Neglect - confused

[IShouldGoToBed]

This is not so much an AIBU, more a WWYD, or even just a mmmmm.. what should I do?

I have a good ish friend. She has DCs around age 6 and 3. Lives in London.

This friend is quite rich - house worth nearly a million, they have a live in au pair, and my friend and her DH have good jobs.

However, little ones just seem so neglected. Both parents are always working (both more than full time with commutes), out with friends, at clubs. Friend often goes away on business for a week here and there. DCs r always picked up from school by au pair. Au pair is changed every 3 months. Friend hardly sees DCs, and on weekends dumps them with friends. Friend has been known to leave oldest DC in house on own for 30 mins here and there too (when au pair not in).

Friends House is a dump - never hoovered, stinks of cat poo, stuff everywhere. they have an au pair and could afford a cleaner if they r too busy.

My DS had play date today and I saw friends DCs bedrooms for the first time -- made me really sad. Bare walls, no toys (although there r toys in lounge so they do have toys), dirty old sheets on bed, no kiddy curtains - just old cream drapes, no books - just a big, empty room with two tiny beds and an old chest of draws. I felt so sad. My DCs have colourful walls, freshly (ish!!) washed bedding, teddies, toys, photos, books, bits and bobs they love on their desks, book cases, nice curtains. Their rooms are cosy and clean nice places to b.

Friends DCs r lovely but v quiet and they always look in need of a bath and fresh clothes.

Don't really know what I am asking. Just find it all confusing and sad. Any thoughts? Am I just being judgemental and this is all normal?

Some people believe that bedrooms are just for sleeping in. Having distracting items in there can lead to or exacerbate sleep problems. Or could it be possible that they have had toys removed as a punishment? Or that they have a separate play room or something?

Confusedhelpme - but do your children maybe have other stuff? A book case maybe? Bedside lamp? Pens and paper? A soft toy? Or does their room at least feel a nice environment to b in? This room literally had nothing. A chest of drawyers and two little low beds with dirty sheets. The more I'm thinking about it, the sadder I feel. I appreciate everyone is different and this thread is helping me get some perspective, but I do think something isn't right. What I can or will do though is not easy to figure out.

As a kid I didn’t have toys in my bedroom, they were all downstairs. I had ordinary plain bedding and plain curtains too.

Those details really don’t mean anything.

But a house littered with cat hair and smelly, dirty bedding, and leaving a 6yo at home alone isn’t good at all.

Do you have children of a similar age? If so you could invite them over? Or offer to have them round for tea or something? Then you might feel better that someone was giving them attention.

OP you said the beds were 'tiny', then 'little and low'. I'm puzzled as many small children don't have high king size beds and 3 year old might not even be safe in a higher bed. Do they have duvets or just sheets?
In general things don't sound very good for your friend's children. Why are the au pairs changed so often? Do the friends who have the little girls at weekends make sure they have baths/showers and launder their clothes for them?
I had a friend whose children seemed to be neglected in some ways. I baby sat each week and always tidied the kitchen a little or did the pile of ironing. Her 3 DC found the idea of being tucked into bed and offered a story very odd. She was on her own and working evenings quite often. Maybe I should have done more or said more but it didn't seem appropriate.

Such a sad situation.
Can I ask is there a reason they keep changing their au pair or is that normal in regards to au pairs? (Just wondering)
It would be nice if the dcs had one constant friendly face if the parents are away so often.
Maybe arrange a night after school they could go to your house for a while if possible.

@IShouldGoToBed yes, bookcase, hammock for soft toys, star light projector. I just personally don't agree with toys in bedrooms or TV's, iPads.

OP you are right to be concerned. From your post it sounds as if there is no consistent carer, as the parents are very busy and the au pair changes frequently.
Practically it would be better to have a Nanny, who could ensure the child's needs were being met, if the parents are unaware of them.
Unfortunately there are several posters here who are minimising your concerns, which doesn't help you or the children.

There’s no way a six year old should be left on their own. That alone would make me wonder what else is happening.

Your friends are the kind of people that never should have bred

Who died and made you king of the world? Arrogant much?

@Ishouldgo the not having toys in the bedroom thing may be a sleep hygiene based decision. We don't have toys in our son's bedroom either because he never plays in there. Just sleeps. We will put some back in once his sleeping is perfect but he still has a habit of jumping out of bed and turning on the light to play if there is something to play with.

Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions. The more I think, the more I realise this isn't right. I am grateful for the different perspectives and suggestions thanks. I'll think about what to do. There might not b much unfortunately, except have an open door for the DCs and maybe have some subtle conversations with my friend.

Thanks outy - a few posters have said this. I guess it's not so much lack of toys, as lacknof anything - no bedsidenlamp, no teddy, no pens and paper, no books, just two beds, a chest of draws and that's basically it. It's not really a bedroom, it looks bleak and dirty and like a room you'd keep a pet in (although lacking squeaky toy and cost basket and blankets). I need to think what to do.

Cosy not cost!!

My children don't have toys in their bedroom. When they are awake they play downstairs where we are because we like to see them and have them with us. Bedrooms are for sleeping. And kiddie curtains are gross. Lots of family houses are messy and untidy.

The only thing that would bother me is leavinhg a six year old unattended. But given how exaggerated and hysterical the rest of your post seems I suspect it's probably more a matter of leaving him watching TV while she nips to the corner shop.

Honestly, you sound like that judgemental friend who has the hoover out as soon as they see one cup, cleans away up your teacup before you've finished drinking and jetwashes her children four times a day then tut tuts at anybody who doesn't meet her impossibly high standards.

Incidentally, I've had to contact the NSPCC about worse than this before and they weren't very interested. They won't be interested in this either. Especially if your saying the child is left alone is just gossip and hearsay.

There’s some stuff here that seems concerning, like leaving a 6yr old at home alone. Some of the things (like no toys in the bedroom) could be a conscious decision; if the children are likely to play when they’re supposed to be sleeping, they might have decided to keep all the toys downstairs for when they’re supposed to be awake.

Stuff everywhere - that can happen sometimes. I guess it kind of depends on whether you’re talking about a bit of clutter or the sort of thing that would be worthy of a TV show about hoarders.

Cat poo smells - that can be difficult to deal with (as you’d guess from my username, I know about this one!) - if you have more than one cat sometimes there’ll be a smell, even if you clear litter trays as soon as they do anything. My lot seem to save their toilet activities for the 5 minutes before people are due to arrive. Obviously if there’s cat mess on the floor or trays aren’t cleared out that’s a different matter!

Not vacuuming - I have to vacuum twice a day to keep my floors properly clean...but if someone popped round when I hadn’t done it in a few hours they might think I’d not bothered in a couple of days! Is it the sort of mess that could accumulate over a day or so, or more like they’ve never done it?

I’d echo a previous poster who suggested contacting someone responsible for safeguarding at their school, if you genuinely feel that there’s neglect concerns...or try to gently talk to your friend first if you feel this would help. Better to raise the issue than ignore it.

I think there's a bit of a misapprehension on MN that the NSPCC and SS are there to tell people off for less than ideal parenting. They're not.

They're not there to tell people they should spend more time with their children or that their choice in home decor is off. They're overstretched and dealing mainly with really serious stuff. I worked in SS, and then the standard was 'do the children have bedclothes and they are not badly soiled'. Really, they have enough children not being put to bed or made ready for bed at all and having no bedclothes or bedclothes soiled with urine to worry about if someone's sheets are a bit grubby.

There is no legal age at which children can be left at home in the U.K. It's a judgement call for parents. If a parent thinks a six year old is okay for a short period they're not going to be overly worried about it and max would advise them it might not be a good idea. They tend to be dealing with quite a lot of children who are regularly left alone for pretty long periods. Leaving a six year old and going to work rings alarm bells. Popping to the corner shop doesn't.

My DDs room has just a chest of drawers and a bed we don't have kiddie curtains she has black out ones she has Minnie mouse themed wall paper with a couple of stuffed toys she never plays upstairs EVER although i have put toys in there she brings them back downstairs . She has 3 plastic boxes of toys in the living room a little desk painting easel why put toys in kids room if they never go in there? DD sleeps in her room that's it she doesn't spend any time in there in the day.

My DD doesn't have pens or paper , a lamp or books in her room either they are downstairs her room is for sleeping only thank God or she would be up until 10pm pissing about playing .

I do feel sorry for these kids. Their parents seem to be absorbed with themselves.

I doubt you can change the situation without the friendship ending.

I understand the need/desire to work but it sounds as though these people are living life as if they don’t have children.

Quite a sad thread

You seem a bit caught up with bedroom decor. I get that this is important to you, but the fact that others do things differently isn't a marker of neglect, just different priorities. The only thing of any concern in what you say are the sheets, but I'd have to know how grubby. They might just be s bit old/tired.

There are other issues at play though, especially leaving the child alone. I suggest you focus your energies on those.

Tell your friends they need to hire a full time nanny/cleaner . Suggest it in conversation

The whole picture doesn't sound great but you have a very British focus as regards the room decor. There are probably many more children in the world who don't have bedrooms decorated in a child-focussed way, even when you just take the better-off sections of society. If a British child had no toys at all, that would be considered quite odd, but the fact that the curtains, bedding and walls are plain is of no significance on its own.

As an aside, I don't like children being marooned in their bedrooms with their toys. It may keep the rest of the home tidy, but it doesn't exactly encourage interaction between family members and it reduces supervision of online content.

Au pairs are cheaper that's why they're hired. Also, foreign au pairs aren't familiar with UK child protection issues so can miss red flags. Plus, they're less likely to complain otherwise they'll be replaced pronto. A trained UK childcare professional would have acted on the issues raised above. That's why your friends won't hire a nanny and that's why you need to report her to ss just for leaving her children unaccompanied while she's out partying. Neglect is neglect regardless of whether the parent is earning £100k or £10k.

Do they have an aupair? I wasn't sure about that from the OP's post.