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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why is my dh making notes one, aibu to ask ?!?!

104 replies

Oneandoneontheway · 07/02/2018 23:49

Had to use dh phone this eve ( which he knew about) swiped right instead of left and it brought up his memo pad . on it was a record of a conversation we had weeks ago . basically he had tried to talk to me about a TV programme and i had told him to ssssh as i was reading a book ,maybe a bit rude, but no big deal. However, why is he making a memo record of this ?!?!! Should i / would you ask him why ??!!

OP posts:

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 08/02/2018 09:19

Was the conversation ad verbatim? Could he have maybe been trying an app or something that takes note of conversations/meetings?

IamAporcupine · 08/02/2018 09:24

I agree that it is rude to constantly interrupt someone who is doing another activity, but I do not think that just because you are reading/watchingTV/knitting you should not be interrupted unless is an urgent matter.

Does he interrupt you all the time?
Do you shhh him often?

Cmagic7 · 08/02/2018 09:28

Having a young baby is hard on both parents. He probably just wants to hang out with you and needs your support, but you just feel like you need time to yourself (nothing wrong with either). This is probably just one example of him feeling rejected, and in the heat of the moment he's written it down as a way of providing examples to himself of why he feels the way he does (and perhaps proof to bring up if you end up arguing about it). Hopefully you can have a good honest chat and find compromises where you both get what you need.

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/02/2018 09:37

deydo I am presuming he was watching TV at the time. Unless the 'coversation about the TV programme' just came into his head randomly, which would be weird, don't you think?

shinysinkredemption · 08/02/2018 09:45

Cmagic7 has said what I was thinking, it sounds like he was trying to reach out to you and felt hurt when you shushed him - he felt so bad about being ignored that he wrote it down. I'd assume the best, that he wanted a chat and felt rejected and hurt by your choosing the book over him when presumably you haven't spent much quality time together lately. I know you'd probably rather read your book but if you haven't been getting on, it might be worth giving your relationship a bit of priority too. It's all too easy to make snippy remarks and try to score points when you're both tired and both feeling you've got the burden of keeping things going but you're better off on the same side.

Wineandrosesagain · 08/02/2018 09:57

I think that saying "ssssh" to your DH when he is trying to speak to you is really rude. I might say something like "give me a second whilst I finish this bit" but to just shut him down with a "sssh" is quite unkind.

On the other hand, him noting down the incident in his phone is rather odd. I would ask him why he'd made a note of it, and apologise if it came across rudely, as that wasn't your intention (or was it?).

HarrietSmith · 08/02/2018 09:58

My daughter dumped her first real boyfriend because he didn't think reading was important - unless it was necessary for an exam.

He came up with the phrase, 'Why are you reading when you could be talking to me?'

It was a key difference between them and she was absolutely right to dump him - they were not sufficiently compatible.

In the same way that we have a right to our own physical space, we have a right to mental space.

Orangecake123 · 08/02/2018 10:02

Sometimes when I'm irritated I write it down straight away instead of reacting.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 08/02/2018 10:05

I do this occasionally. I do it because helps with clarity and memory. I am prone to forgetting and like the facts laid out so I can be logical. I don’t share it.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 08/02/2018 10:07

Zaphods: Either way, if I had to await permission to speak to my husband because he was reading, I'd feel like I was being controlled. And I'm a big reader. Being interrupted constantly would certainly irritate. But saying that someone can't speak to you unless it's important is ridiculous, in my opinion.

oneggshellsallthetime · 08/02/2018 10:11

Orangecake123

Sometimes when I'm irritated I write it down straight away instead of reacting

As above. Time to consider allows you to 'respond' rather than 'react'.

PhilODox · 08/02/2018 10:12

It is very rude to talk to people when they're reading! Grrrr.

But he's obviously listing for a reason, so unhappy. But why is he watching television, if he wants to talk to you?

Maybe hide the remote tonight? DC1 could have popped it down the back of the cushions, or in the fridge?

apostropheuse · 08/02/2018 10:12

If he's unhappy it's possible that he's taking notes for future reference. If you've not been getting along he MAY be considering divorce - building a case of unreasonable behaviour perhaps? Do you think this is possible?

DuckAndPancakes · 08/02/2018 10:16

YWBU to react to him like a dick.

I’m pretty sure if this was the other way round reactions would be different. The poster who jumped to conclusions of him being abusive are just to me.

Leilaniiii · 08/02/2018 10:18

Has he recorded the conversation and it turned it into text? Not that that makes it any better.

soupforbrains · 08/02/2018 10:34

OP How good is your acting?

Can you instigate a repeat of the 'just quickly borrow your phone' scenario and then 'find' the note then and just outright ask on the spot "er.... DH? What is this?"

You won't get any answers unless you ask and you're only going to drive yourself mad with any speculation.

welshmist · 08/02/2018 10:36

I think the hardest bit of marriage, is when you have very young children, everyone gets tired, snappy, generally fed up. I do wonder if the sshh was one of a long line of perceived slights by him.

GottadoitGottadoit · 08/02/2018 10:37

You shushed him? That’s pretty bad. I kept notes on my marriage when I was planning on leaving so that if I had a wobble I could look back and remember how bad it was.

In the event I didn’t wobble once. Was supremely happy once I left.

Olympiathequeen · 08/02/2018 10:39

I would be very concerned about your marriage. Looks to me he is keeping a note of your ‘misdemeanours’ as a way of gathering evidence and to support his feelings of resentment. Not the right thing to do of course, he should have tackled the issue at the time.

Frankly though I think it’s so rude to tell someone to shhh when they are trying to talk to you. You can always pick up your reading where you left off.

I am maybe overly sensitive to this as my exh would glare at me if I dared speak to him when he was reading the newspaper. It kills interaction and spontenity in a marriage.

meredintofpandiculation · 08/02/2018 10:44

DH found himself being irritated by me, so started counting how many times a day this happened, because he thought he was being unreasonable and that counting would reassure him that actually he was very lucky to have me.

Backfired, because he was so busy counting the irritations that that was obviously all he noticed. That really was an argument. But we're still happily together 10 years later.

dontquotemeondailymail · 08/02/2018 10:50

Anyone else thinking of the Friends episode where Phoebe's writing a book? Marsha and Chester agreed to go to the movies, he said, she said....

WellThisIsShit · 08/02/2018 11:25

What’s your relationship like apart from this one occasion?

It’s only the state of your relationship that can give you context and meaning to this incident.

Whether it’s a slightly odd note taking exercise, a ‘charge sheet’ for an argument or a sign of the dying embers of love... no one on here can tell.

We also can’t know what you want the meaning of this note to be either. Would you be hoping it to be something minor, or silly? Or more significant?

thetemptationofchocolate · 08/02/2018 11:33

It's something I might say to my DH, only I'd say it in Waynetta Slob's voice.
Mind you if the book was really good I probably wouldn't even notice him talking to me at all, a bit like he is when watching football :)

DontPullThatTubeOut · 09/02/2018 10:26

I’d just ask about it. Everything is just a guess until you do.

Original poster

Oneandoneontheway · 09/02/2018 21:51

Still haven't asked , im pathetic
Although he's out tonight , so maybe bring it up when he gets home ! Thanks for the replies though guys xx

OP posts:

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