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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is my dh making notes one, aibu to ask ?!?!

104 replies

Oneandoneontheway · 07/02/2018 23:49

Had to use dh phone this eve ( which he knew about) swiped right instead of left and it brought up his memo pad . on it was a record of a conversation we had weeks ago . basically he had tried to talk to me about a TV programme and i had told him to ssssh as i was reading a book ,maybe a bit rude, but no big deal. However, why is he making a memo record of this ?!?!! Should i / would you ask him why ??!!

OP posts:
wibblywobblywoo · 08/02/2018 08:37

I think Allison was joking porcupine............

gamerwidow · 08/02/2018 08:39

He wrote the note because he is unhappy in the relationship. If his normally a great guy and you’re happy im the relationship maybe youve been taking him for granted. Or if you’re not happy either maybe it’s time for you to have a think about whether you want to stay with him and both make changes or whether it’s time to leave. Ever way you need to talk about it.

HorsesCourses · 08/02/2018 08:41

Maybe you are a character in his latest book?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 08/02/2018 08:44

Making notes about conversations and incidents is one of the major recommendations given on Ralationships when people are unhappy in relationships.
I think he's doing that.
Whether he's justified or not, it doesn't make him controlling, or a dick, any more than it does those in Relationships.

blueshoes · 08/02/2018 08:46

I am a list person and a lawyer, so making file notes (for work) is pretty ingrained. He could be trying to make sense of certain things - his feelings. I don't have a good sense of time and so sometimes make a note to remind myself when it happened with some context. Not sure why he would need to be so formal about it in a personal context. He could be building up to something. Alternatively, after you blanked him, maybe he felt at loose ends and so wanted to do something and was feeling a little miffed and his phone was there ...

As back up, I'd suggest you make a note too (of his note) and his behaviour in coming weeks.

oneggshellsallthetime · 08/02/2018 08:47

Could it be your DH is anxious/depressed?

I make notes on my phone when I've been stressed out by things - reading back over them helps me process them in my head.

Also it's for reassurance that I've remembered the event correctly - like the actual words used - so I'm not relying solely on my memory and don't have doubt clouding things. I have to add that I've been on anti-depressants for some time now but realise, writing this, that now I am actually very much happier and haven't felt the need to do this in the past couple of months.

I'm also a veteran list maker - that too helps me manage things better (not perfectly). I think I felt that if I had notes I would feel more 'in control' or be able to respond from a position of strength when all else felt hopeless. Lists and notes are something tangible and add structure or a structure of sorts for me.

OP I hope it doesn't turn out to be anything with a more sinister intent behind it.

user1471462428 · 08/02/2018 08:51

Perhaps he may be having counselling? I used make lists as I struggled to recall feelings. Are you bothered you have upset him? Or are you just sick of him?

BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 08/02/2018 08:56

I found paper with similar (although more serious ) with my ex husband - he loved diagrams and had laid out various different scenarios as to how our marriage was going to progress - separation, divorce etc . I ignored it and he never discussed it ....oneandoneontheway I would take this seriously and discuss it with him .

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/02/2018 08:56

People saying it's rude to tell someone to 'sssh' when they try to talk to you whilst you are reading - isn't it ruder to interrupt someone while they are reading? Particularly about a fucking TV programme, so not anything important, not something that needs immediate action, not about the kids?

She's got a six month old baby. Leave her to read, you tosspot.

oneggshellsallthetime · 08/02/2018 08:59

Tyrannosaurusbex Yes... definitely better not to make notes during an event.. tho' I will admit that on occasion my fingers have itched to pick up a pen so as not to miss anything out...

sproutsandparsnips · 08/02/2018 09:01

Maybe he's going to post it on Mumsnet in AIBU?

HarrietSmith · 08/02/2018 09:02

What people do here - giving the minute details of domestic discussions with partners - is very much the equivalent of memo writing.

So we are all hostile towards the people we live with and considering leaving them.

LuxuryMilk · 08/02/2018 09:03

Not sure why making a note makes him a dick!
I'd assume he's unsure if he's being unreasonable and wanted a clear note to look back on. I don't think I'd even bring it up tbh.

Mrsmadevans · 08/02/2018 09:03

My DSis did this to me mid convo and it is still upsetting me tbh. It is the feeling that you are a nothing in the other persons eyes , it made me feel really shit. Also l find writing about things very cathartic . l am coming from the other side to you but it hurts.

InfiniteSheldon · 08/02/2018 09:03

Did you actually "tell him to sssh" If so I think that's very rude. Check your language and behaviour to him. A quick hang on while I finish this paragraph is easy and polite. When you have young dc it can be easy to get into a pattern of irritation with your partner and imo it drives an unnecessary wedge between you.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 08/02/2018 09:03

Zaphods: so they have to sit in silence because she's reading? It's rude to talk to your spouse when they're reading? So he should sit there and await her permission to speak? The mind boggles.

Mrsmadevans · 08/02/2018 09:04

' make notes on my phone when I've been stressed out by things - reading back over them helps me process them in my head. '
just this .......

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 08/02/2018 09:06

Hmmm I can kind of see it from both sides. I wouldn't like to discover my dh had written notes about me referring to a disagreement but then I often write things down when I'm stressed or annoyed about something just because I feel better once I've got it out! Hell, most of mumsnet is people writing things down to vent!

I think if I were you I would just ask him about it to put your mind at ease.

midnightmisssuki · 08/02/2018 09:10

i do this - its so i can remember imprtant things to talk about when we do talk about it.... I think YWB(abit)U for being a little rude to him though.... unless there is a backstory and he has form for constantly interupting you....

welshmist · 08/02/2018 09:12

My DH has control of the remote he hates most of my choices so unless I insist I tend to read. But during adverts he wants to talk and thinks it rude if I do not respond immediately. Honestly I don't mean to but I tune out so miss what he's said. It drives him mad. It's so petty but it's marriage. When you live with someone these things annoy.

Firesuit · 08/02/2018 09:14

Well, he sounds like a tosspot. Is he abusive in any way? Is he rude to you, or violent, or critical of your parenting?

In general, if someone is making notes, it would make more sense to speculate that they are the victim of some of those behaviours.

Steamcloud · 08/02/2018 09:16

Sorry op but to me it sounds pretty and weird.

FlouncyDoves · 08/02/2018 09:16

Kind of sounds like he’s building up ‘evidence’ to prove ‘irreconcilable differences’.

IamAporcupine · 08/02/2018 09:16

wibblywobblywoo was she? I am not 100% sure but I might be wrong of course!

Steamcloud · 08/02/2018 09:16

Petty not pretty!