to only eat one bite.

On another note my dd often is not that interested in food by dinner time and eats most of he food at breakfast and lunch much

Well you can't leave a three and a five year old to fend for themselves. That way social services lie.

Cook for the kids and you eat with them. Lead by example.

Your husband can fend for himself.

I eat with the kids. But as I'm on a diet I combine a little of their food as an accompaniment to my salad. I would get far too hungry waiting for my partner to get home! Also, it's less stressful as I haven't prepared food especially for them and don't have to watch how little of the effort is wasted

Oh ok I see.

Eat with the kids, cook a combination of what you and they like?

No one is setting an example for them.

Why do you eat separately from the kids? They are old enough to eat what you eat. You should be eating with them. Not pandering to your husbands weirdness and letting them eat alone.

Why are you making a second meal every night for a grown adult who is rude to you?

Five nights a week, but fair point.

I think your dh has to make more of an effort to eat normally. Fussiness is something he should have left in childhood. Most people have things they aren't keen on but it sounds like this is more extreme, he needs to sort it out or cook for himself.
Kids are a struggle with their fussiness, one of mine would eat anything the other is fussy but we keep pushing the boundaries, when they got very fussy I would cut back on all the snacks and they would be hungry when they ate dinner - you know what they say about hunger. It takes a long time to sort it out but the rewards are worth it - sitting with the kids at dinner time is mostly lovely and it's the time when they will open up and chat about their day.

Cook for the kids and you eat with them. Lead by example.

Your husband can fend for himself.

I think this does need to be the way forward. It’s going to be an unpleasant transition, I suspect.

Re the kids, have a look at the division of responsibility. The mealtime hostage facebook gp has some really useful info in their pinned post. Re the husband, can you compromise in some way? Eg he batch cooks some stuff that he likes on a weekend and freezes it. You cook what you want every other night, of he doesn't like it he can defrost something from freezer

Cook what you want to eat...serve one meal at the same time 5 pm every day...anyone not home warms up what's left in microwave.i plate up at 5 ,and cover and save the plates of food for anyone not home..anyone who dosnt like it ,cooks their own.you need to eat with your children ,they see you eating it and they eat it ...

I wouldn't prepare food for such an adult at all. In fact, I'd have dumped him at the dating stage as I'm a foodie.